tsukisprite (tsukisprite) wrote in fm_alchemist,

Ed and the TV of doom.

This was originally posted on my ff.net account..it's still continuing there by the way XD And this was made way before watching the rest of the FMA series ^_^;; The only warnings are major crossovering and a few character bashing ^_^; Also....gothkitty is my ff.net name..so....yeah........I own none of the characters and each character appearing belong to their respected creators.

Channel Hopping

Chapter 1: What is it?

The situation was simple enough and yet nobody knew how it got there. Edward Elric suggested that Winry might have made it, but after a very long excited phone conversation from Winry the blonde alchemist decided to ignore the subject.

So there it sat. On First Lieutenant Hawkeye's desk. The squarish object was as big as a large box, which was black in color with a blackish glass screen and buttons on the bottom.

"So what the hell is it?" Said Ed as he stared at the weird black object in a bored fashion.

Hawkeye studied the odd misshapen cube before noticing the long cord and plug attatted to it.

"It must work on electricity if there's a plug"

"Maybe we should just dump it." Said Fury who poked at the odd box.

"No way! Let's plug this baby in and see what it can do!" Said Huges excitedly.

"You do realise that if it's some kind of bomb we're all going to die." Retorted Mustang; giving the object a wary look.

"This a bomb? Why would a bomb have a plug?"

Mustang shrugged.

"As Hawkeye said, it probably runs on electricity."

Huges stepped back from the object and thought for a moment. After a while he shrugged slightly and grabbed the large box, only to place it on a table near the plug outlet.

A large grin appeared on his face as he placed the plug into the outlet. Rubbing his hands together he pressed a button that read 'power' and waited.

His grin disappeared and his head slumped in defeat. On the screen nothing showed but a annoying hissing sound and white specks that spazmatically danced across the screen.

"Ano...Is it supposed to do that?" Asked Al who had just come in a few seconds ago.

"Maybe it's broken." Said Havoc; now inspecting the plug.

"Fullmetal, why don't you fix it?" Asked Mustang. The blonde alchemist gave his superior a look.

"Why me?"

"Because your'e the only one who can preform alchemy without a transmutation circle." Replied the flame alchemist smirking his oh so smug smirk.

Ed shot Mustang a look before sighing and standing up from his seat.

"Fine.fine.. But if we end up getting blown up to bits I’m blaming this on you!”

Ed clapped his hands then placed them on the box’s plastic cover. Nothing happened. Ed raised a surprised eyebrow, gave a look to his superior and shrugged.

“Must be working if nothing changed.”

Soon the glass screen went blank before a couple of lines began to show. Hughes, Mustang, Fury and Hawkeye stared at the screen in curiosity. The short scilence was broken when a crash sounded behind them.


The four whirled around to see Ed staring at his hand in shock, as the artificial limb began to disinigrate into thin air. Before the young alchemist could utter a yell of surprise he felt an odd sensation wash over him and had the feeling of being pulled back at a very fast and sharp pace. The last thing he remembered before everything went dark was a pair of large hands grabbing onto his feet.

Huges, Hawkeye and Fury stared at the box in absolute shock. Not only the the thing suck up the Elric brothers, but it also took Mustang.

Fury was the first to recover.

“What just happened?”

“I believe it ate Mustang, Ed and Al....” Replied Huges numbly, still in the effects of shock.

“How can a machine eat a human being?” Asked Hawkeye equally numb.

“Maybe it’s a government experiment.” Said Huges quietly.

The three were brought out of their stupor when the screen fizzed and crackled a bit before a clear picture showed up. On the screen was none other then The Fullmetal Alchemist, who was laying face down in a small room.

“I have a feeling this might take a while...” Said Fury tiredly and pulled up a chair from his desk to sit infront of the box. Hawkeye and Huges followed his action and also sat infront of the object.

“So...How are we going to get them out?” Huges shrugged at Hawkeye’s.

“Don’t know....I’m guessing they have to do it on there own....”

Channel Hopping

Chapter 2:The alien who's a spaz

Ed groaned in pain as he stood up from his place on the floor. Around him was a weird looking room with a very creepy painting of a monkey that hung over a couch.

"Where the hell am I?" Muttered Ed, a bit freaked out at the weird looking room. The Fullmetal Alchemist then grinned when he spotted another of those weird boxes. He was about to clap his hands when...


Ed whirled around to see a very short green skin creature, with large blood red pupiless eyes pointing at him with a black gloved hand. Next to the alien was a little robot.

"But master. You didn't say to gaurd the tv.."

The 'master' smacked a hand to his forehead and growled at 'GIR'

"You know what I ment GIR!!" He then pointed again at Ed in a dramatic stance. "Who are you human? TELL ME!!!"

Ed raised an eyebrow.

"Ed Elric...Who the hell are you?"

The small alien then laughed insanely and choked for a while before going back to cackling.

"Fool! Do you not know who I am? I AM ZIM!!! An Irken invader who will soon rule your disgusting planet and make all you pathetic little stink beasts my human slaves!!!!!!! AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

A sweat drop formed on the back of Ed's head when Zim continued to laugh insanely.

Ed slowly backed up towards the tv.

"Where do you think you're going earth monkey?"

"Earth monkey?" Repeated Ed slightly disturbed.

"I'm not letting you out of this house. You'll probably tell all my secrets to that stupid other earth monkey Dib.."

"Who the hell is Dib?"

"Nice try little earth monkey. But you're not getting away that easily. GIR UNLEASH THE WEASELS!!!!!"

"OKIE-DOKIE!!" Screeched Gir as he pressed a button on the wall next to him.

The floor by the kitchen door gave way and dozens of rapid looking weasels pounced out and ran towards Ed.

In the mean time Ed's eye twitched slightly, he clapped his hands and gave a peeved look at Zim.

"Who are you calling a flea who can be barely seen without stepping on it?!!!!!!" Ed t hen placed his hands on the ground and a bunch of spikes erupted from the floor, scaring the rabid weasel, and causing them to attack Zim instead.

Zim emitted a girly like scream as he was immediately buried under a large moving ball of furry rapid weasels, while GIR laughed insanely.

Ed sweatdropped and surveyed the damage. Whistling a small tune he clapped his hands once again, placed them on the tv and felt familar sensation of being pulled back.

Note: This is for the original version..Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory...

Channel Hopping

Chapter 3: Fire and chocolate don’t mix

Roy’s eye twitched slightly as he found himself standing in a odd looking place. It looked like a small forest. Kinda like 2nd grade play props with an huge artistic licence. Or in better terms; out of a three year old’s picture book. The grass beneth his feet was an unatural deep green, the trees were also unnaturally brightly colored and the small river flowing around the entire area was brown. Also there was the strong smell of sugar and other sweets wafting through the air.

The flame alchemist was brought out of his thoughts when a group of weird, short and not to mention chubby looking men with dark green curly hair, orange skin; wearing white shirts and overalls walked in from seemingly nowhere. They walked towards him, pushing wheel barrows, carrying large spoon etc. This was all fine and dandy until they started to sing.

(A/N: I’m cringing now writing this darned part. Sorry if it sounds really dumb...I suck at wrting songs....)

Oompa loompa doompety doo

I’ve got a perfect puzzle for you

Oompa loompa doompety dee

If you are wise you'll listen to me

What happens when you enter without asking?

Mr. Wonka will send you packing.

If you don’t leave now you’ll be sorry.

Better get going or your mother will worry.

Leaving now will help you best

Oompa loompa doompety da

given permission to enter and you will go far

You will live in happiness too

Like the Oompa Loompa Doompety do

At the end of the song Mustang’s usually calm features displayed a look of huge disturbance and not to mention annoyance. At the moment he couldn’t decide to laugh out loud, or flame the annoying creatures.

“Hello. What do we have here? A spy maybe...Though you are kind of well dressed to be a spy. Possibly a spy from the government?” Said a man who appeared infront of Roy.

His eye twitched again when he saw the man. He was tall, slenderly built with slightly large nose, loose curly golden brown hair and wearing a dark lavender felt suit. and brown felt top hat. Roy immediately gathered his wits and stood up straight.

“I am no spy sir. I am Lieutenant Colonel Roy Mustand of the Central Military. I do not know how I got here,but I am hoping you would be able to tell me.”

The man raised his eyebrows, grinned, swept the top hat from his head and bowed slightly.

“I am Willy Wonka, and this” He said gesturing the unnaturally colored area. “ Is The Chocolate Room, located in my chocolate factory of course.”

“Err...I see..” Said Mustang quietly.

“Now as to how you got here I don’t have a clue. Bur from what the Oompa Loompas told me you seemingly fell in from a burst of light and thin air.”

“Thin air” Said Mustang, more to himself then to Wonka.

Then it hit him. When Ed touched that werid box it must have some how reacted and sucked him, Al and Ed into it...Maybe even to the otherside of the gate. Mustang mentally slapped himself. He just had to ask Fullmetal to fix it didn’t he. The Lieutenant then smirked. He would be looking forward to another duel with the short alchemist very soon.

“Now...Let’s find a way to get you back to where ever you came from shall we?” Replied Wonka in a cheerful tone that made Mustang slightly uncomfortable. Wonka gently yet firmly gasped the shorter man by the shoulders and lead him through The Chocolate Room. As they walked The Oompa Loompas began another song. Mustang’s eyebrow twitched in annoyance.

Oompa Loompa Odoompety doo

I’ve got a another puzzle for-



The annoying green haired men yelled in surprise, dodging the burst of flame that was fired at them. Mustang scoffed in disappointment at not being able to at least mangle on of the annoying creatures. Wonka who had just winess partial distruction to The Chocolate Room uncharistically glared and the flame alchemist and removed his grasp on the shorter man.

“Who did you say you were again sir?”

“Lieutenant Colonel Mustang, I’m also known as the Flame Alchemist....” Mustang replied in a smug tone. Wonka was about to reply when a bright light emitted below Mustang for a second before he disappeared into thin air. When the light vanished and Wonka could see again he stared at the spot where the flame alchemist stood and smiled a small knowing smile.

Only one thing.....The Oompa Loompas scare me o.O.

Channel Hopping

Chapter 4: What’s a Jellicle cat?

Al woke up with a start to find himself in a oversized junkyard. The child in

armor paniced for a bit, fearing that he had been shrunk to the size of a small

animal. He didn’t have long to panic when a loud high pitched giggle sounded to

his right. Turning slightly he saw a streak of orange, black and white duck behind a

bunch of old newspapers.

“Ano…Hello? Is anyone there?” Squeaked Al. Even though his armored body looked

scary, his child like soul couldn’t help but shake in fear of being in a odd

place by himself.

Again the giggle sounded. This time right behind him.

As soon as he turned a large spotlight flashed and out popped two odd looking

people carrying what looked like burlap bags. One male, one female.

Al had to do a double take to see that they were

cats. Well cat like humans. Out of nowhere music sounded and the two cat like

people began to sing.

‘Mungojerrie and Rumpelteazer we are a notorious couple of cats

As knockabout clowns, quick-change comedians

Tight-rope walkers and acrobats

We have an extensive reputation, we make our home in Victoria grove

That was merely a center of operation for we are incurably given to rove.

The two cat’s spotted him and danced and sang towards him. Al who likes cats,

was a bit freaked out at this.

If the area window was found ajar and the basement looked like field of war

If a tile or two came loose on the roof which presently ceased to be waterproof

If the drawers were pulled out from the bedroom chests

And you couldn't find one of your winter vests

Or after supper one of the girls suddenly missed her Woolworth pearls

The cats Mungojerrie and Rumpleteaser both grabbed Al’s arms and looked at one

another before going into the next verse.

Then the family would say "It's the horrible cat!

It was Mungojerrie or Rumpelteazer!"

And most of the time they left it at that

Still latching onto his arms the two proceeded to drag poor Al along as they

continued to dance and sing.

Mungojerrie and Rumpleteazer had a wonderful way

Of working together

And some of the time you would say it was luck

And some of the time you would say it was weather

We’d go through the house like a hurricane

And no sober person could take his oath

Was it Mungojerrie and Rumpleteazer?

Or could you have sworn that it mightn't be both?

When you heard a dining room smash

Or up from the pantry there came a loud crash

Or down from the library came a loud ping

From a vase which was commonly said to be Ming

They paused for a bit to put on a face of mock remorse, before exchanging

mischivious grins.

Then the family would say: "Now which was which cat?

It was Mungojerrie and Rumpleteazer

At the end of the song they began to twirl around, and accidentally flung

poor Al to the side.

Confused Al fell to the ground with a ‘oof’ and stared at the still dancing cats in shock.


Suddenly, more cat like people appeared out of nowhere now trying to round up the two orange, black and white cats. After successfully doing so a black and white cat that looked like he was wearing a tux crawled and smiled with his eyes half closed.

“Old Deuteronomy?”

“I believe it is Old Deuteronomy” Sang the now large group of cats as they stood or lyed around on the floor and other objects around the area.

“Ano…” Said Al again. The group didn’t seem to hear him. Al sighed and a huge sweat drop appeared on his head when the group began singing.

20 minutes and seven songs later……

If it had been Ed, he would have already have asked how to get out of here or possibly the young alchmist would’ve just sat there stunned and disturbed. But this is Al we’re talking about. Al had waited patiently for them to notice him, but no such luck. He was about to stand up when a flash of lights, like a bunch of fireworks went off, causing everything to turn a reddish purple.

Somehow this scared the cats. A lot.

“Macavity!” Sceeched one of the female cats.

No sooner she screamed that, a group of weird looking mice popped out of nowhere and threw a net over the leader Old Deuteronomy and dragged him off and the lights went back to normal.

Two female cats, one red, the other who had screamed ‘Macavity’ began singing another song. Al was starting to get slightly annoyed.

Again he waited and once the song was done the lights flashed and in walked a Old Deuteronomy, lead by those weird black mice.

The group of cats, over joiced that their leader had returned went to hug him..or nuzzle…The next thing Al knew was that the cat Old Deuteronomy threw off his skin to reveal a very creepy orange and yellow cat with long claws. The cats who had nuzzled the fake Old Deuteronomy screamed ‘Macavity and ran for safety. A grey cat he noticed to be second in charge began to fight with the weird cat. A small scuffle followed and the grey cat was knocked unconscious.

Macavity spotted Al, grinned evilly and snapped his claws. Poor Al immediately noticed a net being thrown over his eyes and a force dragging him backwards. Macavity laughed evilly at his new capture. This weird metal man would be a great use of getting rid of the Jellice cats. The Napoleon of Crime didn’t have time to laugh longer when the ‘weird metal man’ threw his lackys over it’s large shoulder and ripped the net off. Macavity growled angrily and proceeded to charge Al’s unprotected back. Wrong move. The youngest Elric brother was just about to punch one of the rats who were attacking him when his elbow came in contact with Macavity’s jaw. Al slowly turned around and looked down.

“Oops…..” He said, wincing at the large bruise starting to from the the cat’s ugly features.

Macavity, with wounded pride and jaw scampered out of sight, with his lackys following.

“Well, well. Who’d have thought that such a simple action could send Macavity fleeing.” Said the grey male cat.

“What is he Munkustrap?” Asked what looked like a kitten, who stared at Al in wide eyed amazement.

“E’s a metal man Jemima. Oi, sor’y mate if we gave you a fright. No ‘ard feelings?” Asked Mungojerrie.

“Th-That’s okay…Where exactly am I?” Asked Al, feeling akward at talking to a human cat.

“This is the Jellicle Junkyard, located in….Engalnd! Home of Big Ben, Sherlock Holmes, double decker buses, Monty Python’s Flying circus aaaand The Tower of London!” Crowed a young male cat.

“Knock it off Pouncival. You’re scaring the poor dear!” Scolded a middle aged female cat, who was called Jennyanydots.

Al if he was able to twitched in slight disturbance.

“England?...What year is it?”

“2005.” Chorused the group. Al’s soul paled.

“EEEEEEEHHHHH!” He screamed loudly.

“Is there a problem?” Asked Munkustrap.

Tears fell like water falls from Al’s eyes.

“How am I going to get home…” Suddenly he remembered the odd box Ed had touched. Eagerly he turned to the group.

“Ne. Is there like a box with a glass screen on it?”

The group raised their eyebrows in confusion.

“You mean that?” Piped up Rumpleteaser, pointing to a familiar box.

Al nearly wept with joy. Finally he could go home and get away from these weird cat people.

“Hai. Exactly like t hat!”

He ran over to the tv, drew a alchemy circle, picked up the box and placed it in the center.

“What are you doing?” Asked Jemima curiously who was being held to a safe distance by Jennyanydots.

Al placed his hands on the circle and turned to the kitten.

“I’m going home.” Was all he said before a blinding golden light flashed and Al disappeared into thin air.

Channel Hopping

Chapter 5: The doughnut loving stampede

Ed groaned in anguish. Someone up there really seemed to hate him. The short alchemist scowled skywards before taking in his surroundings. He was in a dessert of some sort and infront of him was a small town. Ed sighed at the sight of civilization and walked towards it.

When entering the town the civilians seemed to stray clear of the blonde kid or whisper fearfully among themselves. Suddenly a group of three men with rifles ran into the street.

“Hey you! Hold it!” Yelled a burly looking man.

Ed, who thought they were talking to someone else didn’t stop and continued walking towards what looked like a saloon.


Again he ignored the command. Ed was about ten steps away from the saloon’s steps when a bullet whizzed past his head. Startled by this he whirled around and gave the men a slightly peeved glare.

“Jeeze you people sure have a way of greeting out of towners.” Replied Ed.

“Shut up you! Don’t think we don’t know who you are. You’re Vash the Stampede! The Humanoid Typhoon who leaves distruction where ever he goes. You have 60,000,000 on your head and our town needs the money badly! So just give yourself up quietly and we won’t have to shoot you.”

One of the men on the burly guy’s right tapped him on the shoulder.

“Oi Nathan. You sure that’s him?”

“Of course it’s him you idiot! He matches the discription perfectly! Blonde hair and a red coat! Plus he’s supposed to have a gun.”

The other man on Nathan’s left silently studied Ed. The short alchemist’s features darkened at the looks he was getting.

“You sure? Looks kinda young to me..Plus he’s kinda short.”

Ed growled angrily at the man.


“We didn’t say anything like that! Enough of this! Are you going to come quietly or not!”

Ed sighed in annoyance.

“For your information I’m not this ‘Humanoid Typhoon’ charcter you’re talking about. My name is Edward Elric. Alright!”

Nathan glared a piercing glare.

“Take off your coat.”

Ed facefaulted slightly.

“What kind of order is that!” He yelled, now slightly disturbed.

“I want to see if you’re packing a gun kid. We can’t take you too lightly, since we don’t even know if your name really is Edward.”

“Fine fine...” Muttered Ed pulling off the red coat. “There. Happy? No gun. Now can you tell me where I am and where I can find a tv?”

“It’s still possible that you are packing a weapon. Take off that other jacket, you’re in the city of August and no there aren’t any tvs. We haven’t had one for centuries.”

“Oh for the love of- FINE! After this I want some explainations got it!” Exploded Ed, his patience now wearing thin. He removed the second jacket and was immediately greeted with the sound of cocking guns.

“What the hell is that?” Yelled the third man in fear.

Ed raised a surprised eyebrow and turned to look at his automail arm.

“See I told you he was Vash!”

“But Vash has a gun, this guy has a metal arm!”

“Idiot! He probably traded it in for a better weapon!” Growled Nathan. He then pointed the rifle at the confused alchemist.

“You thought you could pull the wool over our eyes you nuicence! Now put your hands in the air and come with us quietly.”

“Gah for the last time I’m not Vash the Stampede!” Screamed Ed now royally pissed off.

“Sure you’re not. And I’m not Sherriff of the world...Alright boys tie him up.” Replied Nathan with a mocking grin.

Ed angrilly allowed himself to be bounded by course rope and dragged away. During that time his thoughts were on one person, well two people. The first was if he ever met this ‘Vash the Stampede, he was going to pulverise him, Secondly he was going to murder that bastard of a Colonel who made him fix that damned tv in the first place. He didn’t know how or when, but he was somehow going make that smirking bastard pay.

After what seemed like an eternity of walking, they went into a small jail house, opened one of the cells and uncerimoniously tossed the still tyed up Ed into it.

Nathan slammed the door and grinned.

“Our town thanks you for your partonage Mr. Stampede. Now if you’ll excuse us we need to talk to the sheriff.”

With that the group left the room laughing to themselves.

Ed hopped off the floor and ran to the iron bars.


Ed angrily kicked the bars then wiggled his hands so could try clap them. No such luck. After trying to untie himself he gave up on the hard knots, flopped stomach down on the dusty cot and sneezed.

“How am I going to get out of here? Dammit! If my hands were free I could use alchemy and be out of here by now...Guess there’s nothing to do now but to get some sleep...” Muttered Ed before dozing off.


Ed jolted awake and fell painfully head first onto the floor. Muffling a few curse words he quickly stood up and jumped onto the cot to look out of the barred window.

Outside men with rifles ran around shouting orders and in the distance the flashing lights of fire followed by the heavy booms of cannons sounded. The alchemist squinted his eyes at the flash of blonde and red run off into the distance.

‘So that must be the real Vash the Stampede.’ Thought Ed almost evilly. His thoughts were cut when a sharp whistling sound seemed to grow rapidly louder. Ed threw himself to the floor just seconds before a cannon ball blasted through the wall leaving a large whole in it’s wake.

Ed grinned. Finally an escape route. Taking this advantage he dashed outside, carefully ducked the paniced civilians, and down the same path the other man in red went.

The young alchemist followed Vash’s footprints to a small oasis a few miles out of town. Creeping down he spotted a man in red plop down on the ground near the water’s edge. The man was very tall with spiky blond hair and young features. Ed ignored the rumors of this guy and rushed towards the oasis.


Vash looked up with surprise etched on his face.

“Oh hello. Are you lost kid? Why are you tyed up?”

“I’m like this because of you dammit!” Seethed Ed.

“Because of me? But I don’t even know you.” Replied Vash in a friendly manner that only made Ed more angry. “Here let me untie you.”

Ed backed away.

“Thanks but no thanks. I’m like this because they think I’m Vash the Stampede!”

Vash raised his eyebrows in surprse.

“Really? Jeeze I thought that warrent was taken off last month...” He then shurgged. “Oh well...Guess the girls will have more work to do...Merile isn’t going to be happy with this...”

“So are you going to turn yourself in, so I’ll get aleast a straight answer for once!”

“Straight answer? You mean like why I’m wanted with 60,000,000 on my head? Well it’s kind of a long story...Err why don’t I untie you...”

Ed didn’t reject the offer and allowed the taller blonde to untie him.

“So what’s your name kid?”

“Edward.Edward Elric.” He replied, now rotating his stiff wrists.

“Well Ed...I’m sorry that they mistook you for me, but I can’t really turn myself in call it a fault if you like.”

Ed sighed and sat down next to Vash. Scilence followed.

“So where you from Ed?” Asked Vash breaking the scilence.

“Well the last place I was, was Central. From here I’m guessing it’s sort of a different world.”

“Sounds like a story. Care to share?” Ed eyed Vash warily before continuing.

The young alchemist told him everything, from His and Al’s first experience of alchemy to the part where he got transported to a different world. And the more Ed explained, the lighter the burden seemed to lift off of his shoulders. When he was done Vash was looking into space with a look of thought.

“You and your brother has gone through a lot haven’t you. Does it...Bother you that despite your losses you couldn’t really bring your mother back?”

Ed shook his head defiantely.

“No. After what had happened we realised that no matter how hard you try, you can’t bring back the dead without a equal trade. And if it worked, such a trade would be unforgivable. Our goal now is to find the stone and revive what we lost. I don’t care if i don’t get my arm or leg back, all that matters is that Al gets his body back...I guess if Al really knew this he’d feel guilty, and I don’t want him to feel more pain then he already has to deal with.”

Vash silently stared at Ed in suprise. The young alchemist’s maturity for his age took him a back. He didn’t expect Ed to be so serious. Vash smiled tenderly and placed a comforting hand on Ed’s head.

“You know it’s alright to cry. It’s not healthy to be so serious all the time and pent up your pain.” He removed his hand and stared up at the starry sky.

“I guess i can understand what you’re going through. When I was young and there were ships in space my brother Knives and I were saved by a woman named Rem. We lived with the crew and grew up there. We weren’t human though. We were something else, since we grew up much faster then normal humans. I guess it was jealousy and anger towards Rem always talking to me, and the abuse we recieved from one of the members of the crew that cause my brother to hate humans. He murdered the crew and Rem. Then we crashed here on earth and stayed together for years until we went our seperate ways. Recently I had to fight my brother, because of his hatered...I’m hoping that one day he’ll see the truth, but I guess i shouldn’t keep my hopes up huh? Even though I hated my brother for the countless lives he took and his thoughts of human life being destroyed I still care for him. I admire your strength Edward, don’t ever let that fade.”

Ed stared speechless at Vash. For the first time in a long while he felt nervous and unsure of himself.


Ed’s voice was cut off when a flash of light under him exploded into a large alchemy circle causing him to disappear into thin air.

Chapter 6: Wizard Counciler

Mustang sighed for the thousandth time that day.

“And it’s bad enough that the students have been stripped of their freedom, but that Umbridge woman is driving me nuts! It’s all because Fudge is too proud to understand that he’s wrong about You know who-”

“Head Mistress with all due respect,...but it’s almost time.”

“Oh has it been an hour already? My how the time just flies...Thank you Mr. Mustang for your counciling.” Replied Professor McGonagall in a surprised fashion.

“Well as it seems that this is my job for the time being I hope this has made you feel better.”

“It has. Dumbledore truely has outdone himself this time. Allowing students and teachers to have counciling. Well I shall be on my way then. Good day Mr. Mustang.”

She nodded to him and walked out of the small office.

Mustang sighed again and crossed off the professor’s name on a list he had before looking at the next one. Draco Malfoy. He groaned slightly. Great. Just what he needed at the time, to give advice and listen to a snobby kid’s complaints.

”Speak of the devil” He muttered as a snooty looking boy with gelled back blonde hair walked in through the wooden door and plopped himself on the large sofa on the other side of the room.

“So, how are you today Draco? Any thing special happen?” Asked Mustang who steepled his fingers in a sterotypical psychiatrist way.

“ Why should I tell a mudblood like you?” Mustang raised an eyebrow. This was going to be interesting. The flame alchemist flashed his trademark smirk and shurgged carelessly.

“Why have you signed up for counciling if you refuse to say anything?”

Malfoy faultered slightly.

“ Fine. i’ll tell you how I’m doing. I feel fine. Potter is just has dumb as he usually is. Weasly just as poor, and Granger just as ugly. Speaking of Weasly, he’s terrible at Quidditch and can’t even act like a proper keeper, he’s probably too dumb to do so anyway. Father says that they should just get rid of all those mudbloods on the Quidditch teams and have real wizards and witches on them. Maybe then they’ll actually learn how to play better.”

30 minutes later.

“And another thing, I bet Potter just loves when he gets the attention. Everyone know’s he’s Dumbledore’s favorite.”

Malfoy continued to jabber on about this, seemingly thinking that Mustang was writing down every word. Mustang however, odd to his ususal attention spand as Colonel seemed to disappear five minutes into the conversation. Instead he occupied himself by drawing small doodles in his notepad, mainly ones of him flaming the boy into oblivion. Mustang’s fingers that held the quill itched to snap and make the young wizard shut up. Suddenly an idea spung into his mind. The flame alchemist smirked an evil smirk behind his free hand.

“Ah Draco...I believe your session is over..”

“Already?” Asked Malfoy slightly diisappointed.

“I believe so. Hmm..Oh dear, I guess we went a little over schedule..It’s already 3:00.” Replied Mustang who innocently checked his pocket watch. Malfoy jumped to his feet in alarm.

“3:00! I missed half of the quidditch game against Gryffindor!” With that he bolted out of the room.

Mustang chuckled to himself and crossed his hands behind his head. His plan went well, and it only was 12:30, which ment that the quidditch field was being occupied by absolutely no one except the automatic sprinkler and feild grooming charms.

Feeling a bit more cheerful, since his plan went well he crossed off Malfoy’s name from the list and looked at the next one. Neville Long Bottom; Dolores Umbridge. The happy feeling immediately deflated like a balloon. The horrible woman was going evaluate him. Great. He had only been here not even ten hours and the woman decided to annoy him.

Once more the door to the small office opened and in walked Umbridge wearing a bright pink dress with pink with white polka dot bows on the sleeves. Mustang’s eye twitched at the sight. The toad faced woman looked like a humanized toad chimera stuffed into clothes made of cake frosting. He quickly swallowed the small hint of laughter that started to bubble to the surface. Soon after a slightly chubby boy walked in and took a seat on the couch in a nervous fashion.

“Good Morning Neville-” The Flame Alchemist was cut off when the sound of someone screaming outside was heared. Mustang inwardly laughed. His office outlooked the Quidditch field and the only person dressed head to toe in uniform was Draco Malfoy, a now sopping wet Draco Malfoy who was being chased by a charmed lawnmower. Ah yes, the power of pursuation had it’s awarding benefits.

“Now where were we? Ah yes, how are you today Neville?”

Neville nervously glanced at Umbridge who was scribbling a few notes on her notepad.

“Im fine...Um..How are you doing?”

“Oh just fine. Now, is there any particular reason you wanted to talk to me?”

“Well...,” Neville shot another nervous glance at Umbridge. “It’s kinda personal...”

Mustang nodded slowly.

“Ah, Professor Umbridge. Can you do this evaluation another time? Nevllie seems a bit nervous with you being here, and a counciling session is supposed to make the patient feel comfortable.”

Umbridge blinked.

“Oh don’t mind me. Just continue as if I weren’t here.” She replied in a sweet sugary voice.

“ But I think Neville does. So could you possibly wait outside until we’re done?”

Umbridge ruffled slightly and rapidly wrote something down before marching out of the room. Mustang sighed again when he heard a rustling noise just outside the door. The darned woman didn’t seem to get the drift.

“Nevillie could you possibly place a charm on the door, so that way no eavesdroppers can hear our conversation.”’

Nevillie nodded, took out his wand and said a few words. A small shriek of surprise was heard on the other side of the door.

“Now that there aren’t anyone to over hear, what is it that you wanted to talk about?”

Neville took a breath before continuing.

“Professor Snape has been picking on me more then usual. On top of that Malfoy keeps on saying horrible things about my parents. I don’t know if I can take the pressure anymore.”

“ Why does Professor Snape pick on you so much?”

Neville shrugged.

“Because I’m extremely clumsy at potions and he frightens me.” Neville looked at his hands sadly. “Then Malfoy, if you’ve already guessed has a thing against muggle born students and ones who accept them. My parents, when You-Know-Who was in full power were tortured by him until they went insane...It’s just that I don’t know how to handle these situations anymore...”

“Well Neville...I guess the best thing for you to do is to stand up to Malfoy, and prove to him that his insults don’t bother you anymore. For example I know a boy your age, and is incredibly short.” Mustang smirked slightly.

“Now Ed’s fault is that he gets extremely upset when anyone mentions about his height. Now for your case you should do what Ed’s not doing and ignore Malfoy’s teasing. And to help, I want you to say these words. So repeat after me. ‘I will not let Malfoy bother me. Whatever he says about my parents are lies.’ Now you try.”

Neville gulped and stood up.

“I-I will not let Malfoy bother me. Whatever he says about my parents are a lie.” He muttered.

“A little louder please.”

Nevillie turned slightly pink in embarassement.

“I will not let Malfoy bother me. Whatever he says about my parents are a lie.” He said again this time a little louder.

“Good, but not loud enough. Try again one more time.”

Neville took a huge breath.


“Very good Neville. Now for Professor Snape, I want you to say: I am not afraid of Professor Snape.”


“Excellet. How do you feel?”

Neville who was still panting from his out burst smiled widely.

“I feel great!”

Mustang also grinned widely.

“Good. Now whenever you feel that Malfoy or Professor Snape is scaring or bothering you just repeat those two phrases in your head. Got it?”

Neville nodded happily, a large grin on his face.

“ Good. Is there anything else you needed Neville?” Asked Mustang kindly.

“No sir. Thank you Mr. Mustang.” Replied Neville as he ran out the room. The boy pushed the door open and a small yelp was heard as Umbridge ungracefully flopped face first onto the stone floor; a large bruise now forming on her forehead.

“Ooops...Sorry Professor Umbridge...”

Umbridge muttered something uncohorent before standing up with what was left of her dignity. She then straighted her pink dress and walked into the small office and sat down on the couch.

“Now.” She began curtly. “Seeing as that you and Mr. Longbottom are done with counciling, I’m going to ask you a series of questions please answer them as truthfully as possible.” She finished in a sugar coated sweet voice.

Mustang sat up straight in his chair and inwardly grinned.

“First question. Where exactly are you from.”

“Amestris. I currently am Colonel of the Military and reside in Central City, where HQ is located.”

Umbridge raised an eyebrow and ducked her head behind her notepad to scribble down rapid notes.

“Is it true that where you’re from Alchemy is considered a main element of power, like here we use magic?”

“It’s true. In Amestris we have people of the military who are what we call State Alchemists. We are given a silver pocket wach and a second name from the Furher. My second name is The Flame Alchemist.” Replied Roy carelessly.

“Flame Alchemist you say? Do you mind giving me a demonstration?” Asked the woman almost challengingly.

Mustang smirked.

“Of course.” With that he raised his right hand and snapped his fingers lightly.

Umbridge emmited a small shriek of surprise when a flame appeared out of nowhere near her foot, slightly singing her dress’s hem. Mustang inwardly grinned.

“How is that possible. How did you do that!” She demanded fearfully. Her face was slightly pale and her fixed smug smile gone.

“It’s simple. My gloves are made of a special fire cloth that can creat sparks when I snap my fingers. With the alchemy circle ont he back of the gloves I can manipulate the air and create the flame to go anywhere.” Answered Mustang with equal smugness. He smiled when he noticed the woman’s face pale to a light puce.

A bead of sweat formed on the toad woman’s forehead. Some how she underestimated the flame alchemist, now she had gotten herself into something she couldn’t get herself out of.

Nervously she cleared her throat and continued the evaluation.

“ Next question...How did you get here.”

Mustang groaned inwardly. Once again he has to explain the whole situation. And he did so, with Umbridge jotting rapid notes across her notepad.

“So let me get this straight. Another state alchemist somehow got a tv to work and sucked you, him and his brother who’s soul is bound to a auit of armor into the contration which sent each of you to a different dimention?” Asked Umbridge her voice dripping in sarcasim. The new subjuct automaically made for forget her fear.

“I’m taking that you don’t believe me.”

“It’s absolutely rediculus! Using alchemy on a tv as transportation device, unheard of. I bet what you found was a port key, and some how ended up in different places.” Replied Umbridge. Her sugary sweet voice was replaced with one of disbelief.

“Are you calling me a liar then?” Retorted Mustang calmly.

Umbridge stood from her seat and sneered at him in a cruel fashion.

“You bet I am! Hmph such utter nonsense creating flame out of thin air. What do you have Mr. Mustang? A wand up for sleeve? Somehow can preform magic phsycicly? Well out with it! I’m sure the Head of the Department of Magic would love to know that such a man is working under Dumbledore.”

“I have no wish to work under Dumbledore, but for now I must do so, until I can get back to Central. And you can tell the Head of Magic whatever you like. My story will be the same, so I suggest you stop with the theatricals and plotting of having me kicked out.” Said Mustang who also had rised from his chair. He gave the woman a smirk when she began to shake with rage.

“Are you threatening me Mr. Mustang?” Her already girlish voice went up a few pitches.

“Threatening? No. Trying to prove that my story is true and that this entire assesment is worthless, Yes.”

By now Umbridge was red in the face and shaking with rage. She hated when people made a mockry of her. She was the High Inquisitor darnit! This man shouldn’t be able to talk to her like that.

A small knock was heard at the door and in walked Dumbledore. The kind headmaster took one step into the room and glaced in slight confusion as he looked from Umbridge to Mustang.

“Am I interrupting something?”

Umbridge whirled onto the headmaster furiously.

“I demand, headmaster; that you fire this man. He’s a liar and just a common wizard!”

“Mr. Mustang would you care to explain?” Asked Dumbledore politely.

“Of course.” He said calmly. “As I’ve told you my story before it’s all true. Ms. Umbridge however thinks that I’m making it all up for an odd reason.”

“He made a deliberate attempt on my life!” She shrieked indignantly.

“It was a simple slip of the hand. You said yourself you wanted a demonstration.” Mustang replied innocently.

Umbridge fumed, whipped out her wand and pointed it at the Colonel’s chest. Dumbledore immediately put himself between the two and raised both palms in a calming manner.

“Now now, Dolores. Getting upset and hurting Mr. Mustang will not solve anything. Why don’t you go to the kitchens and ask the house elves for a nice strong cup of tea and some cookies, have a seat some where and relax. I will talk to Mr. Mustang, now off you go.” He replied soothingly.

The toad faced woman was about to say something of protest when a sudden burst of light exploded behind the headmaster. The two turned to see just in time the figure of Roy Mustang disinigrate into the blinding light.

After the light faded Dumbledored raised an eyebrow and Umbridge promptly fainted on the spot.

Channel Hopping
Chapter 7: Of Alchemy and Roses
Ed growled in annoyance for the umpteenth time. This constant traveling from world to world was really starting to piss him off. All I wanted to do was find the way back to Armetris and kick Colonel Mustang's ass. Was that so much to ask for?

The world he was in now seemed normal. He immediately thought he was back in Rizenbool...Until a small yellow creature with brown stripes on it's back and red cheeks that clowns had bounded a few feet away from him and tilted it's head with a 'pika'

Ed twitched and tried to shoo it away, thinking it was some sort of freakishly cute chimera. The creature only bounded closer, until it latched itself onto his leg and started to nuzzle it. Ed stared at the thing and picked it up.

"You're kind of cute...for a Chimera..." He said, hesitantly scratching it behind the ears. The creature cooed a word 'pikachu' and Ed smiled a bit.

A loud explosion behind him trembled the ground, scaring the pikachu, and causing it to electricute Ed and bounded off into the forest. Ed twitched on the floor in obvious pain. Immeidatly he jumped to his feet and growled in the direction the blast came from, only to have three voices insynch speaking, coming from inside a cloud of smoke.

"To protect the world from devastation!"
"To unite all peoples within our nation!"

"Oh great...More weirdos...As if that weird dog wasn't bad enough.." Muttered Ed in annoyance and continued to watch, unamused.

"To denounce the evils of truth and love!"
"To extend our reach to the stars above!"

A man with blue hair and a woman with long reddish magetna hair appeared from the smoke. Ed raised an eyebrow wondering how the woman's hair could stay like that. Ed yawned and turned his back to him, starting to walk down a well traveled path, to find a town.

"Team Rocket: Blast off at the speed of light!"
"Surrender now, or prepare to fight!"

They posed after the flashy introduction and another odd looking chimera, which seemed to be a cat with a long gold coin stuck to it's head appeared infront of them.

"MeOWTH! That's right!"

Jessie and James smirked, not realising yet Ed was a fars way from them.

"So twerp...You think you can just pass us without a fee.?" Asked James smuggly.

"How about a pokemon battle to proove you have what it takes to pass...I don't think you'll win..."

Meowth sweatdropped. "Guys I don't think he can hear you..."

Jessie opened her eyes and saw that Ed was definately out of hearing range.

" YOU LITTLE BRAT GET BACK HERE! We're talking to you!" She screamed angrily.

"How dare he ignore us...We're Team Rocket. We strike fear even in the highest people of importance." Said James with a pout.

Meowth smirked.

"He can't hear you Jessie...He's probably "short" of hearing..." He then laughed.

"WHO'RE YOU CALLING SO SHORT HE CAN'T BE SEEN WITHOUT A TELESCOPE!" Screamed Ed, now right infront of Team Rocket.

The three blinked in surprise, awed that they hadn't stricken fear in his heart. Ed crossed his arms in annoyance.

"Who are you two? And is that chimera your pet?"

Meowth growled.

"Who're you calling a pet!"

Ed stared wide eyed at Meowth.

"That chimera...He talked...How did you get him to talk?"

"I am not a chimera. I am a pokemon...a Meowth..." Shot back Meowth, crossing his arms a tad hurt.

"Poke'mon?..." Started Ed confused. He shook his head and mentally sweared. "Okay..First off...Where exactly am I?" He mentally winced waiting for the answer.

"You're near the forest that leads to Pewter City." Replied James.

Ed swore loudly, shocking the three.


(Yaoi fangirls including gothkitty: 'snickers and cheers' and somewhere in another world Roy sneezed and felt a chill of inpending doom)

The three exchanged looks. Maybe picking on this kid wasn't a good idea. Ed turned around still fuming.

"Which way is Pewter City?" He said through gritted teeth.

The three pointed in the direction he was originally headed in earlier, and he took off without another word, still grummbling under his breath.

Jessie, James and Meowth sighed in relief and went off in search of someone else to torment..someone more meek.

Ed was still grummbling when he entered town. He blinked, notcing that everyone had a pokemon, and that they were carrying these weird ballshaped containers that stored the odd creatures. He shrugged it and couldn't help but think if Armetris would be like this is chimeras were people friendly. Heh..yeah right...and Fuhrer Bradley would just kneel down from being Fuhrer and give the postition to Roy Mustang.

He went into the nearest building and grinned, finding a tv. He looked around and clapped his hands, and once again placed them on the tv. Dissappearing in a flash of light.

mood: excited
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