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31 March 2006 @ 10:24 pm
First post here, and I come bearing fiction.  

Title:  Singing Telegram
Author:  HavocMangaWIP
Fandom:  Fullmetal Alchemist
Pairing:  Free For All
Rating:  NC-17
Word Count: Just over 1,600
Spoilers: Manga Chapter 38 (gives nothing huge away, you've probably already been spoiled about it if you KNOW the manga exists in Japanese)
Warnings: Language, Inebriation, Cross-dressing, Bestiality, Drug References, Shota, Tachi-cest, Incest, Yaoi, BDSM, medical fetish, cruelty to animals, sparklies, balloon animals, not work safe, and not brain safe.
Disclaimer: Fullmetal Alchemist is the rightful property of Hiromu Arakawa. This is a fan work written purely for  entertainment. 

Click the cut for more, a REAL cut!  Truly! 

To sum up, my stay in the hospital may as well have been the same day, every day. Days flowed into weeks and unless someone told me I wouldn’t know what day it was. There were some exceptions of course, but most memorable experiences at the Central Military Hospital I’d rather forget.

It was decided that my morale was low and something needed to be done. I was at a loss as to what would boost my spirits but just about everything had been tried. Between Colonel Mustang’s many female admirers and our mutual friends gifts of flowers, candy, cards and balloons were delivered daily. By my second week in the hospital the room was beginning to look like the hospital gift shop. I was touched that anyone cared enough to send anything, but it didn’t do much to soften the blow of the news I had received or dull the pain of my wounds any.

I’d grown so accustomed to allowing my mind to drift as nurses tended to me that when I felt the covers shift I did nothing. She was probably just in to help me shift position. The nurse then did something completely unexpected. One moment I was getting my sheets straightened and my pillows fluffed and the next the nurse was straddling me. I looked up and to my shock and horror it was Breda.

“Oh my, um, I’m flattered really man, I am but you’re not my type. Maybe in the trenches a couple of times but really not since then,” I stammered.

Breda slurred, “Singing telegram! I heard that you were feeling blue… aw fuck, I forgot the rest.”

I laughed out loud for the first time in weeks and said, “You are INEBRIATED man, seriously you reek. How much rum did it take for you to cook up this idea, in fact how did you even find the room much less figure out how to get into that dress?”

“Singing telegram for shexy Second Lieutenant Jean Havoc,” Breda said insistently.

As I was trying to figure out how I was going to let Breda down gently Falman came into the room, in a lab coat. I looked him up and down and realized that if I was lucky, he’d be wearing a nurse’s uniform under the lab coat.

"I have a Special Delivery for Second Lieutenant Havoc,” Falman said, trying his best not to stagger as he crossed the room to my bed.

I averted my eyes as he moved to unbutton the lab coat and THANKFULLY he was wearing a uniform under it, but it didn’t hide his knobby knees. He looked a bit put out when he noticed that I already had a special delivery and said, “Breda, I thought that you were getting the alco-… the booze and that I was getting the singing telegram.”

Breda looked utterly surprised to see Falman, and equally surprised that he was also in a nurse’s uniform.

“No, no, no… it was my job to get the singing telegram, buh it wush impossible this late at night,” he corrected him loudly.

So that was why I had a soused Breda in my lap. I heaved a sigh of relief and said, “Breda, could you get off of me? It’s getting hard to breathe.”

He attempted to get up and failed miserably. Luckily Falman came to his aid and helped him to the other side of the room.

As I caught my breath and regained my composure Fuery burst into the room with Black Hayate and the most remarkable thing about the whole situation was that Hayate was also wearing a little white uniform. They had certainly thought this out, and it would have been a well-executed plan if they hadn’t formulated said plan while gathering the courage to carry it out.

Fuery did a little bump and grind crossing the distance between the door and my bed, blushing furiously all the while and I thought that if his face got any redder his head might explode. Once by my side he clasped my hand and I thought to myself, “No, no, no… do not laugh, do not laugh, you’ll hurt his feelings!”

“Wow, thank you for that um, morale booster,” I said babbling like an idiot. “Though I think Colonel Mustang needs some now.”

He gave me a lopsided grin, hiccoughed and teetered in ill-fitting pumps to the other side of the room leaving Black Hayate with me.

I looked at the dog and said, “I promise you I won’t stir fry you tonight, you’ve been through too much tonight. What a good boy you are putting up with them.”

Just as I thought it couldn’t get anymore surreal the door swung open with such force it was almost torn from its hinges and I heard the booming voice of Major Alex Louis Armstrong before I saw him.

I covered my eyes and wished I could run and hide but it just wasn’t an option. I hoped he would notice the sideshow that was going on in the room before he noticed me. It was just my luck that today was apparently “Havoc Appreciation Day” and I was the last notified.

“Second Lieutenant Havoc I am here to raise your spirits!” he said. “Look upon my smiling countenance and the Armstrong Family art of making balloon animals.”

I removed my hands from my eyes, gaped and watched in horror as the Major reached up his skirt.

“Honestly, look, Major Armstrong I feel great, truly the best I‘ve felt in a long time,” I protested.

“Nonsense, allow me astound you!” he replied.

“Oh, believe me, I’m astonished.”

The “dog” he made did not resemble a dog, however it was amusing as hell, obscene looking too. I had to get my mind out of the gutter and though their plan as executed was failing miserably, I was in considerably better spirits.

As Armstrong began flexing his muscles and my mind reeled in horror at the thought of WHAT would be revealed when the inevitable happened, I was spared at the last moment when Fullmetal burst in.

“Colonel Bastard, are you HAPPY? I am here, JUST as you asked in a fucking dress. Where is he?” a very agitated Fullmetal in a very short nurse’s uniform screamed.

Behind him on tiptoe was Alphonse, as if he could hide. Thankfully he was not in a uniform, “just” the cap. He must have noted the look of horror on my face and came over to my side of the room. He opened his chest plate and said, “Here, I thought a kitty might make you happy.”

As he got the last bit out Black Hayate caught sight of the kitten and all hell broke loose. Frenzied motion, the smell of sweat, swearing and general mayhem ensued.

I shouted, “This is just unnatural, all of you are sick. Hayate, a CAT? I am ashamed. Bad dog!”


Everyone and everything in the room froze and fell silent.

When I was sure it was safe to look First Lieutenant Hawkeye was standing in the middle of the room dressed in a frilly pink thing, complete with pasties and tassels, a bullwhip in her hand.

“ENOUGH! Everyone go home, Second Lieutenant Havoc needs his rest and so does Colonel Mustang,” she said sternly.

She ushered everyone out of the room and turned out the lights.


The next morning I woke up and First Lieutenant Hawkeye was there and I had a hard time looking at her with a straight face. I stared at the breakfast tray on my side table and I flashed back to a particularly nasty visual of Armstrong and covered my mouth.

“Second Lieutenant Havoc, is everything fine?” she asked.

“Fine? How can it be fine? You were, well… “ I said.

“What?” she said sounding perplexed.

“Where did you learn how to crack a bullwhip like that, and WHEN did you change into that pink frilly thing?” I finally sputtered.

She pursed her lips and shook her head, finally chuckling.

“I thought you were hallucinating last night,” she said.

“What? No, it was all too real. What I saw and heard and what they DID I could NOT imagine,” I said in disgust. “It was sick!”

“The doctors checked you for fever and infection and ruled both of those out as the cause of your ‘outbursts’ last night,” she said calmly. “They finally figured out that you were having an adverse reaction to your new pain medication.”

“But it was all so real…” I said trailing off.

“When you started prattling on about Black Hayate in a nurse’s uniform and petting the pillow you had resting in your lap we thought you’d lost it. You’re lucky you aren’t in the psychiatric ward right now. Oh, and that pink outfit you ‘imagined me in’, you’re lucky I knew you weren’t in your right mind,” she said grinning.

“So I was the comic relief?” I asked sheepishly.

“Yes, you were. Once we stopped worrying about your sanity and health it was quite entertaining,” she replied.

“Is Colonel Mustang still asleep?” I asked.

She nodded, came closer and I decided that I’d already survived a fate worse than death so I decided to risk it, “Hawkeye…”

“Yes Havoc?” she said leaning in even closer.

“I may have been hallucinating, but you had fabulous tits in that little pink number…”

She smiled, patted me on the cheek and said, “I guess the medication must still be doing a number on you, I’ll let it slide, this time.”


Author's Note:


Crossposted to my Journal

Current Mood: bouncybouncy
Current Music: "They're Coming to Take Me Away"
C-chanbox_of_doom on April 1st, 2006 04:34 am (UTC)
I seriously couldn't stop laughing when Fuery and Black Hayate came in...
...and then Armstrong.......

LOL awesomeness.
havocmangawiphavocmangawip on April 1st, 2006 04:36 am (UTC)
Dragontrap DOUBLE DOG DARED me to write CRAZY multiple partner swapping sex back in the winter and the "due date" was today. I got very big in my britches and said, "I WILL WRITE OT8!!! Everybody will get some, EVEN Black Hayate!!"

I'll have to dig up the entry. ;) I just could NOT do it with a straight face.
honeywell: Questionagent_honeywell on April 1st, 2006 05:24 am (UTC)
You killed me with Armstrong's balloon animals. XD
havocmangawiphavocmangawip on April 1st, 2006 05:30 am (UTC)
Glad you liked the obscene!phallic balloon animals.

I left things vague so y'all could be as naughty as you wanted to be in your bent little brains.

I know mine is bent. ;)
♫ (/ ● ◡<)/ ★: Havoc LOLshiny_lights on April 1st, 2006 08:14 am (UTC)
I was fine up until Armstrong and his balloon animals, and then I just lost it. XDDD
havocmangawiphavocmangawip on April 1st, 2006 08:22 am (UTC)

I'm still giggling at myself a bit as Armstrong could have been pulling out the "Family Lineage/Jewels". XD
the_pamster on April 1st, 2006 01:28 pm (UTC)
I loved this, thanks for sharing HavocMangaWip. I thought it was pretty cool and a perfect way to start off the day. ^_^
havocmangawiphavocmangawip on April 1st, 2006 08:16 pm (UTC)
Thanks! :) It was my first attempt at lots of crack and humor in one sitting.

I've read a bit of yours and it's really well done!
the_pamster on April 3rd, 2006 01:04 am (UTC)
Aw that's sweet of you to say...
I was LOL over my coffee. ^_^ And even more so knowing you took a read of 'Empathy' or 'Guilt In The Shell' maybe, that was a nice one shot. Either way I am flatterred you'd have read any of mine. Is this your first FMA piece? Or did you have more elsewhere? I'd be interested in your Havoc's POV stories in particular. ^_^
havocmangawiphavocmangawip on April 3rd, 2006 01:14 am (UTC)
Re: Aw that's sweet of you to say...
Havocmangawip has 'em ALL... a LOT OF IT.
Info/disclaimers and warnings:

Chapter List:
Noooo, I couldn't start with nice little oneshots. I started with a damned novel. From Manga38 through the long haul back.

Skimmed some of Empathy and Faith, and peeked at your site. You are so so open. You also kicked ass at educating people. Some people NEVER get that.

I teased the ex that I'd gotten dating tips from my special ed classes. He said, "WHAT?"

I laughed and said, "Noooo, not like that, but I HATE on disability jargon, YOU are a person first... and it was no coincidence that I grabbed a chair to talk to you after that gig you invited me to. It was habit."

My old prof laughed that I'd gotten dating tips in her class, but ex and I had bonded over the Dalai Lama!
I dated a guy who crashed a plane... so the "Oh poor me I will go sit in a corner doing nothing and angsting fics..."

Well, they pissed me off. As yes, SCI SUCKS. It absolutely sucks, but either you live LIKE that and say, "Poor me." and curl up and DIE inside, or you make the best of it.

I was lucky enough to be with a guy making the best of it. I often FORGOT. It was just a fact of life, I mean yeah there was the "How do we get in?" questions, but planning for that stuff becomes second nature and Los Angeles is pretty chair access friendly. When it wasn't, he is VERY resourceful. Friends would nudge me when they'd meet him for the first time and be like, "Um, you didn't tell me about THAT when you gushed about how cute/talented/smart/funny he is."
Ami: Shake it bi-yatch. (Made by corinn )threeonetwo on April 1st, 2006 09:31 pm (UTC)
That was just...amazing. xD And cracktastic. And yes, great.
havocmangawip: plaid chibihavocmangawip on April 1st, 2006 11:14 pm (UTC)
Why thank you! :)

I'm glad you were amused. I had fun writing it. It's ALMOST in timeline/character with the long piece I'm writing...

As it is a hallucination. ;)
Velvet Macevelvet_mace on April 1st, 2006 11:05 pm (UTC)
Crack is fun!
havocmangawip: plaid chibihavocmangawip on April 1st, 2006 11:16 pm (UTC)
I always love reading your crack... truly, this is the first crack I've ever written.

Oddly enough, this is "in agreement" with my long work! HAH! It would fit in timeline somewhere with the first chapter. GAH... but just NO.

I couldn't reconcile ANY of that happening unless it HAD been a bad meds reaction.
teppy_worlkteppy_worlk on April 1st, 2006 11:20 pm (UTC)
that was the bestliest fic evar!!!!!!!

i think havoc had the best hilucination he will ever have in his life....hahahaha!!!!!!!


damn! you have a gift!!! kudos to you!
havocmangawiphavocmangawip on April 1st, 2006 11:26 pm (UTC)
Re: hahahahahahhahahahahahaha!!!!!!
Thank you!

That was written in about 1.5 hours last night.

I write Havoc a LOT so he was easy...

It was just HOW to lead your little minds down the path of DIRTY DIRTY DIRTY DIRTY without being too too filthy in actuality.

I think I did a good job too.


I write good romance/smut/het/angst too in the manga variety. ;)
(Deleted comment)
havocmangawiphavocmangawip on April 2nd, 2006 02:16 am (UTC)
You're welcome! :D
Раиса "パポコ": Micchi~papoko on April 2nd, 2006 02:15 am (UTC)

Thank you. Thank you. I love you.
The Icon Alchemist: BITE JOOsky_dark on April 2nd, 2006 02:31 am (UTC)
havocmangawiphavocmangawip on April 2nd, 2006 02:33 am (UTC)
Thank you!!!! :D

Wheee... from you, this is WHEE!

I wrote implied yaoi. ;) As POOR JEAN'S mind was working OVERTIME there in that room. To shock and make him call something disturbing and sick, well yeah. :D

And yeah, the cat and the Hayate were hitting it.