Dragon Scholar (dragonscholar) wrote in fm_alchemist,
Dragon Scholar

Merry Christmas all!

A christmas poem combining a certain Homonculus, and a classic Dr. Seuss Book . . . and the fact that FMA fans are quite fond of their yaoi and the men in the series . . .

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Every Fangirl in Fanville liked Christmas a lot .
But Greed, who lived in Lab Five, Did NOT!
Greed hated Fangirls! The whole Christmas season!
Now, you may go ask why. You want to know the reason.
Don't say his glasses kept him from seeing right.
Don't say that, perhaps, his pants were too tight.
The truth that this hatred was born,
Was the sad fact he felt left out in their porn.
That was it, that terrible reason
He stood glaring at Fanville, hating the season.
Staring down from the labs with a sour, Greedy frown,
At the FMA fans giggling down in the town.
For he knew the Fangirls in this season of holly,
Were swapping fanfic, art, and much yaoi
He ranted, "Look at them, all so giggly and coy!"
"They're talking about Ed! Bradley! And Roy!"
"Do they love me? Why not in the least!"
"I just don't get it - I'm one sexy beast!"
For Tomorrow, he knew, the Fangirls down there
Would be exchanging their porn with no care!
It'd go on! Forever! They'd talk about Ed!
Ed! Ed! Ed!
Then, even worse! The talk about Roy!
Roy! Roy! Roy!
Then the fangirls, young and old, each one a fool,
Would sit and watch FMA, and they'd laugh, lust, and drool.
They'd lust after Havoc! They'd dream about Fury!
And for an episode with Envy they'd come in a hurry!
And THEN They'd do something Greed liked least of all!
Every Fangirl in Fanville, the big and the small.
Would gather together, each playing a part
Would trade their dojin, their porn, and fanart!
They'd trade! And they'd trade! And they'd TRADE!
And the more that Greed thought of this Christmas Swap Meet,
The more that he thought, "I've got to stop this, toot-sweet!"
"How long have I put up with it now?"
"I MUST stop this Christmas from coming! But HOW?"
Then he got an idea! An awful idea!
"I know just what to do!" Greed laughed in his throat.
And he made a quick Santa Claus hat and a coat.
And he chuckled and laughed, "What a real nasty trick!"
"With this coast and this hat I'm a studly Saint Nick!"
"All I need is a reindeer…" Greed then looked around.
But as he'd hocked them before, there were none to be found.
Did that stop Mr. Greed? No! He then simply said,
"If I don't have a reindeer, I'll make one instead!"
So he called Gluttony. Then he took some red thread,
And he tied a big horn dangling a ham on his head.
THEN He loaded some bags and some an old empty sack.
Then lashed an old sleigh to Gluttony, right on his back.
Then Greed said, "Giddap!" And the sleight started down
Towards the homes where the Fangirls lay asnooze in their town.
All their windows were dark. They weren’t on the net.
All the fangirls were all dreaming sick dreams, he'd bet.
When Greed came to the first fan house, he was all set.
"This isstop number one," the new Greedy Claus hissed.
And he climed to the roof, a big bag in each fist.
Then he slid downt he chiney, just like a snake.
He was slick and fast, he did it all in one take.
He didn't get stuck, not once, and in a moment or two,
Sneaky slithery Greed stuck his head out of the flue.
He saw the fangirl fan-swag, lying about willy-nilly
"Time to start stealing, " he grinned, "I'll rob them all silly"
Then he slithered and slunk, with his big Greedy smile,
Around the whole room, he stole the porn, nice or vile!
Dojin! Art! Sketches! Doodles!
Fanfic! Printouts! He just found oodles!
He stuffed them in bags. Then Greed, quite nimbly,
Stuffed each bag of swag right up the chimney!
Then he slunk to the computers, screwdriver in hand!
He stole each hard drive, and he felt quite grand!
He took all the backups, each burned CD!
He put them in bags, giggling with glee!
Then he stuffed all his take up the chimney flue!
"And NOW!" grinned Greed, "I'll take their videos too!"
And Greed went to a pile of tapes and DVDs.
When he heard a small voice saying "Excuse me, please?"
He turned around fast, and he saw a small fan!
Little Mary Ann Fan, who had just gone to the can.
Greed had been caught by this tiny fangirl.
She was obviously tired, her head in a whirl!
She stared at Greed and said, "Santy Clause, why,"
"Why are you taking our porn? Why?"
But you know, old Greed was so smart and so slick.
He thought up a lie, and it came quite quick.
"Why, my sweet little fan," the fake Santa Claus lied,
"Your porn is so simple, you need some more pride!"
"Your priorities, my dear, are just so inverted."
"So I'll fix it all up to make it more perverted!"
And his fib fooled the fangirl. Then he patted her hand.
He tucked her into bed, and sent her to dreamland.
And when Marry Ann Fan was in bed with her dreams.
Greed filled a sack with videos, until it burst at the seams.
The last thing he took was the FMA video game!
Then he went up the chimney, plotting more of the same.
And the fangirls? They'd never suspect he was to blame!
He'd taken everything sexy, every picture, every sketch.
He'd taken it all, that bitter, smiling wretch!
The he did the very same thing to each fangirl place!
Where there had been fanworks, there was just empty space!
It was a quarter past dawn… All the fangirls still a-bed.
All the fangirls still asnooze when he packed up his sled.
Packed it up with their art! Their yaoi! Their art!!
Their dojin! Their sketches! Each computer part!
He snuck it back to the remains of the lab.
He was planning a hide it beneath a big slab.
"Pooh Pooh to the fans!" he happily said.
"With no yaoi to trade, their Christmas is dead!"
"They're just waking up! I know what they'll do!"
"Their mouths will hang open a minute or two,
Then the fangirls in Fanville will all cry Boo-Hoo!"
"That's a noise," said old Greed, "I simply must hear!'
So he waited, and then looked at the porn stash, quite near.
He wondered, how bad, could the fanfic be?
"All that weird fanart, and none of it with me!"
So he glanced over at the porn he'd took.
And there Greed decided, "let's have a look!"
He looked at the pictures! He read the fanfic!
Some was quite pretty. Some was quite sick.
But the biggest surprise he never expected to see?
"Why there's porn here - and there's porn of me!"
"Why look!" Greed exclaimed happily and gladly.
"Here's a three-way with me, Lust, and Bradley!"
And he puzzled three hours, till his puzzler was sore.
Then Greed thought of something he hadn't before!
"Maybe fangirls," he thought, "have so much stuff"
"Because they love sexy guys - even I'm not enough!"
And what happened then? Well . . . in Fanville they say
That Greed's ego grew three sizes that day!
Greedy old Greed brought back his stash.
He landed in Fanville, with a merry old crash
"I now understand! Giving gifts! I see!"
"It's fun to give gifts! And the best gift is me!"


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