Kurosaki-sama (sinalchemy) wrote in fm_alchemist,

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I bring crack!fiction. o_o

Title: The Great War (Completed; Oneshot)
Author: sinalchemy
Fandom: Fullmetal Alchemist
Rating: PG-13
Warnings: Crack galore, hinted yaoi
Genre: Silliness
Pairings: Hinted RoyxEd
Length: 1545.
Criticism: Not welcomed. This piece is for amusement only and is not to be taken seriously for a moment.
Summary: "The Flame Alchemist pulled his shoulders back, sitting up perfectly straight as he glared down at the plate below him for a moment before slowly reaching down and grabbing the fork that lay beside the plate. A slight turn of the head, an eyebrow arched almost challengingly, and he picked up his knife with the other hand."

Roy stared at the plate before him, almost looking as if he was fixing to engage in battle.



Lately, it seemed that he was finding himself in the exact same situation, with the exact same look on his face and the exact same thoughts, more and more often. One might have thought he would have learned by now, but it was apparent he hadn't.

'Alright, you bastard. You can sit there and stare at me with those onion-y little eyes, but you're going down today. Oh yes, the almighty Flame Alchemist shall defeat you without breaking a sweat.'

For as long as Mustang could remember, meatloaf had always had some special ability which made him end up violently ill before he could even manage to finish a single piece. It hadn't really been an issue until lately, when meatloaf became part of the regular diet offered in the cafeteria. After starving himself for a few days, Roy had caved in and attempted to eat a plate of the meatloaf, having thought that perhaps he would have outgrown the sickness that had plagued him for years.

Roy ended up having to rush out of the cafeteria after a pathetic three bites, spending the next hour in the bathrooms, throwing up.

Now, he could have given up right then and there. He was sure Riza wouldn't mind ordering him a special lunch or, hell, he could have just taken a proper lunch break and went out himself. However, Roy Mustang was not one to give up so easily.

And thus had began the war with the meatloaf.

He had been preparing himself for this moment from the second he had declared war against the evil food, and now all of his effort would pay off. The meatloaf was going down, no questions asked.

The Flame Alchemist pulled his shoulders back, sitting up perfectly straight as he glared down at the plate below him for a moment before slowly reaching down and grabbing the fork that lay beside the plate. A slight turn of the head, an eyebrow arched almost challengingly, and he picked up his knife with the other hand.

'Say your prayers while you still can. Today, I will own you.'

Without further hesitation, almost as if not to give his enemy time to form a serious line of defense, Roy began to cut into the meat, a small sneer of disgust twisting his features. How could people stand to eat this? It didn't even look pretty. At least if it had looked good, then he could have convinced himself that it tasted alright. Instead, it was as ugly as.... hm, who could Roy compare meatloaf to... ah, yes, that would work.. Meatloaf was like King Bradley. Both were rather hard on his eyes and made his stomach hurt.

Although... by comparing the two in looks, Roy was all but helpless as his train of thought continued along its path, much too quickly reaching the inevitable question... did they taste the same? Mental images of himself eating the meatloaf, which was not actually meatloaf but King Bradley, began to float through his head and the Flame Alchemist found himself very, very disturbed.

'No, I cannot think of things as disgusting as that at a time like this! I must think happy thoughts, lest the meatloaf destroy me! FullmetalinaminiskirtFullmetalinaminiskirtFullmetalinaminiskirt.......... Ah, yes, I'm starting to feel better already. Now, back to the war!'

Having shook himself from his wandering thoughts, Roy brought the piece of meat to his lips and silently took a deep, preparing breath before popping the food into his mouth. Instantly, an all too familiar taste began to fill his mouth and the black-haired Colonel had to force himself not to act upon his immediate instinct, which was to spit the offending object out.

'Come on now, Mustang. You can do this, you've had worse things in your mouth, right...? This should be a piece of cake.'

He didn't bother to waste time properly chewing the meat, having decided that if he could simply swallow it quickly and get it out of his mouth, he would be okay. It took a few seconds, but the plan succeeded as the taste of the vile food was replaced with fresh water, which he gulped down just as quickly.

'See, there's nothing to this. What was I so afraid of? Now, let's just finish off the rest of this and be done with it.'

Roy repeated his previous actions of swallowing quickly and drinking plenty of water to wash out his mouth several times, until there was but one piece of meatloaf left upon his plate. By this time he was already feeling incredibly ill and it was perhaps sheer will alone that kept him from vomiting all over himself. There was only one piece left, though, and he knew he could finish it. He had come too far and fought too hard to lose now, especially not when you considered the many losses he had already suffered in previous encounters with the meatloaf.

Glancing down at the final piece, Roy couldn't help but grin smugly. 'Now who is the master and who is the slave, hm? No one can mess with the Flame Alchemist and get away with it, didn't I warn you?'

He speared the meat with his fork and once again brought it to his lips, eyes sliding shut as he vaguely wondered if perhaps the sweet taste of victory would override the disgusting taste of the meat.

~ ~ ~

"You won't believe what happened--"

"Let me guess..... she had previously caught a glimpse at Roy one evening when they were both in the same store. He was buying cookies, she was buying butter and it was love at first sight... am I correct?"

"Yes!! I swear, I am doomed to forever--"

"Hey, do you hear that?"

Riza and Havoc automatically paused in their conversation when Fuery spoke, both giving the other a curious look.

"Hear what?" Riza asked, eyes narrowed slightly as if to prepare for impending danger, inwardly glad that someone had interrupted Havoc's ranting about how he had lot yet another woman to Roy Mustang. She had already been subjected to the Colonel's rants about meatloaf, of all things, for the past few weeks, so she had definitely had enough insanity to last her for quite a while without someone adding to it.

Fuery frowned as he tried to figure out exactly what he had been hearing. "Almost sounds like someone's..." He twisted around in his seat, attempting to see if he could locate where the noise was coming from. Almost immediately, his gaze landed upon a hunched over figure, eyes widening when he recognised it a second later. "... choking! The Colonel is choking!!"

Sure enough, there was Roy Mustang, clutching at his throat and coughing hysterically, face quite red.

Whilst Havoc and Fuery just stared in shock, Riza was up and moving instantly, running so quick that she was the first one there, despite the fact that others, closer to Roy at the time, had already begun to head in his direction.

Countless classes and seminars began to flash through Riza's head as she used all of her strength to pull the Colonel out of his chair. She knew just the technique that would, hopefully, get his airway free and although she had never actually had to do it before, she had certainly had enough courses to be able to pull it off. The blonde slipped her arms under Mustang's and wrapped them around his chest tightly, face lined with determination. She then began to do just as she had been taught, trying to get Roy to cough up whatever it was he was choking on.

Within a few moments, Roy began to cough hysterically, leaning over as best he could with Riza holding him so tightly and spitting out something, still gasping for breath.

Riza did not let go of the Colonel until she was assured that he was breathing properly, determination slipping from her face to be replaced with concern as she stepped backwards to give him some room. "Colonel, are you alright?"

By now a rather large group had surrounded Mustang, some looking concerned, some amused and some annoyed at the disruption to their meal. Quite a few of them echoed Riza's question, waiting for Roy to reply.

After what seemed to be ages, Roy finally straightened up and directed himself towards Riza. The look of both pain and despair took most by surprise and Riza stepped towards him again, concern increasing. "Colonel?"

Roy's voice almost wavered when he spoke, and Havoc could have sworn he saw what looked to be tears in the Colonel's eyes. "It.... I was on my last bite and it...."


"The meatloaf.... it.... it.... I almost had it beaten and..... IT CHEATED!!!!"

It took every ounce of will power that Riza Hawkeye possessed to keep her from slapping Roy then and there.

[X-posted to sinalchemy]

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