Rated: PG for mild language
Genre: Genfic, Ed vs Roy, comedy
Summary: The last thing Roy expected to find on his desk on May 10th was a box of chocolates and a home-made card brimming with...insults??
By The Binary Alchemist
“What the hell?”
There was an envelope leaning against his coffee cup when Roy arrived at the office on Monday morning. Pink. Pink enough to hurt his bleary retinas. Pink as the bismuth solution he’d chugged in hopes of counter-acting the ill effects of drinking cheap beer and eating tacos with Havoc last night—the only thing worse than ingesting jalapenos was…digesting them. Pink envelope. Pink box that smelled sickeningly sweet, tied in a pink ribbon with lace. Bloodshot eyes locked on target as Hawkeye came in with the rest of the morning’s mail. “What the hell is this?” he barked, instantly regretting it since the increased volume of his voice caused the delicate tissues of his brain to bump gently against the inside of his skull. He wisely lowered his voice. “Where did this come from?”
“It was there when I came in this morning, Sir,” she replied, a triffle louder than absolutely necessary.
He tugged on the ribbon and pawed at the paper. He swallowed hard—the rising stench of sugar and chocolate assaulted his nose and caused the tacos to stir dangerously in his guts. He burped and was appalled by the aftertaste of Pepto-Bismol and guacamole. However, his curiosity was stronger than his nausea, so he inched the lid up for a close look, holding his breath.
Petit-Fours. Six little cakes, drenched in chocolate and delicately piped with rose buds and vines and calligraphy letters spelling out a message:
“Mother? What the….?”
He tore open the envelope. It was covered with a sickly sweet drawing of pastel fuzzy kittens and the words, “Remembering You On Your Special Day” in glitter. Inside, it was signed, “Happy Mutha’s Day!---Ed”
He yanked the phone off the cradle and dialed so fast he tore his fingernail in the quick. “Fullmetal? Mustang here…” he growled
“You like your card? I got Al to draw it. ‘Course, he puts kittens on everything but I thought the glitter was a nice touch. Sorry it was a day late, but—“
“Day late?? For what?”
“You know. May 9th. You thought I wouldn’t remember, huh?”
Grinding his teeth only made his temples throb harder. “I don’t get it. Yesterday was Mother’s Day. What does that have to do with me?” He glanced down at the misspelled message in the card….and his blood pressure rose twenty points in ten seconds even before Ed delivered his punchline.
“You’re the biggest MOTHER I know, Mustang!,” Ed cackled evilly before slamming the phone down triumphantly.
Roy swallowed back the bile in his stomach. “That little bastard. He got me. Damn him.”
Angrily he swept the petit-fours into the trash but before he could toss the card behind it he glanced down and noticed that the cakes had fallen right side up into a new anagram—from “M-O-T-H-E-R” to “T-H-E-R-M-O”
He smiled. It was not a nice smile. It was a smile that had Pyrotex gloves on and and a good deal of malice behind it.
“Lieutenant, I’ll be back shortly.”
“Going to see Fullmetal, sir?”
“Indeed. Since he’s decided I’m his mother,” he flexed his fingers in anticipation, “I might as well live up to it. I’ll give his backside a warming he’ll never forget…”