Yeah. Well, I kinda... Wrote the fic. It's... Well, utter crack.
Title: The SUPERVIRTUES!!!11!one1!
Pairings: Envy/Ed/Generosity (Don't ask)
Edward Elric was on his way home from central HQ, paying little attention to where he was going. He was tired (the Colonel had given him so much paperwork just so Edward could be laughed at behind his back, he was sure of it) and only had enough brain function at the moment to continue putting one foot in front of the other.
When a hand descended on his shoulder, it took him almost a half-minute to yelp and spin around, ready to assault whoever had snuck up on him.
Ed stopped, pointed, tried to speak, failed, and settled on gawping like a fish. What stood before him seemed to be Lust after falling into bleach and hot-pink dye. The woman smiled and sparkled like Armstrong on a bad day, and Edward edged nervously away.
“What-“ began Ed, “er, who are you?”
“I’m Chastity!” The blonde woman squealed happily, clapping her white-gloved hands together in a gesture of marysue-like joy, “Lust’s good twin sister. I’m one of the Virtues!”
“Yeppers!” She was nearly bouncing, which given the size of her chest was rather distracting.
“And what happened to Lust?”
“Nothing yet, but I’ll vanquish her with my powers of pink sparkly good!”
Edward backed away, praying for an escape route. None was forthcoming, as he backed up straight into someone else. Someone male, who immediately gave Ed a warm hug from behind.
“Uh-“ Ed squeaked, “Envy-“
Suddenly he found himself facing the other direction and in the middle of a bone-crushing hug from the sin. Ed fought to breathe with compressed lungs, and when Envy let go Ed nearly collapsed on the ground.
“You…” Edward took a good look at Envy, “you’re not Envy. Are you?”
“No, silly!” chirped the blond, white-clad lookalike, “I’m Generosity, Envy’s good-“
“-Twin. Yes, we get the picture. Are you going to vanquish Envy with your, ah…” Ed rolled his eyes, “pink sparkly powers of good?”
Generosity blinked. “Of course not!”
“I have green sparkly good!”
Ed twitched. “I see.”
Chastity squealed and bounced again, looking ridiculous, obviously having been struck by an idea in that fluffy head of hers. “Oooh,” she said, “I know! I’ll introduce you to the rest of us! You already know the sins, it’s only fair, really.”
Ed wanted nothing more than to run. “There are more of you?”
“Of course, sweetie!” Chastity pointed behind Edward to several people he hadn’t noticed, “See, there’s Compassion-“ the child in question gave a vapid wave, “Thrift-“ a man in a white pimp coat and glasses giggled, and Edward thought his brain might just have broken irreparably, “-Efficiency-“ A blonde version of his mother waved, “Frugality-“ Ed was startled to recognize an oddly skinny Gluttony, “and Humility.” Ed saw a blonde King Bradley. “Together, we’re the Virtues!”
"Sounds like a bad sixties band name," Ed muttered, "can I go home now?"
"But of course not," Chastity looked shocked, "don't you know the rules?"
Edward eyed her warily. "Rules?"
"We're a fan creation. Therefore, due to the Mary Sue act of 1923, section 6 paragraph b, you're going to have to fall madly in love with one of us."
"Uh," said Ed, "what?"
"Choose one of us!"
Ed glanced around quickly. "I... Uh... Can'tTalkNowBye!" He made a spirited dash for an alley on his left, but was quickly caught and restrained by Sloth's- No, Efficiency's liquid tentacles. Edward noted distractedly that they seemed much pinker than usual.
Chastity walked up and patted him on the head like a dog. "Now pick one of us," she looked suddenly threatening, drawing a hand back in the way Lust did when she was about to calmly, rationally eviscerate someone, "or else!"
She waggled a finger at him. "Don't make me use this."
"But I don't-"
"Okay," Chastity nodded, "obviously you aren't going to listen. Drastic measures must be taken." Her hand flew forward to stop barely an inch from the elder Elric brother's face, and he flinched despite himself at the way he could almost feel the spikes that would be tearing him apart. "Take this!"
Edward winced, and when nothing seemed to happen, opened his eyes.
"Oh, please," Ed rolled his eyes at the pink sparkles that were hovering around Chastity's fingers, "I'm supposed to be intimidated by that?"
Chastity looked angry. "Don't fight the power of love!"
"Wha-" Ed began, then stopped and began again, "but I can't take any of you- I can't fall in love with Efficiency, because... Well... Blech." He turned slightly to look at the blonde image of his mother, "No offense meant."
"And Compassion is so much younger than me that it's just not morally right, and the rest of you are so much older and it's really not-"
Edward stopped cold as all of a sudden, Chastity had no head. Lust chose that moment to drop from a rooftop and impale Compassion on her claws as well. Ed gaped, then began yelling his thanks as Gluttony began gnawing on his twin's arm. Frugality looked on in dismay.
"I don't want to eat him," the Virtue whined, "He's so fattening!"
Humility was soon cut down by Pride's twin swords, but in the midst of the fighting Chastity had gotten up once more.
"You big meanie!" she cried, "take this!" Pink rainbows of sparkles and light shot towards Lust. Lust simply raised an eyebrow and impaled her again. Meanwhile, Thrift had fallen to Sloth and Wrath was sitting atop an unconscious Efficiency. Edward suddenly realized that he'd seen neither Generosity nor Envy for quite a while. When he turned to see them behind him, laughing, he tried to run but was caught and restrained quickly by two sets of strong arms and identical grins.
"Hello," began the Sin, and the Virtue finished it for him, "Hagane no Ochibi-san."
Edward said something very intelligent, given the situation. Absolutely nothing.
"We discovered that we have a lot in common, Generosity and I," said Envy, green hair gleaming, "I want, and he gives, and according to the fancreation charter one of the Virtues gets you anyway." Envy leaned in and licked along Ed's jaw line, and it was mirrored on his other side a moment later by another person altogether, "and I want. We're going to share you like good children. Funny how that works out, isn't it?"
And Edward, sufficiently deep in shock so as not to resist, was dragged away by two grinning creatures, away from the epic battle of people that just refuse to die, and into the night.
Somewhere behind them, Chastity was decapitated for the fifth time with a cry of "Gosh darn!"