haylerzz (haylerzz) wrote in fm_alchemist,

crack fic "Full Metal Springer"

I appoligise in advance for this...
It had to be done.
It REALLY had to be done.

Title: Full Metal Springer: Heart Wrenching Family Reunions
Characters/ pairings: one very spoilerific love triangle and their offspring, plus many other cameos
Genre: crack, pure and simple
Summary: The FMA cast dishes it out and dukes it out on trashy daytime television.
Warnings: Massive end of series spoilers, if you catch my drift… Also lots of *bleep*ing, no not swearing *bleep*ing.

The scariest thing about this fic? Every pairing and situation is cannon! No need to make this stuff up, folks. This series is messed up enough!

For a random, “Wouldn’t it be really stupid if…?” idea, this ended up being rather long… (2,396 words)

note: For some unknown reason, every time I post this all my indents go away. So just pretend all the dialog and the first line of every paragraph is indented. I'm not that bad at grammer, I swear! (computers just tend to hate me, that's all!)

On with the brain breakage!

Jerry Springer walked confidently onto his stage to the typical chants of, “Jerry! Jerry! Jerry!”

“Now, today on our show we have Dante” he announced gesturing towards the single figure seated on stage. The young (looking) woman was rather primly dressed to be appearing on the Jerry Springer show where clothes were, in fact, quite optional. “Now it says here…” he said flipping through his stack of cue cards, “that your lover left you for another woman.” The entire audience let out an audible gasp- in perfect unison.

“He just ran off,” she said, pulling out an embroidered handkerchief. “…not even a goodbye.” The audience groaned in sympathy.

“Now, how long ago was this, Dante?”

“Three- hundred fifty one years ago…after the death of our son” She held up her handkerchief in mock sorrow. The audience was deeply moved.

“Three-hundred fifty….? Uh, so your only child is deceased?” Jerry proceeded, choosing to simply ignore the first portion of the answer.

“No,” the woman answered in a matter-of-fact tone. “And he is very… anxious…to see his father again”

“Let’s bring out…” Jerry double checked his cue card. “…Envy?” A rather scantily clad effeminate figure walked onto the stage. The audience went wild. Their standing ovation was met by a double one figured salute.

“Where is he?” the new guest demanded, scanning the audience for any possible sign of his target. “Where is the *bleep* *bleep*?! You said he’d be here!”

Jerry, simply asked the new arrival to take a seat. Outbursts and profanity were nothing new to him (neither were cross-dressers). “So you are Hohenheim’s daughter, uh son?” the host asked causally. Envy lunged at him and picked him up by his shirt collar.

“That *bleeeeeep* is not my father!!”

“We’ll get this all straightened out,” Jerry said, between gasps for air. “Would you take a seat by your mother please?” Envy followed Jerry’s gaze to Dante.

“She’s not my mother!” Envy declared, continuing to choke the baffled host as the helpless bouncers stood by. Dante simply shot Envy a disapproving look and, reluctantly, he dropped Jerry to the ground. She patted the empty seat beside her until he sulked across the stage and slumped angrily into the chair.

One of the bouncers ran to help Jerry up. “We will be back with more surprising guests…” he said, breathing heavily “after the break.”

A phone number appeared across the screen as Jerry recovered. “Is your superior officer always stealing your girlfriends?” a random announcer questioned. “Call us now and you could be on the show!”

The camera went back to Jerry and the audience went wild. “If you’re just joining us today, we have Dante and her son Envy. Dante claims that her lover left her and their son after the death of their son three hundred some years ago… or something like that.” The host wiped the sweat from his brow. This was getting a little weird, even by his standards. “We also have joining us today two other boys who claim to have been fathered by the same man”. As if on cue, the audience gasped again. “Come on out Edward and Alphonse.”

A young blond boy entered followed by a rather large, rather dangerous looking suit of armor. Jerry sighed. He had found out working in this business that sometimes its better not to ask. The audience went wild. The armor waved shyly at the large crowd.

“Where is he?” the blond boy demanded, approaching Jerry. “You said he’d be here!” Jerry backed away into the audience. He wasn’t looking forward to a repeat of that last incident… The suit of armor, his brother apparently, moved between the boy and the hapless host.

“Brother, calm down!” he whispered anxiously. “We’re on television!” The two moved to their seats on the far end of the stage. Jerry was relieved.

“So, this Hohenheim is your father as well?”

“Not much of one” Ed scoffed. “He ran off when we were just young, never even came to the funeral when our mother…” He suddenly caught something out of the corner of his eye and turned to see Envy and Dante sitting on the opposite side of the stage. “What the *bleep* are you doing here!”

Envy stood up suddenly. “’Could ask the same of you! I thought you were the ones with the happy little perfect family!”

“What would you know about my family?” the outraged blond yelled, jumping to his feet.

Envy smirked. “More then you’ll ever know”

“Why I outta!” Ed threatened, starting to cross the stage. Al grabbed a hold of his coat.

“Brother, not now!” Al pleaded. “We’re just here to find father, not to…” but it was too late. Ed squirmed out of the coat and went at Envy, fists flying. Envy dodged easily, sending Ed careening into the chair and almost into Dante’s lap.

“Now Edward,” Dante purred “Would you do that to your own brother?”

“Brother?” Ed glanced back to Al, than glared at Dante. “What the *bleep* are you talking about?” Jerry felt the need to intervene.

“Oh, so you boys don’t know?” The audience gasped. The ratings were defiantly going up this week.

“Know what?” Al asked, somehow looking worried despite his lack of outward emotions.

“We know that our old man had an affair with this hag if that’s what you mean” Ed explained getting up and glairing at the host. “We found the letters.” Al looked to his feet, ashamed.

“Oh, but there’s more,” Jerry said with a smile, seeming to enjoy their emotional pain. “Were you aware that Envy here is Hohenheim and Dante’s son?”

“That doesn’t even make sense!” Ed yelled, defiantly.

Al stood by to defend his brother. “He can’t be their son. He’s a homunculus!”

Dante decided to put it in perspective for the boys. “Yes he is a homunculus, a homunculus created when Hohenheim performed a human transmutation on our deceased son.”

“Huhhhh?” said the audience in unison. Even Jerry looked completely lost.

“No, no…” Ed stammered. “It can’t be….he can’t be…” Envy decided to take advantage of this momentary confusion and smack his half-brother in the back of the head with a random chair. Two of the more burly bouncers stepped in to hold Envy back, while Ed sat on the floor in a daze.

“Brother!” Al exclaimed, running to protect the only fully confirmed brother he had.

“Okay, I’m a little scared to do this,” Jerry said, whipping the sweat off his forehead. “, but let’s bring out Hoheinheim!”

A pleasant looking middle aged man entered, giving the audience a friendly wave. He gazed across the stage to see his one son near unconscious on the floor, his other son trying in vain to help him up, his OTHER son trying in vain to kick him in the head, and his ex-lover looking deeply uninterested. “Oh, so it looks like everyone finally got to meet each other” he said casually with a smile. They all turned to him.

“Let’s go to commercial” Jerry asked pathetically off camera. “Commercial please?”

A familiar screen with a phone number came up. It was the time to recruit more freaks… uh guests. “Are you an authority figure with a secret? A secret you keep even from your own family? Call now! Jerry would love to hear about it.”

“Jerry! Jerry! Jerry!” the audience chanted as the camera panned across the stage to reveal Ed being restrained by a burly shirtless bouncer…and Al, Envy chained to a chair with a bouncer on each side, and Dante fawning over a badly wounded Hohenheim.

“Let me at him! Just let me at him!” Ed screamed, kicking and struggling to get away. “Come on Al, we can’t forgive him for THIS!”

“Calm down, brother! Just give him a chance to explain.”

They watched as Dante daintily dabbed the blood of his face with her handkerchief. “Are you alright, darling?” she asked in a tone of mock concern.

“What?!” Envy spat out. “You said that I could KILL him when we found him!”

“Hush, Envy” she said tersely, turning her attention back to her old beau.

“But you PROMISED!” Dante shot him a look. Envy glared at his creator/father. “You know she only wants you back so you’ll make the stone for her.”

“I’m sorry, Dante,” Hohenheim said, pulling away, “but I’m not getting involved in that… and besides, I’m a married man!”

“Speaking of your wife,” Jerry interrupted “we have a special surprise guest today! Everyone thought that Ed and Al’s mother, Hohenheim’s most recent wife, was deceased but it turns out she’s not…exactly.”

To the surprise of the audience, and most of the guests on stage, an elegant woman in a long dark purple dress came into view. “That’s not our mother! That’s a homunculus!” Ed screamed out.

Hohenheim stood up to approach the woman. “Trisha?” he asked, clearly baffled. The woman walked right past him to Dante.

“Who is that?” she asked the other woman.

“No one important… to either of us” Dante answered scornfully. “Oh, and did I forget to mention that Slo…Trisha is working for me now? After you left her all alone, someone had to take care of her.” She was obviously enjoying rubbing it in. “Maybe I should let you kill him for me, Sloth? Would you enjoy that?” Sloth looked rather… indifferent.

“No I get to kill him!” Envy exclaimed. “Me! Me! Me!”

Jerry had to intervene. “No killing please, not here… after the show however… uh, can we have a commercial break?”

The phone number flashed on the screen again. “Do you have a thing for your brother’s girlfriend….even though she’s dead? Call Jerry now! We’d love to hear from you!”

“Jerry! Jerry! Jerry!” the chant started again. The guest were now all cleaned up and actually seated in their chairs (as opposed to using them as projectiles).

“So, now where do we go from here?” Jerry asked. “Dante, do you still want him back?”

“Of course not. Not only did he cheat on me, but he won’t even help me out in my time of need. She can have him for all I care!” She whispered something to Sloth, who began to embrace Hohenheim, wrapping a watery arm around his neck.

“…and as for the estranged brothers, now that you know the situation, do you wish to resolve your differences for the sake of family?”

“Well, uh, um…” Al stuttered “We could….”

“*bleep* no!” Ed said decisively. “After all he’s done? With that *bleep* of a mother and *bleep* father, I want nothing to do with any of them!” he crossed his arm across his chest.

“…and Envy,” the host asked reluctantly, “What about you?”

“Why do you keep asking ME all these stupid questions about family? Incase you didn’t hear, I’m a homunculus! I have no family! These *bleep* humans are nothing to me.”

“Yeah, I just hope that this all works out for you…” Jerry absently flipped through his cue cards. “Now I’ll give members of the audience a chance to insult, uh talk to our guests.” He scanned the studio audience for someone who didn’t look too scary. There were a lot of weird ones today… “Yes you in the military uniform.”

“This is for that short guy on the end…”

Ed didn’t even give the poor man a chance to finish. “Who are you calling SHORT! Do you think I’m so short that I can’t punch that awful smirk off your face?”

The man reached in his pocket, pulling out a pair of gloves. “I’d like to see you try” he said smugly. It took three bouncers to hold Ed back.

A man towards the back stood up, waving his arms. He was quite fashionably dressed in black leather and sunglasses. “Yeah, this is for the little girly boy,” Up on stage, Envy gestured over to Ed and snickered. “…in black…” Envy was having a field day. Ed had been called small twice, and it wasn’t even by him! “…with the skirt”.

“It’s not a skirt! It’s a loincloth!” Envy blurted out defensively, then thought for a second. “You did NOT just call me….

“Yeah, I did actually” the audience member said with a self- satisfied sneer. “So what’s the deal? Your HOW old and still living with your mother? Why don’t you just get a job… or a BOYFRIEND?” Envy stood up suddenly, taking the chair with him.

“Just shut up you *bleeeeeep*! You don’t know who you’re dealing with! I’ll take you down right here and now!” He lunged into the audience. All the bouncers rushed in to prevent what could become quite…messy.

Meanwhile, Jerry knew that the show must go on and went to the next audience member. This time he picked a more safe-looking man dressed in business-casual with glasses. “First of all I want to send warm greeting to my family at home” He looked into the camera, his face as close to the lens as possible. “Don’t worry Elisia, daddy will be home soon!”

“Do you have anything to say to our guests today, sir?”

“Yes, I think you should all be happy to have such a wonderful and varied family. Now that you are all reunited, you can finally put your differences aside and concentrate on what is most important, loving your children”. There was a collective “awww!” from the audience and a collective groan from on stage.

“Uh, let’s end the show on that note, and now for my final thought.”

All eight bouncers were still having a heck of a time keeping Envy restrained. “For the last time she’s not my *bleep* mother!” he screamed over the roar of the crowd. “I’m not related to any of these freaks! I’ll kill them all right now!”

Jerry escaped from the chaos into his safe little host corner. “‘Family’ is a word that encompasses many things to us. Family used to be thought of simply as mom, dad, brother, sister, but in our ever changing society, this structure has become more lenient. There are single moms, single dads, step families, recently deceased family members coming back as psychopaths… Just remember that whatever the size or shape of your family, they all love you so take care of yourselves and each other.”

There was a click as the cameras went off, and then only the sounds of screaming…


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