Gavean Bastet (son_of_bastet) wrote in fm_alchemist,
Gavean Bastet
son_of_bastet
fm_alchemist

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SHPS

heheh. sorry, but had this in my head and had to get it out. I know some people will get a laugh out of this crack, but it might break others' brains. from the guy who produced FMA clerks comes this 20th century fox production ;P



INT. STUDY NIGHT

ARMOR AL The NARRATOR is in his armchair. He leans forward with some urgency.

ARMOR AL
And so it seemed that fortune had smiled
on Ed and Winry and that they had found
the assistance that their plight required -
or had they?

Thunderclap.

WIPE TO

EXT. FRONT DOOR OF THE CASTLE NIGHT

ED rings the doorbell. It makes a strange sound.

WINRY
Oh, Ed. Let's go back. I'm cold
and I'm frightened.

ED
Just a moment, Winry. They may have
a telephone.

The door opens. Throbbing music is heard in the background as if there
is a party going on in the distance.

The figure we have seen at the window emerges. He is a hunch-backed
servant, MAES HUGHES.

HUGHES
Hello.

ED
Uh - oh - Hi! My name is Edward Elric.
And this is my fiancee, Winry Rockbell. I -
ah - wondered if you could help us. Our
car has broken down about two miles up the
road. Do you have a phone we might use?

HUGHES
You're wet.

WINRY
Yes, the rain has been very heavy.

ED
Yes.

HUGHES
Yes.

EXT. CASTLE NIGHT

A bolt of lighting illuminates a row of vehicles parked by the castle.

EXT. FRONT DOOR OF CASTLE NIGHT

ED sees them and reacts with surprise.

HUGHES realises ED has seen them.

HUGHES
I think you had better both come inside.

Winry
You're too kind.

They enter apprehensively.

DISSOLVE

INT. STAIRWAY NIGHT

HUGHES leads them down a stairway and beckons them to follow.

The MUSIC has become louder.

WINRY
(sotto voce)
Oh Ed, I'm frightened. What kind
of place is this?

ED
(sotto voce)
Oh, it's probably some kind of hunting
lodge for rich weirdos.

CUT TO

INT. HALLWAY NIGHT

They arrive at a hallway at the bottom of the stairs. Another servant,
RIZA, is sweeping the stairs unseen by ED and WINRY.

HUGHES
This way.

WINRY steps forward.

WINRY
Are you - giving a party?

HUGHES
No. You've arrived on a rather special
night. It's one of the master's affairs.

WINRY
Oh, lucky him.

RIZA
He's lucky.

ED and WINRY look at RIZA, surprised by her voice.

RIZA
You're lucky, I'm lucky, we're all
lucky.

ED and WINRY are rather unnerved by this outburst from the domestic.
They look back to HUGHES. He is now standing by a set of mirrors
reflecting to infinity.

HUGHES
It's astounding
Time is fleeting
Madness takes its toll
But listen closely
Not for very much longer
I've got to keep control.

RIZA gives HUGHES a strange signal.

HUGHES starts to dance in an extraordinary fashion.

HUGHES
I remember doing the Time Warp.

ED and WINRY are amazed.

HUGHES
Drinking those moments when
The blackness would hit me.

RIZA half closes her eyes in pleasure.

WINRY clings to ED.

HUGHES
And the void would be calling.

HUGHES opens a set of double doors marked BALLROOM.

INT. BALLROOM NIGHT

ED and WINRY find themselves on a balcony of a huge black and silver
ballroom. At the furthest end is a throne-like chair and, surrounding
it, a theatre proscenium. In the body of the room are GUESTS. They are
the people ED and WINRY passed on the road. They are the
Transylvanian Secret Agents - assembled on this special occasion from
all over the earth. It is the Annual Transylvanian Convention -
announced by an official banner suspended over the Ballroom. They are
all dressed in strange but elegant evening wear. They are a distorted
version of the GUESTS from the Havoc wedding. A party spirit prevails,
they throw their arms out in a plea to HUGHES on the balcony.

GUESTS
Let's do the Time Warp again.

WINRY falls into ED's arms.

HUGHES is ecstatic.

ED revives WINRY.

GUESTS
(repeating action)
Let's do the Time Warp again.

WINRY faints again.

CUT TO

INT. STUDY NIGHT

ARMOR AL moves from his desk to the wall behind him. He pulls down
a chart with illustrated dance steps on it. He gestures to the
appropriate section of the diagram with the pointer.

ARMOR AL
It's just a jump to the left.

WIPE TO

INT. BALLROOM NIGHT

The GUESTS leap to the left in one giant step.

GUESTS
(dancing)
And a step to the right - right -
right - right - right.

WIPE TO

INT. STUDY NIGHT

ARMOR AL points to next step on the chart.

ARMOR AL
With your hands on your hips.

WIPE TO

INT. BALLROOM NIGHT

ALL GUESTS have hands on hips.

GUESTS
You bring your knees in tight.
But it's the pelvic thrust.

The rows of GUESTS open out with pelvic thrusts.

GUESTS (Cont)
They really drive you insane.

We see them from the balcony and they open out in formation.

GUESTS (Cont)
Let's do the Time Warp again.

WINRY revives.

The GUESTS re-form.

GUESTS
Let's do the Time Warp again.

ED and WINRY make a run out the door.

CUT TO

INT. STAIRWAY NIGHT

They collide with RIZA who has blocked off the corridor.
She sings with a lust, waving her arms dangerously.

RIZA
It's so dreamy
Oh, fantasy free me
So you can't see me
No not at all.

ED and WINRY look at each other in alarm.

In another dimension.
(she forces them back towards
balcony)
With voyeuristic intention.

ED blushes.

Well secluded I see all

HUGHES
With a bit of a mind flip

RIZA
You're into the time slip

HUGHES
And nothing will ever seem the same.

They are back at the balcony.

RIZA
You're spaced out on sensation.

They are at the edge of the balcony. HUGHES shout/screams out.

HUGHES
Like you're under sedation.

They force ED and WINRY into the Ballroom proper.

The GUESTS turn on them.

GUESTS
Let's do the Time Warp again.

ED and WINRY are completely dismayed.

GUESTS
Let's do the Time Warp again.

MARTEL, a young girl, is the household groupie. She sings with the
band at the end of the Ballroom.

CUT TO

INT. BANDSTAND NIGHT

MARTEL
Well I was walking down the street
Just having a think
When a snake of a guy
Gave me an evil wink.
Well it shook me up
It took me by surprise
He had a pick-up truck
And the devil's eyes
He stared at me
And I felt a change
Time meant nothing
Never would again.

CUT TO

INT. BALLROOM NIGHT

GUESTS
Let's do the Time Warp again.

ED and WINRY are reeling.

GUESTS
Let's do the Time Warp again.

CUT TO

INT. STUDY NIGHT

ARMOR AL has now become rather involved in the dance and is
standing on the blotter on the top of his desk.

ARMOR AL
It's just a jump to the left.

He jumps to the left.

WIPE TO

INT. BALLROOM NIGHT

GUESTS
And then a step to the right.

The GUESTS take one.

WIPE TO

INT. STUDY NIGHT

ARMOR AL is dancing on the desk.

ARMOR AL
With your hands on your hips.

The desk then cracks and breaks due to the
weight of ARMOR AL and his dancing on it.

WIPE TO

INT. BALLROOM NIGHT

GUESTS
You bring your knees in tight.

OVERHEAD TRAVELLING SHOT.

But it's the pelvic thrust.

LOW TRAVELLING SHOT between their legs.

That really drives you insane.
Let's do the Time Warp again.

Everyone reverses direction.

Let's do the Time Warp again.

All the GUESTS fall to the floor like flies exhausted.

CUT TO

INT. BALCONY/HALLWAY NIGHT

WINRY
Ed....Say something.

ED
Say! Do any of you guys know the Resembool?

No one laughs.

GUESTS turn nasty.

INT. HALL/LIFT NIGHT

ED and WINRY retreat to the hall. Behind them a lift slowly descends
bearing a figure in a black cloak and a diamante stiletto heel - beating
time to a rhythm the band has started playing.

WINRY
Ed, please lets get out of here.

ED
For God's sake keep a grip on yourself Winry.

WINRY
But it seems so unhealthy here.

ED
It's just a..a party Winry.

WINRY
Well I want to leave.

ED
We can't go anywhere until I get to a phone.

WINRY
Then ask the butler - or someone.

ED
Let's wait awhile Winry. We don't want
to interfere with their celebrations.

WINRY
This isn't the Junior Chamber of
Commerce Ed.

ED
They're probably foreigners with ways
different from our own. - They may
do some more folk dancing.

WINRY
Ed - I'm cold, I'm wet, and plain scared.

ED
I'm here, there's nothing to worry about.

GUESTS rise, staring mesmerised at the lift.

WINRY sees the shoe, looks up at the face of its owner.

WINRY faints.


INT. LIFT/HALL NIGHT

The figure turns and throws open lift cage door. As camera zooms in to
the death mask above them the film changes from black and white to
colour. However the only colour in evidence is the red lipstick on the
mouth of their host.

ROY
How do you do.

I see you've met my faithful handyman.
He's a little brought down -
Because when you knocked
He thought you were the candyman.

HUGHES scowls.

INT. BALLROOM NIGHT

ROY
Don't get strung out by the way
that I look.

ROY strides across the Ballroom to the throne.

ROY
Don't judge a book by its cover
I'm not much of a man
By the light of day
But by night I'm one hell of a lover.

WINRY gives a silent scream.

ROY lets the cloak fall onto the throne, which reveals his
transvestite attire.

The GUESTS scream with delight.

ROY
I'm just a sweet Transvestite
From Transexual Transylvania.

He slowly moves back to ED and WINRY, doing leg kicks.

Let me show you around, maybe play you a sound
You look like you're both pretty groovie.

He circles them and forces them into the Ballroom.

Or if you want something visual
not too abysmal
We could take in an old Steve Reeves movie.

ED clumsily attempts to circle around ROY. ROY meanwhile ignores
him and greets his other guests.

ED
I'm glad we caught you at home
Ah - could we use your phone
We're both in a bit of a hurry.

WINRY joins ED.

WINRY
Right!

ED
We'll just say where we are
Then go back to the car
We don't want to be any worry.

ROY turns on them.

ROY
You got caught with a flat
Well how about that
Well babies don't you panic
By the light of the night
It'll seem alright
I'll get you a satanic mechanic.

ROY turns his back on ED and WINRY and splitting the ranks of his
GUESTS, departs for the other end of the Ballroom. Streamers fall.

ROY
I'm just a sweet transvestite
From Transexual Transylvania.

From the throne he gestures towards ED and WINRY rather slowly over
the next verse.

FRANK
Why dont'cha stay for the night

HUGHES & RIZA
"night"
Or maybe a bite

HUGHES & RIZA
"bite"
I could show you my favourite obsession
I've been making a man
With white hair and a tan
And he's good for relieving my tension.

We view from OVERHEAD as the GUESTS surround him adoringly.

ROY
I'm just a sweet transvestite
From Transexual Transylvania.

ROY storms down the Ballroom to the lift.

I'm just a sweet transvestite.

GUESTS
"Sweet Transvestite"

ROY
From Transexual Transylvania.

GUESTS
"Transylvania"

INT. LIFT AREA

ROY
So come up to the Lab.

CUT TO

CHORD: SUBLIMINAL FLASH - LABORATORY

CUT TO

INT. LIFT AREA

ROY (Cont)
And see what's on the slab.

CUT TO

CHORD: SUBLIMINAL FLASH - ROCKY'S BIRTH IN THE LABORATORY

CUT TO

INT. LIFT AREA

ROY (Cont)
I see you shiver with antici........pation.

CUT TO

CHORD: SUBLIMINAL FLASH OF LOVE MAKING

CUT TO

INT. LIFT AREA

ROY (Cont)
But maybe the rain

CUT TO

CHORD: FLASH - THE CAR AND THE WINDSCREEN WIPERS

CUT TO

INT. LIFT AREA

ROY (Cont)
Is really to blame

CUT TO

CHORD: SUBLIMINAL FLASH - THE WEDDING

CUT TO

INT. LIFT AREA

ROY (Cont)
So I'll remove the cause
But not the symptom

CUT TO

INT. BALLROOM NIGHT

On the last chord the lift has disappeared.

The GUESTS applaud ecstatically.

HUGHES and RIZA close in on ED and WINRY. They remove ED and
WINRY's wet clothes.

MARTEL moves down from the bandstand and crosses to ED and WINRY.
She witnesses the undressing.

MARTEL
Slowly, slowly. It's too nice a job
to rush.

The GUESTS moan softly as each piece of clothing is removed.

ED and WINRY stand shivering in their underwear.

There is complete silence.

The GUESTS and SERVANTS are motionless.

ED and WINRY are the total object of their attention.
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