Gavean Bastet (son_of_bastet) wrote in fm_alchemist,
Gavean Bastet
son_of_bastet
fm_alchemist

  • Mood:
  • Music:

FMA Clerks crack

ok, this bit of crack was thought up the day after I was doing some early morning chatting with therish. we ended up discussing the berserker song off the movie Clerks and putting it to where Legolas was singing it and then it got to a few others as well, but I forget what exactly. but anyways, I ended up thinking up FMA Clerks. here's a bit of it, that includes the 'Berserker' song.


EXT: CONVENIENCE STORE. DAY

ED, SILENT AL and SCAR lean against wall.

ED
"Not in me." That's what she says.
I gotta pull out and spank it to
get it on. So I blow a nut on her
belly, and I get out of there, just
as my uncle walks in. It was such a
close call. I tell you what,
though, I don't care if she is my
cousin, I'm gonna knock those boots
again tonight.

TWO GIRLS join them.

ED
Oh shit, look who it is. The human
vacuum.

WINRY
Scumbag. What are you doing?

ED
Nothing. Just hanging out with
Silent AL and his cousin.

WINRY
(to SILENT AL)
He's your cousin?

ED
Check this out, he's from Ishbal.

WINRY
No way.

ED
I swear to God. Silent AL, am I
lying?

SILENT AL shakes his head:

ED
See? And Silent Al never told a
lie in his life.

SCIESZKA
What part of Ishbal?

ED
I don't fucking know. What am I,
his biographer?
(to SCAR)
Scar, what part of Ishbal are you
from?

SCAR looks quizzically at SILENT AL.

SILENT AL
(in Ishbalian) Home.

SCAR
(comprehending)
Xerxes.

WINRY
He only speaks Ishbalian?

ED
He knows some English, but he can't
not speak it good like we do.

SCIESZKA
Is he staying here?

ED
He's moving to the big city next
week. He wants to be a metal singer.

WINRY
No way!

ED
Swear.
(to SCAR)
Scar, metal!

SCAR makes a metal face.

ED
That's his fucking metal face.
(to SCAR)
Scar, girls nice?

SCAR looks the girls up and down.

SCAR
Skrelnick.

ED
(laughs)
That's fucked up.

WINRY
What did he say?

ED
I don't know, man. He's a fucking
character.

SCIESZKA
He really wants to play metal?

ED
He's got his own band in Xerxes.
It's called "Fuck Your Military Dog Blue
Jeans" or something like that.

WINRY
That doesn't sound metal.

ED
You gotta hear him sing.
(to SCAR)
Scar, "Berserker!"

SCAR laughs and shakes his head.

ED
Come on, man, "Berserker!"

SCIESZKA
Does he sing in English or Ishbalian?

ED
English.
(to SCAR)
Come on, "Berserker!" Girls think
sexy.

SCAR
(relents)
Da. Da.

ED
He's gonna sing it. This is too
funny.

SCAR
(in broken English)
MY LOVE FOR YOU IS LIKE A TRUCK
BERSERKER! WOULD YOU LIKE SOME
MAKING FUCK? BERSERKER!

ED
(laughing)
That's fucking funny, man!

WINRY
Did he say "making fuck?"

ED
Wait, there's more.
(to SCAR)
Scar, sing...
(makes pot-smoking face)


SCAR
(nods in understanding)
MY LOVE FOR YOU IS LIKE A ROCK
BERSERKER! WOULD YOU LIKE TO SMOKE
SOME POT? BERSERKER!

SCAR busts a crimson metal sneer and cackles deeply.
CUT TO:

INT: VIDEO STORE. DAY

HUGHES leans back in his chair, staring up at the TV. The
theme to Star Wars plays. He stands, points the remote,
clicks the TV off, and ponders.

CUT TO:

EXT: VIDEO STORE. DAY

HUGHES locks the door and walks away, while SCAR sings for
the small crowd.

SCAR
MY LOVE FOR YOU IS TICKING CLOCK
BERSERKER! WOULD YOU LIKE TO SUCK MY
COCK? BERSERKER!

CUT TO:

INT: CONVENIENCE STORE. DAY

ROY is tugging at a can of Pringles potato chips. The can
is stuck on a GLUTTONY'S hand.

ROY
You hold the counter and I'll pull.

GLUTTONY
Usually I just turn the can upside
down.

ROY
(pulling)
Maybe we should soap your hand or
something.

GLUTTONY
(straining)
They oughta put some kind of
warning on these cans, like they do
with cigarettes.

ROY
I think it's coming now...

The can pops off and ROY staggers back a few steps. The
man rubs his hand.

GLUTTONY
Thanks. I thought I was gonna have
to go to the hospital.

ROY
I'll throw this out. Precautionary
measure.

GLUTTONY
Stings a little.

ROY
A word of advice: Sometimes it's
best to let those hard to reach
chips go.

ROY steps behind the counter.

GLUTTONY
Thanks.

GLUTTONY exits as HUGHES enters. ROY throws the canister
away.

ROY
Do you know that article is accurate?
Maria's really getting married!

HUGHES
You know what I just watched?

ROY
Me pulling a can off some moron's
fist.

HUGHES
Return of the Jedi.

ROY
Didn't you hear me? Maria really
is getting married.

HUGHES
Which did you like better: Jedi or
The Empire Strikes Back.

ROY
(exasperated)
Empire.

HUGHES
Blasphemy.

ROY
Empire had the better ending: Luke
gets his hand cut off, and finds
out Vader's his father; Han gets
frozen and taken away by Boba Fett.
It ends on such a down note. And
that's life-a series of down
endings. All Jedi had was a bunch
of Muppets.

HUGHES
There was something else going on
in Jedi. I never noticed it until
today.

HUGHES follows ROY as he cleans up around the store.

ROY
What's that?

HUGHES
All right, Vader's boss...

ROY
The Emperor.

HUGHES
Right, the Emperor. Now the Emperor
is kind of a spiritual figure, yes?

ROY
How do you mean?

HUGHES
Well, he's like the pope for the
dark side of the Force. He's a holy
man; a shaman, kind of, albeit an
evil one.

ROY
I guess.

HUGHES
Now, he's in charge of the Empire.
The Imperial government is under
his control. And the entire galaxy
is under Imperial rule.

ROY
Yeah.

HUGHES
Then wouldn't that logically mean
that it's a theocracy? If the head
of the Empire is a priest of some
sort, then it stands to reason that
the government is therefore one
based on religion.

ROY
It would stand to reason, yes.

HUGHES
Hence, the Empire was a fascist
theocracy, and the rebel forces
were therefore battling religious
persecution.

ROY
More or less.

HUGHES
The only problem is that at no
point in the series did I ever hear
Leia or any of the rebels declare a
particular religious belief.

ROY
I think they were Catholics.

A BLUE-COLLAR MAN half enters the door.

BLUE-COLLAR MAN
Are you open?

ROY
Yeah. Come in.

He goes to the coffee machine and makes a cup of joe.

HUGHES
You know what else I noticed in Jedi?

ROY
There's more?

HUGHES
So they build another Death Star,
right?

ROY
Yeah.

HUGHES
Now the first one they built was
completed and fully operational
before the Rebels destroyed it.

ROY
Luke blew it up. Give credit where
it's due.

HUGHES
And the second one was still being
built when they blew it up.

ROY
Compliments of Lando Calrissian.

HUGHES
Something just never sat right with
me the second time they destroyed
it. I could never put my finger on
it-something just wasn't right.

ROY
And you figured it out?

HUGHES
Well, the thing is, the first Death
Star was manned by the Imperial
army-storm troopers, dignitaries-
the only people onboard were
Imperials.

ROY
Basically.

HUGHES
So when they blew it up, no prob.
Evil is punished.

ROY
And the second time around...?

HUGHES
The second time around, it wasn't
even finished yet. They were still
under construction.

ROY
So?

HUGHES
A construction job of that magnitude
would require a helluva lot more
manpower than the Imperial army had
to offer. I'll bet there were
independent contractors working on
that thing: plumbers, aluminum
siders, roofers.

ROY
Not just Imperials, is what you're
getting at.

HUGHES
Exactly. In order to get it built
quickly and quietly they'd hire
anybody who could do the job. Do
you think the average storm trooper
knows how to install a toilet main?
All they know is killing and white
uniforms.

ROY
All right, so even if independent
contractors are working on the
Death Star, why are you uneasy with
its destruction?

HUGHES
All those innocent contractors
hired to do a job were killed-
casualties of a war they had
nothing to do with.
(notices Roy's confusion)
All right, look-you're a roofer,
and some juicy government contract
comes your way; you got the wife
and kids and the two-story in
suburbia-this is a government
contract, which means all sorts of
benefits. All of a sudden these
left-wing militants blast you with
lasers and wipe out everyone within
a three-mile radius.
(MORE)

HUGHES (CONT'D)
You didn't ask for that. You have
no personal politics. You're just
trying to scrape out a living.

The BLUE-COLLAR MAN joins them.

BLUE-COLLAR MAN
Excuse me. I don't mean to
interrupt, but what were you
talking about?

HUGHES
The ending of Return of the Jedi.

ROY
My friend is trying to convince me
that any contractors working on the
uncompleted Death Star were innocent
victims when the space station was
destroyed by the rebels.

BLUE-COLLAR MAN
Well, I'm a contractor myself. I'm
a roofer...
(digs into pocket and
produces business card)
Dunn and Reddy Home Improvements.
And speaking as a roofer, I can say
that a roofer's personal politics
come heavily into play when choosing
jobs.

HUGHES
Like when?

BLUE-COLLAR MAN
Three months ago I was offered a
job up in the hills. A beautiful
house with tons of property. It was
a simple reshingling job, but I was
told that if it was finished within
a day, my price would be doubled.
Then I realized whose house it was.

ROY
Whose house was it?

BLUE-COLLAR MAN
Basque Gran's.

HUGHES
"Iron Blood" Gran? The ganster?

BLUE-COLLAR MAN
The same. The money was right, but
the risk was too big. I knew who he
was, and based on that, I passed
the job on to a friend of mine.

ROY
Based on personal politics.

BLUE-COLLAR MAN
Right. And that week, the Archer
family put a hit on Iron Blood's
house. My friend was shot and
killed. He wasn't even finished
shingling.

HUGHES
No way!

BLUE-COLLAR MAN
(paying for coffee)
I'm alive because I knew there were
risks involved taking on that
particular client. My friend wasn't
so lucky.
(pauses to reflect)
You know, any contractor willing to
work on that Death Star knew the
risks. If they were killed, it was
their own fault. A roofer listens
to this...
(taps his heart)
not his wallet.

The BLUE-COLLAR MAN exits. ROY and HUGHES remain
respectfully quiet for a moment.


and if you all want, I can try and do more of it ;P
Subscribe
  • Post a new comment

    Error

    Comments allowed for members only

    Anonymous comments are disabled in this journal

    default userpic

    Your reply will be screened

    Your IP address will be recorded 

  • 19 comments