mikkeneko (mikkeneko) wrote in fm_alchemist,

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Aand your nightly dose of humor fic.

Who was it who told me that Hagaren fandom was in need of humor fic? Do you think I've done enough and should stop now? @_@

Title: Office Supplies
Rating: PG
Category: Humor, fluff
Spoilers: Minor spoilers for episode 17-18
Older brother: Fifteen
Younger brother: Fourteen


The parade-ground bellow split the office, causing several windows to rattle in their frames and several stacks of paper to dive to the ground in fright. The soldiers, meanwhile, cringed and braced in their respective positions with the instincts of the well-trained and truly guilty.

Lieutenant Hawkeye marched into the office with a clipboard and a steely glower. "Gentlemen," she addressed them in a crisp tone. "This is the third time we have received a complaint from Accounting over the quantity of office supplies that are disappearing from this section. Explain yourselves!"

Nobody was quite willing to meet her eyes. Fury pretended to be working hard on his license application. Havoc and Breda hunched over their cards, assiduously not looking up. Mustang had eyes only for his coffee.

Hawkeye huffed, and brandished the clipboard. "I have here a listing of the supplies that have consistently gone missing," she said. "I trust you gentlemen will be familiar with the contents, but I'll go over them again."

"Item one. Two dozen coffee mugs, plates, silverware and ash-trays."

Havoc bit down on the end of his cigarette.

"Item two. Four hundred boxes of paste."

Breda choked, and dropped his cards.

"Item three. Five office chairs and half a dozen cushions."

Fury whimpered. "I was having a party," he said in a hushed tone. "There weren't enough chairs in my room."

"Item four..." Hawkeye blinked at the manifesto. "A brand-new set of two-way, vibrating pagers."

There was a crunching noise from Roy's desk, as of teeth biting through the edge of a porcelain cup.

"Item five. Three dozen sheets of top-quality, high-gloss photo printer paper."

"Ask Hughes," the rest of the men in the room chorused. Hawkeye glanced up and around, then shrugged and made a note.

"Item six." She frowned, and looked around again. "What could anyone want with the office's self-sealing, hand-held laminator?"

"That thing?" Fury looked bemused. "Edward-kun saw me using it the other day and seemed very interested in it. He asked me to show him how it worked."

"Edward-kun?" Hawkeye's eyebrows climbed. "But he's hardly ever in the office. Why would he be interested in a hand-held laminator?"

"You should probably write that one off as a loss, Hawkeye-kun," Roy said in a fair approximation of a normal tone, setting down his coffee. There was a distinct dent in the edge. "Probably he wanted to transmute it into something else, and it's long gone by now."

"Speaking of which, Taisa," Hawkeye turned on him, reproving. "What use exactly would you have for a set of vibrating pagers?"

One of Roy's eyebrows twitched, but otherwise, his cool did not crack.

* * *

~An unused room in the building~

"Are you sure this is a good idea, Niisan?" Al hissed quietly. His helmet sat on the next desk over, darkened eyes watching the goings-on with an expression that somehow managed to convey worry.

"Of course I'm sure," Ed grunted. He was hanging half-in and half-out of Al's chest cavity, and his voice echoed eerily like his brother's. A moment of curses and scufflings followed, and a bang on the inside of his chest made Al jump.


"Al, if I can get this thing to work, we'll never have to worry about water getting in and disturbing your blood seal again," Ed asserted. "Now... don't move."

* * *


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