Rating: G (PG at most, in a few parts, but mostly G)
Pairings?: None. This is a gen/humor fic
Spoilers?: Well, maybe for anime!Pride, "That Person", and maybe anime!Sloth (Though if you've been following FMA on [adult swim], you'll probably know about her by now.), since they're in it. There's also a little part in it that sort of foreshadows something that happens in the movie, but's that's pretty much it. Other then that, it's AU, I guess, since everyone's alive and around at the same time. And they're in a house that you'd find in this era. So, they're definitely not in Amestris... o_o;; Yeah, don't ask about that. Plot holes~
Summary: Envy decides that the Homunculi (And "That Person.") should see what Thanksgiving is like. Well, let's just say, what occurs is quite amusing. One Shot.
Disclaimer: I do not own FullMetal Alchemist or any of its characters. They belong to Hiromu Arakawa, Square Enix, Bones, and FUNimation. I only own the idea of this fanfiction.
Envy was in the brightly lit parlor of a nice, modern household. How he obtained the house in the first place was unknown. Did he kill the family living there and bury their bodies in the backyard? Was the family just out on vacation, and Envy just broke into their house? Either way, the house was definitely not his, as pictures of a happy family of four were all over the house's walls, and on many of the tables. Envy was sitting on the staircase that wasn't far from the front door. He looked as if he was waiting for someone.
A few moments later, the doorbell rang. Envy opened the door, and Lust and Gluttony came in.
"Good evening." Envy greeted.
"Hello," Lust replied. "So, why did you invite all of us here?" she asked, as she started to look around the small parlor. "This place looks too... Cheery."
"Oh, you'll see," Envy declared, with a mischievous grin on his face. "You'll definitely see."
"Heh, you must be planning on doing something very nefarious to be this smug," Lust started. "Are you planning on having your revenge on anyone?"
"Oh, no! Of course not!" Envy stated. "I just brought everyone here for a fun little get together, honest!"
"Uh-huh, sure you did..."
While the couple was "talking" (Read: arguing), Gluttony was looking around at his surroundings, searching for anything that was even remotely edible.
"Can I eat it?" he asked, as he stared at a picture of a small Yorkshire terrier that was on one of the walls.
"No, Gluttony, you can't eat it."
A few more moments later, the doorbell rang again. Lust opened the door this time, and Sloth came in with Wrath trailing behind her. Greed, not far behind the two of them, also entered.
"Yo," Greed greeted. "It is freaking cold out there! It's also pretty hard to see outside, too."
"Well, maybe if you took your sunglasses off, you'd be able to see better." said Sloth.
Greed had a 'duuuuuh' look on face, and took off his sunglasses, even though he was late in doing so. "It must be those drinks I had a while ago kicking in..."
Sloth, obviously thinking What a dolt, just shook her head. Wrath giggled.
"Anyway, is everyone here?" Greed asked.
"No. We still have Pride and Dante-sama." Envy replied, irritated.
"Oh well, I might as well watch some T.V. Where's the living room?"
Envy did not reply, but instead pointed to the entrance of the living room. It was easy to spot the big-screened T.V. in it.
"Sweet!" Greed exclaimed. He walked into the room, sat on a chair, grabbed the T.V.'s remote and turned it on. "I wonder if there's any cable porn on."
"If there is, can I watch it with you?" asked Wrath.
"No, Wrath, you really don't want to watch those kind of things." Sloth said, although Greed looked as if he was about to reply with a "yeah, sure kid."
Just before Sloth could reply, there was a knock on the door.
"Oh, there's the door. Why don't you get that?"
"Okay!" Wrath ran up to the front door, and opened it.
Pride and Dante walked into the house. Envy grumbled when the two of them walked in, and then strode into a nearby room, mumbling something about knives and daggers.
"Welcome." greeted Sloth.
"Good evening." replied Dante.
"Yes, good evening." Pride added.
"Now that everyone's here, what now?", Lust asked, aiming the question at Envy, who was in the living room, holding what appeared to be a bowling ball over Greed's head. (Who indeed found cable porn, and was watching it with pure glee. Good thing Wrath was in the parlor with Sloth covering his ears.)
"Oh, yeah," Envy replied, pulling the bowling ball away from Greed's head and hiding it behind his back. "Er, well, come into the kitchen with me, and I'll tell you."
"And why do you want me to do this?"
"Because I told you to. Now get into the kitchen now!"
Envy was getting more then a bit annoyed. He stomped into the house's kitchen. Lust paused for a moment, shrugged, then proceeded to follow.
When Lust got into the kitchen, Envy told her what he wanted her to do.
"You want me to cook?"
"Yes, I want you to cook some food."
"But, why me?"
"Because you're a woman."
"Was that a sexist comment?"
"No, no, just a stereotyping one."
"Either way, I have no idea how to cook. How exactly are you expecting me to fix up anything to eat?"
Envy pointed to a pile of Thanksgiving cookbooks that were lying on a nearby counter.
"You can read those."
"But why don't you make Sloth cook? She's more likely to know how to, you know."
"Man, don't you ever stop complaining? Just cook for us, okay?"
At this, Envy walked out of the kitchen, but not before almost having an airborne frying pan hit the back of his head.
When Envy came out of the kitchen, the others asked what was going on.
"Well, I wanted us all to have a Thanksgiving dinner," he said. "I thought that it would be fun."
"Thanksgiving?" asked Greed.
"Yeah, it's a holiday where people go over to someone else's house and eat lots of food."
"Thanksgiving sounds good!" stated Gluttony. "Thanksgiving sounds good!"
About an hour or so later, the food was ready. Lust walked back into the living room. The others were playing monopoly in front of the T.V. (They forced Greed to turn it off.)
"Okay, guys, time for dinner." she announced.
"Oh man! And I was winning, too." stated Wrath.
The group got up and followed Lust over to the dining room, where the food was on the dinner table, waiting to be consumed.
Let's just say, the food was definitely anything but appetizing. Just about everything was completely burnt, even some of the foods that didn't even need to be cooked! There wasn't even a turkey!
But, despite this, the Sins (And Dante.) sat down anyway.
"So, who's hungry?" Envy asked, sarcastically. He started to poke the burnt mashed potatoes.
"Well, I'm sorry that I can't cook," Lust states. "This was my first time trying it, after all."
Envy knew this was directed at him, and rolled his eyes.
"At least the melons aren't burnt!" Pride cheerfully suggested. He took one of the melons out of the nearby bowl and started to eat it.
"Oh well. I don't think we were very hungry, anyway." Sloth said.
"I'm hungry! I'm hungry!" Gluttony declared.
"You're always hungry, Gluttony." Envy mocked, now whacking the cranberries with a spoon.
Gluttony's stomach growled, and he looked hungrily at Wrath. Wrath started to sweat, and had a very, very worried looked on his face. Well, more like an 'oh holy crap' look, but he was definitely worried.
"Don't eat me, don't eat me, don't eat me!" Wrath squealed. He hopped out off his seat and ran into the living room.
"He's not going to eat you, Wrath." Lust assured.
Wrath popped his head back into the dining room.
Wrath slowly walked back into the dining room and sat back in his seat.
"Okay," Greed said, slightly amused by this whole incident. "Football's on, so I'll just go watch that." He then walked out of the room.
"Football?" Wrath asked, curiously.
"It's a sport in which people in helmets fight over a ball and try to get it to their team's side of a playing field," Sloth states. "Quite barbaric, if you ask me."
"That sounds fun! I'll go watch it with Greed." He ran back into the living room and jumped onto the couch next Greed, who had just sat down.
"Eh, I might as well go watch this 'football', too," Envy uttered. "Dinner's ruined anyway." He strolled into the living room and sat on the couch next to Wrath. Envy refused to sit next to Greed. In fact, Envy was giving him death glares just about every five seconds or so.
Lust and Sloth looked at each other, shrugged, and went into the living room with the others and sat on armchairs, since the couch could only hold three people. (Maybe they were bored enough to watch football.) Dante and Pride thought that they were too good for football, so they went into another room in the house and played chess. And Gluttony... He stayed in the dining room. With the food.
The football game lasted for about two hours, maybe even three. Eventually, the red team won, even though the blue team was close in beating them. Envy was cheering for the blue team, while Greed was rooting for the red team. So, Envy was furious for two reasons. Lust even had to tie him up to one of the empty armchairs to keep him from brutally murdering Greed. Sloth was utterly amused by all of this, to the point of wishing she had brought a camcorder.
"Well well, all of this excitement as gotten me hungry," Green stated. "Let's go eat that burnt crap that isn't fit to be called food!"
Lust gave Greed a death glare of pure doom at this, which really freaked him out.
"I'm only kidding!"
The five sins walked back into the dining room. They all gasped in unison at the sight they saw. (That's rare, huh?) The food was all gone! Gluttony was in the middle of the table (Or what was left of the table, as the weight of the fat Homunculus easily broke it.), dozing off.
"The food..." whined Envy. "It's all gone!"
"And it's all because of that big pig!" growled Wrath. "I wanted to try to eat that pumpkin pie..."
"I worked hard on that food, too." said Lust.
"Hey, at least we don't have to clean up the food now." Greed declared.
"Hey, where'd Sloth go?" asked Envy.
Just then, they noticed that there was a smell of something cooking, something good cooking, coming from the kitchen. They sneaked into it, and show that Sloth was cooking something.
"See? I told you Sloth would be more likely to know how to cook." mumbled Lust, to Envy.
"Shut up already!"
"So, what are you making?" asked Wrath, who had walked out to her to see what she was doing.
"Turkey." she replied. "During that football game, I got bored of watching it, walked out, and bought a turkey for us at a grocery store. You guys didn't notice that I was gone?"
"... I didn't think so. I came back just before the game ended."
After a while (A few hours, maybe?), the turkey was finally done. The Homunculi were all over the house looking for something to do to pass the time, so it took Sloth a few minutes to find everyone and call them to dinner. Everyone was happy to finally get something to eat, since they were famished. They had to eat in the living room, since Gluttony was still in the dining room asleep, and they did not want him to eat their meal again. Oh, and Dante and Pride were still in the middle of their chess game, so they didn't come and eat.
Pride and Dante came back into the living room about halfway into the small feast that consisted of turkey and a few snacks from the fridge, with Pride announcing that he had won the game of chess, and with Dante miffed.
After they were finished, they were full. (Turkey can be quite filling!) And sleepy, since it had gotten pretty late. So, saying good night to each other, they all found somewhere in the house to sleep for the night.
The next morning, the family that lived in the house returned. It turned out that they went over to Grandma's house for Thanksgiving. They found the Sins (And Dante.) in different places in their home. Gluttony was still sleeping on the broken table, Greed was back in the living room watching cable porn (He stayed up all night watching it.), Wrath found a bedroom with another T.V. and some anime DVDs, spent most of the night watching Princess Tutu, and fell asleep on the floor, Sloth was in the upstairs bathroom, Lust was in the basement, Envy was outside in the backyard, and Dante and Pride were playing chess again.
"Who are you people?!" shrieked the owners of the house when they found the Homunculi (And... okay, this is getting old.), woke them up if they were asleep, and then dragged them to the parlor to question them. It's amazing that they managed to do this without getting eaten by Gluttony or beaten by Envy and Wrath.
"Uh, we're long lost relatives of yours! We came over to have Thanksgiving with you, but you weren't here, so we waited for you to come back." lied Envy.
"We're not buying it."
And at Envy's command, they ran past the family and out the door. (Though how they all managed to get out without breaking the door is still a mystery to this day.) The father of the family then ran to the phone and called the police, who came just a few minutes after being called.
Good thing they weren't caught!