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26 March 2006 @ 02:29 pm
Dude looks like a lady! (NOT WORK SAFE!)  
[mood| naughty]
[music| fma - Dream On]

This was totally inspired by youkofujima and her lovely drawings! X3!

Tital: Man looks like a lady! (Yes like the song... but we're making it litueral X3!)
Rateing: NC-17
Pairings: OC/Al Ed/Al
Warnings: Tentcale rape, incest, rape, abuse, genderbend, not work safe AND MOST IMPORTANT OF ALL NOT BRAIN SAFE! :D!
Authors notes: Really this is just drabble if someone wants to continue with the story they can :D! I saw youkofujima's last genderbender picture with Ed and Al an I was like.... "THE BUNNIES ARE ATTACKING THE BUNNIES ARE ATTACKING!" I can't say it's exactly from the manga or the anime. Though I'd hope it be more from the manga... *Shrugs.* I dunno :P.
Summary: Ed and Al are on yet another mission, though not for the stone, as normal soldiers of the military. After an alchemist that was able to pass his state alchemist exam with proof of being able to repopulate a dangered speicies with his gender changing alchemy. Will Ed and Al be able to get out of this with their lives?
word count: 4,542 (Around ten pages :P)

Fic has been taken down for reconstruction, and all that jazz. Sorry for the inconvenience ^^;.
Rebeccacnekok on March 26th, 2006 08:23 pm (UTC)
You mean you aren't going to continue this? This fic was awesome! I would love to see this fic continue... It can't just end here! D: (I'm a terrible writer, so I wouldn't be able to continue it, sadly.)
Kristentromkehra on March 27th, 2006 03:17 am (UTC)
I might continue later. It's just the fact that I don't get a lot of time to do a lot of writing. I have some ideas but still... :/
Acidic Angelqara_isuke on March 26th, 2006 11:37 pm (UTC)

Kristentromkehra on March 27th, 2006 03:18 am (UTC)
Heh... thanks.
Acidic Angel: BOOBIES!qara_isuke on March 27th, 2006 08:13 am (UTC)
It turned out awesome. And hot. I'm not even big on Elricest, but it was surprisingly hot.

*offers her firstborn in exchange for more?*
Kristentromkehra on March 27th, 2006 01:43 pm (UTC)
XD! Yay I get a baby for my unfertile self :D! *Is unable to have babies like Izumi!* :o!
mikkeneko on March 27th, 2006 09:44 am (UTC)
You really need to cut down on the overuse of ellipses.
Kristentromkehra on March 27th, 2006 01:44 pm (UTC)
I know T-T.... I also need someone to beta read my stuff..... Gaah I fail T-T!
Kristentromkehra on March 27th, 2006 02:04 pm (UTC)
Erm, I know there are other ways to pause when a character is talking to another. I just don't really know how to use them too well. Like I said I need a beta and my grammar sucks. *Has tried to keep from using elipses at least five times now.* >.
Kyrareikah on March 27th, 2006 10:20 am (UTC)
Warnings: Tentical rape

Dude... if you can't spell 'tentacle' maybe you shouldn't be writing this sort of thing. :/
(Deleted comment)
Kyra: [Naruto] Anax did what?reikah on March 27th, 2006 01:55 pm (UTC)
Way to explode over nothing, drama queen. I was in the process of typing up a critique when your second comment came in. Firsty, I am going to assume you are not a native English speaker, because your grammar is simply so atrocious I almost cannot understand what you are saying. I have no idea what the hell you mean about saying something a British person? What the hell does 'there is not right way to speel stuff over there' even mean?
Kristentromkehra on March 27th, 2006 02:01 pm (UTC)
I was pissed and I'm sorry.... That was inapropriate and unfair to you and I'm sorry.
Kyra: [Non-fandom] Make teareikah on March 27th, 2006 02:15 pm (UTC)
For your reference (I assume you meant 'what if you said that to a British person, there is no right way to spell stuff over there!' in your rant) I'm British, and yes, there is. That's why I noticed. :)
Kristen: Brokentromkehra on March 27th, 2006 02:40 pm (UTC)
Oh wow... I really fail. I'm sorry. I'm realy sorry for offending you.
Kristen: Brokentromkehra on March 27th, 2006 02:13 pm (UTC)
Gaah, I just fail... Really I'm sorry. I don't know what came over me. Normally I don't get pissed so easily.
Kristentromkehra on March 27th, 2006 01:58 pm (UTC)
Yea if you read the other two... just ignore them... though seriously dude... why do you think I shouldn't be wriitting stuff like this? I'm twenty if you think I'm just some kid writting a fic, I know I don't act like it. Though seriously... I would like a reason as to why just for not being able to spell tentacle that I shouldn't be writing this in the first place. Believe me all my teachers through middle, high and college said I can write some pretty good stories, I'm just really shity with my gammar and spelling. I mean if you think it's a crappy story all around please tell me why? So that I can either fix it or just simply stop all together.
Kyra: [FMA manga] Lust - ... wut.reikah on March 27th, 2006 02:14 pm (UTC)
Well, I haven't read any of your 'pretty good stories', so I have no idea about that. All I have is the one in front of me, which is somewhat less than, er, stellar.

You don't need to abuse the ellipses (the '...'), and you keep switching tenses mid-sentence. Also, why did you even throw the tentacle rape in? It bears no relevance on the plot, nor do you develop the situation. I would recommend re-writing this story and erasing the tentacle rape out, unless it bears some significance somehow to the plot, in which case you'll need to strengthen that significance, because right now it's just utterly gratuitous.

Your 'bad guy' needs to be more developed - name him, give him more of a description, and explain his motives for turning men into women and impregnating them. Why does he need genderswitched men? What's wrong with normal women?

Secondly, commas are your friend. For realz. Let's look at how some lines in your story can be improved with commas:

“Rape, you mean!” Al growled, trying to get away. (change 'trying' to 'struggling' if you want the readers to know that Al's actually fighting to get away, not inching slowly away from the maniac).


“Yes, but a friend can help, when he knows the entire situation. I can help you, with your actual commanding officer.” Roy actually sounded concerned. (You may not wish to repeat 'actual' twice in the same sentence; change the first 'actual' to 'real')

Also, if all of Al's finger, hand and wrist bones are broken, he is going to be in fucking agony. There are hundreds of bones in your hands alone. The slightest movement should be enough to KO him instantly.

Did we need to open this story with an info dump, by the way? Is there no better way to gradually introduce the circumstances of the Elrics' lives than just dropping it straight on the reader's head as soon as they begin? Perhaps you could open with the Elrics snooping around the lab, explaining that they're after this alchemist for their job in the military, and gradually introduce things about them. Like mentioning Al reaching up onto a shelf for the alchemist's journal, and explaining that this is because he's now six foot two.

Another thing here that flagged me were the sexist comments made throughout - when your alchemist says of Al '“It’s going to activate everything that makes her a woman…. I’m sure…. You’ll love the reaction… of my precious specimen…”' and then Al proceeds to become desperate to be fucked, that's not a good sign. I find it quite distasteful that what apparently 'makes' Al a woman is her urge to have sex.

Personally, I would advise taking this and all your future fics to fma_fic_crit and asking for a level two criticism.
Kristen: Brokentromkehra on March 27th, 2006 02:45 pm (UTC)
*Nods* ... Thanks for the advice. Sorry I've been so much trouble.
Charla / Rachelcaptain_charla on March 28th, 2006 12:32 am (UTC)
Hmm, if you need a beta, I recommend you try reading what you wrote again from the top and try fixing it before posting. Easier to avoid these situations, with right grammer and punctuation.
Kristentromkehra on March 28th, 2006 12:43 am (UTC)
*Nods* I did... Though thank you for your advice. I'm gonna take it down for a while and edit it so it'll make sense! Though yea I do deserve to be hit with a baka hammer for being an idiot this morning X{!
Charla / Rachelcaptain_charla on March 28th, 2006 12:51 am (UTC)
Glad to hear it. I still think you should take out the random raping plant. A bit of back plot would be nice too. Usually in fanfics you can tell if the story was made with certain events in mind, and it's very obvious in this one what you were trying to make happen. Try to make it smoother from transition to transition.

For example, your scientist seems to come out of nowhere with an excuse to rape Al. Literally out of nowhere. Even though you stated the whole 42-hour thing, it was weak. The whole scene where Ed is raped by the plant, the scientist just decides..

Kristentromkehra on March 28th, 2006 03:07 am (UTC)
Yea, I can see how that's a large problem. X[. *Writes down to help fix ficlet and future stories.*

Yea Thinking about it now... I pushed it out too early to the public while the fic is potentially in what one of my professors would call the "Mad Man stage." Kind of a "Zomg lolz I just wrote this teh asum fic wantz to see? :D?!?!?!?!?!ONE" So I fail in that compartment. Still yea I'll take it down for now and put it later when it's all nice and shiney and organized XD.