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09 December 2006 @ 02:03 pm
My first ever Fan fic.. and my first ever FMA fanfic too!!  
This is the first part of the story.. there is no naughty parts in this one, but I just wanted to post this part even before I finished the whole thing because I want to see what people think so far.. so please give me some constructive critism here !!

Title: After the Fall
Author: Seaweedotter
Characters: Roy x Ed (and a tiny bit of Hawkeye emo)
Rating: R to NC-17 (overall for language and nudity) but PG rating for
this section for language.
Warnings/Disclaimers: The story may change the continuity from the end
of episode 25 in the TV series just a tiny bit, it takes place after
Hughes' death but before Ed, Al, and Winry take the train to Rush Valley
Also please bear with me, this is my first attempt at FMA fanfic, or *ANY*
fanfic at all.
The characters obviously belong to thier creators, not me.

Read more..
Current Mood: nervousnervous
Demon: Ed can't sleepsuperfinemind on December 9th, 2006 07:07 pm (UTC)
Cut please? It's kind of big, especially because your lines are all broken partway across the screen.
Sushi Freakseaweedotter on December 9th, 2006 07:35 pm (UTC)
okay done
Demonsuperfinemind on December 9th, 2006 07:39 pm (UTC)
thank you!
Twinkie-chanxx_jessica8522 on December 9th, 2006 07:35 pm (UTC)
yeah, please cut it.
Sushi Freakseaweedotter on December 9th, 2006 07:36 pm (UTC)
okay okay it is done....
the power of organic magic flows: peepee danceepistretes on December 9th, 2006 08:36 pm (UTC)
Hmm, I find it hard to read with the lines all broken like that, so here I have four things that ought to help you.

- Its making my mind go into poetry mode and this isn't poetry. Using normal fic format will help.

- Paragraphs, please.

- Also, sentences cannot being with "And".

- Lastly, all speech needs to be on a new line, unless it is a continuance by the same character.
maudite_a_deux on December 10th, 2006 05:24 am (UTC)
- Also, sentences cannot being with "And".

Ah, it's a classic rule: you can't pick on someone else's grammar or spelling without making a mistake yourself.

That said, sentences can, and often do, begin with 'and'. While it's true that proper usage forbids that sort of thing, fiction allows for all sorts of deviations in the name of style, assuming it's done intentionally and with good reason. I wouldn't have written it that way in this particular instance, but it didn't seem unreasonable to me. The dialogue-needs-to-start-a-new-paragraph thing is important, but personally I think it was a pretty good start overall.

On the other hand, unless I'm horribly misremembering things, Ed wasn't present for Hughes' funeral, so the author might want to call this out as AU.

I'd also say 'Roy' is too familiar a form of address for Ed at this point in the story, especially at a moment when Ed is trying to be respectful; he should technically refer to Mustang by rank, but being Ed, might just call him 'Mustang'.

I'll admit this is one of my pet peeves, though -- a lot of fanfic writers do this, and it always gets on my nerves. Ed doesn't go around calling Mustang 'Roy' all the time in canon. Part of the interest value of RoyxEd is that they start out as officer and subordinate, which is yet another difficulty to overcome before they can get together, on top of the age difference, the fact that they're both male, and their differences in philosophy and temperament.
the power of organic magic flows: Umeda studyingepistretes on December 10th, 2006 05:28 am (UTC)
I am making a comment about a fic, not writing one so it matters not if my own grammar is a little off, I also did not spot my typo, but oh well.

Fiction may allow for deviations in the name of style, but it is these deviations taken to extremes that is changing the language.

It needs to be pointed out when someone is looking for constructive criticism and any beta would have picked up on that.
Dani: royxed snowcuylerjade on December 9th, 2006 08:43 pm (UTC)
I think you've got a good start. You've got some grammar issues that need to be worked out, but a good beta could help you with that. If you don't have one, I'm available and would be happy to help!! ^__^

I like the way that you've written it (the mood). Dark and depressing, yet still hopeful. Works well with the story line.

I can't wait to read more.
Sushi Freakseaweedotter on December 9th, 2006 11:58 pm (UTC)
If you want to, sure.. Not sure what a beta does exactly but if you wanna help, I would appreciate it!
Danicuylerjade on December 10th, 2006 03:41 am (UTC)
^__^ A beta basically checks for grammar & spelling issues, and can also help with characterization and sometimes plot. They can be used to bounce ideas off of or just as a live version of a spell/grammar check. It's up to the writer.

I would be happy to help beta your stories, if you want! The people I usually help are in a quiet period right now, so I've been really slow on stories to look over.

You can email it to me, if you want or I can just copy/paste it to edit/revise. Your choice.

Also, what program do you have? I usually use MS Word, but if you prefer another, just let me know!!

My email is cdcatterson@sbcglobal.net