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09 May 2010 @ 11:42 pm
Ficlet: "Mutha's Day"  
Ficlet: "Mutha's Day"
by binaryalchemist 
Rated: PG for mild language
Genre: Genfic, Ed vs Roy, comedy
Summary: The last thing Roy expected to find on his desk on May 10th was a box of chocolates and a home-made card brimming with...insults??

 

Mutha’s Day

By The Binary Alchemist

 

            “What the hell?”

            There was an envelope leaning against his coffee cup when Roy arrived at the office on Monday morning. Pink. Pink enough to hurt his bleary retinas. Pink as the bismuth solution he’d chugged in hopes of counter-acting the ill effects of drinking cheap beer and eating tacos with Havoc last night—the only thing worse than ingesting jalapenos was…digesting them. Pink envelope. Pink box that smelled sickeningly sweet, tied in a pink ribbon with lace. Bloodshot eyes locked on target as Hawkeye came in with the rest of the morning’s mail. “What the hell is this?” he barked, instantly regretting it since the increased volume of his voice caused the delicate tissues of his brain to bump gently against the inside of his skull. He wisely lowered his voice. “Where did this come from?”

            “It was there when I came in this morning, Sir,” she replied, a triffle louder than absolutely necessary.

            He tugged on the ribbon and pawed at the paper. He swallowed hard—the rising stench of sugar and chocolate assaulted his nose and caused the tacos to stir dangerously in his guts. He burped and was appalled by the aftertaste of Pepto-Bismol and guacamole. However, his curiosity was stronger than his nausea, so he inched the lid up for a close look, holding his breath.

            Petit-Fours. Six little cakes, drenched in chocolate and delicately piped with rose buds and vines  and calligraphy letters spelling out a message:

            “Mother”

            Mother? What the….?”

            He tore open the envelope. It was covered with a sickly sweet drawing of pastel fuzzy kittens and the words, “Remembering You On Your Special Day” in glitter. Inside, it was signed, “Happy Mutha’s Day!---Ed”

            He yanked the phone off the cradle and dialed so fast he tore his fingernail in the quick. “Fullmetal? Mustang here…” he growled

            “You like your card? I got Al to draw it. ‘Course, he puts kittens on everything but I thought the glitter was a nice touch. Sorry  it was a day late, but—“

            “Day late?? For what?”

            “You know. May 9th. You thought I wouldn’t remember, huh?”

            Grinding his teeth only made his temples throb harder. “I don’t get it. Yesterday was Mother’s Day. What does that have to do with me?” He glanced down at the misspelled message in the card….and his blood pressure rose twenty points in ten seconds even before Ed delivered his punchline.

            “You’re the biggest MOTHER I know, Mustang!,” Ed cackled evilly before slamming the phone down triumphantly.

            Roy swallowed back the bile in his stomach. “That little bastard. He got me. Damn him.”

            Angrily he swept the petit-fours into the trash but before he could toss the card behind it he glanced down and noticed that the cakes had fallen right side up into a new anagram—from “M-O-T-H-E-R” to “T-H-E-R-M-O”

            He smiled. It was not a nice smile. It was a smile that had Pyrotex gloves on and and a good deal of malice behind it.

            “Lieutenant, I’ll be back shortly.”

            “Going to see Fullmetal, sir?”

            “Indeed. Since he’s decided I’m his mother,” he flexed his fingers in anticipation, “I might as well live up to it. I’ll give his backside a warming he’ll never forget…”

The End



 
 
night_childe25night_childe25 on May 10th, 2010 04:35 am (UTC)
LMAO!
The Binary Alchemist: nekkid edbinaryalchemist on May 10th, 2010 11:39 pm (UTC)
Thanks!
Jordanna Morgan: FMA Militaryjordannamorgan on May 10th, 2010 04:39 am (UTC)
*howls laughing*
The Binary Alchemist: nekkid edbinaryalchemist on May 10th, 2010 11:39 pm (UTC)
Glad you liked!
kurokaze_samakurokaze_sama on May 10th, 2010 04:55 am (UTC)
PFFFT LOL, OH EDO.
Mustang's radically awesome in this, too.
Nice work! XD
The Binary Alchemist: nekkid edbinaryalchemist on May 10th, 2010 11:40 pm (UTC)
I just couldn't resist--glad you liked it!
Celia: pic#99880679akeyami on May 10th, 2010 05:05 am (UTC)
BEST

MOTHER'S DAY

FIC

EVAR.
The Binary Alchemist: nekkid edbinaryalchemist on May 10th, 2010 11:40 pm (UTC)
Thanks! Leave it to Ed to create a new holiday: "Mutha's Day!"
a_big_apple: Oh haia_big_apple on May 10th, 2010 07:27 am (UTC)
HAHAHA, oh Ed, you little bastard.
The Binary Alchemist: nekkid edbinaryalchemist on May 10th, 2010 11:42 pm (UTC)
Never underestimate the potential of evil in small people (I know--I'm only 5'1")!
(Deleted comment)
The Binary Alchemist: nekkid edbinaryalchemist on May 10th, 2010 11:42 pm (UTC)
Thanks so much!
Nini: *twirl*niniblack on May 10th, 2010 07:53 am (UTC)
ROFL!
Looks like has Ed has won this one! Tho maybe not for long...
The Binary Alchemist: nekkid edbinaryalchemist on May 10th, 2010 11:43 pm (UTC)
The Roy!Muse has already got punishment up his sleeve...and the Ed!Muse has planned an even worse retaliation..meaning sequel is on the way...
Charischarisstoma on May 11th, 2010 08:17 am (UTC)
Sequel. *squee* YES! oops..sorry *whispers* yes. Poor Roy with hangover taking on tasks that are better left until the pain from the night before has abated.
This was so much fun.
bob_fishbob_fish on May 10th, 2010 08:47 am (UTC)
Hee hee hee. Ed, you little shit.

I should probably mention that that last line took my brain straight to the gutter. I suspect that was deliberate. XD
◊ delightfully wicked ◊: 鋼の錬金術師 ♥ pride and lustwicked_seraph on May 10th, 2010 12:25 pm (UTC)
Good to know I'm not the only one!

/RoyEd shipper .__.
The Binary Alchemist: nekkid edbinaryalchemist on May 10th, 2010 11:43 pm (UTC)
Actually...for once...I am completely innocent....
...but ONLY this one time!
sexkitten426sexkitten426 on May 10th, 2010 10:00 am (UTC)
Aww, Al drew a card! I didn't get it until Ed delivered the punchline, 'cause I'm slow like that.
The Binary Alchemist: nekkid edbinaryalchemist on May 10th, 2010 11:44 pm (UTC)
I had to let Al draw the card....bet he'd shit steel ball bearings if he knew what "Brother" had planned for the bosss, heeeheeehee!
◊ delightfully wicked ◊: 鋼の錬金術師 ♥ you're going to hell :Dwicked_seraph on May 10th, 2010 12:26 pm (UTC)
Ed, you impudent little shit XD
The Binary Alchemist: nekkid edbinaryalchemist on May 10th, 2010 11:45 pm (UTC)
God, I love the boy....and boy, do I LOOOOVE that icon!!
fullmetalrosefullmetalrose on May 10th, 2010 03:19 pm (UTC)
LMAO!!!!
The Binary Alchemist: nekkid edbinaryalchemist on May 10th, 2010 11:46 pm (UTC)
He's so wicked...good thing he's hot!
night_owl_9: Fangirlsnight_owl_9 on May 10th, 2010 08:15 pm (UTC)
Nice. :)

LMAO!!
The Binary Alchemist: nekkid edbinaryalchemist on May 10th, 2010 11:46 pm (UTC)
Glad you liked--thanks!!
Eve N. Furter: Edward Elric/Roy Mustang - kisseve_n_furter on May 13th, 2010 12:47 pm (UTC)
LOL! I like the "condensed crack" style here, where every line has a punch. And the last line... ;E I'm sure that retribution is going to get very hot indeed.