Title: "The Brothers Elric and the Philosopher's Stone"
Rating: PG-13 for language and some sex thingits.
Pairings: a little bit o' Elricest.
Genre: Crack, possibly more than you need.
Warnings: Spoilers to book 5 of HP, spoilers up to Conqueror of Shamballa.
Chapters: Chapter one and chapter two
Notes: I know. I took four months. Two of them were spent thinking how I was supposed to update around Christmas in order to make this a real "Holiday special."
So here, faithful fans.
(By the by, comments make za world go round the world go round!)
Winter was soon approaching, at least according to the author who thought it was time for a Christmas episode. Snow had begun to fall, decorations went up, and strange contradictions between Christianity and magic became evident.
“So, explain this ‘Christmas’ this to me,” Edward questioned his students. And, of course, being the unfortunate teacher’s pet she was, Hermione raised her hand to answer.
“Christmas is the Christian holiday celebrating the birth of Jesus Christ, the son of God.”
“God was in that description, so yeah, screw it,” Edward said, rolling his eyes. Alphonse gained a sad look upon his face. “You all have to write five pages on the uses of Alchemy in Herbology. I expect it back on the first day from break.” All the students groaned, the affectionately dubbed “Girlies” messed up their lipstick, and Lauren sighed. She packed up her books and left the classroom, headed towards her Ravenclaw dormitory, where she would spend her time reading and talking with Pierre.
“‘Allo my dear Lau-ren,” said Pierre in his fantastically overstated French accent.
“Oh, Pierre, will life ever become easier?” asked Lauren, beginning her essay.
“I do not respond to rhetoreecal questions, you know zis,” he replied.
“Brother, I think you should reconsider about this whole Christmas thing,” Alphonse pleaded.
“And why should I? It’s a religious holiday. I’m an atheist, as can be seen by my alchemic awesome.”
“Don’t you notice that this is a school for magic? None of the kids here are Christian. They just do it because it’s fun,” reasoned Alphonse.
Edward considered this, and retorted, “Well, do we do alchemy because it’s fun?”
Alphonse sighed. “Yes, we do. I saw you transmuting moustaches from the bedding.”
Victory, Alphonse decided, tasted like Edward spluttering in his face.
“Today we’re going to talk more about alchemy with plants. Now, this might have been a topic researched by a tall bastard, but it’s still important and I like torturing you all.”
Alphonse knew it would be one of those days (which was every day) when Edward’s opening words came out of his mouth. He continued setting up the plants for the practical part of the lesson.
“With this kind of alchemy, it’s important to know the different runes for water–“ suddenly, the professor’s lecture was interrupted by Hermione and Secondary Character. (Both professors could not remember that kid’s name for the lives of them.)
“Ron, I am trying to learn! I simply cannot concentrate if you are telling me stories about how your brothers made some fizzy whangdoodle thing!” Hermione shouted.
Alphonse went to the two students in order to stop their bickering. “Now, now, let’s keep it down. What’s the problem?”
Hermione replied, fast as a whip, “He keeps hitting on me when I don’t even care!” Ron (Alphonse recorded this for later reference) went bright red, his face blowing up like something Kimbley had clapped his hands to.
“I am not hitting on you! You’re just so– so self-centered and lonely that you imagine it that way!”
The classroom had gone completely silent, focusing on the couple or lack thereof, mostly due to the fact that Edward had stopped his lecturing to be an ass.
“Haha, do they need some...love counseling?” Edward said brashly.
“I think they do!” said Alphonse, his eye sparkling with determination, just as his brother’s were.
Ron had a wonderful response which went like this: “Have you two even had girlfriends?”
“Well, this girl liked Ed once–“
“Al totally had a crush on this one lady who was actually a criminal–“
“And then there was Winry but I’m not sure if she ever–“
Hermione stopped them, “You mean you haven’t.”
Both the brothers deflated in defeat.
Hogsmead, being a place of focus on capitalism, was decked out with all sorts of wreathes, ribbons, lights, and (to everyone’s horror) a giant talking Santa. To say the least, Edward was having a bad day, aside from the part where he got to get tons of food.
“These Brits have got it good! Cornish pasties, pies, trifle, fish and chips...” Edward shouted, making satiated noises to accompany his delight.
“I feel bad for those kids,” Alphonse said suddenly.
“Which kids?” questioned Edward while he licked his fingers.
“Hermione and Reg. Or Ron? Yeah. Those two. I wish I could help them some way with their love troubles so they could be happy.”
Edward pulled his index finger from his mouth with a small pop, then continued, “But why do you want to help them anyway?” Alphonse gave the “can’t you tell?” glare to his brother.
“Oh, it’s because they’re in love, like you and...Winry.” Edward was glad that he’d caught his slip in time. They both decided to start wandering the highly disturbing streets of Hogsmead yet again.
Young Winifred, a girl of fair beauty was skipping down an avenue of Hogsmead. Despite the snow, the road was not slippery and temperature was not too cold. She was having a wonderful day, just skipping along, viewing all the beautiful decorations. This all came to a halt when she saw something dazzling. She stopped and stared at this sight. It was beautiful Magnificent Many of the other girls stopped where she did, staring at the sight that was so gripping, so enchanting. They all gathered in a semi-circle, surrounding it.
A male voice shouted behind them all, “Fuck! Mustang, how the hell did you get here?”
“It really is wonderful that girls in this world are able to appreciate the beauty of the male physique when one is arranging his decor,” Roy told the Elrics. Both boys were in shock.
“Okay, answer my question. How did you get here?” Edward asked.
“Well, then...when you told me to destroy the gate, I wasn’t entirely prompt in my duties. I had lots of paperwork with the destruction of Central and Liore, not to mention the whole promotion business. You know how it is, right?” Both brothers stared with quiet annoyance. “I went down to the underground city, prepared to destroy the gate and all. I figured it would be pretty easy. Well, as luck would have it, not true The damn thing sucked me in. Then some kid said, ‘Hey, you know those Elric kids. I know just where to send you!’ I end up in this creepy place with all these freaks and weirdos. So I decided that it’s best to just adapt. Now I’m selling books right here.”
“Well, whatever. Now we’re working up at the school, so don’t bother us with your stupid seniority and outranking shit by visiting...”
As Edward ranted about how Roy should stay away, Alphonse had an idea.
“And don’t forget, it’s illegal to date the students–“
“Mr. Mustang, you’re popular with the ladies, right?” Mustang looked confused but answered with a solid “hell yeah.”
“I would be indebted if you would help me with some of my students,” Alphonse said, bowing his head.
Edward looked wearily at his brother, “Didn’t I just say that that’s illegal?”
Harry Potter, was, with out a doubt, a genius. Or at least that’s what he told himself at night. He stood in front of a transmutation circle, filled with all the ingredients for a human. He was about to resurrect his parents.
The transmutation circle was drawn with perfect precision in a dank and unused dungeon. He had the ingredients for two human adults. Nothing, absolutely nothing could go wrong, thought young Potter as he set his hands on the circle.
Blue lights filled the room, but then changed to a stormy purple.
“Oh shit!” Harry yelled, pushing two unnamed passing Slytherins into the vortex. When the clouds of ozone had disappeared in the room, there were two pulsing gobs of flesh sat in the middle of Harry’s transmutation circle.
“Um...I’m just gonna say this never happened.”
The collective that was Roy, Edward, and Alphonse peaked around a corner like the spies they were. Are.
“You want me to hook up two fuglies? Dammit, Fullmetal, I have a shop to run,” said Roy.
“Ohoho, but what about the hussies you got to run your shop for free?” asked Edward.
“Ohoho, it wasn’t exactly free,” Roy said, pain in his voice.
There was silence for a moment.
“Well, whatever, just fix them up,” said Alphonse.
Roy plotted a predictable plan that had been done at least a billion times before. Hey, whatever works.
Christmas arrived, and with it the usual cheer of students, especially for one Lauren of Ravenclaw, who, if you didn’t remember, is the ridiculously nerdy girl.
“Oh, Pierre, The Guide to Everything Nerdy? However did you know?” Lauren shouted. Pierre sat on her bed in a tasteful green sweater in tasteful way-too-small jeans. Lauren flipped to a page on Trekkies vs. Trekkers. She became quickly disinterested and turned to the Anime section. Her eyes grew wide and the book slipped from her hands.
“LawwwREN, vatever did you zee? Lawwwren?” Pierre questioned with 95% indifference and 5% worry.
“I think we have a problem on our hands, Pierre.”
“Sweet! Magnesium wire! Can I burn it now?” Edward asked his brother. He’d reverted to a childish state ever since crashing into the little Christmas tree. Alphonse was playing with his magical plush kitty that would never die, even when you went to summer camp, because it was plush.
“You can wait until we make the traditional Roy snowman, then you can light his face on fire. Wow, that’s going to be awkward now that he’s in this world,” Alphonse responded.
Edward shook his head, responding, “Nah, we should just invite him this time. It will be that much sweeter.”
At that moment in time, things got really, really weird. Mostly because Alfons Heiderich’s ghost entered the room.
“Hallo Edvard. I am ze ghost of Rocketry Pahst.”
“Why am I a pile of pus and flesh?”
“I am unsure, but I think I will call you Greed.”
“Sweet. You can be Lust.”
The doors of Hogwarts school of Witchcraft and Wizardry burst open, letting in crisp winter air, along with two figures.
“Ah...Mr. Lupin. And Mr. Black. You’ve arrived.”
“It’s good to be back, Albus.”
“Jesus fucking Christ, I smell cliffhangers!” yelled Hermione, just awoken in a cold sweat. The scent was distinct and unmistakable.
All Hermione knew was that all her questions would have to wait for the next chapter.
X-posted a la fm_alchemist and elricest