Kale (jadedsilk) wrote in fm_alchemist,

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[Title] Smashed
[Author] Mara D.
[Series] Fullmetal Alchemist
[Pairing] RoyxEdxJean (YAOI)
[Rating] R (sexual content, if you’re sensitive, pretend I marked it NC17)
[Beta] Dropped dead of a heart attack before third paragraph
[Spoilers?] SURE!
[Chatter] Okay, this if for sevenvirtues. She wanted her OT3, and so she got it, thought I had to get everyone drunk to accomplish it. This is really more humor than anything else, so don’t expect any real sobriety (Hur. Hur.) Probably some OOC, but goddamn I cracked up writing this. This is /not/ meant to be taken terribly seriously. Enjoy!


Edward Elric was absolutely smashed.

But then again, Jean Havoc and Roy Mustang weren’t much better. Roy was drooping on the bar, his head resting on his hand, and Jean was giggling drunkenly to himself while sitting slumped on his barstool.

“Probably should go.” Roy said as Ed started kicking a foot absently against the bar wall and Roy threw down more than enough money to cover their tab.

“Probably Chief…s’not good to let the little guy drink anymore, y’know?”

Edward levitated briefly, coming completely off the floor and to his feet.

“Who’ya callin’ little?! Ed slurred, reeking of beer.

Havoc, the steadiest of the lot took advantage of the situation, and staggering to his feet tossed Ed over his shoulder. “Not you Boss.” He said with another slight giggle.

Ed didn’t even protest, just muttered something that sounded like “’kay” Before passing halfway out where he was.

“Jean?” Roy asked as he got down off of his stool and found himself leaning against his lieutenant. “S’better thanks.” Roy said softly.

“Uh, d’mention it Chief…the little boss is passed right out?”

“’Mnot little.” Ed muttered rebelliously while dangling down the back of Havoc’s shirt.

“Yes.” Roy said blearily. “Guess I shouldn’t have encouraged that drinking contest between ‘im and that stripper.” Roy grunted, reaching out for Havoc’s shoulder unsteadily.

Jean Havoc started walking, lending Roy his shoulder. The closest place was Roy’s apartment, and Jean had a feeling as he lit a cigarette, that that was just about as far as they were going to make it.

When Ed puked down the seat of his pants, he knew it /really/ was as far as they were going to get.


Ed seemed to have mysteriously revived by the time they got to Roy’s apartment, and appeared to have reached the ‘I have puked and therefore now believe I can drink more!’ stage.

That and the fact that the little alchemist kept taking his clothes off and then mysteriously reapplying them in bizarre ways. Or sometimes not reapplying them at all. And that made both Jean and Roy distinctly uncomfortable.

Because Ed was beautiful, and no matter how one or the other flirted with the Fullmetal, neither of them seemed to be able to win the war. Ed was currently sitting completely naked on Roy’s sofa, trying to reach the brandy bottle on the coffee table.

He was also halfway hard and rubbing his stomach in a suggestive manner.

Roy, to his credit, did not cry.

Havoc whimpered. It didn’t help that Havoc was in a pair of Roy’s boxers while his clothing soaked in the sink, trying to remove the beer vomit stains.

“Fullmetal?!” Roy asked as he was sipping a cup of coffee. “Are you certain you want to be doing that on my couch?”

The cool night air had seemed to do the trick of moderately sobering Jean and Roy, but not Ed apparently.

“I like your couch, bastard.” Ed slurred as he finally closed his fist around his need and began to rub both his hand and the tip of his dick against Roy’s couch.

“Oh sweet Goddess of Ishabal.” Roy groaned, clasping on to Jean’s shoulder as his own hard on reached excruciating rigidity and blood supply drastically went south.

Jean Havoc couldn’t deny that he now had a huge boner in a pair of Roy Mustang’s boxers.

“Sorry.” Jean apologized, though he wasn’t sure what for. He just couldn't stop staring stupidly.

Then, when the situation couldn’t have gotten any more awkward, Ed moaned Roy’s name softly.

Roy /flinched/.

“Fullmetal, I must request that you cease to…ah…do /that/ on my couch where I can…s…see you do it…”

“What’s the matter bastard…I thought you liked women?!” Ed growled as he kept /stroking/

He was dampening down the fabric of the couch, turning the cream colored fabric darker where he brushed.

Jean clutched his need through the fabric of his borrowed boxers in a trembling palm, his hand finding a way around Roy’s bicep where he squeezed the blood out as his muscles developed some sort of strange rigor.

“Roy.” Jean whined, his tone telling the other man his own libido could only take so much more.

Roy only made a tiny growl in reply.

“Fullmetal! That is just about enough of that!” Roy declared, breaking free of Jean’s grasp and storming over to the couch, arresting Ed’s hand mid-motion.

Ed raised glassy and hungry golden eyes to Roy’s stern gaze. He then proceeded to rub his cheek against Roy’s groin like a friendly housecat, all the while opening Roy’s hand where it was clasped over his, and replacing it over his need.

Roy shuddered.

Jean could see the muscles in his commanding officer’s upper body clench in shock and desperation.

Jean made his way over to the couch, stepping up behind Roy, his heart in his throat even as he found himself rocking up against Roy’s hip. He didn’t care who touched him, but somebody damn well better because this wasn’t even /fair/.

“Edward. You are drunk.”

“Nuhuh. I know what I want, and I want you…both!” He said cheerfully before he hiccupped.

“Edward…you can’t just expect that…” Ed forced Roy’s hand to move against his need, humming in pleasure. “…Where is the lube?” Roy asked no one in particular.

“Bedroom? Jean hazarded a guess.


The next morning Edward stirred, and then paused. The sun was much too bright through the bedroom window…and he wasn’t in the dorms. The room reeked of alcohol and Havoc was curled protectively up along Ed’s naked back, whuffling in his sleep. Ed had his hand curled along Roy’s shoulder, and his face buried in that silky black.

He was not in the dorms, and he felt absolutely terrible, and that included his ass. And he was sleeping between...no way.

He lifted the corner of the sheet all three of them were sharing out of morbid curiosity, and then he winced.

When his brain finally engaged, the scream of despair could be heard all the way around the block.

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