I run on coffee and impatience (melts) wrote in fm_alchemist,
I run on coffee and impatience

Flame Alchemist: the Assessment Chronicles

Hiyo everyone! Been awhile since I wrote here, but here I am, with a goody for you all.
This is actually from a book that SV_CHAN got when she bought the FMA manga in a Chinese book store, and I translated it. It's a side-story about our beloved colonel, Roy Mustang, and his mishaps as assessment draws near.
Have fun!

Flame Alchemist: Assessment Chronicles

Note: the following documents are top secret. Should anything is leaked out to the public, the result would be a fine of $100

Dear Mr/Ms Havoc:
This is a notice to inform you of the annual assessment. The headquarter's objective is to assess the loyalty of the members, as well as the general situation of each station, we've decided to use military personnel that we've deemed as especially qualified to do this task.
As we've stated before, the headquarter's objective is to also learn of the general situation of each station, and the daily functions; hence, please do not publicize your observations during this assessment week (we allow you to decide the assessment method, so there may be a chance later for you to publish your report).
Please submit your report by next week, and mail it to the "Assessment Dept."
Your instructions will be in another letter

pg. 4
The annual assessment is here again, but this time, the assessment officer is nowhere to be found. Instead, the task is delegated to different individuals who are responsible for this task. Usually, the East quarter passes with flying colors, which is a good thing. However, to the assessment officer, this appears to be...boring.
The "inconveniences" of "It's not like there'll be problems (with east quarter)" + "central quarter are lacking personnel" + "budget cuts" + "It's just a pain going there" = the Central Quarter came up with the current solution of using individual military officers as assessment officers, and letting them write the report instead. This appears to be a rather efficient solution!
By the time everyone here has already read their letters, it's already past noon. Bruda, Farman and Philly(?) were all forced to read these letters, by the way.
"Hehe, this looks like a fun job..." Havoc had a rather sinister smirk on his face, and looked at the three who weren't saying anything about the letters.
pg 5
"The higher-ranks just gave you an important task, though!" (havoc)
What really surprised the three (bruda, farman and philly) was that their task was to "observe and assess your superior".
"B...but that means....our superior is Mustang...soo...."
Havoc grabbed the letters away from the three, whose mouths were still positively open, and read the contents again.
"Blah, blah, observe the daily routine of the superior officer, blah blah, connect with the people, blah blah...basically, the higher-ranks wants us to tattle on Mustnag, and whether he deserves such a high salary." Havoc took out the cigarette in his mouth, and actually became serious about the impending task.
"I think this gives us a great opportunity."
"Great opportunity?"
Havoc continued, "I have nothing against the colonel, but it's just that...he's gipped me out of a lot of stuff. He stole my dinner, WHILE I was eating, dumped difficult tasks on me, made me work overtime, and stole all the girls I liked. These things should be reported...."
"So basically, you're just using this as a way of getting back at the colonel by making him look bad." Bruda knew what Havoc was thinking perfectly, but Philly on the other hand...
"Girls?? I don't think you have worse luck than the colonel...Just yesterday I saw you with that cute girl...

pg. 6
...who was passing you a love letter!"
"Yeah, she gave me a love letter, all right....for the colonel."
The only explanation why Havoc is off his lazy ass and doing something, is probably because of this reason...
"Look, this is a great way for the colonel to see how he's really like sometimes. Besides, if we all work hard, I'm sure the Central Quarter would take notice." Havoc continued..
"B...but the letter said we can't publicize the findings...." Farman was still a bit worried about his job, after all, and Havoc gripped his shoulders
"Still, we need to do as perfect a job as possible. So I need you guys to help me....right??"
Havoc stopped talking, and looked, with an evil smirk, at the three.
No one could resist.

pg. 7
"Flame Alchemist - (COLONEL) Roy Mustang observation journal Assessment journal"
pg 8
Day 1
Time: 10:10 am - Havoc
Today's the first day of this journal, and I'm the one responsible. I swear I have no evil intentions, but I intend to use my honest sight to record thsi journal. But...since I'm not always going to be with him....I have three helpers. So, HELP!! I'll do some of the work myself, and plan on writing another copy for central. Everyone, write whatever you want in here. The colonel is currently in his office, so go observe...

Tiime :10: 45 am - Havoc
Colonel is working. Documents on table. Doesn't look happy or with energy.
He saw me walking in, and asked if I was also being lazy. The fact that he would ask me if I was being lazy, too shows he was being lazy himself and knows it. Faced with these tasks that must be done before noon, his response was "what a pain."
pg. 9
Hawkeye will come work in the afternoon....Can the colonel finish his task before then?? I doubt it...

Time: 11:50 am - Bruda
I wanted to run a check on the emergency radio service, and ran into the colonel's office, also to check up on him... Colonel was muttering things like "crap...only ten minutes left" while looking at the huge pile of paperwork on his desk, or practicing his signature on them. He seemed busy...Go Colonel, go!

Time: 12:25 pm - Havoc
The Colonel is holding a sandwich in his hand, while approaching Hawkeye's dog, Black Hayate. He appears to want to initiate feeding procedures with the the dog. Ahh...the doggie ran away...

Time: 3:05 pm - Havoc
This is what happened at today's meeting.
* read everyone's report and gave advice
*used 20 minutes to talk about the problems he found
* if I only wrote stuff like this, he'll look rather impressive. But I know he was yawning...6 times.
pg 10
this is the truth which I record here...

Time : 3:23 pm - Farman
The Colonel is cleaning his desk...the top appears to be rather neat, but the drawers are messy. He found a bunch of paper clips, so he's trying to put them back where they belong. As the "office supply manager," I always say that no matter how many paper clips we buy, we always use them up ASAP. Guess the colonel is to blame...

Time: 11:10 - Havoc
I'm here for my late shift, and ran into the resting quarters to see how the colonel was doing. He told me to go away, and that he wants to nap. He kicked me out......maybe I 'll do this again in a few days...

pg. 11
(pointing to paperclips taped to journal) evidence
pg. 12
Day 2
Time 7:39 am - Philly
Good morning!
Colonel Roy Mustang is currently signing documents sent here 3 days ago, which are due today by 9 am. He may have been too busy lately, so he didn't get a chance to work on them these past few days. He always seems so busy! I must work harder to assist him in anyway....
note: Havoc, I took the liberty of changing the title of the journal. Observation just seemed like an odd word....and he IS your superior, so calling him without his title seemed inapprpriate

Time: 8:51 am - Havoc
Colonel turned in documents to Hawkeye, and she's correcting his grammar and spelling.
He seems to always put things off until the last minute. It's not because he's busy, but it's more of a habit. Same goes for yesterday and today.
pg 13
Oy. Lietenant Hawkeye found problems... she told him to re-write this...and he didn't look too happy.
note: what's wrong with "observation"? It's not like HE'll see it...

Time: 3:12 pm - Farman
Colonel is meeting with a guest at the moment. The guest may be a high-ranking officer, even though he's in plain clothes. Colonel looks very capable at his post, and because he is what and who he is at such a young age, he knows a lot of people.

Time: 4:17 pm - Havoc
Yeah, but his personality probably gives him plenty of enemies, right?

Time: 8:12 pm - Havoc
pg. 14
Colonel's off!
He doesn't seem to like overtime. That just means jobs that need to be done today will probably end up being done by me. He was smiliing when looking at his planner....guess that means he has a date. I bet a lot of people in the military probably wonders how he attracts the opposite sex...

Time: 8:20 pm - Bruda
I remember seeing a letter from Central asking Colonel to go teach a seminar on "how to attract the opposite sex." OOH, and did you know that he has a total of 203 love letters already? This record is still on-going, and one of the love letters is from a girl that Havoc likes....

Time: 9:31 pm - Havoc
Stop writing about me! Write about the Colonel!
pg. 15
"People who leak out info will be fined $100..." isn't that a bit, cheap?
Too cheap!
Guess that means the colonel is only worth $100...oops.....did I say that?

pg. 16
Day 3
Time: 3:12 pm - Havoc
Colonel went out to inspect the fire extinguishing system. Philly and I tagged along.
While Colonel was walking, he got a letter from a girl that works in a floral shop. Women with their husbands were also giving him "the look." One old lady even gave him an air kiss.
The Colonel was able to read the documents while smiling at the ladies....eh, isn't that a bit too friendly?

Time: same time - Philly
The colonel was working very hard today during inspection.
He was trying especially hard to understand the underground sewers and water system, as well as any other ways of extinguishing fires in times of war. A lot of people don't like the military, but the East Quarters never had a problem. Everyone likes us! Everyone was waving at the colonel when he passed, and he smiled back! See, he's so caring. Maybe that's why people like him.

pg. 17
Time 6 pm - Bruda
Colonel is suppose to work until 7 today, but he said that he was going to the city hall, and then head straight home. He was already preparing to go home. Looks like he has a date with the floral shop girl. Yeesh, they met in the morning, and had a date the same night....he works fast....

Time 6:15 pm - Philly
The colonel is working especially hard today and a really fast speed. He was going to go to a date (probably researching at city hall), when Hawkeye walked in with more documents for him to look at, which there's no way for him to finish today. He kept mutterin that he can't be late, and continued to work hard.....

Time: 7:05 pm - Havoc
The power of his impending date is amazing! The colonel actually finished all his work! Amazing! He finished all his readings! This is actually respectable...

Time: 7:15 pm - Philly
"Don't let your date wait." Wow...the colonel is so caring.
pg. 18
The Lietenant just recieved Colonel's finished paperwork, and went to practice at the shooting range. If Colonel can keep his work pace up, the Liutenant can finish her work in time, too, and have her own free time, like for shooting. But...today...her gun's making a weird sound...

Time: 8:05 pm - Farman
Hawkeye is using a special gun for practicing, and with special bullets that splatter in the target....she destroyed the shooting range.....

Time: 10:50 pm - Havoc
Overtime is making me hungry, and I went to a deli for some food. The girls in the store gave me free cookies......for the colonel.
DAMN IT! I hate working overtime!

Time: 11:15 pm - Havoc
AFter the little fiasco at the deli, I went back and accidentally fell asleep..Crap! I just drooled on the paper...this is all Taisan's fault..Screw it, I'm going home.

pg. 19 - drool mark
pg 20
Day 4
Time : 6:10 am - Bruda
Colonel reported for work at 6 o'clock, but his breakfast were....cookies....so unlike him. They were from that girl that Havoc wrote about yesterday
Eh? This water mark.....eww....hehe...it's from Havoc's drool!

Time: 7:12 am - Havoc
Bruda, stop looking at these insignificant microscopic details. What's the Colonel doing now?

Time: 8:29 am - Havoc
What the hell?!?! I don't get what he's doing....do you HAVE to splash water onto the windows when you're cleaning them?? We're INDOORS....

Time: 9:21 am - Philly
The colonel is currently cleaning the meeting room. Why is he doing this?? Rumors have it that the Colonel's area of inspection is on the East Quarter's maintenance, and some high-ranking officers are suppose to come and check, so maybe that's why he'd do something like this (starting with so = pg. 21)

pg. 21
Time: 11:21 am - HAvoc
The colonel is cleaning up the rooms for everyone...aww, how nice! Hey Colonel! WAIT!! WAH!!!!

Time: 11:32 am - Havoc
I don't understand whether he's cleaning, or making an even bigger mess.
It's really windy outside, but the stupid colonel wanted "a fresh breeze for the office", and opened the windows, blowing papers everywhere. Oy, don't add to our workload!

Time: 2:45 pm - Havoc
I see it!!
The colonel is pretending to take notes, but he's actually doodling a doggie.

Time: 2:50 pm - Philly
WOW!! Amazing! The colonel has much talent in the arts!!!

pg. 22
Time: 3:07 pm - Bruda
I saw the dog he was doodling. What talent? That's a dog?

Time: 11:02 pm - Havoc
The colonel is napping, and I'm observing. Dunno if it's because he's too tired, but he doesn't seem to be able to wake up. He might be the type who wakes up when there's an alarm, but otherwise sleeps like it's the end of the world though...
The colonel is probably prepared to wake up any moment, so he still has on his uniform. His sleeping position is holding the pillow with both hands, and he sleeps on the side. His mouth is slightly opened....but what if dust and flies get in there?
He's not snoring, nor does he talk in his sleep - very quiet. I'm getting worried he may not be breathing....is he breathing???

pg. 23 - Whee! Got the Colonel's doodle...it may be a dog....

pg. 24
Day 5
Time: 9:37 am - Philly
Colonel doesn't seem happy....
I head that when he was napping yesterday, Havoc went and smothered up his mouth.
Havoc said, "I wanted to see if you were breathing!" but Colonel responded with "IDIOT!! If you cover my mouth up, then I really CAN'T breathe!"
The colonel is so right.

Time: 9:45 am - Havoc
Ahh, I've witnessed the Colonel's combat skills...Ouch. I just wanted to see if he was still alive and breathing...why hit me?

Time: 9:55 am - Philly
Colonel is reasearching in the library, and cleaning up some bookshelves

Time 9:59 am - Havoc
pg. 25
Isn't the library the Colonel's favorite napping place? Better go check if he's sleeping.
He's working...and he had the nerve of saying "you've been slacking off, haven't you?" Hey, "observing" the colonel is my job, but I do admit that todays' the last day for the assessment. Hope he can let me off the hook

Time: 12:03 pm Havoc
I think Colonel went out for lunch. His reason was because "I need to inspect the fellow citizens out walking." Yeah.It's probably because the tea in the cafeteria was bad today, so he snuck off to get a drink elsewhere.

Time: 1:19 pm - Farman
Well, duh. The tea does taste horrible. It's always been horrible. Today was even more horrible.

Time: 3:46 pm - Philly
I thought it tasted great! Lietenant Hawkeye just made some for me, and it's really good! It's the same tea leaf, but when the lietenant makes it, it always tastes better. Colonel heard this, and said "you think too much."

Time: 4:03 pm - Havoc, Bruda, Farman
pg. 26
You do think too much. Stop thinking. You think too much.

Time: 6:45 pm - Havoc
I can't believe we actually had the time to eat dinner together. Tonight's dinner was suppose to train Philly's military culinary skills, but the Colonel joined too, on the pretense that he's here to teach (he's probably just being lazy about the other work he has to do). The colonel ended up cooking some of the entrees, and his were not hideous, but not delicious either. I guess making such a bland meal is a talent.
Oh, and the Colonel only ate the entrees that Philly cooked. He didn't touch anything he made himself.

Time: 7:50 pm - Havoc
This assessment has come to a successful end.
I think the Colonel is a great officers, and after inspecting him, you can really tell that he has a really relaxed manner about him when working. I will dutifully write a report on all our findings.
Thanks to Bruda, Farman and Philly for all your help

pg. 27
Assessment Report
Below are the findings during this assessment.
After much inspection, observation and assessment, I believe that Colonel Roy Mustang is an able officer.
the truth is....after objective observation, there are many questions to be raised about the colonel's behavior. Below are some examples for the committee to consider.

1. Colonel always fulfills his duty of watching over the needs of the people, and no matter how busy he is, he always makes time for the citizens here. Many people here view him with love and respect, and the colonel receives a lot of mail and presents from the people - proof of their love.
....almost everyone who gives him a present is a female

2. All work is finished in a timely manner
he always finishes them close to the deadline

3.In his heart, we know the colonel really cares about maintaining neatness in the working areas.
he doesn't actually know how to clean stuff up...
John Havoc

pg. 28
Today, Philly's superior officer, Roy Mustang, seems especially happy.
"Sir, you seem rather cheerful..." Philly asked, as he hands back some of the paperwork.
"Yep. This year's assessment has been a success, and I can finally take a break. You guys seemed to have finished yours too."
Mustang's manners is the same as usual, but an extra smirk seemed to say "something good is going to happen." He continued to smile, as he asked Philly how his inspection duties went.
"oh, well, at first, I was a bit worried whether I was up to the task, but it has turned out well."
"that's good."
That is not to say, of course, that Philly could say what he was really thinking. Besides inspecting Colonel Roy Mustang (unbeknownst to the colonel), he was to also inspect Havoc. He thought he would have to delegate some of the tasks out, like what Havoc did with him, Farman, and Bruda, but the inspection was rather easy.

pg. 29
(afterall, the only thing needed on Philly's report was "Havoc out to chase Colonel Mustang again today")
Roy finished signing the paperwork for Philly, when he asked...
"Done. Here. It's a letter from Central to Havoc. It got accidentally delievered here, mind returning it to him?"
"Sure thing. Okie-dokie..gotta go now, colonel..."
But the colonel didn't stop smiling.
"Say, I was thinking, how about we all go out to dinner tonight? Mind asking what others think of this idea? Oh, and of course, it's my treat."
"?? Eh? Colonel, did you get a bonus or something? What's with the dinner and the smile?"
"You figure it out." With that cryptic note, the colonel continued smiling, as an uncertain Philly walked out the door, also smiling and shaking his head at the colonel's adoring child-like behavior.

pg. 30
Dear Mr/Ms Havoc
This is in response to the report you've recently submitted.
You've reported that there are questions to be raised about Colonel Roy Mustang's behavior at work. However, the colonel is not disrupting the order in the military, and he has actively sought out the people's approval. He has even took on tasks in which he has no expertise (cleaning). Thus, we felt that this was especially commendable, and we've decided to give a salary bonus to the colonel as a reward for his hard work.
Also, in your report, you didn't simply state whether the colonel was capable or incapable, but instead took a middle-road approach, and we felt that this was commendable also. We would like to reward your wonderful effort with a salary bonus as well.
Unfortunately, the personnel responsible for your inspection has reported to us that in completing your given task of inspecting the colonel, your enthusiasm and passion has left you negligent of your other duties.
Although your passion in this endeavor is extremely commendable, yet you must realize that to succeed, one must have a long-term vision. We hope that you could reflect on this particular weakness and improve, which we are sure that you would peform wonderfully on. As a result, we will be imposing an official warning on your transcript, and deduct pay for a half-month. We hope that you may model yourself after Colonel Roy Mustang, and grow from your faults, and become an even more efficient soldier for the military. </a>
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