Katu (fullmetalkatu) wrote in fm_alchemist,

It's the End of Amestris As We Know It- Part Two

Title: It’s the End of Amestris as We Know It- Part Two
Authors: fullmetalkatu and megkips
Series: It’s the End of Amestris as We Know It
Crossing Over: Fullmetal Alchemist and Good Omens
Rating: PG
Warnings: Standard Series Warnings Apply for FMA anime. Complete and Utter Ending Spoilers for Good Omens
Explanation: Basically this is because the new FMA game has a bad guy by the name of Jack Crowley. If any of you have read the book "Good Omens" by Neil Gaiman and Terry Pratchett, you'll understand why we made the connection from Jack Crowley to A.J. Crowley.
Authors' Notes: If you haven't read Good Omens, read it. It's pretty much the Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy but with the Bibical End of Days. (We hope that Neil Gaiman and Terry Pratchett never finds this.)
Previous Chapters: Chapter 1

It’s the End of Amestris as We Know It.
Chapter Two

Crowley flung open the door to the office where he worked carrying a large tray of potted petunias in his arms. He was immediately greeted by a long jet of fire aimed very close to his head. "Hello, Colonel!" He gave a big, big, fake grin. "What a pleasure to see you!"

Riza was standing behind Roy at his desk, holding a pile of paperwork.

Crowley put the petunias down on his desk, “Be right back, there are more plants in the car.”

”This isn’t a greenhouse Crowley,” Mustang hissed through gritted teeth. “The plants can wait.”

Crowley’s eyes shifted from left to right behind his sunglasses, trying to figure out the quickest escape route.

”And take your sunglasses off,” Riza added.

"'Fraid I can't do that, ma'am." Crowley put his hands up in peaceful offering.

There was a single gunshot, and Crowley's sunglasses skittered across the floor. Crowley blessed under his breath, but made no move to rescue his precious eyewear. He really didn't want to open his eyes. Crowley was more afraid of looking down the barrel of a gun than showing off his glowing, yellow eyes. He simply went, “Shit.”

"What's wrong, Lieutenant Crowley?" Mustang's voice hinted a smile.

”Erm,” Crowley racked his brain for an extremely good excuse for why he was keeping his eyes shut. “Could you turn the lights off? I’m extremely sensitive to light.”

"I'm sure you can handle it for a little bit."

Mustang heard Crowley whisper something about "one of us".

”No, I really can’t,” Crowley protested. “Do you want to blind me?!”

"Oh, for god's sake." Mustang looked at Hawkeye, who flicked out the lights, and then flicked them back on again in a fraction of a second.

Crowley’s yellow eyes glared at Mustang most unamused for about two seconds before they shut themselves. On their side my ass. I bet this is Hastur’s doing.

Roy raised an intrigued eyebrow.

"What?!" Crowley spat.

"Oh…nothing, never mind." He was grinning now. "Just get to work." Riza was already halfway across the room when he started the sentence, and by the end of it, Crowley had paperwork in hand.

"I demand permission to wear my sunglasses, then," the demon muttered bitterly.

Mustang smiled, now. "You owe me one, then."

"Fine." Crowley leaned down, and felt for his glasses. He picked them up and shoved them on. Mustang could have sworn there was a slight glow behind them. The demon looked at the paperwork he had been handed.

"….THIS IS YOUR PAPERWORK!" He screeched.

Mustang shrugged, “I said that you owed me one. You’re paying me back for letting you wear your sunglasses indoors by doing my paperwork. Its real monkey stuff, just stuffing 500 envelopes.”

"Sir, yessir." Crowley growled without even faking a salute and sulking out of the room to go unload the rest of the plants from Mustang’s car.


Aziraphale looked up from reading his current book to find himself face to face with an extremely elegant looking woman sitting on his desk. She was tall with wavy jet black hair. Az immediately noticed that she had a hour glass shape, something men would wolf whistle at given half a chance. “Can I help you?”

"Yes," she replied with a smile and a chocolaty purr. "I'm here to see Fuhrer Bradley."

"Ah." He smiled. "Do you have an appointment?"

"No, but he's expecting me."

"And yet, you don't have an appointment?" Az blinked and hit the intercom button. “Excuse me, sir? Were you expecting anyone today? There’s a woman here to see you, but she doesn’t have an appointment.” Aziraphale thought this strange occurrence for a moment or so and found himself pondering if this woman might be on Crowley’s side. If she was, then it made perfect sense for her not to have an appointment. But it was always best to check.

Fuhrer Bradley's voice responded. "Oh. Yes, yes, of course. I had almost forgotten she was to stop by. Show her in, please."

Aziraphale released the intercom button and stood up from his desk. It really wasn’t hard to find the Fuhrer’s office, it was right behind Aziraphale’s desk. However, it would have been rude and unprofessional for Aziraphale not to obey his boss and simply tell her in a Crowley like manner that she should just go “straight back from the desk”, so Aziraphale did as he was asked. He opened the door and pushed it inward, letting it swing open by itself.

Fuhrer Bradley's office was dark, save for the light from the curtains. It looked rather melodramatic, really.

"Should I bring you some tea, sir?" Aziraphale gave a smile.

Bradley smiled and politely declined, informing Aziraphale that there was no tea required or needed, but would ask him to bring some should the need arise. Aziraphale nodded and excused himself from the office, returning to his book.

Maybe next time, he thought to himself, flipping a page. I'll offer him coffee instead.

Lust frowned as the door shut, “There’s something about your new secretary I don’t like Bradley.”

"He is rather lively, isn't he? I'm not sure if it's that, or something else about him." Bradley smiled, closing the curtains.

”No, it’s something else,” Lust turned her cool gaze from the door to Bradley. “Any idea on where Fullmetal is heading to next?”

"After he goes back to East City, briefly, I do believe he is heading to Liore." Bradley's smile turned stern. “I will check with Mustang tomorrow.”

”Mm, I’ll take the first train out of here tomorrow” she nodded. “I should get going, I have a few more answers to get.”

"Oh? From whom?" Bradley cocked an eyebrow.

Lust flashed a snake like grin, “Who it is isn’t important at the moment. Nevertheless I should get going.”

"I understand." Bradley stood, heading towards the door.

”We’ll be in touch.” Lust showed herself out of Fuhrer Bradley’s office, her high heels clicking against the floor as she walked. Aziraphale barley looked up as she passed, as he was busy being intrigued by Ishbalian scripture.

”Aziraphale, could you make me a cup of tea?” Bradley questioned.

Az’s head popped up from reading. “Certainly. Are you sure you don’t want coffee?”

”Tea, if you please.”

Well then, Crowley was right.

Crowley shoved the piece of paper into the last envelope and felt his head flop down onto the desk. “Done,” he muttered.

"Lieutenant Crowley." Mustang's deep voice came from somewhere behind him.

"Oh, what now?"

Crowley felt himself being smacked upside the head. “Kindly set up that jungle you brought in from my car.”

"Sir, yessir," He growled begrudgingly. He stood and wandered over to the pile of plants that largely dominated the far corner of the room, and began arranging them just so, disabling Colonel Mustang from, 1) Reaching his desk, 2) If he did reach his desk, unable to see the top of it, and 3) Watching Crowley work with that smug grin of his. However, Mustang was off on a break as Crowley set up his greenhouse.

When Mustang returned from the bathroom and water fountain, he felt his urge to kill rise by 10 feet. “CROWLEY! WHAT THE HELL DID YOU DO TO MY DESK?!”

Crowley looked up from arranging a small bonsai tree near the colonel’s telephone. “It’s feng shui Colonel!”

"Feng shui, my ass. What's the point of all of this?!" Mustang glared.

”Feng shui,” Crowley replied as-a-matter-of-factly, “Is the arrangement of various items in the room to create a positive atmosphere and invite good luck and fortune to all those in the room. It comes from Xing. It also provides an excellent form of procrastination!”

A small smile crept up Mustang’s annoyed face, "Procrastination, you say?"

”You can’t exactly work if there’s a garden on your desk.” Crowley realized that he was inadvertently tempting the colonel.

"Procrastination" was definitely Mustang's favorite word. "I suppose that I'll have to put off punishing you for taking my desk and turning it into a garden later. Tell me, how on Earth do you plan to maintain your new greenhouse and keep it alive? Nothing lasts very long in this office."

”Simple. The same thing I do with my plants at home,” Crowley shrugged and placed a bowl of petunias to the upper left hand corner of Mustang’s desk. “Put fear into them.”

"Fear?" Mustang scoffed. "They're plants. They can't feel emotions."

"Oh, but they can, Colonel.”

Roy blinked at Crowley in sheer amazement, wondering if Crowley was right in the head. “Huh?”

”I heard on the radio that if you talk to plants they grow more. You’re supposed to say nice things to them and what not, but in an experiment, I discovered that threatening them makes them grow even faster. You just have to threaten them properly!”

"You're kidding me." Roy had his apathetic-but-curious stare on. Yes. Chalk another one up for the loony bin.

”Like this.” Crowley approached a hanging basket of geraniums and grabbed them, holding them a few feet from his face. He then turned to his vegetation audience and took in a deep breath and began to yell. “ALL RIGHT YOU MISERABLE MANGY MUTTS! SINCE YOU HAVEN'T BEEN GROWING ENOUGH, I'M AFRAID ONE OF YOU IS COMING WITH ME TO BE MADE AN EXAMPLE OF! YOU THERE." Crowley turned his attention to the geraniums and began yell at the flowers as if they had just committed murder. "YOU ARE AN UTTER WEAKLING! YOU SUCK. YOU'RE SCUM. YOU'LL NEVER AMMOUNT TO ANYTHING YOU PIECE OF DIRT!" Crowley glared at the other plants. "LET HIS DEATH BE AN EXAMPLE TO ALL OF YOU THAT YOU SHOULD GROW FASTER!” Crowley thrust the hanging basket over to Mustang, “Put it behind your back would ya?”

Mustang did so, but stared at Crowley like a deer in the headlights. If the plants weren't cowering in fear, Roy felt like he should be.

"OHO! WHAT IS THIS? WILTING?" This time, the demon spun and attacked a small pot of Ivy. He made a show of violently ripping off a leaf and shredding it. " YOU FOOLISH LITTLE MOLD SPOT. ONE MORE TIME. I DARE YOU."

Roy was convinced that he saw the plant turn a little greener and its stalks stiffen a little. Crowley flashed a nearly demonic smile at Roy before turning his attention to a pot of daisies and began to not swear but bless it. “GOD BE WITH YOU!” He thrashed the daisies about with a ruler he had found beside them.

"Colonel Mustang?" A large-eyed young man with dark hair and glasses looked in the room. When Roy turned around, he saw Hawkeye, Havoc and Fuery all outside the door saluting.

"At ease." Mustang said, almost relieved that they had shown up.

"Sir, we heard yelling-" Riza was cut off by Havoc.

"What the hell is with the plants?!"

“I was talking to them,” Crowley explained cheerfully. He immediately hid the ruler behind his back.

Havoc stared at Crowley, “Were…were… were you hitting them with that ruler?”

Crowley offered Havoc an unsettling grin. “Of course not. Why would anyone beat plants with a ruler?”

Havoc mentally labeled Crowley "Nutjob".

"Ahem. Yes." Roy nodded, still a little shell-shocked by the display of sheer violence on little plants. He stored one concept deep in his brain: Keep Lieutenant Crowley away from rulers. Or anything that could become weapons of any sort. In fact, trusting Crowley with a pencil could be dangerous. “Er, I think that we’re done for the day…”

Riza opened her mouth to inform Roy that this was not the case but Crowley pointed out something very important. “It’s five o’clock. That means two things: No more work and its happy hour.”

You couldn’t argue with sound logic like that. Upon Crowley’s mention of the fact it was quittin’ time, Havoc's face lit up like a kid at Christmas. Fuery noticed the change in the normally mellow Lieutenant.

When asked about it, he explained, "For once, I've got a date with a gal that Roy hasn't snagged from me!" in a joyful whisper.

Roy heard his name and turned. "What was that?"


Crowley made a mental note to buy a plant mister and bring it in tomorrow. He vaguely listened in on Havoc’s very quiet prattle about his girlfriend to Cain when he noticed a familiar female figure appear in the doorway. One of the people on his side was squeezing one of Mustang’s people for answers.

Damn they’re good.

Havoc's smile was so wide, it threatened to break the man's face, fall off, and do a little jig on the floor. "Baby! What are you doin' here?"

Lust stared for a split second and then forced a smile. "I had forgotten to tell you were to meet me, so I thought I'd pick you up." Her eyes darted briefly to Crowley, who was discreetly showing a pair of scissors to a bamboo plant.

Mustang shook his head, almost embarrassed for the foolish man. Riza was holding her head in one hand.


Crowley pocketed the scissors and whistled innocently. Fuery cast a backward glance at the madman. Cain could have sworn he heard Crowley humming “Duuun dun, duuuuu dun, DUNDUNDUNDUNDUN!” and clipping a leaf off of a small poppy.

Mustang, Hawkeye, Cain and Crowley decided that they would leave Havoc and his girlfriend to close up the office. Like Crowley had pointed out, it was happy hour.

”Sir,” Riza questioned Mustang, “Are you sure it was wise to leave Havoc to lock up the office?”

Mustang nodded, “As long as they don’t touch the plants I think we’ll be fine.”

End Chapter Two

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