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28 June 2005 @ 11:42 pm
Inspired by far too many lewd 'milk' jokes.

Title: Milk
Rating: G (to R, depending on how your mind works)
Spoilers: none

Edward awoke to a gentle shaking sensation. His brother was standing over him, one leather gloved hand on his shoulder. The suit of armor stopped as Edward sat up, stretching his arms out and yawning hugely. Idly scratching the back of hit head, Edward said, "What is it, Al? It's six in the morning..." The blond's eyes were still half closed, and he looked ready to drop off again at any moment. "You know I was up late yesterday..."

"But Brother, Colonel Mustang wants to see you," Al said, holding up his hands innocently. "He said he had something to discuss, but he wouldn't tell me what it was."

Edward snorted. "Trust Mustang to wake me up at six in the goddamn morning..." he muttered. He shook his head, arched his back, and got up, heading into the bathroom. "Tell him I'll be there by seven," he said, then closed the door.


Roy resisted the urge to look up as a considerably more awake Edward Elric, dressed in his signature black and red getup, pushed open the door to his office and walked in. Edward stopped in front of his desk and stood there with his arms crossed, tapping his foot impatiently. Two, five, ten minutes passed, as Edward's temper smoldered like a slow fire and Roy pretended to be engrossed in a report about the rising cost of imported silk from Xing. In a battle of patience, Edward was doomed to lose. "Well?" he finally said, as Roy showed no sign of acknowledging his presence at all.

Roy looked up at last in an utterly insincere show of surprise. "Fullmetal, there you are," he said, looking about as unsurprised as it was possible for anyone to get. "You should have knocked; you know that I can't see you over the phone on my desk."

"Who're you calling so short that you have to get down on your hands and knees just to see him?" Edward shouted, doing a remarkable impression of a volcano, if volcanoes were short and blond. Only military protocol kept him from grabbing the smirking Colonel by the lapels of his coat and swinging him around and out the window.

Roy grinned, cleared his throat, and said, "Anyway, Fullmetal... I have heard from a reliable inside source that you refuse to drink milk." Edward twitched guiltily. "As your commanding officer, it is my responsibility to see to it that you take your calcium. So..." Roy looked around, as if making sure there was nobody within earshot. "Seeing as you don't like normal milk, how would you like to try some of mine?"

"What?" Edward said, taken aback.

"My milk," repeated Roy. "In my opinion, it's creamier, tastier, and more nutritious than normal milk."

An ugly thought reared its head, and Edward colored abruptly. "Mustang-"

"And moreover," the Colonel continued, as if Edward hadn't said anything, "it doesn't come from cows."

"But... but..." Edward sputtered, his brain trying and failing to make sense of the situation.

"So what do you say, Fullmetal?" Roy said, "Why don't you come with me right now and I'll give you some." To Edward, it seemed that the Colonel's grin was far too wide for its own good.


Al, who had been waiting outside, looked up as the door to Colonel Mustang's office slammed open and Edward burst out, his face a remarkable shade of red that somehow managed to perfectly match the color of his coat. Before Al could do more than stand up, Edward whipped around and shouted, "You are one sick bastard, Mustang! Sick!!"

"Brother-" Al started to say, then yelped in surprise as Edward wordlessly grabbed his hand and dragged him off, narrowly avoiding full frontal collision with First Lieutenant Hawkeye. Al's faint protests faded quickly as the brothers disappeared around a corner.

Hawkeye entered Mustang's office and set the mug she'd been carrying down on his desk. "Your daily mug of goat's milk, sir," she said, then paused for a moment. "Pardon my asking, sir, but why was Edward so upset on his way out?"

Mustang grinned innocently, bringing the mug to his lips. "I don't have the faintest idea," he said. "Perhaps he misunderstood what I was saying?"

My take on RoyxEd. :P
다니: Edward + Alphonse - What are you lookingkawaiikitty on June 28th, 2005 07:50 am (UTC)
...that's hilarious.

Just something he'd pull, too. XD
coffee_insanity on June 28th, 2005 02:39 pm (UTC)
Isn't it? :snirks:

Edward is scarred for life.
(Deleted comment)
coffee_insanity on June 28th, 2005 02:40 pm (UTC)
:blinks innocently: And why would your brain be there? :D
I got soul, but I'm not a soldier: OMGKakashisilchi on June 28th, 2005 08:22 am (UTC)
Oh dear. XD

Sounds like Roy all right.
coffee_insanity on June 28th, 2005 02:40 pm (UTC)
Always eager to take advantage of poor Edward's mallable mind, is our Colonel. o_O
Ada: bleach - *roffles*adalove on June 28th, 2005 08:27 am (UTC)
*cackle* And I like your take on it.

Oh Ed, you have such a dirty, dirty mind. :3
coffee_insanity on June 28th, 2005 02:41 pm (UTC)
Dirty? He's a healthy (disputable) teenager, it's just that he can put one and one together. :whistles:
ninja poof: Vespa Smughaganeno901 on June 28th, 2005 08:41 am (UTC)
I bet we all have dirty minds. *_* Thought about that as well. xD

Just awesome.
coffee_insanity on June 28th, 2005 02:42 pm (UTC)
'Ware, a sequel approaches. More food for the dirty mind. o_o
VANXIN;: PoT - Sengoku - 幸dakara_ on June 28th, 2005 08:46 am (UTC)
HA, that was wonderfully hilarious.

"Edward shouted, doing a remarkable impression of a volcano, if volcanoes were short and blond."
coffee_insanity on June 28th, 2005 02:44 pm (UTC)
Overuse of the word 'erupted' tends to lead to mental images like that. :grins:
Jiah Pet: Just Add Water!: Royedjiah on June 28th, 2005 08:58 am (UTC)
I loved the line about how he couldn't see Ed over the phone. Ooh Roy, you sly weasel you. I think you kept them very nicely IC, though that must be because you didn't have them doing anything (can you tell I'm not much for hardcore EdxRoy? XP)
You made my morning giggly. Thank you.
coffee_insanity on June 28th, 2005 02:45 pm (UTC)
There's always something on Roy's desk that's big enough to obstruct our short blond alchemist from view.

RoyxEd isn't my cup of tea either, but inspiration struck like a bolt of lightning. :P

And you're welcome. :smiles:
Get Ready.megamialchemist on June 28th, 2005 09:43 am (UTC)
that was alsome!
(i wish i could write that well T___T)
coffee_insanity on June 28th, 2005 02:46 pm (UTC)
As I wish I could write as well as other people I know. :sighs: We'll get better, won't we?
love sonnet XVIzodiacstargazer on June 28th, 2005 09:50 am (UTC)
...I have a dirty mind. @.@ Made me snigger.
coffee_insanity on June 28th, 2005 02:46 pm (UTC)
Dirty minds seem to be the norm around here. :D
Chrysstachryssta on June 28th, 2005 10:37 am (UTC)
omg, that was just so wrong. Good ficcy. quite funny. I dont know who mustang is yet as ive only seen up to eppy 4, but its a funny fic anyway.
coffee_insanity on June 28th, 2005 02:47 pm (UTC)
Aww, but knowing who Mustang is is half the fun. XD
PaperCut: ed spazflailpapercut917 on June 28th, 2005 01:35 pm (UTC)
XDDDDD Oh God... XDDDD *ded*
coffee_insanity on June 28th, 2005 02:47 pm (UTC)
:poke: You alright? o_O

Glad ya liked it. XD
supitsabby on June 28th, 2005 01:39 pm (UTC)
ha that was so funny/wrong lol i too have a dirty mind aparently lol
coffee_insanity on June 28th, 2005 02:47 pm (UTC)
It's wrong on so many levels that y'can't even begin to count em. :D
musecaduto: greedmusecaduto on June 28th, 2005 11:33 pm (UTC)
lmfao! That is hilarious!

Best. Prank. Ever.
coffee_insanity on June 29th, 2005 01:59 am (UTC)
Watch as Havoc and Hawkeye become unwitting accomplices in the next installment.. coming soon. o_O
Jillianhagane_jill on June 29th, 2005 11:55 am (UTC)
goat milk is very different from cow milk I still doubt Ed will drink it unless in my little world where the milk is actully produced by Roy.
coffee_insanity on July 2nd, 2005 10:04 pm (UTC)
I actually have no idea what goat's milk tastes like, but I assume that as long as it's 'white juice squeezed from an animal'(Ed's description, not mine) he'll refuse to drink it. XD
Emmatoyo_kun on June 29th, 2005 04:35 pm (UTC)
R for sure
coffee_insanity on July 2nd, 2005 10:04 pm (UTC)
It's G, I tell you! o_O