Authors: fullmetalkatu and megkips
Series: It’s the End of Amestris as We Know It
Crossing Over: Fullmetal Alchemist and Good Omens
Warnings: Standard Series Warnings Apply for FMA anime. Complete and Utter Ending Spoilers for Good Omens
Explanation: Basically this is because the new FMA game has a bad guy by the name of Jack Crowley. If any of you have read the book "Good Omens" by Neil Gaiman and Terry Pratchett, you'll understand why we made the connection from Jack Crowley to A.J. Crowley.
Authors' Notes: If you haven't read Good Omens, read it. It's pretty much the Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy but with the Bibical End of Days. (We hope that Neil Gaiman and Terry Pratchett never finds this.)
Chapter links: 1 2 3 4
The man that Aziraphale found himself looking up at was VERY large. And very bald, except for a blond mustache.
He looked like a baby doll on steroids.
"Hi!" A cheerful voice greeted Aziraphale from behind the wall of man. "We're here to see Fuhrer Bradley."
Aziraphale tried to see around the large muscular man. A head poked around the man’s large body. The face staring back at Aziraphale was somewhat oval shaped with a thin beard around his face and chin, and the face wore glasses. “Er, do you have an appointment?”
"Yes, I believe we do. Maes Hughes and Alex L. Armstrong?" Said the bespectacled man.
The baby doll on steroids sparkled. Aziraphale stared blankly at the sparkling man, thinking of Mr. Clean. He stared down at the appointment book, trying to shield his eyes from the purple glow. “Oh, yes. You’re a bit early, could you wait about five, maybe ten minutes?”
"Sure, no problem! I'm the Hughes, by the way, it's nice to meet you, Mister…"
”Er,” Az smiled nervously, “Mr. Zi.”
"Mr. Zi?" Hughes chuckled.
"It is a pleasure to meet you, Mister Zi." The man called Armstrong boomed.
Az nodded, "Same to you I'm sure."
"So, Mister Zi! Do you have any kids?"
Aziraphale shook his head no. Be as it was not only physically impossible for angels to re-create, it was also forbidden by divine mandate. (Zarephathcs’s Note: Book of Enoch describes when angels mate with Humans.)
"Aaaaaaah, what a shame. Just you wait! I'm sure you'll find a lovely wife soon….But, in the meantime, would you like to see pictures of my lovely daughter, Elycia?!"
Aziraphale smiled politely, “Sure, why not.”
Twenty minutes and five hundred plus pictures later, Fuhrer Bradley finally opened his door to admit Armstrong and Hughes. He found his sectary covered in a pile of photographs to the point where you could only see the top of his head.
"And you can keep them, Mister Zi! I've got hundreds of copies!"
Aziraphale whimpered. He felt the urge to call Crowley and warn him of this picture wielding fiend. But he was sure Crowley was busy with his plants, or something, so he fought it off.
Armstrong and Hughes followed Bradley into his office. Armstrong shut the door behind him. Hughes took a seat in front of Bradley’s desk and revealed a small file. “The latest report on the alchemist killer sir.”
"Such a pity," Fuhrer Bradley murmured, glancing through the files. He did not wince when he saw the gory remnants of the dead man's body. "Do we know who he is yet, Hughes?"
”I’m afraid not sir,” Hughes said. “We have no clues what so ever.”
"Hmm. I fear this will prove problematic. We should definitely start working on our security issues to prevent this from happening again."
Outside of the Fuhrer’s office, Aziraphale was placing the last picture of Elycia into the bottom drawer of his desk. He closed the drawer and sat back down, realizing that he had nothing to do. He started to think about the apocalypse of this world…he had almost forgotten. How would it happen? Who would start it? Where was the anti-christ? He had meant to ask Crowley if he had heard anything more on the anti-Christ, but had a feeling that Crowley would know nothing. The Ishbalian scripture that he had been reading offered him no clue either. All Aziraphale had to go on were the strange people that showed up to the Fuhrer’s office without appointments. Maybe they had something to do with it?
He'd have to wait for the beautiful woman to come back- not a day went by that she didn't check in- and follow her. As it turned out the woman showed up around four o’clock, just as Hughes and Armstrong were leaving the Fuhrer’s office. Az didn’t bother to ask her if she had an appointment, he simply showed her in and waited for her to exit. And she left, like always, only fifteen minutes later. Aziraphale looked down at the appointment book and saw that there was no one else coming in for a visit, which relieved him. The real question was to request his boss for an early leave. Aziraphale wondered if Crowley was right about him being far too nice. He hesitantly paged the Fuhrer.
”Yes?” came the Fuhrer’s voice.
”Er,” Aziraphale said. “I was wondering, since there’s no one else coming today, that perhaps I could leave early to attend to…some…personal matters?”
The Fuhrer was silent for a moment. "Only after you bring me some tea," Aziraphale could detect the smile in his voice.
”Yes sir,” Aziraphale sighed in relief and put the tea kettle on, realizing that this whole boiling water might take a bit. He was a little rushed when it finished, nearly spilling it on the Fuhrer and breaking a teacup. He murmured a quick apology and shot out the door.
Aziraphale was lucky enough to catch a glimpse of the woman make a left out of the main entrance way to Central HQ as he ran along the second floor corridor, occasionally crashing into a person here and there. Politeness was out the door, he barely murmured a sorry before returning to chase. The woman was fast, especially for wearing that dress and heels.
By the time Aziraphale had made the left out of HQ, the woman had gone. He came very close to swearing. Where could she have gotten to?! “Hmph,” Az said to himself. “Maybe Crowley knows.” Crowley might have known, Aziraphale discovered later, if he would have picked up the bloody phone. But Aziraphale was an angel of wits, or at least an angel with one good sense of direction, so he decided to listen to his gut and make a right across the street.
"LUST!" A gravelly voice called out, followed by heavy, thumping footsteps. "Wait for me!" Aziraphale’s ears perked, intrigued by the name that had been called out. He could have sworn he had heard the voice before. He looked around to find where the voice was coming from.
A very large man in very tight spandex-ish cloth came running past.
"Honestly, Gluttony, I told you to hurry…."
Aziraphale recognized that voice immediately. His eyes followed the very large man across the street as he almost got hit by a car, and saw him take a sharp right and continue up the street. Trying not to look like a stalker, Aziraphale started up a light jog on his side of the street, hoping to catch up with the strange fat man. Something that had really caught his attention was the fact that the two had the names of the seven deadly sins. He assumed them to be code names. Aziraphale’s mind suddenly thought of something else. If they were using codes, were they apart of a conspiracy? His mind laughed the thought off. These were Crowley’s people after all. Of course there was a conspiracy. Wait, did that mean that Fuhrer Bradley was in on the conspiracy? The light bulb went off. Wasn't Hitler called Fuhrer? Sure, Crowley mentioned that Bradley was one of his people but this seemed a bit extreme. He followed them at a more desperate pace.
By the time Aziraphale had reached the end of the block he had passed the two frequent visitors to the Fuhrer’s office. He casually waited for the two to walk by on the opposite sidewalk, pondering where on earth they were heading. Five minutes after waiting, the two had never passed by. Aziraphale frowned, wondering if they had doubled back.
The one called Lust was calmly observing a man in a telephone booth. She murmured something to Gluttony and they moved on. Aziraphale was about to give up when he spotted the two turn the corner on the other side of the street. He immediately ran across the road to follow the two. He had managed not to get maimed by the traffic and continued to follow them.
The angel was getting slightly annoyed. It was getting hard to follow them- they had a nasty habit of vanishing into dead-end alleyways. He found himself staring down yet another blank alleyway which was surrounded by a block of flats. There was a brick wall opposite where he was standing, which made Aziraphale more frustrated. “Where could they have gone now?” He looked upwards at the cloudy sky which threatened rain. They weren’t on any near by rooftops. Az turned his attention to the street. He checked his right and left. They weren’t there either. He frowned, then paused, realizing he had no idea where he was. The last thing anyone needs is to get lost on a world that's supposed to be destroyed.
As Aziraphale wandered out of the alley in search of the way back to HQ, Lust was waiting calmly in the bar across from the alleyway, Gluttony munching on a bar stool beside her. She scoffed. "Gluttony, don't eat that. You don't know where it's been."
There was no response, just a repetitive crunching sound. She shook her head and turned her attention to the bar. “Late, as usual,” she muttered to herself.
A very handsome soldier walked in, and briefly looked around. Spotting Lust, he walked over. She frowned at him, recognizing the green hair that was pulled back into a long pony tail. “You certainly took long enough. Did you find any information on the Fuhrer’s new secretary?”
"Not a thing," He rolled his eyes and slumped elegantly into the chair next to her. "That's what pisses me off!"
”Perhaps that’s not the point,” she said. “There has to be a reason why there wasn’t a file on him. There also has to be a reason that Bradley trusts him. We know he isn’t one of us, that’s certain.”
”The hell are you getting at then?!”
”Think about it logically. How is it possible that one day a random stranger with no background rises so quickly into the military?”
”Deus ex machina?” the solider suggested.
Lust offered him a cold glare, “I highly doubt it.”
"Maybe it was fate? Maybe he's just a really, really lucky prick."
”You and I both know that the concept of fate is impossible. I think that there are darker forces at work here. I’ve seen him on the phone a bit, we should try to tap into his calls, figure out who his friends are. He’s probably plotting something.”
”What makes you say that?” the solider raised an eyebrow.
”He followed us here.”
That hit something with him. He really hated people who tapped into other people's business. Rather like what he did. "Is he around now?"
Lust’s eyes rolled towards the window. Aziraphale was inside of a phone booth, talking very animatedly to someone. “I wouldn’t suggest doing anything rash you know. It might blow our cover.”
The soldier snorted and pulled off his hat. "Right. I won't. Not yet."
”Good,” she muttered. “Have you heard anything concerning the East?”
"Nothing, really. Think we should start something?"
”It’s not necessary. As it turns out, a very good catalyst is heading over to Liore in a few days. You know. The bean.”
"Hagane no Chibi?" He laughed. "Really?"
”Mmm. Remember that priest from about two or three years ago? The one with the ring?”
”Yeah. Oh, I see! Makes total sense.”
”However, just to be safe, I suggest that you prepare yourself for a desert vacation,” Lust said, drumming her fingers on the table.
"Jeez. I hate the desert. S'full of sand. Gets EVERYWHERE."
Lust sighed inwardly, “The town isn’t bad. I think you’ll enjoy yourself.”
”Fine, fine fine,” Envy rolled his eyes. “Anything else?”
"Not that I can think of. We'll be seeing you in Liore Envy."
”Right,” the solider got up from his seat and swiftly exited the bar. Aziraphale was still talking on the telephone.
"Crowley, I'm telling you I'm lost!" he was shouting at an answering machine. On the other end Roy Mustang and his office were listening with great interest. "Look, I'm not going to hang up until you pick up. I'll just stand here and sing if I have to. And no, it won't be from 'The Sound of Music'!"
”Sir, as interesting as this is, maybe we should pick up and tell him Crowley’s not here,” Riza sighed.
”No no,” Roy held up a hand. “This is quite entertaining.”
Azriraphale took in a deep breath and began to sing. “I go off to work on Monday mooorniiiing….”
”What the hell?!” Havoc stared at the answering machine.
"The Colonel doesn't want to turn it off. It's for Crowley, apparently," Kain explained, staring at it as well.
Riza rolled her eyes.
Azriaphale kept on singing. “Tuesday I go off to honeymoon
I'll be back again before it's time for sunnydown
I'll be lazing on a Sunday afternoon
Bicycling on every Wednesday evening
Thursday I go waltzing to the Zoo
I come from London town…”
”I think he’s just making it up,” Havoc declared. “Where the fuck is London?!”
”Maybe it’s a forigen country?” Cain suggested.
“I'm just an ordinary guy
Fridays I go painting in the Looooooooouvre!
I'm bound to be proposing on a Saturday night
There he goes again
I'll be lazing on a Sunday lazing on a Sunday
Lazing on a Sunday afternoon!
CROWLEY PICK UP THE PHONE THIS INSTANT OR I’M GOING TO SMITE YOU!”
"Where is he, anyway, Colonel?" Fuery looked to the older man.
Mustang shrugged as Aziraphale began to threaten Crowley. What he was saying struck the office as strange, something about blessing him constantly. “Probably finishing paper work with Edward and Alphonse.”
The truth was that Edward was attacking Crowley with a wet mop.
"Sweet voice of Elvis in a biscuit, what was that for?!" Crowley glared.
”Who the hell is Elvis?” Ed demanded. “And by the way, that’s for making me clean up the floor.”
”I waxed the furniture,” Crowley shot back. “Equivalent exchange shrimp boy. Look on the bright side. We’re done with the list of chores Mustang gave us. I can’t believe he made us clean his flat.”
"I can't believe he made me do it with you!" Ed screeched.
"Nii-san! It's not good to yell like that!" Alphonse said, doing dishes behind the sink.
”Shit,” Crowley muttered. “Ed, is your brother rust proof?”
"I'm okay!" Al said cheerily. "Nii-san can fix it if I do rust."
"Yeah, well, try not to rust anyway, okay?” Crowley shook his head. The two were weirder than most angels and demons he had met. “Who’s drying the dishes?”
"You get to do it," Ed stuck out his tongue.
”Yippe,” Crowley said flatly. He trudged over to the drying rack and grabbed a dish towel. “Mustang needs to invest in a washing machine.”
"He's too damn cheap," Ed grumbled, dusting around a bookshelf.
”At least we agree on something,” Crowley muttered. “He’s a bigger bastard than I am.”
"And that's SAYING SOMETHING," Ed muttered, glancing back at Crowley.
Crowley shrugged, not feeling insulted in the least. “Sticks and stones may break one’s bones. Eh. I guess that isn’t a problem for you, since shrimp are invertebrate and have no backbone.”
The book that Ed pulled off the shelf and chucked at Crowley hit the back wall only a few inches from his head. The demon stuck his tongue out at Edward and waved it about as if he were a snake. Ed stared at Crowley’s tongue, noticing the fact that it was slightly forked at the end.
‘WHAT THE HELL?!’ Ed screamed in his head, surprised his mouth couldn't form the words. Crowley quickly retracted his tongue. “Wha-at?”
"Just....ew. Wh-..what the HELL, man?!"
”What’re you talking about?” Crowley finished drying the last pot. “WE ARE OFFICIALY DONE CLEANING ROY MUSTANG’S APARTMENT!”
"Thank god." Ed muttered, throwing a towel to the side.
”No kidding,” Crowley muttered. “Let’s just go let Mustang know.”
"Can we rub it in his face?"
”Duh?” Crowley headed out to the car and drove himself, Edward and Alphonse back to HQ. The three of them swept into the office grandly, as if they had just conquered the world.
”WE HAVE FINISHED CLEANING ROY MUSTANG’S FLAT!” Crowley declared.
”Colonel, I had no idea you had foot fungus,” Ed added.
"And you, my good friend, must have an amazing amount of women come through that house." Crowley snickered.
Roy Mustang was beginning to turn a few very interesting shades of red. “We got a VERY interesting message for you Crowley.”
"Oh, did we?" Crowley frowned. "From who- ...oh shit." Roy had already pressed the ‘play’ button, and Aziraphale was yet again singing for the entire office.
"That idiot," Crowley muttered pitifully at the end of the message.
End Chapter Five
Chapter 6 will be our final chapter! (Crossposted at fm_alchemist and fmaxgaiman