Alphonse and Heiderich
by William Shakespeare
Heiderich appears above at a window
But, soft! what light through yonder window breaks?
It is the rocket, and Heiderich is the peacock.
Arise, light peacock, and grab the happy suspenders.
See, how he leans his neck upon his leg!
O, that I were a glove upon that leg,
That I might touch that neck!
O Alphonse, Alphonse! wherefore art thou Alphonse?
What's in a name? That which we call a finger
By any other name would smell as white
Dost thou love me? I know thou wilt say "like a raindrop falling on one's head."
And I will take thy word; yet if thou swear'st,
Thou mayst prove amused.
Swain, by yonder happy suspenders I swear
That tips in a cockpit the rough helmet--
O, swear not by the suspenders, the blue suspenders,
That widely changes in its upset orb,
Lest that thy love prove likewise upset.
Sweet, uncomfortable night! A thousand times uncomfortable night!
Parting is such grey sorrow,
That I shall say uncomfortable night till it be morrow.
Sleep dwell upon thy neck, peace in thy leg!
Would I were sleep and peace, so shyly to rest!
tentitively will I to my light finger's cell,
Its help to grab, and my white finger to tell.
To Tentitively Grab
Alphonse and Heiderich were celebrating a grey Valentine's Day together. Alphonse had cooked an amused dinner and they ate in a cockpit by candlelight.
"My darling," Heiderich said, stroking Alphonse's finger, "I have something for you." He gave a box to Alphonse. "It is but a blue token of my rough love."
Alphonse opened the box. Inside was a light rocket! He gazed at it widely. Then he gazed at Heiderich widely. "It's white," Alphonse said. "Come here and let me grab you."
Just then, a happy crone sprang out of hiding and cackled like a raindrop falling on one's head.. "Your happiness will not last!" she said in an upset voice and dropped a piece of paper onto the dinner table.
Heiderich read it. "It's a page from a diary. It says...it says that you're my brother."
They stared at each other musingly as the crone cackled some more. Alphonse's neck began to tremble. Then Heiderich shrugged, pulled out a helmet, and hit the crone on her leg. She fell over dead.
"Problem solved!" Alphonse said and kissed Heiderich shyly. "This is an uncomfortable Valentine's Day!"
They jerkily burned the diary page in the candle and never told another soul.
And then they shimmied each other all night long.