maksou (maksou) wrote in fm_alchemist,

FMA crack fic

Hello, I'm fairly new, and it's my first time posting here, and I thought i'd share with you all a crack fanfiction I just finished.

Title: Bedtime Stories
Author: maksou 
Honeslty, It's crack-tastic
Rating: K, cause seriously.
Summary: The Elric brothers are stuck babysitting little Elysia Hughes, and have to tell her a bedtime story
Warning(s)?: Some implied roy Ed, HavocAl, and EnvyOc.  slight gender bending.
Any other notes: Anything in italics are the actual story being played out.  cause it was fun that way.

“Now Remember you two, Elysia is my pride and joy. Take excellent care of her.”

Maes Hughes had made one of the biggest mistakes at hiring the Elric brothers to care for his daughter. Edward for one didn’t have quite enough patience to deal with a small girl of three. Alphonse was but a child himself, and only had half a clue what to do. Luckily, most of the babysitting was going to be after dark, and it was coming close to Elysia’s bedtime.

“Tell me a story!” the little girl demanded, bouncing in her bed, clutching her blankets excitedly.

The Elrics looked at each other nervously; Ed had never really been good at storytelling, and Al had such an imagination. “What kinda story, Elysia?” Ed asked nervously, guessing the answer.

“I wanna story about a princess!”

Al made an amused hum of a noise. “Okay Elysia! Once upon a time, there was once a Princess, who lived in a big castle. She had blond hair, which she always kept in a braid-”

“WHOA WHOA WHOA!” Ed yelped, standing up. “I AM NOT A PRINCESS!”

“I’m just spouting ideas…” Al mused, shrugging awkwardly.

“Well fine!” Ed settled back in his chair, crossing his arms over his chest. “The Princess also had a little sister with long tawny hair. This princess was really girly, liking to cook and clean, unlike her older sister.”

“I am not girly!” Al protested

“close enough.”

Al pouted briefly, before continuing the story. “One day, the blond princess was captured by a big scary dragon, who had heard a story that the princess could break a curse and make him human.”

“Sister!” The Tawny Princess watched helplessly as the big green dragon flew away, her sister in his clutches; the blond princess was flailing and swearing loudly, smacking the dragon’s claws without an air of fear.

“Put me down you @#&*!!!! Don’t you know who I am!! I’m the $%*&ing PRINCESS!!!”

“Her little sister was full of worry, and tried to go after her sister with one of the kitchen girls in the castle.”


A small, blond kitchen girl glanced up at the Princess. “Yes, m’lady?”

“You’re coming with me,” she announced, throwing her traveling cloak over her shoulders. “We’re going after that dragon and saving my sister!”

“But m’lady! It’s dangerous!”

The Princess’ eyes narrowed. “We’ll find a way. But we have to go now, before Father finds out what I’m up to.

“ And when she was traveling, she met two hunters, who wanted to help the Princess.” Ed continued.

The tawny princess made a slightly disgruntled noise, shoving yet another branch out of her way, yelping with another branch swung back and missed her face by inches. “Maybe this wasn’t such a good idea after all,” she whined, pulling her long hair back into a ponytail.

“Look, m’lady!” Eli yelled, pointing ahead at two men. One was blond with what looked like a shotgun over one shoulder, and the other had dark hair. The princess’ heart swelled with hope, as she half ran over too the two men, who looked startled.

“Please, gentlemen, I need your help!” she cried, stopping before the two of them.

“Indeed you do!” the blond muttered. “What’s a beautiful little lady like yourself doing out here?”

“My sister has been kidnapped by the fearsome Dragon,” the princess explained. “we were on our way to save her. Can you point us in the direction--?”

“We most certainly will not,” the dark haired man said, glaring at the princess. “You are no match for a dragon, m’lady. Let us accompany you.”

The princess felt relieved. “thank you so much, sirs…?”

The blond hunter smiled. “Jean Havoc.”

“Roy Mustang,” the other replied.

The princess smiled more. “Sir Mustang, sir Havoc, you are forever in my gratitude!”

Jean smiled softly, taking the princess’ hand, kissing it lightly. “It would be our pleasure,” he said, causing her to blush lightly.

Ed paused for a moment, thinking. “When they finally found the Dragon’s lair, the hunters tried to kill the Dragon, but the princess stopped them, since the dragon had never hurt her.”

“Where is that foul beast?” Roy barked, storming up to the cavern, looking both determined and foolish in his own right.

Just as he spoke, there was a loud roar from the inside, making both the tawny princess and Jean squeak in slight discomfort. There was a loud BOOM BOOM BOOM of the dragon’s footsteps as it trumped up to the cavern entrence, rearing it’s ugly head.

“BEHOLD!” Roy yelled, drawing a sword. “You heathen creature, kidnapping damsels! Come, JEAN! Let us take down the creature!” The two men began to charge at the dragon, when the blond princess stepped out, in front of the beast, arms spread protectively.

“In the name of the Elric kingdom, I order you to stop!” she yelled, glaring pointedly.

Roy stopped, staring with wide eyes as he stared at the golden beauty before him.

“SISTER!” The tawny haired princess clapped, fighting back tears of joy.

“Ali!” The blond princess ran up to her taller, younger sister, hugging her tightly.

“I was so worried! Are you okay?”

The blond nodded. “The Dragon never harmed me. He was once a man, who had a terrible curse placed upon him. He thought I could break it.”

“The kitchen girl then walked up to the Dragon, showing him true kindness. This broke the curse, and he was turned human. He thanked the kitchen girl, asking then for her hand in marriage.” Al said happily.

While the princesses enjoyed their little reunion, Eli, the little kitchen girl, walked up to the dragon, placing a tender hand on it’s giant claws, looking up sadly. “You poor, poor creature…man who has forgotten love…” She kissed the claw uncertainly. “I wish you luck, dear being…”

Suddenly, there was a bright flash of light, blinding the five people, who all covered their eyes. When the light faded, in the place of the dragon was a man--or, they assumed it was a man. He had long green hair, and slender features. He looked down at Eli, who looked up shyly. Hesitantly, he pulled her into a tearful hug. “Thank you,” he said, over and over.

Ed smiled a bit, watching Elysia start to fall asleep. “The princesses took the hunters back to their father, the king, and told him of their bravery. The King was thrilled, and asked the hunters what they wanted in repayment for keeping the princesses safe. Both hunters asked the king for the Princesses hands in marriage.”

“Father! Father!” The blond princess ran up to her father, embracing him.

“Oh, Eddie, your home!” he yelled, hugging his oldest daughter with such ferocity. “I was beginning to worry! And Ali! You have returned! I was worried sick!” He hugged his younger daughter as well.

“Father,” Ali said, parting from him briefly and motioning to the hunters behind them. “I would like for you to meet the men who helped me bring sister home! This is Sir Mustang and Sir havoc.” Both men bowed at their names.

“M-m’lord…” Jean was in a slight state of shock, looking to Roy. “I didn’t know we just saved the princess!” he hissed at the older man.

The king laughed loudly. “Please, stand my good men! It is I who should give YOU recognition!” He placed and hand on each of his daughters’ shoulders. “You have saved my most precious possessions. How can I repay you? Money? Knighthood?”

Jean paused for a moment, standing. “If I may be so bold, sire…” The king nodded, motioning him to continue. Jean walked slowly over to the tawny princess, taking her hand in his own. “…I would like to ask for Princess Ali’s hand in marriage.

The princess blushed brightly, and turned to her father for permission. At his slight nod, the princess threw her arms around Jean, who promptly picked her up and took her to the nearest courtyard.

The king then turned to Roy. “And you, my good sir?”

Roy waved his hand. “I ask for nothing.” He turned and started to walk away.

Princess Eddie pouted, huffing lightly as she stalked after him, much to her father’s embarrassment. “My father offers you anything in the world and all you do is walk away?!” She grabbed Roy’s wrist, turning him around with surprising strength. Her golden eyes glared passionately. “You will take a reward!” Without a second thought, she slammed her mouth against his. There was a moment of silence as they parted, breathing heavily. “Now marry me!” The princess yelled.

“I asked you to marry me.”

“More like demanded.” Nonetheless, they were wed a few weeks later.

“and they lived happily ever after,” Al finished, as Edward tucked the sleeping girl in. “The End.”

I hope you all Enjoy!

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