Rating: R for adult themes, hints of suicide and overall wangst.
Genre: Angst, PWP? PoV fic
Paring: Ed/Envy (More Ed centric. Told from his standpoint)
Feedback: Please! I love crit. I am such a attention whore. Your comments are worth it to me!
Word count: 4004
Summery: Left alone to contemplate the notion of sudden abandoment, and immense pressure of growing axiety, what would you do when left with the emptiness of feeling betrayed and loneliness? How would you handle it? Or would you ultimatly fall through the door of eternal slumber?
Summary: Second attempted at a PoV fic I did a while back that parellel's a RL issue I went through earlier this year. Normally I don't write too much on the darker side of the muse, but, at the time, it was all I was conseqeuently able to pull forth. Nothing really inspired me to compose this other then the RL incident I went through. But much more recent works I've become entirely engrossed in by other renounded anthors have given me the notion to post another of my works, again.
-- Laid to the river
Midsummer, I waved
A "V" of black swans
On with hope to the grave
And though Red September
With skies fire-paved
I begged you appear
Like a thorn for the holy ones --
--Cradle of Filth (Lyrics incerpt)
Blanketed deep within the barriers of loneliness, the symbolic tradition of abound depression as it follows with its painful recognition, even the thought of it, the way I have become, it's a caustic reality.
Still I continue to wait. Shielded by the one thing I once used to think was my only pathway towards happiness, the one thing I thought would offer me the easiest forms of release, I only find it's now insouciance and cold. Such a dispassionate feeling -- I can tell that I will find no comfort or sanctuary within this shadowed existence now. Turned away, forgotten, left to wallow in regret and pity alone. I see it now. Such is how this darkness is treating me. Like so much has before.
Once again, there is no solace in the feelings so undauntedly wracking their injustice and havoc upon me. Shallow it seems. To be left to such a disarray of feelings. Having been given the one thing that seems to come as only one form of acknowledgement, and that I find is more disregarding then even positive. It seems that I've yet been able to find that one plane of existence I can call my own.
So much has transpired. So much has caused me turmoil and agony. The leading of that leash where grips of reality seem to blend with that fine line of fantasy, I've almost begun to lose sight in just what was truth, and lie. That pseudo comfort, that facade veiling me with its own alluring deception, why have I become so wound up in the temptations of ultimate promise? Given the reassurance that such a promise made to me would only become fulfilled to learn that I was given nothing more then a false perception to my own desires? Is this the outcome once again that I am to be left with?
I can't rationalize the reasoning anymore. I've continued to wait. I've put forth the necessary faith to remain as absolute and positive as I am able. And yet again, it just seems that all my determination, my progression and perseverance was all for naught. Or... Was it? I still question my ulterior motives. That if what I am doing is even right. That continuing to wait like this is even worth any rewards now as it seems that the one thing I seek really isn't going to happen. That everything I've even professed I'd do in silent asseveration is all for naught. That what I've committed myself to do, is only a waste of my valuable time.
Or time already wasted.
Sure. I know what I need. What would ultimatly seer away this empty void andbring me back to that one point in time where I only knew happiness. But why am I being continually dealt with the crushing blows of life'sown exodus? Left so tattered and broken to the point wheregathering the strength to push myself along is all but impossible. Is this my only optiononce again, or is there any hope for a better future?
More questions that I ask, retain no answers. I keep trying to move forth. Picking myself upand trudging along. Mustering every ounce of vehemence I can to push aside facts and continue to pray for what I've so longed in seeking. That one day, everything will finally change forthe better.
Or am I still hoping for an impossible reality?
The forest; I can hear my name whispered among its lush and verdant paradise. Even thoughthe sharp quails of algid wind scape mercilessly as they sweep through the vegetation and over my bared skin, I don't react discordantly to such a caress. To such a touch that may seem averse, raking its frigid tips over my very being. Somehow, I find that I enjoy the way the night reacts to my own despondent objectives. It's almost as if my masochistic ways are parting any reasoning I had to falter to the most morbid of gratifications one would implore. Almost as if I've completely lost any ability to pertinent to actuality. I've slowly lost any semblance of being.
Where is this path I am walking, leading me?
Those melodious, bidding words. Such hushing sweet nothings into my ear as I continue to run over the very thoughts that come as the most lucid of visuals within my mind. Such precious and cherished memories. Faltering back to my past. Back to when I had it all and everything was so grand. The clairvoyance... It's so realistic. So vibrant. Almost as if I was living the moment at the very present second I was in. Appearing that all around me was nothing but anightmare, a dream and I'd hopefully, awaken. Only to realize that whatI was envisioning what was to be foretold as prevarication.
Being led astray. Always led astray.
Somehow, it even fightens me with how bitter and caustic I've allowed myself to become. Not many can understand or fathom what has been driving me towards this dead end road. Maybe no one can. It's almost impossible to even begin to see exactly what has been causing me so much hurt and anguish after all this time. The depth of such a pain has been left untold. I've not found anyone but this soulless darkness to confide in. Not even my own family is aware of exactly how I feel. And how deep it runs.
Such a potency of emotions, the blistering of their presence as the chemicals rush through my own veins and leave me only with the remnants of perversion and dignity. The claws have embed so deeply into my flesh, into the very bowels of my soul, that the marks, the scars won't almost ever heal. I am beginning to wonder if any of this is even worth it. That I am hoping for a outcome that won't ever come.
Once I may have believed in such vivid promises. Once, I may've actually believed. But now, as I continue to be shackled by the binds of loneliness, I can't help but lose all fidelity and hope that I so struggled to attain.
Why is this path I am traveling, littered with rose thorns?
My own heart begins to slow its rhythmic beating. The draw of the moment, bringing forth that of only that of the most destructive outcomes. A hollow of a once energetic and vigilant man now bordering on that of insanity. Even now, to control the intransigent waves as they crash like a torrential storm against my will, its becoming past the point of feasible. Once again, I am slowly breaking, and I can't stop it.
Rigid finger tips shakenly arise, the suffering plain upon each movement as they come torest upon the proffered scar running in its perpetual circle along my chest, tracing the lines that curve around the muscles they were engraved upon, I go back to the time when this mark was given to me.The very pain I felt when each needle drive was sent into the tissue to invoke its creation, and in that, earning me a symbolic meaning that permanently attached me to one special being. The serpent swallowing its own tail, the shape of wings resting in grandeur just above its back and the star proclaiming its finalization to eternity; its this very mark that brings back a deep sense of agony and regret. It's very existence etched within my own being reminding me that once again I am sitting here without him.
I can't explain why. There is just no logic as to why I've been left again and alone to deal with the questions to another separation. I figured after he returned the last time, that everything would mend itself and I could finally rest easy. That all the trepidation was finally over -- guess I was entirely wrong.
So many times I ask myself, 'why'? Again what have I done wrong? Isn't there any answer to these plaguing questions? Or am I going to be left with no answers once again?
Is there a reason behind this eccentric collision of bad luck and events?
Will I ever know?
It seems everything is beginning to fading to black. Just the notion alone. Each new series of afflictions reveres another succession of wounds gaping within my own heart. I cannot even begin to express just how the level of pain has cost me, or just how terrifying and horrific it's been for me. Like a winter rose left in the rain, I am slowly wilting, mypetals are curling from the lack of substantial diffusion needed by his lack of presence. Just him not being around to offer the simplest of empathy, to wrap his arms around me and give me the comfort and protection I need. Just knowing that alone is another wave of blows showing just how broken I've become.
The fissure that's opened up within my own soul, it's gotten merciless and unforgiving. I seek the release of the pain and pressure admiss the sky that before, held a wondrous beauty all its own. Colors dance, swirling kaleidoscope of hues comingin to a merging of fantasm that seems so surreal, so vibrant and alluring. Just the twining of the difference sto create and derive other hues all its own. I can marvel at the ability. Able to come together, despite the differences. So commendable. Even in awe I watch. Still, it's a wonder such the same hasn't become tangible for myself.
Even those words that were spoken to me in such a adamant pledge, hearing him tell me thethings I thought sealed our binding forever, I still can't forget how betrayed I feel. That him telling me; 'I will never leave you Edward. I promise you this.' Just those strings of words alone, I believed I was finally at my plane of peace. For once, all the past and all the tribulation was abolished. Washed away. Serenity had once returned to me, and like a hammer to a nail, it was all taken again in the blink of an eye.
The shards are scattered around my feet. The pieces of my life, my existence, the reflection, the echo of a once perfection frozen in time and left to perish with the hands of time, this is how I've become. How I've been left. The definition of exactly what I am feeling at this very point is incomprehensible.
Sinuous metal clasped around my own neck, another object to symbolize our everlasting bound, even it offers no relief. The surface is cold, unforgiving,the chain running off to disappear along the flooring around my ow nhampered body. I can't even sense his own emotions or whereabouts from the mystic connection. Despite that he holds the other end. The bracelet that locks our spirits together. It seems dead, just like my heart as it beats slower and slower to a lugubrious tune. The sorrow is welling over my mind, and I know if I continue like this for much longer, I am heading on for a drastic collision that will ruin the very barriers I placed to ward off this encroaching madness.
Gently I grasp that elongated chain, almost with scrutiny I look it over, the length snaking along the sodden earth and vanishing into the night, just like he did, just like his declaration and love. And I sit insilent bewilderment, constantly mulling over the very reasons that drove him away. Searching for the answers that would finally give methe closure and a peace of mind, ending my own misery and grievance. It's this very need that would give an end to this vicious circle andallow me to end the eternal damnation that has beget me. The final part to the puzzle that would complete my own traumatic downspiral and extinguish purulent demons that have left me brooding for only a pliant release. That's what I've grasped to faith for. Yet, even that seems to be fading away into nothingness.
A hiss surpasses my lips and Ican feel the torpid apex of my anger arising. It makes no sense. There is absolutely no believability as to why I'd be so casually abandoned. So simply tossed aside. Forgotten. Rejected. Even the dull ache in my own false limbs; the automail has its own inert weight. The sensory nodes along the flesh gives no response. Numb it seems. Just like my entire body. The blood, even as I know I am paling, drains slowly from my features. The rush causing its own light-headedness, I know that the stress has become unbearable again. The tenor of my ownwailing sobs; even my strength alibis me and I lose even control of my own functionality. Just the image of him crossing my own vision; it paves no way to simplicity. Only its own misery and now boding apprehension.
Something inside my own frame of mind tells me that this time, he isn't coming back.
A hopeless dreamer biding for the impossible. A fictitious dream meant to only cloud judgment.
But why? What have I done so appalling, so disgusting to push him away? What have I done so
wrong in this world to be condemned to this unrelenting hell as I have been? What evils and atrocities have I committed to that warrants the mistreatment I've received? I thought I was nothing but good. The one thing so desired by the very one that I called my soulmate.That I broke down for and let down my defenses and guard for. The very Sin that I opened my own heart up for and called my own. Even though a creature bore of natures wrath, despite our two different origins - him a homunculus, I forgave him for the wicked things he's done by others. All the sadism and hate. The animosity and plight. I pushed all these aside and accepted him. Just as he did for me. And in the end, we became inseparable. Bound. Tied to one another in a continuity of affection and passion. Love and devotion. Chastity and bliss.
I thought I had it all. My life had come full circle and everything I could have ever hoped or, I found in him. In the Sin of Envy. Even I, the Fullmetal Alchemist, believed that despite the war which had internally tore me apart, he gave me that semblance of peace and amnesty I so longed and desired for. After having been put through the turmoil and chaos, all the impurity and enmity, I thought I had finally grasped it all. That Envy himself was the ending to all this dolor I thought I'd never be rid of. That he was the one to finally abolish the demons of my most despised past.
And yet, I am still left simpering upon the floor in my own self-pity and harrow.
A pathway to the end isn't forthcoming, and doesn't appear it ever will.
Bleakness.The one word to describe the way I feel now. And the very reason I've become so miserable and depressed. Nothing can manage to break the chain if I don't have him there to pull me from this suffocating state. Even as I try to scream, to release all the pent up conniption I've bottled up after so long. The constancy of the pressure, I can't eve nbegin to muster the energy. Silent mourning as wordless sobs become the only sounds captured inside this loneliness circumscribing me, the weight of realization ensues my own judgment. Compelling me to question why I should even continue? Why even bother? That I should just give upon ever receiving what I've so prayed would finally answer my beckonand return to me. That all I am doing is simply burning my fuel for something never to even become possible.
Being alone. It scares me. Petrifies me. Seers me to the very core. Just the notion; it is something I know I can't bear. And yet, I am drowning in my own anguish from the separation alone. I don't know how to contend. I can't deal. This destructive state is having everlasting repercussions. And with such anoutcome, the aftermath itself leaves the most bitter of tastes uponones own tongue.
As much as I want to touch him once again. As deeply as I wish for Envy to once again, be at my side. To feel his body next to mine. Have his lips capture my own during the most sensual and intimate of moments. To run my own fingers through those long silken and effeminat tresses, to find my own sanctuary and protection as those beautiful amethysts watch over me and pull me into the allure, even to feel his breath dust over my own rippling flesh, such seems but a dulland distant memory now. Reality having its own sadistic and cruel twistand the swirling waters pulling me under to envelope me within its own hazed blackness. Such is the end result of his absence. I can barely breathe. Even as I try to disallow the past to dig its clutches deeper into me, I can't help but falter, and with it, my own will and virility.
Even myself I know I can't continue on in this struggle, forever.
I wish you was here. I wish you could see me now. Even as I break and lapse into my own throes of heartache. The catastrophe your mysterious disappearance has left upon me. All this and more I wish you could witness. Just for you to know how hurt I've become would award me withsome sense of repose. To grant me the exculpation I so deserve.
I can't help but even wonder if you even think of me, Envy? Do I crossyour mind? The thought of our children? Does that even take into account? Does their vitality even matter to you? Even as much as my own?
As much as I love you. As much as I want you back. I can't wait forever. I won't sit idly for the rest of my life and wait for you in hopes you will return. As hard as I am trying, the drive that continues to push me onward, I need you. Now more then ever. Without you to support me, your strength and determination, I won't make it. The longer I am forced to wait for something that may never come, I will only falterfurther and futher into disillusion. My own walls are slowly crumbling, and without you to mend them and bring me from this ungodly state, I will only surely die. It's at my own weakest point now where your own strength is surely needed. To have your strong hand pull me from these swirling waters and return air to my lungs -- I don't want to drown without you. I don't want to travel this desolate road alone. But will you ever return? Do I matter enough for that to even be considered?
There are people who miss you. As much as I. Even our kids ask 'when is mommy coming home'? And I have no answers to give them. I can see the sorrow in their eyes, and I try to comfort them. As badly as I need you, so do they. We need you in our lives. I need my dear husband, they need their mother. It is you that has become the greatest of importance. And this is why I amstruggling to wait. Despite I said I'd wait indefinitely, the absence of you in our lives is already amounting to that of an eternity.
I don't want to become hateful and bitter. Cold and dispassionate. All I want is you .For you've become the one thing that has uplifted me and opened up adoor to a whole new world. For you, Envy, has showed me that the world itself is not so miniscule and dark as its perception seems. That even as ugly as it becomes, there is still its own beauty. The proof is in our own binding. We abolished our differences and became one. Forgot about our own discontent and abhorrence and found a love all our own. A world we built just for us, and dwelled upon it. Those are the very memories I still hold dear and cherish, the very same that gives mesome spark of hope that you will return to me and that everything I am feeling is only a brash rise in emotions. That I am fervent due to this void, this deprivation of you in my life. That all the worry and repentance is the breeding ground for my current demeanor. I just hope it all ends soon.
My wings furl to my bared spine. The brisk caress of the night rakes through my own flaxen tresses and for once, I can suddenly feel you within the squalls of the wind. The touch is so soft. So - So inviting. Almost as if your hand was actually gingerly ghosting my own cheek. Like velvet, your digits to my skin, my head leans into it. Yet, even as real as it seems, the feel is but like a message delivered in ghostly reprove. A silent reassurance that maybe I am only deceiving myself. That I've been denying myself beatitude for what I've concluded was only false repose. That I myself, has been leading my own mind astray.
Those tears, the cascade of rivulets down those cheeks, the touch fading away, leaving me with that faded memory, yet a hushed response to my own lowered ears, I continue to await for the day you return. Despite I loathe thinking it will be almost never that you do. Something holds me back, and I am tied to its calling. The dismal aches within my own automail leg and arm; I barely realize it now as I focus solely upon you. And the determination that may become newfound and ablaze. Such a drive escalating and forcing me onward. Despite the trail may be littered with rose thorns, the cuts being left behind in the wake, I can't stop the phantom energy surging within my very own being. Maybe you're silently calling to me, and that is the other reason for my undaunted determination.
Even if this is so, I can't give up just yet.
Hopefully I never do.
But even emotions and the makeup of the mind is fickle. The thirst for eternal release isn't there as it once was, the craving for your recompense, is. And the notion of that, despite our distance, the connection we still share from this collar and bracelet, I can only pray you too, sense it. And in that, it drives you home.
My eyes gaze down at the golden ring that encircles my left finger and I remember the day you placed such a prized and venerate treasure upon it. The vows we made. The voiceless promises we made. Until death do us part. Don't forget those spoken words we made to one another. The commitment we bequeathed ourselves to. Even those very you uttered the last nightwe were together. The profession that you'd always be there, that'd you'd never leave me, that we'd always be one. I don't want to lose that. I don't want to be forgotten. You at my side is all I've ever needed -- nay -- You is all I ever desired and needed.
Even as I wait, even as I slowly, weakly press on, I can only wait for you to come back to my arms and tell me that my anguish is finally over. That never again, I'd be put through such a devastating separation. Even as I try and not cry, my eyes now drying, I can only hope.
Until then, I will struggle through. For you, I will do anything.
Oh, Envy, how I miss you. I just hope that you come back to me again, and that I will never have to be truly alone.
(Cross posted elsewhere as well)