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10 December 2005 @ 05:08 pm
[FIC] "A merry-sue Christmas"  
Thanks to terrierlee I have been enlightened ad there fore need to reqrite my fic. BUT I WILL BE BACK! I WILL!
 
 
Terterrierlee on December 10th, 2005 11:21 pm (UTC)
Okay. I hope you don't mind if I'm harsh Pichu.

First off: The character is clearly you. You could have used some originality and made the character somewhut different than you. When I made that Planet of the FMApes, the only thing I made Camiella like me was the lack of friends and going on the internet.

Two: If she really DID go through the Gate, then she would have ended up in recent day Amestris, not Munich, Germany 1923. Get your facts right.

Three: How convient that she is found by Al. She could have been found by the landlady. Or Hughes. Or that dude who looks like King Bradley. But no. She was found by Al. Typical happening in a Mary-Sue fic.

Four: Pet Shop shouldn't be capitalized if it's not the name of the shop. Like Dount D's Pet Shop. THAT'S okay. You said have given the shop a name if nothing else.

Five: About Al's job. Hei worked on rockets. It would only make sense that Al would work on rockets as well so not to raise any suspicion about why Hei suddenly got grey eyes and whutnot.

Six: You used a face. "T.T" BAD. BAD PICHU. NO COOKIE. Faces are not to be used in fanfiction. I know. You use them a lot in IMs, but this is not an IM. Same with "Okie".

Seven: You instantly freak to Hughes appearing. Yes, we know. He's a Nazi. But why would you freak if he doesn't even know you're a Jew? Don't spazz so much when it's not necessary.

Aside from whut I stated above, I think you should fix your grammar and punctuation. That is all.
Terterrierlee on December 11th, 2005 12:19 am (UTC)
You know, you might wanna consider getting yourself a beta before trying anything else.