Genre: Parody / Humor / Smut
Pairing: Envy x Pinako
Spoilers: Spoilers for Manga volumes 7 on up
Warnings: Contains really freaky old people sex. Manga-based.
Disclaimer: Fullmetal Alchemist and its attendant characters and settings were created by Hiromu Arakawa and are distributed by Square-Enix, Viz, and Funimation. Scumble and Gytha are from Terry Pratchett's Discworld Series.
Summary: Father forces Envy to go on a boring assignment to watch the Rockbell House as a punishment. He's bored. Pinako's bored. Maybe a game of poker is the cure they're seeking...
Envy was bored. Normally this would spell doom for whatever people / animals / buildings were in the vicinity as the shapechanger's usual cure for boredom involved random murderous / violent / destructive acts until he felt better. Now, however, he was forbidden from doing any of that by an order from Father.
Oh, officially, he was supposed to be undercover watching the Rockbell house just in case the Fullmetal brat or his brother came back. He knew that this assignment was, in reality, a punishment meant to give him time to think on his "recent misbehaviors."
It wasn't his fault that two prime sacrificial candidates, the stupid Flame Alchemist and Fullmetal's brother, were almost crushed to death by debris he dislodged in his most recent fight with the pip-squeak. Hell after a few weeks in the hospital for the flamer and some trips to the blacksmith for the armor and they'd be good as new. It wasn't like he'd actually killed either, right? Father was just over-reacting as usual.
So here he was stuck on a surveillance mission out in the middle of fucking nowhere watching a house that contained only a harmless old woman and a dog. The worst part was that he was specifically forbade from causing any trouble for the house or the nearby town's inhabitants. Envy didn't dare disobey father; Sloth and Greed's painful (and ultimately fatal) punishments were still fresh on his mind.
So the end result was that Envy was bored out of his skull. What did people do for fun out in the boondocks anyway? He'd already upended several cows. Other than a small satisfaction at their angry and confused moos, he didn't find anything particularly enjoyable about it. Most of his time was spent in a tree near the house watching the comings and goings of customers, and the old woman.
Today had been particularly quiet, no automail customers had come to the house, and the old woman hadn't been outside since she'd come and fed the dog that morning.
"Boy," came a dry voice from below his perch, "Come down out of that tree."
Caught unawares he quickly looked down to find the old woman staring at him, hands on her hips. His first instinct was to call her a "wrinkly dried up hag" and tell her to go fuck off, but he stopped himself. Right now he was in the form of a local boy named Danny, and the farm boy was not the type to say such things.
"Yes, Mrs. Rockbell," he sighed and slithered down the tree, landing just in front of the grizzled automail mechanic, "I was just playing. I wasn't hurting 'nuthin."
"Bull," Pinako replied, "Now come on inside, boy."
Envy was vaguely surprised at this. Could she see through his disguise? No, that couldn't be it. He was an exact copy of the boy right down to mannerisms and behavior. He'd spent a whole day watching Danny a month ago. There were absolutely no flaws in his portrayal. She must just be planning on giving the boy a talking to. That was it.
He followed the elderly mechanic into the house, and watched as she shut the door and turned on him. Great, just what he wanted, a freaking lecture from some withered husk.
Pinako crossed her arms and raised an eyebrow. "So which of them are you?"
Envy's eyebrows shot up. So she did know! But maybe she didn't know everything. Best to just keep playing along. "I don't know what you mean, Mrs. Rockbell."
The woman uncrossed her arms and reached over to take her still smoldering pipe out of the ashtray. "Shove it, boy. I know you're one of those freak monsters chasing after the Elrics."
Envy's jig was definitely up. He dropped back into his normal cocky stance instead of Danny's timid one. "We prefer the term homunculi actually."
Pinako shrugged. "Whatever. You know you're not going to find the boys here right? They haven't come back in almost a year. And I don't know where they are now. If you're looking to get at them through my granddaughter, well, she doesn't live here anymore either."
Rolling his eyes, Envy said, "You think I want to be here in this shithole of a town? I'm only here as punishment."
The corners of Pinako's mouth quirked upward. "So this is the homoc-whatever equivalent of being sent to your room?"
The homunculus shrugged. "Yeah, I guess. Anyway, how did you know I wasn't Danny?"
Smirking, Pinako tapped her pipe against the ashtray. "Easy. Poor Danny got his arm caught in a wheat thresher two weeks ago. Now he's got some of my automail as a replacement."
Envy groaned and ran his hand through his hair. He knew he should have checked to see if Danny's appearance had changed in the past month, but no he'd gotten lazy and hadn't done it. "Maybe they should have just called me Sloth...." he muttered.
Watching his antics with amusement, the elder Rockbell took out a small sack of tobacco and carefully tipped some into her pipe. "So you're not Sloth then," she said when she had finished, "So which one are you?"
He glared at her. "Envy," he said. He finally allowed his form to shift back to normal, hoping that would scare the old woman. It didn't.
"Envy, huh..." Pinako said. She pointed the pipe at the boy's midsection. "Nice miniskirt there, Envy."
Oh no, not this again. Why did everyone seem to think he was a cross dresser in his normal form? "It is not a miniskirt!" he said through clenched teeth, "It's a kilt!"
Pinako chuckled around her pipe. "Call it what you will, it still looks silly."
Envy was having a hard time controlling his sudden surge of anger. But Father's words had been very clear. He could not harm anyone in this town, including Old Woman Rockbell. He dropped his shoulders and adopted what he hoped was an apathetic stance. "Whatever. Why did you call me in here anyway?"
Producing a lighter from her pocket, the mechanic lit her pipe and took a long pull on it. She exhaled through her nose, and the resulting smoke obscured her lips as she talked. "Well, it's been a slow few days, I'm bored. You seem bored too. Figured we could play some cards or something."
The shapechanger was thrown off guard. She wanted to play cards? With him? He could kill her and everyone in town in a few minutes and she wanted to play cards with him? She must be senile. That was it. Probably best just to humor her. "What like Gin Rummy?" he racked his brain for other "old fogey" card games, "Or Bridge?"
She gave him a wry grin. "Those games are a bit to slow for my tastes. I was thinking more along the lines of poker."
Poker, eh? Envy had played poker before. Greed had been rather fond of the game before he'd left Father. Not surprisingly the Ultimate Shield was also the Ultimate Card-shark, and won nearly every hand easily. Envy never did figure out just how the man did it.
Pinako considered. "How about this? We bet just chips and whomever has the most at the end can have the loser do something for them."
Envy sneered. "Woman, there's nothing you have that I want."
Mouth turning up in a smirk, Pinako stared at him levelly. "Oh no? How about naked baby pictures of Ed?"
The homunculi considered, and found himself pleased with the prospect of owning embarrassing photos of his enemy. "I think that might be acceptable," he said, his lips turning up in a wicked grin. "But what do you want if you win? Not that you'll win, of course."
"Hmph," the old mechanic answered, "Well, I'm not sure. I'll have to think about it."
Eyes narrowing, he said, "I warn you, I will not stop going after the Elrics or their friends."
"I wouldn't expect you too," Pinako said before going and rooting around in a drawer. She emerged with a beat-up set of playing cards and a box full of chips. She gestured toward the table, and placed the cards and chips on top. She waited for Envy to sit down in the chair facing her. "You want something to drink? We have beer, whiskey...."
He laughed at her offer. "If you're trying to get me drunk, old woman, it's not going to work. Alcohol doesn't affect my kind unless we choose to let it do so."
Pinako's eyes widened. "Is that a fact? Well then maybe you could handle some of my private stash." She went in a cupboard and came back with two lead-glass shot-glasses. She took a flask from her shirt and poured a small measure in both glasses.
Envy was too busy doling out the chips, otherwise he may have been alarmed at the smoke that came off the glasses. Absentmindedly he reached for the glass and took a sip....
Holy hell did that burn! It felt like someone shoved a red hot poker in his throat. It was like swallowing acid!
Not that he'd ever swallowed acid of course....
Well, okay maybe once he did....
On a dare from Lust.
But that didn't change the fact that the alcohol he'd just now consumed was blazing a fiery trail down to his stomach and setting fire to all the parts on the way. "Wha- what the hell is that?" he finally choked out.
Pinako smiled sweetly in between sips of her own glass. "It's scumble, lad. It's made from apples," she paused, "Well, mostly apples."
Envy retched, thankful for the regeneration ability that was quickly fixing the damage the scumble had caused. "Where in the world did you get it?"
The old mechanic pointed out toward the woods with her chin. "Out there. My friend Gytha and I keep a still in the woods. Though it does have a tendency to blow up occasionally so we have to keep moving it."
The homunculi stared at Pinako in disbelief. Maybe Father should look into recruiting her instead of Kimbly! He steadied himself. She only took him by surprise, that's all. No need to get upset, the situation was entirely in his hands.
"You going to deal the cards or are you going to be gazing into your navel all day, lad?" Pinako said, drawing Envy out of his reverie.
Envy growled angrily, as he grabbed the deck and dealt the cards. His anger waned as they played, eventually leading to a newfound respect for the old woman. They talked amiably, well Pinako did most of the talking and Envy occasionally interjected a comment or two. What they both avoided talking too deeply about where the Elrics and the other homunculi. Somehow the conversation came to center on the relatively safe topic of Mustang and soldiers' exploits.
"So, the colonel's supposed to be a playboy," Pinako said, tapping ashes out of her pipe, "But I've always wondered if that was just an act."
Envy frowned. The scumble had gotten much easier to drink as time passed and it was now making a pleasant haze in his brain. "What do you mean?"
Pinako rubbed her chin, considering. "Well, maybe he's overcompensating for something you know..." She raised her eyebrows pointedly, "For something down there."
"Hmmm...." Envy's form shimmered and turned into a naked Roy Mustang. He lifted the tablecloth and looked at his lap. "He's not bad. About average. The tall smoker's about two inches bigger."
Eyebrow quirked in amusement, Pinako smiled. "Oh? May I ask how you know their measurements, lad?"
The homunculi's eyes narrowed. "Stop that line of thought right now, woman. One of my colleagues, Lust, keeps track of these things for some reason. I know them only through her."
The old mechanic dumped more tobacco in her pipe and lit it. After exhaling she asked, "So who does have the biggest dick among Mustang's people?"
"Hawkeye," he answered.
Pinako's eyes widened. "Hawkeye? You mean she's a man?"
Envy shook his head. "No, no. You asked who had the biggest dick, technically she wins because of her 12-inch strap-on."
The old woman chuckled. "Does she now? And who does she use it on?"
The homunculi shrugged, and held out his glass for a second serving of scumble. It didn't really taste that bad once you got used to it. Kinda tasted like apple juice... Well, mostly like apple juice. "Mainly Mustang I guess. Though I think she's used it on the tall smoker too during their threesomes."
Raising an eyebrow in surprise, Pinako replied, "Threesomes? Maybe those military types don't have the sticks shoved as far up their asses as I thought."
"Mustang, for one, likes having stuff shoved up his ass, so in his case he keeps that stick in there by choice," Envy concluded after draining has third glass of scumble. He stared bleary-eyed at the woman in front of him. Had her chip pile always been that big?
Sitting back in her chair, Pinako thought for a moment, her face wreathed in pipe smoke. "What about that big bald guy? You know with the sparkles? How big is he?"
Envy shifted into the form of a naked Armstrong, filling the room with small pink flashes. He looked down at his lap. "I'd say about nine inches. I could get a more accurate account if you have a ruler."
Pinako chuckled. "No that's fine. You're pretty good at that imitation thing. You have the sparkles down pat."
The homunculus sniffed. Was it just him or was the room wavering a bit? "Of course. I am a professional after all."
Dealing out the cards for another hand, Pinako regarded the man before her. "I don't suppose you can do women too can you?"
"Of course, I can," Envy sneered. His form changing to Lieutenant Hawkeye and then to that of Winry.
The elder Rockbell put the deck on the table and picked up her own cards, seemingly unfazed by the form of her granddaughter before her. "That's good too. How do you do that anyway?"
Envy paused. How could he explain to this woman the arcane and tremendously complicated alchemical processes that went into the creation and operation of a homunculus? "It's magic," he finally said.
Pinako nodded in understanding. "Must be fun at parties."
"Don't attend many parties," he answered, "People don't tend to like my ideas for party games. You know, throat-slitting, torture, destruction of property, general mayhem.... That sort of thing."
"Ah," she answered sagely, "I can see how that would put a damper on the festivities." They sat in companionable silence for awhile, playing a few more hands. The homunculus didn't seem to notice or care that his chip pile kept getting smaller and smaller.
"Can you do differences in height too?" Pinako asked, looking at him over her cards, "Could you, for instance, take my form?"
Rolling his eyes, he easily shifted into a reflection of the woman before him. "Come on, woman," he said in Pinako's voice, "Can't you give me something hard?"
The old woman smiled, but chose to ignore the obvious innuendo. Too easy. "You know it seems you're out of chips. Looks like I won."
Envy looked at the bare stretch of table in front of him. Indeed, all the chips were in front of the mechanic. "Eh, fine," he shrugged. "I lose. What do you want from me?"
Pinako gave him a knowing smile. "Well, it's been quite awhile since I've had any, ah "bedroom activities" so to speak, and there's always been this fantasy I've had..."
The homunculus sighed. Of course. As soon as people learned of his shape-changing abilities their minds generally went in the direction of what freaky sex acts they could do with him. Though they generally learned to regret it because he used such things as open passes to mentally torture his partners. Turning into a pig, their mother, or a dead sibling in mid-coitus had such a deliciously evil effect on people. But he had to play it straight with this woman or risk punishment from Father. He sighed again. "She probably wants something mundane like fucking Mustang, or a movie star or something..." he thought.
The old woman continued. "You see, I've always wanted to see what it was like to have sex with myself."
"...or I could be wrong and she could want something really kinky," he muttered in surprise.
With wide eyes he watched her retrieve some pillows from the couch and put them on the floor. She pointed to them. "Lie face down on top of them."
Envy did so, the tile feeling cold against his stomach. He had no idea what the woman intended. He heard the rustling of cloth and a moment later the old woman's dress and undergarments fluttered down in front of him. He felt her small wrinkled hand caress the bun on top of his head.
"You know I've always loved my hair," she said stroking it, "But I've never gotten the chance to TRULY love it..." He felt her straddle his head and push down, a gravelly moan coming from in back of her throat. Envy's chin bounced up in down on the pillows as the old woman thrust herself down on his head.
This... was a new experience for the homunculus. Front door, back door, sixty-nine, he'd done them all. Threesomes, Foursomes, Fiftysomes? He'd done those too. But lying on the floor as a shriveled hag fucked his hair bun? All while he looked exactly like her? No, this was a completely new one to him.
Who knew this old woman would turn out to be the kinkiest pervert he ever met in all his centuries of life?
Well, at least he wasn't bored anymore.
Er, don't ask where this came from. Really, I don't think you want to know. Let's just say my mind is a dangerous and scary place. It's fun to visit, but you don't want to live there.
As with most of my freaky pairing fics this was a challenge for the fma-fuh-q community on LJ. Envy's fun to write, but hard to keep in character. Pinako's a bit easier, since she's a lot like Gytha "Nanny" Ogg from Discworld. Scumble and Gytha are cheerfully taken from the Discworld series by the way. As is the bit about it being made from apples.
Well mostly apples.
-Thanks to the creators, cast and crew of the FMA manga and anime.
-Thanks to my husband who refuses to read my fics after the last freaky one.
-Thanks to my semi-beta (any spelling / grammar is my fault not hers) snakecharmerfoxx.
-Thanks to those who leave feedback and / or review. I appreciate it.
-Thanks to the Fuh-q mods for giving me an extension.
And thanks to you for reading.
Anne Packrat (October 2, 2006)
Crossposted to FMA-Fuh-q, fm_alchemist, fmahet and my own journal. I apologize for any spamming of Friends lists that occurs because of this.
Thanks for reading.