Authors: fullmetalkatu and zarephathcs
Series: It’s the End of Amestris as We Know It
Crossing Over: Fullmetal Alchemist and Good Omens
Warnings: Standard Series Warnings Apply for FMA anime. Complete and Utter Ending Spoilers for Good Omens
Explanation: Basically this is because the new FMA game has a bad guy by the name of Jack Crowley. If any of you have read the book "Good Omens" by Neil Gaiman and Terry Pratchett, you'll understand why we made the connection from Jack Crowley to A.J. Crowley.
Authors' Notes:</b> If you haven't read Good Omens, read it. It's pretty much the Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy but with the Bibical End of Days. (We hope that Neil Gaiman and Terry Pratchett never finds this.)
Chapter links: 1, 2, 3
It’s The End of Amestris As We Know It
Ed nodded, having heard all he needed to hear on Liore and its rumours of the Philosopher's Stone. From what Mustang had informed Ed over his riverquest safariventure desk it seemed like a strong enough lead worth investigating. Both siblings were in agreement and resolved to get started immediately.
"Just one more thing before you leave," Roy called out as Ed and Al began to run for the door. Ed grumbled and turned towards the colonel.
"A bit of a mess happened with all of your previous reports and they were misfiled. Some of the papers also got smudged. Pipe leaks. We need you to correct them before I can permit you to leave."
Crowley returned from his phone call and heard an indignant cry of "YOU WANT ME TO DO WHAT?!" from behind the office door.
"You won't be alone," Mustang smiled. "You'll have help."
Ed glared suspiciously at Roy, his left eye brow raised. "From who?"
"He's right outside the door."
Crowley blessed Mustang in 50 different languages as Al opened the door. Ed's temper flared up even more. "HIM?! THE GUY WHO DROP KICKED ME OUT OF A CAR?!" Crowley mustered a small grin, but it was obvious he was forcing it. "AND DON'T YOU GIVE ME THAT SMILE YOU ASSHOLE."
Mustang rose up from behind his desk, "Edward, calm down. You two are going to be working together so you two might as well learn to stand each other. Crowley. There will be no throwing Edward or his brother out of the building, taunting them, threatening them, or anything of the nature."
Crowley sighed, "Yes sir. What about short jokes?"
Mustang paused as Ed began to let out a few select words towards Crowley. "YOU'RE ASKING FOR IT AREN'T YOU?!"
"Please try not to kill each other," Mustang sat back down, thunking his head on his desk. "Ow! Dammit Crowley, a rose bush on the desk?!"
Crowley turned a tinge red. "Sorry sir."
Edward did not trust Crowley. To him Crowley was a sheer nut job bent on annoying Edward until he exploded. Not that making Edward explode was terribly difficult to do, but Crowley seemed to have an amazing knack for it, more so than Roy.
Then there was the fact Crowley always wore sunglasses, despite being indoors. When Al had questioned the shade wearing demon, Crowley had simply informed him that he was extremely sensitive to light. After a moment's pause he added that turning the lights off wouldn't help. Ed had a feeling that Crowley was lying.
Finally, there was the way Crowley acted. He didn't seem to walk as much as he did slither, and he always seemed to have a sly grin up his face. There was something Crowley knew that no one else did, and Ed wanted to know what he was hiding. Being stuck working with Crowley gave Ed this opportunity.
Crowley kicked open the file room door with his boot. The door swung open, slamming into the wall. Ed glared upwards at Crowley. "Was that necessary?"
"I assume that your brother's helping out as well?" Crowley said.
Alphonse nodded, "Sure, if it will help."
"Good," Crowley muttered as he walked inside. "More people we have helping the sooner we get done and the sooner I don't have to deal with you, bean boy."
Ed snarled viciously. "Watch it."
The file room was simply that. There was a large table in the middle of the threadbare room with about 10 folders atop it, scattered here and there. Crowley groaned inwardly. Ed shared Crowley's lack of enthusiasm. "How the hell did the files get screwed up anyway?"
"You've never seen the floor plans for this place, have you?" Crowley questioned.
"What's that got to do with anything?"
"This place is directly below the bathrooms on the second floor. When I arrived here a pipe busted and got shit all over the room. The files had to be moved really fast."
Ed glared at the ten folders of his reports. "Great. Why didn't they fix my files then?"
"Probably because Mustang hates you," Crowley replied without a hint of sarcasm. "S'get this over with."
It took the better part of a good five hours to finish ALL of Ed's paperwork. The worse part of those five hours included Ed screaming at Crowley for quoting Ed's various physicals, reading off his height measurements and making obnoxious commentary on each. ("What's this? From your first physical to your third, you shrunk!")
Finally, Crowley got bored with making fun of Ed, allowing the bean a chance to figure out what was making him tick.
"So, where're you from?" Ed asked, glaring deviously over the stack of fresh paperwork.
"Ah, it's a little town a ways north of here. S'called Eden." Crowley chuckled to himself.
"Hmph. Never heard of it," Ed glanced over at a map. "Care to point it out?"
"Well…it's a little too far north to be on that map."
Ed glared. "Okay…" This guy was just….there wasn't a word for it. Unless that word was considered a foul word in every language he could think of.
"Why'd you join the military, Mister Crowley?" Alphonse asked innocently. Ed nodded vigorously in agreement.
Crowley paused to consider an answer. This kid was out to get him, he knew it. And that stupid tin can. "I could ask you the same question Ed. How many 15 year olds join the military? You've got to have some ulterior motive." A self satisfied smirk swept up his face.
Ed visibly twitched. "YEAH, WELL-" He had started to yell, but then dropped to a quieter note. "That's none of your business."
"Nii-san…." Alphonse began. Ed waved him off.
Ed wanted to scream. He just needed to vent. But against all wishes, he nodded, and went back to paperwork.
In Crowley's perverse little mind, he imagined Ed thinking, "Dammit, foiled again!" like some TV villain. Ironically, Ed was thinking the exact same thing, but with a few more colourful words.
The three worked in silence for about 15 minutes or so until the sound of a cat's meow echoed around the room. Crowley blinked in surprise and looked from Ed to Al, trying to figure out who was making the cat sound.
Ed glared at his brother. "AAAAAAAALPHOOOONSE……."
"B-b-but, Nii-san! The poor thing….it was all alone, it didn't have any shelter! He was HUNGRY, Nii-san!!!!"
Ed's head slammed against the desk in pent-up frustration, reminding Crowley of a certain angel. Crowley suddenly realized that the echo was coming from inside of the suit of armour. The sound was distinctively coming from someplace hollow. "Weird," he muttered to himself.
"Al….we need to go outside for a second. 'Scuse us, Crowley." He grabbed his brother by the chest plate and dragged him out of the room.
"Honestly, Al, I've told you that we can't keep cats-"
"But, the poor things, they're always so scared!"
"That's because you're so damn big, Al…"
"Give it." Ed glared.
There was a clanking sound as Al took off his chest plate.
Crowley craned his neck around the door jamb for a better look, attempting to see the human inside the armour. He focused his eyes the best he could, but saw no sign of a person inside. Crowley blinked. There had to be a person inside there…right?
"…." The demon ducked back inside the door as they returned.
"Okay. We'll let the cat sleep in here, Al. But only for tonight! Then we take it back to where it was." Ed said to his brother, setting the cat in a chair.
"Right Nii-san…" Alphonse murmured sadly.
Crowley shuffled over, his eyes obscured by a huge stack of papers he was carrying. He quickly shoved them into Al's empty arms, and then faked tripping. There was a loud crash as Al's helmet fell off.
The demon nearly wet himself when the suit of armour's helmet rolled off and Crowley landed with his face smashed into Al's chest plate. The hallow "CLANG" told Crowley all he needed to know. There was no person inside. "HOLY SHIT!"
Ed swore mentally, picking up Al's helmet. "Great."
"I-I'm sorry, Nii-san!" Al whimpered.
Crowley simply stared at the suit of armour and tried to rationalize the situation. Crowley was a demon. Demons are perfectly normal. He was in a completely different world. That was also perfectly normal. In this world alchemy was possible and used often. That too was normal. He was now working with a talking suit of armour which was fully articulated, but had no person inside. Nope. Not normal.
"I-I think we owe Mister Crowley an explanation, Nii-san…."
"…I don't think he deserves one." Ed glared, and went back to paperwork.
"Your brother's a hollow suit of armour and you're not explaining why," Crowley said flatly. "Well then, I guess I could just go ask Mustang."
"It's just a punishment, alright?!" Ed burst out. "We screwed up and this is what happened. We're trying to fix it. Now just shut up and get back to work."
Crowley fell silent and went back to work, finally stopping with his snide height comments, and instead tried to figure out what exactly the two had done. There was only one solution. Call Az.
It took another hour to re-file everything in its rightful place. After that, the phone at Aziraphale's desk rang.
He nearly spilled the coffee. "Ah! Hello, Aziraphale speaking. How may I help you?"
"Hey Az. S'me."
"Hello, Mister I'm-So-Demonic-I'll-Hang-Up-Without-Sayi
Aziraphale sighed heavily, "What is it?"
"The two kids you said were on your sides. Are you aware one of them is a suit of armour with no one inside it?"
"Um….yes. I believe it had something to do with their mother..."
Crowley suddenly had a mental image of a suit of armour with breasts, wearing an apron and a blond wig. "Their mother was a suit of armour? Aziraphale, are you implying that in this world suits of armour can function like a womb and bring forth life?!"
There was the sound of Aziraphale smacking his forehead.
"No, no, no. I mean, I think the younger brother died, and was reincarnated in the armour, or something like that."
"Ooooh," Crowley nodded. "That makes sense. I think."
"Anything else, Crowley? I have to tend to something." He was staring at a very, very fat man, who was drooling on the couch.
"Nope. Bye. See. A proper good bye."
"Oh, hush." He put the phone down with a clack.
Crowley chuckled at the receiver. It was then that Ed realized that Crowley was skipping out on work and dragged the demon back into the filing room, forcing him to finish the workload.
Another half hour later, Crowley rubbed his eyes behind his glasses and kicked the last filing cabinet closed. "DONE."
He turned around to receive a rude comment from his small co-worker, but found the room abandoned. Crowley thought nothing of it and walked towards the door, humming contently to himself. He figured that the small gardenias that he had needed to be taught a lesson. He had forgotten to do it earlier, so he quickly made his way to the regular office. He was surprised to find the room unlocked. Crowley walked into the room and took off his uniform jacket and threw it onto his desk. He took his leather jacket off the coat tree and put it on, feeling immensely more comfortable than he did in the uniform jacket. He was happy that at least ONE thing had survived from the transfer from England, and that was his total bad-ass-ness. "The hell did I put that plant mister?" he asked himself. A hand placed a green plant mister into Crowley's hand. "Thank you." He was about to spritz himself to taunt the plants when he realized that he wasn't alone.
Edward grinned. "Hello, Lieutenant. Nice poppies."
Crowley took the comment in stride and sprayed Ed with the water, wondering if he'd grow. "Thanks."
Ed glared, and snatched Crowley's glasses off his face in revenge. Crowley's thin nostril's flared, but he didn't bother to shut his eyes. "Give those back. NOW."
Ed stared, fixated, at Crowley's glowing yellow eyes. "What the hell are you?!"
"Are you even sure you want to know?" The demon gave the most monstrous grin he could manage.
Ed paused for a moment, debating if he really did want to know. Crowley's hand wrapped around his plant mister tightly, as if he thought it could really help him in his present situation. Unless the water turned to acid, it really couldn't do a bloody thing.
"Hand 'em over," Crowley, without waiting, snatched the glasses back.
"Equivalent exchange," he grinned.
"Equivalent Exchange my ass."
"What the hell is wrong with your eyes?!" Ed demanded.
"YOU WANNA KNOW HOW I GOT THESE EYES YA HALF PINT SPECK OF DUST?!" Crowley grinned manically. "S'easy. I was born without eyes. Couldn't see a thing. There were just blank sockets where my eyes should have been. One day I found myself in a grave yard. I knew it was a grave yard because it's hard to misplace the smell of dead bodies. I hadda be about ten at the time, but anyway, I digress. I dug up a grave that seemed to be pretty fresh, there was no grass growing over the dirt. I flipped the coffin lid open and took out the dead person's eyes. I've seen perfectly ever since."
Ed stared. There is no such thing as a retort to such a story. The proper response is to soil yourself and to run away. Ed tried to find away around this general rule.
Crowley let out a loud hollow laugh, seeing the terrified look on Ed's face. "Kidding. I was born with them. Never drink Windex while pregnant. It has weird side effects."
"W-windex?" Ed stammered. What the hell is Windex? "Um, never mind…I've got to go, anyway…Al's probably wondering where-"
"I'm right here, Nii-san!"
"PERFECT, let's go!"
Crowley laughed hysterically as Edward and Alphonse ran down the corridor, screaming. He couldn't help but enjoy telling a lie as insane as the one he had just uttered, and the reactions were always priceless. Crowley then returned to his plants, yelling at at them and beating them with his hand.
End Chapter Four
zarephathcs's note: Cookies if you get the Sandman tie-in!
fullmetalkatu’s note: Cookies if you can tell me about it!
End Chapter Four