tonuts4words (tonuts4words) wrote in fm_alchemist,
tonuts4words
tonuts4words
fm_alchemist

Fma- crackyness

Title: The fake assignment
Author: Me
Pairing: None
Rating: PG-13 for language
Warnings: Complete lack of plot and logic, and a sad attempt at crack. I'm a sucky writer.
Other stuff: Nothing, really...
Beta: My older brother, who is lJ-less


The Fullmetal Alchemist stalked angrily into Mustang-Taisa's office.

"What the hell, you flaming bastard," he groweled, "is this assignment?
'Reasearching condensation of Red Water?' And Growth retardation caused by not drinking enough milk?” Roy chuckled.

"Fullmidget, Fullmidget, Fullmidget..." He shook his head with a smile, slowly and coyly. This is going to be amusing. "It means, "Ha-ha, Fucking midget.""

"WHO ARE YOU CALLING SO SMALL YOU CAN PLUCK HIM UP WITH TWEEZERS AND PUT HIM IN A VERY SMALL JAR?" Ed exploded, spewing saliva and steam.

"You."

"Look who's talking, Gigalo!"

"Thank you for the compliment."

"Jilter! Manwhore!"

"Ooo, that stings, Fullmidget." He said it cool and calm as always, he never got hot headed like Ed (..except when it came to Hughes' favorite subject, getting Roy a wife...),but ignorant Ed just smirked in a way that reflected Roy.

"How are your scabies, Almighty Taisa of the Flame? Want me to pick up your ointment?" Hawkeye looked up from her (er, Roy's) paperwork. A
red blush ebbed at Roy's neck and ears.

"Hey, Ed, the seafood store called, they're running out of shrimp!" Havoc,Fuery, Breda and Falman "ooooh" 'd.

"At least I don't need a... a... girl to do everything for me!"

"Oh puh-lease! You couldn't do anything without Winry and Aunty Pinako!"

"They're family! Ha!Take that, city slicker." Edward hissed.

"Red neck, Mama's boy!" At that, Edward drew back and snarled.

"You have bad hair"

Everyone gasped. Ed stood, gloating and smirking.

"You've crossed the line, boy." Roy gritted through his teeth. He whipped
around, facing the peanut gallery.

"How many shrimpy, stupid, blond alchemists does it take to attempt a human transmutation?"

"How many?” chanted the peanuts.

"Just one!" Their boss cried, guffawing slightly. Ed considered boiling, then rethought it. Another blond was in the room...

"So a blonde, a brunette, and a redhead are on a desert island, and they try to swim back to shore, right? The brunette swims a quarter of the way, cries, "I can't make it!" And drowns. The brunette makes it a third of the way, cries, "I can't make it!" and drowns.
The blonde makes it half way, cries "I can't make it!" and swims all the way back to the island. Stupid blondes,” he chortled happily. The peanut gallery was doubled over, all of them, laughing. Hawkeye, however, was not amused. She marched over, slapped the Taisa, and kneed him in the "little colonel". Ed smirked. He knew it would happen, oh, he knew.


"If you were a man, I would hit you." Roy snapped, as he stood on one foot and tenderly gripping his crotch.

"You sick bastard!"

"Midget!"

"Oh, Boss, is your nose cold? You might want to put it back in King Bradley's ASS. Oh, wait, I forgot... dogs are SUPPOSED to have cold, wet noses! " (No one bothered to point out Ed was a dog of the military, too.)

"God complex!"

"Look who's talking!" Edward sneered.

"Oh, Nice one- Oedipus!"

"Why, I ought ‘a..." growled the blond.

And they were JUST about to go out it when Hughes burst in. "Guys, Guys! It's MILK- AND- COOKIE DAY in the mess hall!"

"Hughes, aren't you supposed to be in Central?" Asked Havoc in his usual, dry manner.

"I never miss milk-and-cookie day."

"C'mon, guys, let's go!" called Fuery, excited that he had his very own lines, for once. Havoc chased after, Falman stiffly fallowing, and chubby Breda bringing up the rear, leaving two, stunned drama- er -queens, shocked their scene was forgotten.

"I didn't know there was a milk and cookie day..." Roy wimpered.

"Last one there a poor looser, Colonel Bastard?" Asked Edward coolly (Fooly Cooly, that is) and in a blink of an eye, his trademark red jacket was slipping out the door.

Roy burst out the door and "whispered" a little loudly "to himself", "Damn, the little 'uns are FAST!"
"I HEARD THAT!" the prodigy snapped.

• • • • • • • • • • •

Riza closed her portfolio and sighed, then walked down the hall after them; 'Twas just another day in First Lieutenant Elizabeth Hawkeye's world.
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