The Binary Alchemist (binaryalchemist) wrote in fm_alchemist,
The Binary Alchemist

Crackfic/Musical Parody: "Amestrian Idol--A Salute to Edward Elric" with M.C. Hughesyourdaddy"

CrackFic/Musical: Amestrian Idol: Edward and the Automailettes, Hosted by MC Hughesyourdaddy
By binaryalchemist
(with special thanks to nochick_fics )
Rated: R for language and plenty of insulting innuendo.
Pairing: Ed/Roy
(from “The Great Amestrian Poetry War”)
Genre: Crackfic, Musical parody and satire—from the Bishonen Justice Leage !Verse, created by nochick_fics
Tonight—M.C. Hughesyourdaddy hosts this salute to Ed’s best musical moments from the hit TV show “Amestrian Idol” as the gloves come off and Ed pays “tribute” to the Leader of the BJL and his domestic partner, Roy Mustang…guest stars Jean Havoc,GreedLing and Olivier Milla Armstrong.
You think he’s a real ladykiller
Pursuer of skirts, you’d suppose—
The truth is—he’s raiding their wardrobes—
He only likes chicks for their CLOTHES!
Type your cut contents here

(camera zooms in on M.C. Hughesyourdaddy, elegant in his tuxedo, a snifter of brandy in one hand)

HUGHES:“Good evening! As we near the finals of the 2009 Amestrian Idols competition, we thought we’d take a look back at last year’s winner, Edward Elric.”

(camera zooms out to include Jean Havoc in frame, smoking a cigar)

JEAN HAVOC: “Y’know, Chief—it was one hell of a battle, pitting Edward against his own lover, Roy Mustang in the final round…and Ishballa knows Mustang has star quality all over him—“

HUGHES: “—really…BIG…star quality, if you know what I mean!”

JEAN HAVOC:”---and the boys were head to head—“

HUGHES: “—IF you’ll pardon the double entendre, folks!—“

JEAN HAVOC: “---right up until that final vote cast by Major General Armstrong—“

HUGHES: “—boy, that was one hell of a nut-cutting for the Colonel. But it was The Metal Man who came out on top—in more ways than one, so tonight, we’re going to look back on the highlights of that…er….climactic…final battle!”

(cue lights down—camera on video screen)

HUGHES: “Our first clip comes from his debut on Amestrian Idol—and from the start he came out swinging with a heavy volley of in-and-out-and-inuendo…”

HUGHES: “LAADIEEEEZ AND GENTLEMENNNNNN! Taking the spotlight now is that former child prodigy, hero of the people---and my daughter Elycia was born on his birthday!—and Poet Laureate of Amestris—give it up for EDWAAAAARD ELRIIIIIIIC!”

(Edward enters, stage left, clad in tight leather pants that look like they were spray painted on, carrying an electric guitar. He plugs into the amplifier and turns flashing gold eyes and a dazzling smile to the audience of adoring fans )

EDWARD: All right…all right….Some of you think Roy’s got me licked…all over. He fired the first rounds in this war….cheap shots and low blows….god knows he’s an authority on low blows, since he keeps wearing out the knees of his uniform trousers, not to mention the tubes of Chap-Stick he goes through every week. AWWRIGHT! MUSTANG—CAN YA HEAR ME??? ::hits a D major chord and grins sadistically:: YOU ASKED FOR IT, ASSHOLE!

My Colonel looks cute in black leather—

He’s fetching in feathers and lace—

It’s a shame that his lipstick and makeup

Get blown off when I come in his face!

You think he’s a real ladykiller

Pursuer of skirts, you’d suppose—

The truth is—he’s raiding their wardrobes—

He only likes chicks for their CLOTHES!

My lover’s a true Sweet Transvestite

In spite of his ranking and class

And the reason you won’t get rebuttal---

Is he’s home tonight—WAXING HIS ASS!

HUGHES:“Next up, the Spoken Word category—roll clip!”

EDWARD: (to the camera) "Hey Colonel! C'mere! I'll Poetry SLAM you down on your desk and give you a couple of hot measures of 'iambic pentameter!

Colonel in Blue, come blow my horn—

Talk to me dirty and read me some porn

But where’s the old geezer I fucked so deep?

Passed out from exhaustion, fast asleep!

Mustang dear Mustang

Bend over, I pray

I’m tired of your bitching

It’s time for some play

I’m sick of your smirking

And verbal abuse

So let’s put that mouth

To more suitable use

But if you should nip

I’ll get even for sure—

Jpegs of your limp dick

Will be faxed to the Fuehrer!

(camera pans to Mustang in his dressing room, smirking slightly)

MUSTANG: “Droll, Fullmetal. Very droll.”

(voiceover from Hughes as the scene changes to a Xingian temple setting, Edward clad in a traditional hakima and kimono)

HUGHES: “The we aired our live special from Xing, hosted by Emperor GreedLing…”
GREED!LING: “Tonight, the semi-finalists will compete in composing a series of Xingian Haiku for my personal consideration.:

(Edward bows, lifts a single lotus blossom and recites softly…)

Mustang, you uke—

Your ass looks like a ripe peach

I wanna bite it!

‘Tis for good reason

They named me Fullmetal—

MINE didn’t rust like *yours*

Would that a handslap

Could transmute a limp noodle

Into a stallion

“Smilin’ Bob” just called—

Enzyte can stiffen limp pricks

It can’t raise the DEAD!

Thank the gods, your ass

Is so very delectable

In spite of your age


(voiceover from Hughes)

HAVOC: “…and who will ever forget our LoliShota Spectacular, as our contestants created their own unique Mother Goosed songs, hosted by Sebastian Michaelis…”

(camera on Edward in goth lolishota velvet suit and lace collar)

EDWARD: “This looks fuckin’ ridiculous…but here goes:

My old DOG—loves to please

Sucks my dick down on his knees

With a ‘SLAP’ ‘SMACK!’ –paddle-whack

Listen to him moan!

Mustang’s ass I proudly pwn!

Hear him plead—hear him beg

Watch him hump my metal leg

With a ‘SLAP’ ‘SMACK!’ –paddle-whack

Listen to him moan!

Mustang’s ass I proudly pwn!

Snap his leash-walk him home

“Hungry, Roy? Then EAT MY BONE!”

With a ‘SLAP’ ‘SMACK!’ –paddle-whack

Listen to him moan!

Mustang’s ass I proudly pwn!

In his pink poodle drag

Rhinestone studded rabies tag

He’s the cutest Furry you could hope to see—

Doggie of the Mili’try!

“Okay—can I get out of the @#$%ing suit now, before Sebastian decides to violate my ass…shit, you’re creepier than Light Yagami!”


HUGHES: “But it was that balls-out rocker from last week in front of our guest judge from Yuridelphia, Major General Armstrong, that pushed Edward over the top and into stardom—let’s have a look…”

(camera cuts to Jean Havoc interviewing Major General Armstrong)

HAVOC:“Good evening! I’m Jean Havoc—and with me tonight is my special guest Major General Olivier Armstrong. General, it’s good to see you, Ma’am!”

GEN. ARMSTRONG:“Thank you, Second Lieutenant.”

HAVOC:“General—you’ve read the Colonel’s postings, and you were here in the audience for Ed’s rebuttal concert. Any thoughts on who is, shall we say, coming out on top?”

(A long period of profound silence, followed by a snort of disgust)

HAVOC: “Er…General?? Your observations?”

(Camera cuts to close up of the Major General, leaning into the microphone with quiet menace)

GEN. ARMSTRONG:“Shortly after I arrived in Central I was approached by that backwoods upstart greenhorn Roy Mustang. He attempted to persuade me to go out with him. I declined. Within a week five of my brassieres went missing…”

HAVOC: (cutting in nervously) “Th-thank you! And now, in his make or break performance, here’s EDWARD ELRIC!”

(Ed takes the stage once more, accompanied by an all female chorus. He is riding a vintage Harley, clad in black leather from head to toe with his hair flowing down his back. The Automailettes---Winry, Mei-chan, Paninya, Maria Ross—and Pinako. on 12 string rhythm guitar—look adorable in classic 50’s leather jackets and poodle skirts---heisted from Roy’s closet. )

ED: “Key of E, Ladies! HERE WE GO!”

My boyfriend Roy has got an wicked reputation-

“Hey la, hey la—my boyfriend Roy!”

He shot off his mouth and so began this altercation—

“Hey la, hey la—my boyfriend Roy!”

He acts ambitious, but he’s such a lazy prick—

“Hey la, hey la—my boyfriend Roy!”

He’s a closet uke who’s addicted to my dick

“Hey la, hey la—my boyfriend Roy!”

YEAH—he looks like he’s a-sleepin’

IN—my bed he keeps a-creepin’

He’ll snap his fingers to create a flame—

“Hey la, hey la—my boyfriend Roy!”

Then he beats it out with a swing of his cane!

“Hey la, hey la—my boyfriend Roy!”

He’ll never top me—I’m too far out of reach

“Hey la, hey la—my boyfriend Roy!”

His mind’s getting’ senile—but his ASS is a PEACH!

“Hey la, hey la—my boyfriend Roy!”

Hey—he calls me a geek

LEAST—I’m not an antique!

What makes him think he can last through the night


He’ll be beggin’ me for mercy in the pale morning light



Before I fuck him he sneaks down the hall—

“Hey la, hey la—my boyfriend Roy!”

For a cocktail of VIAGRA and GERITOL

“Hey la, hey la—my boyfriend Roy!”

He’s fillin’ in his wrinkles with shots of Botox—

“Hey la, hey la—my boyfriend Roy!”

He needs CPR after he gets off his rocks—

“Hey la, hey la—my boyfriend Roy!”

He can still give me a thrill—though

He’s gotta use that strap-on dildo!

“Hey la, hey la—my boyfriend Roy!”

YEAH—my boyfriend Roy—he’s a GEEZER

My boyfriend Roy—I’m his TEASER—

My boyfriend Roy—IS A PEACH!


(thunderous applause—Ed and the Automailettes throw kisses to the crowd. A thousand screaming fan girls fling their underwear at Ed who snatches them up)

EDWARD: “Thanks for the panties, girls—They’ll look great on Roy!”

(Cut back to Hughes and Havoc)

HUGHES: “And that’s the way it was---and who will come out on top for 2009? Stay tuned for next week for our finals on AMESTRIAN IDOL!”

End transmission…

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