Yumiko: The Yaoi Hunter (yumikoyoshihana) wrote in fm_alchemist,
Yumiko: The Yaoi Hunter

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Meta!Crack Ch. 2

TITLE: Meta!Crack: An FMA Fangirl's Dream
Author: yumikoyoshana
PAIRING: None (as of now)
WARNINGS: Total and complete meta crack. Like, I'm not even trying for cannon here, folks. Random musing from a dangerous mind.
BETA: So unbeta'd it hurts..... don't blame me, blame the fact that I don't have a beta....
SUMMARY: Blackmail is a wonderful thing
A/N: This chapter is dedicated to my friends Crystal and Kamali. without them, this chapter would never have been finnished so soon. So if you like it, thank them. If you don't..... kill them.


The girl was sitting in a corner, staring at the screen of that infernal laptop of hers. Ed sighed exsaspiratedly. What the chell did she sdo on that thing? She'd stare at it for hours, and whenever Ed tryed toe look at it she'd slam it closed and smack him upside the headf.

He rubbed the back of his head and winced. Dammit! She was easier to provoke than Winry! And twice as phsycotic!!

He glanced at her, then started.

"Umm, you know you nose is bleeding... right?"

"Fuck!" She exclaiamed, slamming the laptop closed and pulling a atissue out of her bag.

"Dammit!" she muttered. "This didn't happen when I was 3D" She tipped her head back.

Ed furrowed is brows. He only saw a nosebleed like that for two reasons. The first one dwas when someone got punched in the nose. The second was when that Colonel Bastard was going on about his damnable mini-- wait....

"What the hell were you looking at!?" Ed yelled

"Umm....." she looked uncertain. "None of your goddamn business you nosy little shrimp!"


She crossed her arms and looked at him, eyebrows raised.

"You know, you look kind of sexy when you yell like that."

Ed blushed. Bdright. Red. He looked at her, mouth agap, mouthing like a fish out of water.

"HAH! I TOLD Roy I could dshut you up!" She took a videocamera from the shelf and shoed it to him pointedly befor shutting it off.

Ed lunged at her. She giggled and ran away.

"Can't Catch me!"

The Next Day:

"Hey! Girl! Get your ass over here!"

The girl looked at him with an amused expression.

"Yes aEd?" She said sweetly.

"Don't you 'yes Ed' me! Why the hell did you give that tape to that bastard!"

"Why edward, whatever do you mean?" She said smoothly, sliding her laptop into her bag. She didn't think you would actualy DO it. But he did, and that gave her ideas. Naughty ideas.

"You know full well what I mean you-- why are you smiling like that?" Ed went from supremely pissed to scared shitless in 1.5 seconds.

She ignored his question.

"So tell me, what exactly did he say and when.

Ed went bright red and muttered something incoherently.

She walked up to him and started fiddling with his coat.

"Wha- what the hell are you doing?" He sputtered.

"Dude, chill. I put a wire on your coat."

"WHAT? Why? Where the hell did you get a wire?"

"Where do you think I got it? Head of investigations, Maes Hughes. Ah! there it is! I put it on on the off chance he would actualy USE that method to shut you up.


She smirked. "Blackmail"

"...What kind of blackmail?"

She smirked wider. "The office striptease kind."

See Ed.

See Ed Blush.

Blush, Ed, Blush.

See Ed Laugh.

Laugh, Ed Laugh.

"That.." he gasped after a moment. "Is genious. You are an evil genious."

She sparkled. "Aw!! Thats so sweet!" She was suddenly surrounded buy a few freakily familiar hearts. Ed took a cautious step back.

"Anyway, to the phonebook!"

"Why to the phonebook?"

Evil grin. "One word: strip-o-gram"

The air was once again, full of Ed's laughter.

Later that Evening

Edward and the girdls walked out of the dorms. Everything about eds posture was cautious. His eyes flitted from side to sideand his movements were quick, silent, ready to take out the first person who came around the corner and threatened to expose them.

The girl snuck up behing him, grinning evily, and whistled loudly in his ear.

Ed jumped a foot in the air.

"What. The. Hell. Was. THAT!?" He yelled. The girll grinned and held up a finger.

"Waiat for it..."

Barraling around the corner came Roy-chan (the horse, not the blackmailee) He slid smoothly to a stop in front of the girl and wickered lightly.

"What? Where? How? Why?"

She smirked at ed's stuttering. "I'm going in style. Meet you there!" Then she promptly swung up on Roy-chan's back and galloped off.

Half an hour later, Ed dragged himself in, panting heavily, muttering something about phsycopathic girls with horses.

"Hey Ed, what took you so long?" She said cheerfuly.

Ed glared and was a bout to open his mouth to yell at her when she interrupted.

"Okay, so here's what I'm thingking." She said as she grabbed ed and dragged him into the walk-in supply closet. "Behind the wall is a storage room, and just outside the window is a fire escape. Now, if you could alchemize a hidden door--"

"Waaay ahead of you," Ed said, promptly clapping his hands together and making a door.

"Good, now here's the plan..."

The Next Day

Ed sauntered in at lunchtime, three hourse after he was ordered to be there. In those three hours, Colonel Mustang got extremely pissed, and it was a releif for all of his subordinats when lunchtime came. Only hawkeye stayed to make sure her commanding officer did his paperwork. Whe glanced at ed's face when he walked in, took one look at his mischevious grin, and promptly walks (FAST!) out of the room.

Ed walked in the office, smirk firmly in place.

Roy's own smirk faltered when ed walked in the room. He would have been sure Ed's embarrasment from the day befor had lead him to be so late.

"Well ed, I see you've finnaly--" The short joke didn't even have time to leave his lips befor there was a light tape on the door.

Ed smirked even wider, walked to the door, and looked out the window. When he turned back to Roy, he looked positively evil.

"Well, colonel, while I'm flattered you have shared your true preferences with me, I'm afraid I don't role that way. However, I have something you might like.

"Roy's eyebrows went up. "And whatever would that be, Fullmetal?

Ed's only responcse was a would-be-innocent look as he opened the door and locked it behind the man who walked in.

The man was short, with soft, slightly femminine features. He had long blond hair, a tight-fitting military uniform (Ed's handywork) and...

A miniskirt.

Roy's eyes bugged out of his head. he choked, coughed, and sputtered. He wheezed and pushed his chair back from the desk in shock.

A little too hard.

The chair toppled to the ground, taking Roy with it. Wich, of course, was when the girl mad her grand entrance.

"Hihi Roy-sama! Do you like the gift we got you? He's not ed, but he's just as sexy! I mean, look at him!" She winked.

"Wha- What the hell is this?!" Roy managed to spit out, squeeking like a mouse when he saw the video camera in the girl's hand.

"Relaz, Colonel, Enjoy," Ed didn't even try to keep the amusment out of his voice.

The cackeld evily as the show began.

Roy screamed.

Back at the dorms, the girl was busy popping poopcorn. Ed and Al were in the living room. Every so often, Ed would erupt in a fit of giggles and al would sigh exasperatedly in response. Roy-chan was boarded in the military stables. Ed had no idea how she had managed that.

"Okay you guys, Popcorns ready!" She called cheerfully.

"Hurry up and get started!"

"No need to be so impatiant brother. You've already seen it."

"Not this version," said the girl, the mirth in her voice hinted with malice. "I edited it"

"With what...?' Ed asked, not knowing wether to be amused or frightened.

"Remember the wire I had on your coat?"

Ed burst out laughing

"I GOT to see this."

The Girl grinned and put the tap in. Roy's office from the point of view of the supply closet appeared on screen.

"You know Fullmetal, you look sexy like that"

Ed was trying to choke down his laughter and failed miserably.

"--I have somehting you might like."

"And what would that be, fullmetal?"

Ed snorted as the stripper walked in.

"Well fullmetal, I am impressed. It seems you ARE useful for something."

Edward howld with laughter, and even Al giggled a little.

The girl munched on popcorn, grinning to herself. This was the best day of her life.


^_^;; finnished it today. My day was crappy, so this lightened the mood. My friends all like it, but lets see if anyone else think this is anything besides complete crap ^_^

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