Authors: fullmetalkatu and megkips
Series: It’s the End of Amestris as We Know It
Crossing Over: Fullmetal Alchemist and Good Omens
Warnings: Standard Series Warnings Apply for FMA anime. Complete and Utter Ending Spoilers for Good Omens
Explanation: Basically this is because the new FMA game has a bad guy by the name of Jack Crowley. If any of you have read the book "Good Omens" by Neil Gaiman and Terry Pratchett, you'll understand why we made the connection from Jack Crowley to A.J. Crowley.
Authors' Notes: If you haven't read Good Omens, read it. It's pretty much the Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy but with the Bibical End of Days. (We hope that Neil Gaiman and Terry Pratchett never finds this.)
Previous Chapters: Chapter 1 Chapter 2
It was a Thursday. Thursdays, it seemed, were always tricky for Crowley to grab onto and grip by the neck, no matter how hard he tried. It was most likely the fact that it was no longer the middle of the work week, but not quite the tail end of it. Bordom had quickly swept over all of Mustang’s employees and it was only 11 o’clock. All of the annoying bits of paper work had been done within an hour. Crowley had watered and threatened his plants and was now sitting aimlessly on his desk playing keep away with Cain’s glasses.
Some guy by the name of Hughes had kept Mustang on the phone all morning, leaving the Colonel with an expression that simulated utter annoyance and yet patience all at once. Crowley had been betting with the hibiscus whether or not it would turn sour.
Roy finally put a stop to the torturing of Cain, “CROWLEY! GIVE CAIN BACK HIS GLASSES NOW.”
”Hmph,” Crowley handed the black frames back to Cain begrudgingly. He turned to the hibiscus, “I win.”
The hibiscus blossomed pitifully.
"Sounds like your new Lieutenant’s giving you problems, Roy," Hughes changed the subject from Elycia to actual matters.
Crowley gave Roy an extremely faux angelic grin. Roy grimaced, “That’s a bit of an understatement Hughes. He put a garden on my desk.”
"Why's that a problem? Gracia loves Rosemary!"
"Hughes…." Roy's voice had a hint of warning. “The man threatens plants.”
Silence. "Ooooo-kay. He threatens them?"
"Yes. With a ruler. And theme music."
”And some guy named Andrew Lloyd Webber.”
"Should I send you-know-who?"
A villain from a book series flared into Roy's mind. "What?!"
"I mean, Armstrong."
An entirely different "villain" came to mind.
Roy paused, “No, I think I’ve figured a way to get him out of our hair for a few hours.”
Hughes sighed. "Well, you know the Elric Brothers' train is coming in…about two, I think."
”Mm,” Roy nodded. “I’ll talk to you later Hughes.” Roy placed the phone back onto the receiver and scanned the office. There he was. Lieutenant A.J. Crowley. Torturing a daisy with one of Havoc's lighters.
"Lieutenant Crowley!" Mustang barked.
Crowley grumbled and dropped the lighter into the daisy’s pot, “Whatdya want now?”
"I need you to go pick someone up for me."
Crowley rolled his yellow eyes behind his sunglasses. “How specific you are sir. I’ll go out and go find you a hobo to shag in the closet.”
There was an explosion above Crowley's left ear, nearly dislodging his sunglasses. The demon fumbled to keep his specs on his face. When he looked up, Mustang was holding a photo of a blond boy in a long red coat, glaring at the camera.
"His name is Edward Elric. I need you to pick up him and his brother at the train station."
Crowley grumbled under his breath. “Fine, fine, time and platform and I’m gonna need your car.”
"Nine and three quarters at precisely ten AM."
"Sir.” Riza sighed. “There is no platform Nine and Three Quarters and it's all ready 11:15."
"Platform Nine, at two PM." Mustang tossed him the keys. "Don't scratch it."
”Yeah, sure,” Crowley caught the keys and staggered out of the door. He had two hours and forty five minutes until 2 PM, which gave him complete freedom from work.
Aziraphale was making himself hot chocolate, when the beautiful woman who seemed to never have appointments approached. This time she had a friend. The friend was about her height but the hair was extremely…well, different.
It resembled the top of a palm tree, although a bit more stringy. It was most certainly green, although a very dark shade of it. Az blinked several times at the man’s hair, quite alarmed by it. “Er…can I help you?” He placed his cup of cocoa on his desk.
"Yeah," Palm Tree said with a grin. "We're looking for P-"
"We're looking for the Fuhrer." The beautiful woman purred, cutting off the other one. "And, before you ask, we don't have an appointment, again, sorry."
Aziraphale nodded understandingly and hit the intercom into the Fuhrer’s office. “Sir? The woman from yesterday is here to see you again. She has a companion.” Az made a mental note to contact Crowley as soon as he could.
"Ah. Show her in."
"Tea or coffee, sir?"
”Both, if you don’t mind.”
Az paused and looked from the woman to the Palm Tree. The Palm Tree struck him as the kind to get a caffeine high. “Of course sir. Two cups of tea and one of coffee?”
The angel stood and nodded, showing them to the door behind his desk.
The palm tree raised a perplexed eyebrow to the beautiful woman. As soon as the door was shut behind them the palm tree opened his mouth. “You’re right. I don’t trust him.”
"He reminds me of someone." Lust murmured. "Don't you agree, Envy?"
"Eh, I just don't like him." He frowned, annoyed.
Outside, Aziraphale had put on the coffee maker and the kettle. As he waited, he decided that now might be an opportune time to ring Crowley up.
”Hello?” Mustang’s voice came on the other end of the phone.
”Erm hello,” Az said. “I’m looking for, oh blast, what’s his rank, Lieutenant Crowley?”
Who on earth would be looking for him?! Mustang thought as he said, "I'm sorry, I just sent him to pick someone up from the train station. Who is this?"
”The fuhrer’s secretary,” Az informed Roy cheerfully. “Could you please tell him to give me a call back when he returns? It’s important.”
"…" Roy almost said, 'No, I'm not his secretary,' but somehow felt that to be wrong. "Yes, I'll let him know."
"Thanks." The receiver went 'click' in Roy's ear.
"That was interesting," Roy muttered. He glanced at the clock. Ten 'til two. He wondered where Crowley was.
Two hours and forty five minutes passed very quickly for A.J. Crowley, who spent his time off from work getting quite drunk. He was now standing impatiently at platform 9, tapping his thick boots while waiting for some guy named Edward Elric. Whoever this Ed person was, he certainly was taking a very long time to find Crowley.
He heard a loud train whistle, signaling a train's approach.
The train slowed to a halt and the passengers began to file off. Crowley watched the passengers leave, trying to locate Ed. He saw a large suit of armour, walking…wait. A suit of armour walking? Whoever this Edward person could wait. The big, shiny suit of armour had captured Crowley’s attention. It seemed to be panicking. "Nii-san! We were supposed to go to see Colonel Mustang-"
”I had no idea Edward Elric was a giant suit of armour,” Crowley thought to himself.
And then, an older voice came. "Ah, come on. A quick detour to the library...he'll never know!" The source of the voice walked a little ahead of the suit of armor. Blond hair, red jacket, black shirt....
Crowley glanced from the picture Mustang had given him to the older voice. It was the same person. He sighed heavily, “You Edward Elric?” He attempted to sound assertive, but really he was bored.
The kid turned. "Yeah, that's me…" He looked up at Crowley, seeing a uniform.
”Good. Mustang sent me on an errand to pick you up. Grab your stuff and let’s go.”
Ed groaned. "Jeez…well, at least it's not Havoc…his cigarette ashes always hit me in the face…"
Crowley rolled his eyes. "Whatever. Let's get a move on, 'kay? I don't feel like catching on fire today. Wait." Crowley paused and turned around. "Excuse my French, but who the bloody hell is in that suit of armour?"
"O-oh!!" The suit of armor's voice made Crowley wince. "I'm sorry, my name is Alphonse Elric, I'm Ed's little brother."
”What kind of a brother,” Crowley blinked, “Lets his younger brother parade about in a tin can like a loony?”
Ed gave a glare of death™. "It's a very long story."
Al gave a pitiful whimper. "D-don't get mad at him, Nii-san…."
”Whatever, forget I asked.” Crowley lead the two to Mustang’s car and climbed into the driver’s seat. Seeing that Al was in securely, Crowley felt free to inch the car along the curb every time Ed attempt to get into the car.
"OI!" The tiny state alchemist yelled. "Cut it out!"
Crowley grinned wickedly at Ed and stopped the car, allowing the alchemist to climb in and be seated. He started up the car and began to speed into on coming traffic. About five minutes into driving, Crowley flipped on the radio.
And then he blessed under his breath. Queen was playing.
"What is this stuff?" Ed frowned.
WEEEEEEEEEEEE ARE THE CHAMPIONS
CROWLEY. The radio was speaking to him.
”Not good, not good, not good,” Crowley thunked his head on the steering wheel, causing the horn to blow.
A very, very loud, "WHAT THE HELL?!" Came from the back seat.
”Your infernal majesty, PLEASE,” Crowley reasoned with his radio. His face was bright red. “This is NOT a good time.”
TAKE THE SENIC ROUTE CROWLEY.
"I have a guest, I have to be-"
Crowley shot an apologetic glance at Ed and Al before he turned on his blinker. “Sir, really. This isn’t a good time. There are mortals in the car.”
KICK THEM OUT.
”I can’t do that!” Crowley screamed at his radio.
”TURN THE GODDAMN THING OFF,” Ed shrieked. Crowley did so.
NOT FUNNY CROWLEY.
”WHAT THE HELL?!” Ed screamed. “I THOUGHT YOU TURNED IT OFF.”
”I DID!” Crowley shouted back at Ed.
"Nii-san!" Alphonse whimpered.
"Not NOW, AL."
Ed was ten seconds away from transmuting the radio into an indescribable warp of metal.
”Get out of the car,” Crowley hissed at Ed and Al. “I’ll pick you two up later.”
"W-wait, Miste-" Alphonse stammered.
"YOU CAN'T JUST-"
Crowley turned around, “I’M TELLING YOU TO GET OUT OF THIS GODDAMNED CAR NOW DO IT BEFORE I REPORT YOU TO MUSTANG FOR DISOBEYING ORDERS.”
”I’M HIGHER UP THAN YOU!”
”I’M OLDER THAN YOU SHRIMP BOY.”
"WHO THE HELL ARE YOU CALLING AN ULTRA-HYPER TINY GRAIN OF RICE?!"
"APPARENTLY, YOU!!" Crowley climbed into the back of the car and kicked one of the doors open. He grabbed Ed by the braid and picked up the squirming teenager, throwing him bodily out of the car. “I’ll be back in 15 minutes.”
Al tumbled out behind his brother, yelling "NII-SAN!" Crowley was vaguely aware of his helmet falling off. Crowley slammed the car doors shut and got back into his driver’s seat. “Sorry,” he apologized to the radio. “They didn’t need to hear the information. Please make sure there’s no one in the car with me next time.”
WHATEVER CROWLEY. THIS WAS YOUR IDEA.
Crowley grimaced. “I was hoping you people would use telephones or something. Look. What is it?”
YOU BETTER NOT SCREW THIS ONE UP, CROWLEY.
The demon rolled his eyes, thinking, That's all?
ALSO, KEEP A CLOSE EYE ON THOSE KIDS YOU JUST TOSSED OUT OF THE CAR.
Crowley immediately looked in his mirrors. Ed was chasing after the car. “SHIT.”
NOT LIKE THAT. THEY’RE INTEGRAL TO THE PLAN.
”Oh, right. Sorry.”
THAT IS ALL.
Now that Crowley had .05 seconds to himself, he wondered- who would chew him out worse, Mustang, or this Elric kid? He stopped the car, allowing Ed and Al to catch up. “Sorry.” He muttered as the two got back in. “Conversation you two weren’t supposed to hear."
"From," Angry pant, "your," angry huff, "car," pant, "radio?" Ed growled.
”Yes,” Crowley said as-a-matter-of-factly. He started the car up again and began to speed towards HQ. Ed gave up. This guy was too weird for him.
They reached HQ in five minute’s time. The trio stepped into Mustang’s office.
"Hey, Fullmetal." Roy said, not looking up from paperwork.
"THIS GUY'S A LOONY!"
”I GOT YOU HERE ALL IN ONE PIECE,” Crowley immediately rushed to his own defense.
"No, you DIDN'T, you knocked off Al's-" He cut himself off, having forgotten that the man didn't know about Al's "situation".
”Your tin can is fine!” Crowley snapped. “Jesus, could have been worse you know.”
Al whimpered. "Tin can…"
"AL IS NOT A TIN CAN!" Ed screeched.
Mustang sighed heavily. “Crowley, you received a phone call earlier from the fuhrer’s secretary. Why don’t you go return his call?”
Crowley paused. Az was calling him? Internally? This was a bit worrisome. But then again, Crowley reasoned with himself, this would spare him the wrath of Ed and Roy.
"OH, NO YOU DON'T! Mustang, you prick, how could you let him get away?!"
"Orders are orders, kiddo!" And Crowley shot out of the room.
Havoc and Cain sensed storm clouds brewing in Mustang’s office. They both declared “BATHROOM BREAK” at the same time and shot out of there. Ed fumed, and then found himself staring at Mustang’s desk.
”What the hell?!”
"Crowley," Roy said dryly. "He is quite possibly- next to you, of course- the most annoying and disturbing person I have encountered."
Ed stared at Mustang’s desk. “No. I think he wins. What is with the PLANTS?!”
"Feng Shui." Mustang replied simply.
Ed opened his mouth and then closed it, deciding that it was better not to ask. “Fine. Why’d you call me and Al down here?”
"We've heard reports about the desert city of Liore…we thought that you might be interested." Mustang had turned serious.
Ed nodded, understanding exactly what Mustang was trying to say. “Al. Shut the door.”
Else places, Crowley was listening to Aziraphale prattle about the Palm Tree that had come into the office earlier, and who was apparently still there. “Yes, I know they’re a bit strange but what did you expect?”
Aziraphale shrugged, “I simply wasn’t expecting someone so…out of the ordinary. And a palm tree hair style certainly falls into “out of the ordinary”.”
”Yeah, I know, but come on,” Crowley shrugged. “Anyway, about our conversation yesterday. Does the surname of ‘Elric’ ring any bells for you?”
"Sounds familiar…" Aziraphale murmured, sipping now-cold cocoa.
”I got a radio message at a very inopportune time today. Apparently they’re important to this whole operation, so keep an eye on ‘em. I assume your side already knows about the two though.”
"OH!" Aziraphale remembered. "Yes! Them. They're ours. Poor, poor children…"
Crowley decided against hearing a sob story from Aziraphale and looked for a good excuse to get off the phone. “I’ll keep you informed on where they’re heading next. Somehow I have a feeling that one of us is gonna be forced to follow them.”
"Ah. Well. Who knows, then? I suppose that it is ineffable."
”Yeah. Could be worse though,” Crowley shrugged. “I’ve got to get going.”
Oh, never mind, then. Aziraphale frowned at the phone.
End Chapter Three
Colours by Me