fmajunkie (fmajunkie) wrote in fm_alchemist,

Tainted: Aru x Hei Fanfiction.

Title: Tainted
Genre: Angst
Rating: NC-17
Pairings: AruXHei, implied EdoXAru
Word Count: 3891
Warnings: vauge end of series and movie spoilers, violence, sexual content (noncon)
One of my first attempts at a fanfic. I am actually quite angry with myself for this one *slaps self* I am such a terrible person for writing this ><
It's written in Aru's POV. Enjoy ^^
Summary: His pale skin seemed to glow in the dim light of the room, like white satin soft and pure. The irony made me laugh out loud. So he would pretend to be naive? He would pretend not to know that he was taking the most precious thing in my life away from me? So be it. He wouldn't be so soft and pure when I was through with him. He would become a shell of a person. Tainted with sin, just like me.

For as long as I could remember, brother and I were inseparable. We protected each other, took care of each other, and though it went unsaid we loved each other. Even through all of the rough times we had trying to restore our bodies, we were close. Even when I was a bodiless soul encased in a hollow shell of steel, brother was my only comfort. When brother died, I couldn't imagine life without him, so naturally bringing him back was my only choice. I suppose it was the same for him when he sacrificed himself to bring me back. Two long years I waited for him. Two long years just hoping and wishing to see him again. When we were reunited it seemed too good to be true. Finally, we would have what we had been striving for. We could be together at last after everything that had happened. Just brother and me. Then he came along. Slowly at first, then more and more as time passed by, brother was slipping away from me. It wasn't fair. I was the one who had suffered. I was the one who loved brother more than anything. Despite all of that I was being replaced, and by a generic rip off of myself no less. It killed me to see them together, and yet seeing a smile on brother's face again was worth it for me to tolerate him, as sickening as it was. And so I just sat idly by, watching as another man stole brother's heart and love away from me. It should have been me, not him! It should have been me...

It was like any other day. It was frigid outside, and our small Munich apartment seemed even more so. Brother and that ridiculous imitation were sitting on the couch, bodies entwined as they shared a book. I could feel my eyes burning with hatred as I watched them. It was the little things that bothered me the most, really. The way brother's cheeks flushed with color whenever he was near. The way brother oh so slightly snuggled down against his chest as they spent another lazy afternoon laying in each other's arms. Brother would have me believe it was because of the cold, but I knew better. No matter how cold it got he would never let me hold him in my arms in such a way. Even worse were the expressions on the counterfeit me's face. Smug grins, lazy smirks, and sideways glances under half closed lids; almost as if he were undressing Edward in his mind. The thought made me sick. How dare he think of brother in such a way? How dare he have that face? It was becoming more than I could take. As the hatred for him smoldered within me, Edward must have noticed my staring. He smiled at me slightly and rose from his place on the couch, leaving the imitation with a slightly disappointed look on his face.

"Something wrong Al? You look upset about something," Edward commented nonchalantly as he stepped past me into the kitchen. As brother walked past, I caught his scent in the air and a shiver ran down my spine. I wondered for a split second if his tawny skin tasted as sweet as it smelled. I shook it off quickly and forced a smile as he returned from the kitchen with a glass of water in hand. He took a few sips and offered me the rest. I took it and drank greedily, careful to place my lips on the glass precisely where his had been.

"No brother, I'm fine. I was just thinking that it is Monday. We need to go to the market, we are almost completely out of food," and my statements were true. It was Monday, which had somehow become the unofficial day for shopping. But really I guess my motives for bringing it up were a lot more complex than that. "You should send Heiderich out to get some things, otherwise we won't be having much for dinner tonight," I refused to call him by the name that we shared. Calling him Al or Alfons would just be too much for me. Even his last name left a bitter taste in my mouth.

"Sure Al," the imitation said with a smile as he stood and stretched. What right did he have to call me that anyway? I glared at him momentarily, then quickly shifted my eyes out the window before he noticed. Heiderich made it half way across the room to get his coat when he was wracked by another one of his coughing fits. Always with the coughing. Why couldn't he just go ahead and die? I had to fake a cough of my own to cover the smile that grew across my face as Heiderich spat blood from his disgusting lips into his handkerchief.

"Alfons? Are you alright?" Ed said with concern as he rushed over to Heiderich. I had to stare at the floor to keep from rolling my eyes right out of their sockets. Brother helped the imitation over to the couch and brought him a glass of water. "You don't need to be out in the cold, Alfons. I'll go. Besides, you can keep Al company," Ed shifted his eyes towards me with a slight smile. Why did he have to be so beautiful? And why did I have to be the one to stay home and babysit that pathetic degenerate? I tried my hardest to force a smile back at brother, but all that I could muster was a blank stare. " Keep an eye on him?" Edward whispered as he reached for his coat. It seemed that my plan to spend some alone time with brother had backfired once again. Now I was stuck spending my evening with Heiderich. Maybe he'd drown in his own blood before Edward returned. Wouldn't that be an entertaining sight? I sighed and shook the devious thoughts from my mind.

"Yeah, whatever," I muttered as Ed headed out the door. I shifted my gaze over to the sad excuse for a human being that occupied the couch. His blue eyes caught mine as I stared at him, my blood running cold and a thousand horrible thoughts running through my head. He must have mistaken the loathing in my eyes for concern.

"I'm fine, Al. Your brother just makes too much out of nothing," Hearing my name coming from his mouth made the hair on the back of my neck stand up. Gritting my teeth I forced myself to nod at him as I turned to leave the room. "Hey... um... Al, I just wondered... Well, do you... I mean did I do something to make you angry with me?" He had a lot of nerve asking questions like that, and I wouldn't lie to him. If he really wanted to know, I would tell him. I would tell him everything.

"No. I'm not angry with you. I just hate you. In fact to be quite truthful, you make me sick," were those words coming from me? There is something to be said for self control, but at that point I just didn't have any. I wanted to hurt him. I mean really hurt him. I wanted to see him in the kind of pain that I had lived through, that brother had lived through. He didn't deserve Ed's affection. "You think I haven't noticed? The way you both curl up on the couch, twisting your bodies together? And the way you look at him? What right do you have to undress him with your eyes like that? I am the one that went through hell for him. I am the one who gave up everything for him. Keep your hands off of him...the next time I catch you looking at him that way, I swear..." I bit my tongue and fought back tears of anger. Before I knew what I was doing I had hit him hard across the face. He looked like a wounded animal, staring up at me with wide eyes, wiping the blood from the corner of his mouth with his sleeve. The fear in his eyes was slightly amusing. Actually, to be truthful, it was almost arousing.

"I... I'm sorry Al, I didn't realize you felt that way about Edward-" I cut him short with another blow to the chin. I heard him sob quietly as he stifled a cough. I wondered if the blood dripping down his face was from the blow I had delivered to his jaw or his pathetic condition.

"Didn't realize? Or didn't care? Don't think I don't know what you are doing. You are taking him from me, a little each day... I can't.. I won't allow it!" I growled as I wrapped my hands around his throat. A strange sensation came over me as a garbled cry escaped his lips. I wanted to hurt him... and I would. I would make him regret the day he ever laid eyes on my brother. I tore his shirt away with one quick motion, buttons popping loose and scattering across the floor. I could almost taste his fear, and it was delicious. His pale skin seemed to glow in the dim light of the room, like white satin soft and pure. The irony made me laugh out loud. So he would pretend to be naive? He would pretend not to know that he was taking the most precious thing in my life away from me? So be it. He wouldn't be so soft and pure when I was through with him. He would become a shell of a person. Tainted with sin, just like me.

"Alphonse...please!" His cries were like sweet music. I threw his body to the ground with ease, shoving his face flat against the cold hard floor. What was I doing? I wasn't sure. But I didn't have anything left to lose. He was taking everything from me. My face, my name, my beloved brother, everything that belonged to me he had stolen. For that he deserved to be punished. At that moment, it didn't matter to me that what I was doing was immoral, cruel, and most of all twisted. All that mattered was that he would pay for stealing my life. He was sobbing uncontrollably now as I pinned his fragile body down and roughly stripped the remainder of his clothing from his lanky frame. I straddled his naked trembling body and leaned forward to whisper in his ear.

"What's wrong Heiderich? Isn't this what you wanted? Oh that's right, you're getting it from the wrong Elric," I entwined my fingers in his short blonde hair and pulled, forcing his body to arch against the floor. He cried out, begging for me to stop. "What's wrong? Floor cold? Why don't you just imagine it's my brother's fake limbs on your body? Wouldn't that make it better?" I spat as I slammed his head flat against the ground once more. Was this really me? It felt like I was someone else entirely. I guess jealousy and rage have a way of making you do things you would otherwise never even think of. A wonderful excuse, but I was enjoying it too much to chalk it off to an emotional outburst. I hesitated for a moment before loosening my own belt. I could have stopped then, but what is one more sin? I was sure I'd be condemned to hell anyway. He cried out in pain and clawed at the floor as I forcibly entered him. I had no room left in my heart for remorse or sympathy. I relished every sensation as he trembled beneath me. Crying out in vain for me to stop. I violated him completely, holding him down and forcing myself deeper. After a few minutes, Heiderich defeatedly lay beneath me putting up very little resistance. The sound of hard breathing and the occasional sob seemed to consume the entire room. I'm not sure how much time passed. I went into a daze after a while, and it almost seemed as if I were dreaming. If it hadn't been for my brother's anguished cries piercing the room, I might not have even noticed the door opening. Edward stood in the doorway for a moment, a look of complete horror on his beautiful face. What have I done?

"Alphonse!? What are you doing!?" He pushed me off of Heiderich and draped his coat over him, pulling the pathetic creature into his arms. Edward cradled him like a wounded animal and looked at me with eyes full of pain. "How could you do this? Why would you..." brother fell to pieces before my very eyes. He clutched the boy who shared my face tight in his arms, crying against his hair, apologizing to him for my sin. His eyes locked on to mine, and they almost seemed to be pleading with me, as to why I would do such a thing. He very gently let go of Heiderich and walked towards me. He looked at me with disbelief, gently brushing his fingers over my cheek before clenching them into a fist. He hit the floor hard with his prosthetic arm, and collapsed at my feet. "Why..." his voice was nothing more than a strained whisper. "If you want to hurt someone hurt me! HURT ME!" I could feel my heart breaking as brother looked up at me with tears in his eyes. He took my hand in his and placed it on his chest. "Go on Al... DO IT! If you want so badly to hurt someone hurt me... Go on. Take me the way you did Alfons... Break me Al..." his tears dripped off his chin and landed on my arm, one by one. "Don't want to do that Al? Why don't you hit me then?" His voice was soft but wavering. He crumbled, clenching his fists as he lay on the floor. He looked over at Heiderich who was wrapped up in his jacket, staring off into the distance at everything and nothing all at the same time. "It should have been me... not him... It should have been me..." His words were painfully familiar. "If you wanted to hurt someone it should have been me..."

I'm not sure why I ran, I guess it was the coward in me. I had done a horrible thing, and yet I felt no remorse other than the pain it had caused brother. I couldn't face him... not now. So I did the only thing I knew to do. I ran. I didn't know Munich that well, and so it wasn't long until I found myself wandering the streets completely lost. I kept walking for hours, wondering if brother would ever forgive me. Had I really become so cold? It hadn't really sunk in as to what I had done. And even if it had, I am not so sure it would have bothered me horribly. I found myself sitting by a lake somewhere thinking back to my childhood. Remembering all of the times brother and I had squabbled, usually over nonsense. I had always run off and sat by the water... be it a river, lake, or pond, the water had always been my comfort until brother would come find me and tell me that it was time to go home. Our fights always ended that way. Brother would never apologize, and he didn't have to. We had an unsaid mutual understanding that when he came to find me it meant that everything would be ok. Dawn was approaching before I realized that this time he wouldn't try to find me; and this time it wouldn't be ok. I guess I didn't blame him, either. I continued to wander for a while longer before finally finding my way home, if you could call the tiny apartment such a thing. I was surprised to find the apartment completely empty. I checked around for a note... something; but there was no such thing to be found. I sat alone on the couch and stared at the door, wondering just how I was going to face the both of them when they got home. Facing Heiderich would be no problem, but Edward would be another story. I couldn't handle him looking at me with that hurt look again.

I sat there for hours, beginning to worry a bit. It was starting to get dark now, and still no sign of brother. Had he become so angry with me about what I had done that he'd left me? Surely not. Granted, what I'd done was terrible, but brother would never leave me. He would always forgive me eventually, no matter what I did, right? I wanted to believe that, but as the clock kept on ticking I began to doubt myself. At some point I fell asleep as I sat on the couch and waited. My sleep was plagued by vague dreams and awful nightmares. In my dreams I could see myself, a hollow suit of armor with no body. I somehow wonder if maybe I was more human then. Had I really changed so much? I was roused from my sleep by the ringing of the phone.

"Hello?" Before brother even said a word I knew it was him on the line.

"Al... It's me. I'm...I'm at the hospital," my heart skipped a beat...was brother hurt? Did he do something reckless in his anger? "Alfons is...he's dead," I heard my brother's voice crack, followed by a soft sob. For the first time since my body had been restored, I felt truly hollow and empty.

"...what do you mean? Dead?" It was a stupid question on my part. I'm not really sure what was going through my mind at that point.

"He... he went into shock, Al. He went into shock because of what you...because of what was done to him. The trauma aggravated his condition and he had another one of his coughing spells. Only because of the shock... he choked. He couldn't breathe... he just looked at me with fear in his eyes... and I couldn't do anything," and my heart sank as I heard his words. I hadn't meant to kill him. Sure I had thought about it, but I would never do such a horrible thing! But then again. I suppose I thought I never would have done a lot of the things I had done in the past 24 hours. But once brother was able to cope with the loss, he would be mine again. It would be just me and him, once he was able to forgive me. I was sure he would, or he wouldn't have called, right? I should have felt sadness, or at least guilt. But all I felt was anticipation at the thought of starting over again with no imitation to steal brother away from me. "He drowned in his own blood... and all I could do was watch... by the time the ambulance arrived he was gone. The paramedics tried to revive him all the way to the hospital... the doctors tried... it was just too late. He died and I couldn't save him,"

"Brother..." I wanted to comfort him, I truly did. But realistically, I knew he wasn't ready to forgive me just yet. So I sat in silence listening to brother's anguished crying. "Are you coming home?" the question may have been a little tasteless considering the situation, but I needed to see his face. I needed to look at him and see that softness in his amber eyes; to know that everything would be alright.

"Not now... I need to think for a while," his voice was now cold and distant. "I'll be home before morning, don't try to wait up," and with that I heard the routine sound of a soft click followed by a dial tone. I glanced over at the couch and wondered if that exact spot was where he lay while dying.

After an hour or so of laying on the couch, staring at the door just waiting for Edward's return, I defeatedly retired to my bed for some sleep. Maybe I would awake finding it had all been a dream. Even if I did, I'm not sure it would change the fact that I was becoming a monster. Jealousy was a terrible thing that caused good people to commit atrocious deeds; at least I liked to tell myself after all that I had done I was still a good person deep down. Lying to myself didn't help me feel like any more of a man. After some time I found myself being awakened by the sound of heavy footsteps in the hall. At first I was a bit relieved to know that brother had returned home to me. That relief was quickly replaced by panic. Just how would I face him now? As the door to my room opened a small beam of light penetrated the darkness. I pretended to be fast asleep.

" I.. I don't know why you did what you did, Al. But I'm sure somehow it was my fault. Everyone I care about is taken from me in one way other another. I lost the two most important people in my life tonight," his words cut deeply. Why did brother always have to take the blame for everything? "Whatever I did to cause you to... be this way. I don't know Al, I don't know where that sweet innocent person went. I think I lost you a long time before I lost Alfons... I just didn't realize it," his voice cracked, and the silence in the room was deafening. I clenched my eyes shut, determined not to let him know I was awake. The silence was shattered with that horrible sound. Was it alchemy? No, not in this world. It was a gunshot. "I'm so sorry..." and his words were cut short by the sound of his limp body hitting the floor. I turned to find him, my beautiful brother, laying on the floor at the foot of my bed. Through my tears the pool of blood around his small body looked like a terrible black hole, consuming him. I rushed to him, cradling his lifeless body in my arms. His vibrant gold eyes were cold and empty. His face was frozen in an eternal expression of regret. What had I done? Oh god, what had I done?

The gun was still clenched in his prosthetic hand. I wasn't sure where he had gotten it, but I knew that however he had obtained it, he only had one purpose in mind. It felt like I was dying. I held his body close and screamed out his name. Please don't leave me? Please Ed don't leave me now...

Jealousy. Anger. Rage. These are all horrible things. But not horrible enough to justify my sin. I clutched him tightly and kissed his face. I had betrayed the only person in my life that mattered. As I gently removed the gun from his hand, holding the cold steel against my temple I could only think one thing. It should have been me, not him... it should have been me...


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