here ya go
Lemon 03: In which there is Fornication
In a small office room deep in the bowels of Central Headquarters four humans and what seemed to be a giant suit of armor were huddled close together. If anyone looked inside they would be greeted with what appeared to be a conspiracy within the military, that and the rather unnerving sight of a talking, moving suit of armor. Fortunately, the only conspiracy in the military was not happening amongst this motley group of people (not yet anyway); no, this gathering was for a purpose vastly unrelated to usurping the Fuhrer or any such seditious activities, it was on the mission Colonel Mustang himself had titled “The Havocsperience”. The plan was just about ready to be put in action and a last minute overview was commencing.
“I don’t see why I have to do this…”
“Nii-san, don’t be mean, this is for Havoc-san!”
“So! Why can’t he get a woman on his own? It’s pathetic that we have to help him!”
“That’s what I said!”
“No one asked you Honoo no baka-san”
“Oy…Hagane no chibi…”
“WHO’RE YOU CALLING A SPECK OF RICE SO TINY YOU WANT TO
“Please calm down everyone! NOW! Let’s go over the plan one more time”
“I still don’t see…”
“Fine, fine…, administer sleeping agent to Havoc’s drink at the bar. meet with Mustang-baka and deposit Havoc promptly in his apartment…taku…damn Havoc’s woman problem…who needs women anyway…”
“MOVING ON! , Landlady calls C’est L’amour and asks to speak to man under reservation of Farman”
“Do we have the landlady informed of everything?”
“Yes, I called her about it earlier today.”
“, Mustang-Taisa calls from the office, urgent business that needs immediate attention”
“, extraction at HQ then promptly to lookout point across the street”
“, ‘Babe Parade: Ero-Ero
“Hawkeye-san please put the gun away”
“Anyway…have we all got what we’re doing?”
“Alright then men,”
Sheska decided that pants really weren’t the way to go if she was going out to a nice restaurant for dinner. She didn’t want to look as if she was going on a date because she wasn’t; she was going to have a good time with her friend and then come home and read a book until she fell asleep. But the only problem was that she hadn’t anything informal to wear, NOTHING. She had her work clothes, her stay at home clothes, and her super formal funeral/family dinner clothes. She wasn’t a girl who had clothes for any other occasion than the bare basics and that was just now becoming a problem.
“AAAAAU MOU!” she cried, throwing down the last a flowered cardigan her mother had thought would look nice on her (it had made her look like someone’s grandmother). Nothing she had in her little closet could possibly be worn out on the type of outing she was going on.
“I knew I should have bought that outfit I saw the other day!” she moaned. Sighing, she turned around to view the bomb site that her room had become. Clothes littered the floor, panties and bras, thrown out of the drawers in her rush to find something to wear, were strewn haphazardly on the bed and the chairs.
“What am I going to do?” she mumbled dejectedly. She bent to pick up some clothes just as the doorbell rang.
“Aiyah…Who could that be…” she walked to her door and opened it, expecting some sort of book delivery or perhaps a person with the wrong address (she always got that).
“EH! Myrtle-chan!” Sheska stood aside for the large cafeteria lady to enter.
“Wh-what are you doing here?” she asked once Myrtle was inside the house and she had closed the door. Instead of answering, Myrtle stood ad made her way towards Sheska’s room. Immediately Sheska’s face colored, it was such a mess in there!
“Um! Myrtle-chan please it’s very messy in there! Ano…it’s not very nice to look at you know, I can make tea and we can sit out here where it’s clean and…” she trailed off as Myrtle entered her room anyway.
“woooo tsk tsk tsk, you’ve really hit your wardrobe hard!” Myrtle said, emitting a low whistle upon viewing the mess.
“And it looks like you didn’t find a single thing to wear! Luckily I foresaw this!” Myrtle turned and reached into her large bag. Sheska looked puzzled,
“What do you have there Myrtle-chan?” she asked.
Myrtle smirked and began to advance on her, Sheska gulped. Something told her that whatever was in that bag was unlike anything she had ever submitted herself to before.
And the slightly maniacal look in Myrtle’s eyes did nothing to reassure her either.
The bar, “Exotica”, was a den of strange alcoholic beverages, barely dressed women, and less than legal merchandise. It wasn’t very reputable, but it was the only bar close enough to both Havoc’s apartment and C’est L’amour. Edward really didn’t want to go inside, but he would have to or face the wrath of all of his teammates. He approached the bright red and blue flashing sign that displayed a naked woman and the club’s name and scowled. He didn’t know anything about women ad he certainly didn’t want to see one naked, he hoped tonight was some sort of…”get hammered but do no hammering” night as he didn’t think he could stand the sight of a man and a woman…publicly fornicating.
He sighed and turned to his silent companion.
“Havoc-san…what do you want to drink?”
“Listen Edward-kun…I realize Hawkeye and the rest of them bullied you into coming out with me tonight and I have to say I’m really grateful…but having a kid around…”
“WHO’RE YOU CALLING A ULTRA SUPER HYPER CHIBI TOO SHORT TO REACH…”
“EDWARD-KUN! I didn’t say that…it’s just…you’re underage, and I have no idea why Hawkeye was in on this since you are, and I don’t want you to see me how I will be after a few vodka tonics get into my system…”
“It’s fine Havoc-san…I’m sure you won’t be so bad,” Ed said, hiding a smirk and walking inside.
‘Yeah, if everything in this damn plan goes right we can leave this disgusting hole within ten minutes…and what could I possibly witness within that time?’
It was with this thought that the young state alchemist entered the club and walked straight into a man and a woman having sex against the wall. Just as he was about to let loose a disgusted scream another man came stumbling across his path before tripping and vomiting on the floor, moaning and clutching his stomach; Ed tried to breath in to stop himself from hyperventilating and instead got a face full of purple smoke blown from the chapped lips of a yellow toothed man who was leering at him.
‘Just ten minutes, just ten minutes, just ten minutes’ he repeated over and over in his head, clenching his teeth he moved on to the bar.
Havoc sat down beside him and slapped a hand on the bar top,
“Oy barkeep! I’ll have a vodka tonic on the rocks and um…a water with ice” he ordered in the voice of one used to ordering drinks. The barkeep raised his eyebrow at Ed but wisely kept his mouth shut when the blonde shot him a very dangerous look.
Their drinks arrived and Ed decided, after noticing that his “water” was green in color and that his chair was sticky with something he couldn’t identify, not to dillydally. He drew in breath and opened his mouth wide in one of his trademark yawns making sure to stretch his arms wide and to knock over his own drink.
“AH! Oops! Gomen gomen!” he cried, watching with an inner smirk as Havoc bent over to wipe the water off his pants. When the older man wasn’t looking (and he was pretty sure no one else was either) he slipped the powder he had been holding in a small packet into Havoc’s drink.
“That’s alright Edward-kun…” Havoc said and, as Ed had been hoping, took a large gulp of his drink to finish it off.
“Barkeep!” he called and jiggled his glass, signaling that he wanted another. Ed glanced at his watch, , perfect timing…now to wait until the sleep drug started to work
“Ah Edward-kun, I feel sort of sleep…”
The Havocsperience part: 01 was complete.
Lemon 04: In which there is Vulgarity
The dormitory building where Jean Havoc resided was a small but neat place which he specifically chose to live in for it’s proximity to Central HQ. The blonde man wasn’t very prone to oversleeping, but when he did he liked to know that work was just a mad dash down two blocks away.
Edward Elric was now eternally grateful for his coworker’s choice of living space as it was even closer to the downtown part of Central city and thus also very close to the club Exotica from which Ed was dragging Havoc’s unconscious form.
“Where is that f-cking Mustang-baka!” he groaned, hefting the dead weight of Havoc on his back and trying to ignore the suspicious looks sent his way.
It was nearing the appointed time for Havoc to be safely dumped at his apartment but the state-alchemist was still making his way slowly from the club. He would never admit it out loud but Edward really was too small to bear the significantly taller man on his back.
“Ugh! Where could he BE?” Ed cried as Havoc slipped off his back once again.
-At Johnnie’s Adult Literature and Commodities store-
“Awww come on! I know that you have it in the back! Why not just…ya know…sell me an early release. It’s not that much ahead of everyone else!”
The missing colonel was currently trying to wheedle the newest edition of “Babe Parade” from the stony faced owner of his favorite stand. He leaned across the counter and covertly slid 1000 cenz across the table,
“Come oooonnn” he
said, the store owner just raised an eyebrow at the money.
“Listen you low level porn distributor! I’m trying to get
myself a copy of that magazine before it sells out like it did the last time
and I had to wait a month to get it! I have something very important I’m doing now and…and…”
“Oh mother f--”
-Back with Ed-
“F-CKER!” Ed cried at the car that had just passed him and had purposely swerved to hit a slimy puddle of what probably used to be water just to splash him. Now he was soaked with the revolting stuff, it was …he was late.
“Taku…I hope Hawkeye-san shoots him right in his stinking smirking face!” he muttered choosing to blame Mustang for all of his current misfortune.
“Hello there pretty lady…you’re looking really tashty fried dangoooo” Havoc suddenly muttered. Ed rolled his eyes and hiked the blonde further up on his back, if this is what adults did for fun then he would stick to his books thank-you-very-much.
“Hagane noooooo!” a familiar voice suddenly called. Ed’s head snapped up and his eyes darkened when he saw Mustang running towards him.
“YOU STINKING GOOD FOR NOTHING RAT!” Ed yelled, glaring daggers at the dark haired man,
“Where…” he said dangerously “have you been?”
“Uhm…let me take Havoc-san off your back…I’ll carry him for
the rest of the way…” he said overenthusiastically. Ed narrowed his eyes but
“This is going to be hard…why does Havoc have to be so damn…big” Roy muttered, avoiding saying tall which would imply that he himself wasn’t adequate height and that was unacceptable. Ed smirked, catching the unsaid comment, and began to run
“Oy! Hagane no!”
“We have to hurry! He needs to be there before !” Ed called back, still running.
“Damn chibi…” he moaned under his breath and took off at a run.
Sheska couldn’t quite understand why people never knew what looked good on her. All her life her mother and her sisters and even her brothers had bought a myriad of clothes and accessories, none of which looked any good on her. She herself had decided that plain and nondescript was the style that suited her frumpish looks and average figure.
It appeared, however, that she was very wrong about herself. She didn’t know why Myrtle knew what looked good on her and she didn’t, but she was grateful that the older woman did.
She stood in her room in front of her full length mirror and did a once over of herself.
Her hair had been brushed so that it shone and then it had been tied back into a sleek bun at the back of her head. Her fringe had been trimmed and parted to one side.
Nothing could be done about her glasses right away so she still wore them, but behind the enormous black frames Myrtle had applied mascara and eye shadow to her eyes and lashes. Sheska had refused any makeup aside from that and some sweet smelling lip balm that tasted like candy.
She wore a simple black long sleeved dress which showed her bare shoulders and ended just below mid thigh. With that she wore long black stockings and on her feet were dainty emerald ballet flats. She would carry a small black drawstring bag with her, when she had complained that there was no room for a book in it, Myrtle had retorted that she was going out to have fun with her friend and not to read.
Myrtle had left her house with a cheery reminder to let herself have fun and just relax (or else) just over ten minutes ago. Sheska checked her wall clock, , she was late! She gasped and grabbed her keys, dashing out of the house; she locked the door and ran across the street. Luckily for her, C’est L’amour was very close to her house so she didn’t have to run too far.
‘I hope I look good!’ she thought as she dashed past a group of men on their way to the bar. She didn’t hear them making catcalls at her and if she did, she probably thought they were just joking.
Farman sighed and checked his watch, 7:05, he was nervous.
He knew that
“Farman-san!” he heard a familiar voice call, he turned and saw Sheska running towards him.
“Oh hello Sheska-san…” he said absentmindedly glancing away from her. And then his brain caught up to his eyes and he did a double-take.
He had known that Sheska would be pretty if someone cleaned her up a little but he didn’t have any idea that she could come out looking this good. He stopped himself from gaping and smiled kindly, reminding himself that the plan was for Sheska to get together with Havoc, commented on her attire.
“You look very nice tonight Sheska-san” he said and watched her blush shyly with an inner smile,
“You do too Farman-san…now let’s have a seat” she replied. They chose an outdoors table at Farman’s request (in accordance to the Havocsperience plan) and seated themselves. Farman checked his watch, , five minutes.
“So Sheska-san, what do you usually do on Fridays if you don’t go out?” he asked. Immediately Sheska brightened,
“Well, you know I really love to read so I set up challenges for myself. Every weekend I get ten books I’ve never read and try to read all ten of them within two days! It only never works when I don’t find a new book, then I just reread all the old ones” she explained. Farman plastered a smile on his face while thinking
‘She really…really…really needs to get out more; hopefully she and Havoc can find enough middle ground to get along’
“So what do you like to do on weekends Farman-san?” Sheska asked him. Farman hummed in thought; he didn’t want to tell him that he went out to bars with his friends and picked up girls on occasion. What did people do when they weren’t at parties or bars?
“I like to try out new recipes since I’m a bachelor and I need to know how to cook…” he finally said. Sheska smiled brightly at him,
“That sounds like fun! You know I once read a cook book detailing exactly the process of…”
“Excuse me…” Sheska was interrupted by a waiter, Farman looked up at him
“There is a phone call for a Mister…Farman?”
‘Show time’ Farman thought excusing himself from the table and following the man to the back to answer the phone.
When they reached Havoc’s apartment, they found the rather
attractive landlady waiting for them, twirling a ring of keys around one finger.
“What the…” Ed mumbled, completely astonished at
“Adults” he murmured and cleared his throat. Immediately the
two older people snapped to attention, the landlady blushed and
“Let’s get to it then…I believe I can trust this…lovely
lady…to call Farman at C’est L’amour.”
Ed rolled his eyes and went inside the building behind
“This is a pretty nice place…”
“Nice and clean…I never lived anywhere this nice when I was his rank!” Ed snorted and shook his head,
“you probably were never in a rank long enough to hold a
living space befitting it…I bet the military higher-ups decided that it’d be
better to keep you in the cheapest housing they could find until you were in a
position you could keep for a while and then
move you up” he said.
“Ok let’s see…167…168...169! Here it is!” Ed exclaimed,
pulling out the key to the room (he had gotten it from Havoc’s pocket earlier)
and inserting it into the lock.
“169…ironic number isn’t it?” he murmured, chuckling slightly. Ed looked up at him as if he were crazy and raised an eyebrow,
“What’s so ironic about it?” he asked, clearly believing
“One-SIXTY-NINE Edward-kun!” he said. When Ed sent an even more confused look at him, Roy simply sighed and shook his head,
“Children…” he said exasperatedly and walked into the room. Ed stood outside growling for a minute,
“Like adults are any better…” he mumbled mutinously before going inside as well.
“Sheska-san…I’m afraid we’ll have to cut our outing a bit short for now…” Sheska looked up at Farman’s apologetic face. It had been less than a minute since he had left to answer the phone call and he had just returned.
“What’s happened?” she asked worriedly, Farman sighed,
“It seems that one of my friends has fallen very ill. He went out tonight, for Fuhrer-knows what reason, and it seems that it was too much for him to take. His landlady just called, he’s managed to stumble into his room but she’s worried that he won’t be able to take care of himself tonight” he said. Sheska frowned in sympathy,
“Well, let’s go in and check up on him shall we?” she said, standing up. Farman silently congratulated himself on the plan working thus far and said,
“Are you sure you don’t mind?” he was even happier when she shook her head no and stood up to leave.
“So, where does he live?” Sheska asked as they set off, Farman smiled,
“Oh, just around the corner from here,” he replied and began to walk. As they approached Havoc’s building he saw a flash of a familiar blonde head and red coat and he smirked,
‘Edward-kun and Mustang-Taisa must have just put him in there…oh thank Deuce Mustang-Taisa actually stuck to the plan!’ he thought.
When Farman and Sheska actually reached Havoc’s apartment, the first thing they noticed was the fact that the door was not locked. Of course Farman knew that this was part of the plan, to make it look as if Havoc was too sick to actually shut the door after himself. When they walked in the first thing they saw was Havoc sprawled on the floor, half on and half off his couch with his shirt held in his hand and only one shoe off.
‘Edward-kun and Mustang Taisa are really good at this!’ Farman thought. He bent over under the pretense of checking if Havoc was breathing and smiled, not a trace of alcohol on his breath.
“He’s still breathing so I suppose he should be okay…but I think he’s still feverish. He has a stomach virus you see…” Farman said and, as if on cue, Havoc groaned in his sleep.
“Why don’t you change out of that dress in case he decides to throw up and you get hit with it, just use one of his shirts, he won’t mind” Farman began to drag Havoc into the bedroom and onto the bed. Sheska blushed,
“Are you sure he won’t mind?” she asked hesitantly. Farman smiled at her,
“Of course not! Go ahead; it looks like we’ll be here for some time so you’d probably be more comfortable wearing something like a big shirt…also I’d hate to see him vomit all over such a pretty dress” he said. Sheska nodded, grabbed a shirt out of the closet (which was open), and went into the bathroom to change.
“Come on you big lug, time for your act…” Farman murmured to the unconscious Havoc once Sheska was inside the bathroom. He turned to check the clock on the wall, , Mustang was slightly late but at this stage in the plan it didn’t quite matter, everything vital was in place.
The phone rang and Farman smiled and went to pick it up.
“Moshi-moshi?” he said, already knowing who it was.
“Farman-san, we’re ready, it’s time for you to get out.” Ed’s voice crackled over the phone, nodding to himself Farman made sure to answer loudly,
“No Havoc-san is…indisposed at the moment…urgent business? But he’s not able to…what? Taisa wants me to go in his place? But I’m with someone and we have to watch…understood.” He hung up the phone and turned around where Sheska stood. Farman noted momentarily that she looked cute in Havoc’s oversized shirt before he fixed an apologetic look on his face,
“Sheska-san…” he started but she held up a hand.
“No…I-I heard your conversation. You should go if Mustang Taisa wants you…I’ll um, I’ll stay with your friend. He is…Lieutenant Havoc right?” she said, Farman nodded,
“Yes, I’ll stay with Havoc-san while you go and work. I have a feeling I’ll be here ‘til morning but then if it’s urgent business with the Colonel then you’ll probably be up all night too.”
Farman gave her a grateful smile,
“Thanks for everything tonight Sheska-san…you’ve been so accommodating. I’ll have to reschedule so we can have a proper outing,” he said. Sheska smiled back and walked him to the door and waved goodbye before shutting the door. Farman ran down the hall and out of the building, calling a brief thanks to the landlady.
‘Well Havoc my old friend’ he thought as he ran ‘it’s all up to you now’
And indeed back in apartment number 169, the show had just begun.
and that's it for now...here and on ff.net. Currently I'm working on chapter 5, it's coming out very...interestingly...