Hungry Hungry Mongoose (nzmongoose) wrote in fm_alchemist,
Hungry Hungry Mongoose

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Crack fanfiction.

This idea popped into my head from nowhere and I had to get it out right away.

Title: Strange encounters.
Pairings: RoyxRiza. Kinda.
Warnings: Incredibly cheesy romance, some sexual references, illogical premise.

Riza sat at her desk, calmly humming as she carefully arranged the fragrant roses in an old vase. She hadn't used it in years, but she had washed it and put it out just for this occasion. Roy had gone through such a change over the past few days. With him usually determined to live up to his reputation as a wild womaniser, she had never noticed he could be such a sweetheart. But she knew it couldn't last. Sooner or later he would learn the truth.

Roy waltzed into the office with a spring in his step that was considered by many to be an impossibility for him this early in the morning. He immediately turned his attention towards the cheerful blonde woman, and slid himself up to her desk.

"Good morning, First Lieutenant." he spoke with an air of rich elegance. It made her heart skip a beat.

"Good morning, Colonel." she replied, with no change in expression or focus.

"So..." Said Mustang, scouring his mind for any subject of small talk. "Do you have my paperwork ready for today?"

"Mm-hmm." came the reply. "I left it on your desk."

Roy made his way over to where the pile sat, casually picking up the top form and pretending to scan it as if he cared. Riza took this time to look up at him.

"Thank you for last night." she said. "It was really special."

"It was no problem." he answered. "You deserve a chance for some fun."

"To be honest..." She was blushing at this point. "I've never had a shag like that in my life."

Roy just looked back over his shoulder with a smile that made her heart melt. "You were pretty good yourself."

"Roy... there's something you should know."

He raised an eyebrow at this, and turned to face her completely.

"I'm not what you think I am." she continued, rising to her feet. Suddenly, her body began to change, bit by bit. Her clothes morphed to become tighter and more revealing, her hair grew longer and changed to a deep green, and her body changed to become like that of a slim boy's. "It was me the whole time." Envy said with a wide grin.

"No!" Roy yelled, falling back onto his desk. "You... that... that's impossible!"

"Oh?" teased Envy, taking a more seductive pose. "And why is that?"

"Because..." Roy began to explain with a quivering voice. He too began to change, becoming thinner and more feminine until his form was the same. "I'm Envy!"

"Wait... but... huh?" The Riza-Envy stammered. "That doesn't make sense!"

"I know..." said the Roy-Envy with an expression of complete bewilderment.

"Well... this is just awkward, isn't it?" spoke Riza-Envy.

"You're telling me." replied the Roy-Envy. "I think I'll just pretend you don't exist."

"Good idea." decided Riza-Envy, who started carefully creeping his way out of the room. The remaining Envy just stood staring for a moment, blinked, and turned to climb out the window, trying to put the whole thing out of his head.
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