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03 March 2006 @ 09:47 am
Hi everyone. I am in need of some fanfiction help. I need someone to help me write a Edward-Roy fanfiction. I need help with writing and spelling/grammer.
Yaoi warning.

Fullmetal Alchemist
Summary: [yaoi/shonen ai] Edward is 19 and Alphonse is 18.

“Nii san!” yelled Alphonse as he ran after his brother.

“Alphonse you’re so slow!” said Edward “Come on Roy is waiting for us.”

“Humph, Nii-san you’re so mean.”

“Oh, come on you have to be faster now that you have your body back.”

“I am! But you’re too fast!” Alphonse said, complaining in a whiny voice.

“Oh come on! I’m not that fast!”

“I would think that you are, judging by you height.” Said a voice from behind them


“Oh lighting up shrimp. I didn’t say that.”

“Humm….” Thought Ed as he turned around to see who it was, standing there about a couple feet taller than him was Brigadier Roy Mustang, The Flame Alchemist. Edward hated how Roy always teased him about his height and how his job is better than Ed’s. Even though Edward only joined the military to search for the philosopher stone. “Ya’ know Roy nobody asked you about my height!”

“Yeah, but we know you get so cute when you get mad.” Said Roy, pinching Edwards’s cheeks

“Ahhhhh! Roy you are making me so mad!” Yelled Ed, again this time clapping his hands together about to use alchemy, “Don’t make me do this! You know I will!”

“Oh come on you wouldn’t…you love me?!” said Roy, getting closer to Edward

“Get away from me! I don’t even like you! Why would I love you?!”

“Nii-San I think we should be leaving now…” said Alphonse in a quite voice, Alphonse was never the type to speak up, especially around his brother. He always had to break up fights that Edward got into. Ed got into fights all the time, for the stupidest reasons too. Mainly people calling him small.

“Okay, Al…Lets go.” Said Edward, a little disappointed

“Bye hunny bunny poo!” Said Roy in a sarcastic voice.

“Edward just ignore him.” Said Alphonse, putting his hand on Ed’s shoulders pushing him away from Roy.

“Ahhhhh! But he’s called me ‘hunny bunny poo!’ We can’t just let that pass!” Yelled Edward crying like a baby

“Oh come on Nii-San you’re suppose to be the older brother…not the younger!” Alphonse said pointing it out to Edward. He sometimes forgets that part.

“Fine…Let’s go Alphonse. I’ll act my own age.”

“Yeah, sweetie…Act your age not your height.” Yelled Roy, being sarcastic about the ‘sweetie’ part, knowing that it would get Ed mad

Sorry guys for spaming you...
comeguardian on March 3rd, 2006 02:56 pm (UTC)
“Oh lighting up shrimp. I didn’t say that.”

Typo there :) i think you mean "lighten".

It was pretty good, though I think it felt kind of rushed. that could just be me though. maybe you can elaborate more with actions or dialogue?
everydaylove on March 3rd, 2006 04:27 pm (UTC)
I can help you out if you want it. :) Especially with the spelling & grammar parts... I'm kind of a grammar Nazi...
Kali or Edismineedismine on March 3rd, 2006 04:53 pm (UTC)
Sure. I'll my email is itachi.lover88@gmail.com E-mail me and I will start to e-mail you the storys.
everydaylove on March 5th, 2006 05:02 am (UTC)
I sent you an email. :) Sorry it took so long; I just got home from college.
Kali or Edismineedismine on March 5th, 2006 06:05 pm (UTC)
Thats okay.
Bringing Order into your Chaos: okami_xokami_hu on March 3rd, 2006 06:37 pm (UTC)
*sigh* I'll be honest with you. Not bitchy, I'm not trying to flame or troll, or whatewer, but you need an honest opinion instead of the mindless squealing.

This writing above is bad. Not just grammar-wise but you messed up the personality of Roy and sad things, which aren't true.

Roy wouldn't sink so low and call Ed hunny bunny and sweety. Roy has WITS. And he uses them. His way of teasing is clever, sharp and elegant.

Al never calls Ed "Edward". He calls him "brother". (I don't know about the dub though.)

Ed indeed gets into fights... with the badguys. But when somebody calls him short, he just yells and flails while Al holds him back.

The reasons why Ed would cry are very few. His Mom dying is a reason. Getting nearly killed by an insane mass murderer is a reason. Roy calling him names ISN'T among those reasons.

Why is Roy's rank Brigadier...? o_O

Serious fic writers keep their stories in one language. This means no "nii-san"s. It's better to use "brother".

Again, I'm not saying all this to hurt you or discourage you. If you get a good beta and listen to her/him, you'll only get better. It is possible to develop and I'm sure you'll be able to do that.
purplemewitpurplemewit on March 3rd, 2006 07:07 pm (UTC)
Al never calls Ed "Edward". He calls him "brother". (I don't know about the dub though.)

On occasion, Al does call Ed by his name (in the dub), it's about 80/20, Brother/Ed
Bringing Order into your Chaosokami_hu on March 3rd, 2006 10:18 pm (UTC)
Now I'm wiser. Never seen the dub and in the subbed ver, it's true. Hmm, actually I can imagine Al call his bro "Edward" then but only when he's very angry with him.