Fluorescens (fluorescens) wrote in fm_alchemist,

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First post!

Hi all! *waves*

New to this community, and I come bearing a gift. Heh.

Im not that familiar (unlike some gurus here) with the FMA anime/manga itself, so if some information is wrong, pls kindly let me know!

Title: Cigarettes.
Fandom: Full Metal Alchemist
Pairing: Havoc/Riza
Rating: PG-13

Time-frame is set after episode 51, in which Roy loses his left eye from the gone-mad Archer Frank and Havoc's legs are paralyzed by Lust. And Riza for the first time, appears in civilian clothes. Time-line is a bit wonky though.

He stared at the window-frame.

The nurse had opened the windows; the cheap white cottony-curtains was flapping a little against the glass panes while a cool morning draft blew into the single ward that was especially 'isolated' for Second Lieutenant Jean Havoc.

Yes, Havoc felt isolated, very isolated and lonely. His thoughts involuntarily drifted to her, and how she might give him a smirk because he could not smoke in his ward. But the momentary happiness faded away as soon as the rest of 'her' set into his mind. Havoc sat on the thin bed for a long while, in the silence of his room with nothing for company except the gray morning. His mind was full of her; the exchanged looks, the unspoken words, her guns, her body, and her face every time he caught her eye.

Havoc sighed softly in defeat; he longed to step into the house of her heart, but there was already someone else. He longed to hold her in his arms, to soothe away the hidden pain and to allay any of her worries.

But he knew that the Colonel's words were the best balm Riza could ever had, because she loved him, and not he. The Colonel would hold her, would possess her and would take care of her, Havoc hoped.

He looked down at his thighs that were hiding beneath the white hospital blanket; would he be paralyzed forever? When could he return to the team? When would he be able to work beside his revered Colonel, and her?

Havoc felt like smashing his head against some solid wall. He contended for slapping his palm against his forehead.

How does one go against one's conscience, or against one's loyalty and trust for a good friend and superior? Or, along with his heart's desires and wishes?

His eyes reverted back to the window-sill, where an ugly sparrow had landed on it and started to sing. He thought that it sounded horrible, and the chirps were as ugly as the bird itself. But the sparrow could fly, could move to anywhere it pleases, and he could not. He could be bound to this bed, or a wheelchair forever. And despite all the negative thoughts he had against the Colonel and her, he wanted to be back with them. They were like his family, whether he liked it or not.

The Colonel trusted him with his life and his secret goal to become the Fuhrer; yet Havoc had slept with Riza.

She trusted him that he would not say a single thing to Roy, but Havoc wanted to tell Roy about the sleepless nights that Riza had and how he had somehow became a substitute for him when that bastard was out gallivanting with some women and breaking her crystal heart.

"Damnit," Havoc realized that even when Riza was sleeping under his arms, he was still working for his Colonel. Day and night, in and out. And despite all the efforts he had put in, he suspected that Riza felt nothing else for him other than guilt. Havoc did not want that at all; he wanted to snatch Riza from Roy because she was too good for him, too good for any ambitious bastards who only had their eyes fixed on the skies above.

Too good, even for himself.

But, Riza loved Roy. And Havoc loved Riza, and Roy too.

Havoc closed his eyes; he could almost see the hunched form of Riza leaning against the window-sill, her blonde hair paled further by the dark moonless night and the sad expression that was always on her face when she was with him.

Was she thinking of Roy? Or did she feel bad for the way she had used him? Havoc could never figure it out, because he could not bring himself to ask. After they had given themselves to each other, as much as they could, Riza would always creep out from the bed and stared out from the window. And he would always remain on the bed, quietly looking at her still form as her eyes held that faraway gaze that he hated.

No words would be exchanged, and he would patiently wait until she was tired from standing, thinking, or waiting. Riza would make her way back to his bed, pull out the cigarette dangling from his mouth, stub it into the ash tray and sleep. And he would always have a cheeky smile ready for her slightly frowning face and held her tightly as she slept with her back to him. Sometimes she cried, and sometimes, he cried. But it was always in silence, since both did not really want to acknowledge each other's unspoken fear and pain.

She knew that he wanted her, and she knew that it was impossible. Havoc knew all of that, yet there was nothing he could do other than to offer what he could through his body and hugs. Her kisses were always brief and never deep, and he understood why.

"Ohayou gozaimasu First Lieutenant!!"

Havoc was jerked out from his train of thoughts as the guards posted outside his ward greeted her. He quickly ran a hand through his untidy hair and lifted his fingers to his mouth-

There was no cigarette to hide from her, anymore, he realized painfully.

The door opened and Riza walked in, to a Jean Havoc that already had his brightest smile plastered on his face. He wanted to give her a genuine smile, but it was hard.

"Ohayou First Lieutenant! So what brings you here?" He noted that she was wearing a skirt, and heels, and had let her hair down, all for him.

Riza smiled a little at his cheerful facade and sat down on the uncomfortable wooden chair beside his bed. It was a little odd to see him in the white polka-dotted hospital gown, since he was always either in the military uniform or naked before her. She pushed away the awkward thoughts and asked, "How are you doing Havoc? I've just returned from visiting the Colonel."

"Ah... so how's he doing?" Havoc smiled outwardly, even though he was wishing that Roy would just die and leave Riza to him. But of course, he didn't really want his Colonel to die, since both of them needed him, in various and different ways.

Her voice dropped an octave, "He's alive. But... his left eye..."

He had already known what had happened, and decided not to push it further. He wanted to talk to her, about anything but him. Without thinking, Havoc held her hands and gave her another of his bright cocky smile, "You look fabulous in this white shirt today, with your hair let down like that..."

Her eyebrows went up a little and she instantly clapped her hand over his mouth while giving him a no-nonsense glare as she whispered fiercely, "Havoc!"

The Second Lieutenant expected this reaction and pushed her hand away, "I know, I know... its amazing that he's not dead from Archer's bullet..."

Riza frowned; what was he trying to get at? Did he not care for Roy, at all?

"And the both of us are handicapped now, what an irony..." Havoc continued and looked into her pretty bright eyes; What a beautiful, deadly colour.

"Havoc..." Riza took a deep breath and paused for a while on whether she should say or not.

He folded his arms across his chest and frowned, "What? Riza, you never hesitate. We are snipers, we don't hesitate. Shoot."

She knew that he was right, so she continued, "Havoc, we... cannot go on like this anymore..."

He wanted to laugh outright, "Why? Is it because I can't move now? We can't have sex anymore?"

Riza's eyes rounded and before she knew it, she had slapped him. "Second Lieutenant!"

Havoc rubbed the stinging cheek and smirked, "Why? Scared that other people might know about us? Scared that he might discover? Does he even like you Riza? Tell me, does he hold you the way I do? Does he kiss you the way I do? Does he even care for you the way I do? Does he, does he?"

Riza stood up, not understanding why Havoc had suddenly changed into another person and turned to leave when her wrist was caught by his hand firmly.

"Riza, I'm sorry. I'm sorry, please stay with me..." Havoc closed his eyes and used whatever strength he had to hold her back.

Her lips thinned as she took her seat and flung his hand away, "Havoc, he has... hinted that he likes me."

Hinted? Was she satisfied with a hint? He let out a silent cruel laugh. So much for all the efforts he had put in, so much for all the pain and heartache he had gone through alone.

"I see... So he has finally realized that he needs you, as much as you need him," Havoc mumbled. Riza stared at him, wondering whether he had gone mad and asked softly, "Havoc, are you alright?"

The Second Lieutenant looked up from the blanket that was too white and too clean for his dirty past and pleaded with his eyes, "Can I... hold you again..?"

Her lips parted at his request and he looked away, "I know, forget about it. I'm being unreasonable."

Both remained silent for a while until Riza quietly moved to sit on his bed, and wrapped her arms around his shoulders, "Jean... I'm sorry..."

Havoc wanted to cry, but he could not. So he hugged her as tightly as he could and buried his face into her hair which always smelt of gunpowder and cold metal. It was his favourite scent, actually, because it reminded him of her. At that moment when he was able to hold her again, he wished that he had not met Roy, or her, or volunteered for the military. Yet at the same time, his pain rose up to his throat and all the words he had wanted to tell her for so long simply died there.

Havoc wanted to tell Riza that he loved her, as much as she loved Roy. He wanted to tell her that he really did not mind being the substitute, as long as she would turn to him if she got lonely or hurt or rejected. He wanted to bring her to shows, to fancy dinners, to walk Black Hayate and...


Her one word held so much meaning that he thought his heart would burst. Havoc let go of his arms, fully knowing well that this was the last time he would be able to hold her, and to hear her calling his first name. She was never a very tender person, and he knew that their parting would be simple, clean, and hurtful.

Riza opened her eyes and pulled away from his warm body; Havoc still smelled of cigarettes and of smoke. Roy smelled of smoke, too. She knew that she had hurt him deeply, but she also knew that he would not show it. It was not her place to comfort him, and she had fulfilled her duty to him by apologizing. There was another place for her to go, another person that needed her more, another man that she was willing to lay her life down for.

Another woman will come, he'll get over it, Riza assured herself and placed a chaste kiss on his cool cheeks.

"Roy needs me, I want to protect him. Goodbye Jean," and she left the ward.

Havoc remained upright until he could no longer hear her footsteps. He fisted in the blankets and squeezed his eyes shut.

"I want to protect you too... Riza... but..."

He let himself fell back onto the creaky bed and thought of how she had fell asleep in his arms, on his bed and under his head. He thought that he should at least have a cigarette dangle on his lips; he yearned for her to take it away from him because that action solely belonged to them, and had nothing else to do with the Colonel.

Havoc cursed Roy, and cried silently, because he knew that he could never betray him, or her again.

I wrote this sometime ago, when I was listening to "Au Revoir" by Gackt. Comments are mucho appreciated. This is also posted on fanfiction.net (but its overloaded now so no link)

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