CphT, bitches. (ladymetaka) wrote in fm_alchemist,
CphT, bitches.

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this is all 'dub's fault. All of it.

and the bunnies are chewing at my throat..

Soup Alchemist: Coffee called earlier, and said a parody movie called "Saving Private Roy" would be funny, so I said a movie called "Saving Roy's Privates" would be funnier :D

well, here ya go. crack goodness, no spoilers. Oh, yeah, bad language abounds, sorry about that. It seemed to fit the context.

Saving Roy's Privates

Roy liked to sleep in a little bit on Mondays. He felt he deserved it. That, and he was often hung over, or being slept upon.

When he heard things crashing around in his closet, he groaned. There would be no sleeping in today.

"HEY COLONEL ASSHAT WAKE UP!" A boot flew onto the bed and hit him in the shoulder. He picked it up and dropped it onto the floor, covering his head with a pillow. "COME ON, GET UP AND EXPLAIN THIS BOX OF PICTURES!" he heard Ed yell, tensing. Box of... oh god no. Not that box. He mumbled something incoherently into the mattress.

"I SAID GET UP!" Roy felt the mattress shift to accomodate an extra person's weight, then the blanket was ripped off the bed, followed by the crackle of an all-too-familiar alchemical reaction. Roy sensed what was coming before it happened, and before Ed could bring the blade down, rolled off the bed and scooted back on the floor. "FINALLY UP YOU CHEATING ASSHOLE?"

"I can explain, those are old pictures, OLD, that's from college, honestly!" Roy said, attempting to preserve some dignity, despite being naked and frightened of the vertically challenged irate teenager before him.

"You lying fuck, you expect me to believe that your appearance hasn't changed a bit since college?" Ed yelled, leaping off the bed.

Abandoning all attempts to reason with Ed, and still not fully awake, Roy jumped up off the floor, grabbed his uniform off the chair he'd tossed it on the night before, and fled to the basement, slamming the door shut and locking it behind him. Realizing the lock probably wouldn't do much good, he shoved a few cabinets in front of the door, dressing as fast as he could. Brushing teeth and combing hair would have to wait, as would a shower. He sighed for what had to be the third time that morning. Showers were one of his other daily luxuries.

The automail's blade tore through the door, sending splinters everywhere. "OPEN UP!" Ed yelled, rattling the lock with his free hand.

Tucking his shirt in his pants, Roy checked his watch. "Might want to get dressed and find your brother if you expect to make your noon train, Fullmetal. I hope your mission will give you time to cool off. Go inspect a random coastal town or go back to Rizenbul or something." He said, opening the basement window.

"FUCK YOU, OPEN THIS DOOR, RRGH!" The blade seemed to be stuck at the moment, and for that, Roy was grateful, as he climbed onto a box and crawled out the window, hopped the neighbor's fence, and took off down the sidewalk.

The military offices which dominated much of the middle of Central weren't very far from his house, so Roy simply walked to work. He'd forgotten to get money, so he couldn't get his customary doughnut and coffee on the way. At a shop window, he patted down his hair and inspected himself, realizing with dismay that Ed had left another mark on his neck, one that the collar of his uniform didn't quite hide no matter how much he tried. Well, with his reputation as a womanizer, he didn't think that many people would think much of it, but knowing a certain other teenager..

He nodded to the secretary as he entered the office, got a cup of coffee, and entered his office, which was empty except for Havoc and Breda, who were murmuring about something. Havoc looked at Roy as he entered for a long moment, then burst into laughter, nudging Breda until he pulled out his wallet and counted out some money.

Roy paused and looked at them. "What, has my hair changed colors since I woke up this morning?"

Havoc leaned back against the desk and grinned lazily, grinding out his cigarette. "Not at all, sir. Breda here was having doubts about your... prowess, and I got very lucky and proved him wrong." He said, tucking the money in his pocket. Leaning a bit closer, he grinned cattishly. "So what was she like? Blonde, brunette? Someone from work, or did you meet her elsewhere? Was she feisty?"

Roy's eye twitched, but he kept his cool. "Well, I don't think I am required to answer to such interrogation."

Breda looked jealous. "Was she in a miniskirt? One of the military uniform ones?"

The mental image of Ed wearing his design for the miniskirt version of the uniform made Roy blush slightly, and he shook his head and came to his senses. "I don't think I would live long if-"

"Who in a miniskirt?"

Riza had just entered the office. To Roy's shock, and Havoc and Breda's glee, she too had a faint mark on her neck, though clearly it had been covered mostly with makeup. She stared at them impassively. "The day has already started, gentlemen, get to work."

"You lucky sonuvabitch.." Havoc muttered, his grin somehow becoming even bigger. Breda just gaped, looking from Roy to Riza and back in utter shock.

Riza frowned. "Excuse me?"

Havoc looked away and patted his pockets, looking for his cigarettes. "Nothing, nothing." He waited for Riza to end her cold stare and walk away, then stood up, slapping Roy on the back. "I can't believe you not only did it with Riza, but got her in a miniskirt! I gotta hand it to you, as much as I hate it, you have true talent!"

"But I-"


Riza had obviously been within earshot, and there were now neat bullet holes at each man's feet. Roy had felt a sharp sting on the inside of his leg, but was afraid to move. Riza holstered her gun and crossed her arms over her chest. "If you must know, I would not date the Colonel if I was being given a promotion for it, because I am already engaged, and he is most decidedly taken. Now, I suggest you all get to work, and allow me to do the same." With that, she spun and left the room, obviously still pissed off.

Roy excused himself to the men's room, to find a neat, one-inch long and 3/4 cm wide hole in the inside right leg of his pants, and a very small burn to match it. He gulped. Part of him wanted to court-martial Riza for that, and part of him simply wanted to be on her good side. The second part won out, and removing his pants, he drew an array in pen and transmuted the fabric together. Not the best work, but it would do for today.

The rest of the morning passed fairly uneventfully. Riza was colder and more curt than usual, and spent less time in Roy's office and more time out gathering paperwork and doing her own duties. Havoc and Breda were quieter too, probably terrified to speak in her presence for fear of more shooting.

Shortly after lunch, though, before the rest of his staff had returned, Roy was relaxing and reading over a file when the door opened and he heard metal clanking before him. He looked up. "Good afternoon, Alphonse, what brings you here?"

Al remained silent, standing in front of the desk like a statue. Roy could feel an air of animosity around him. It was a bit scary, like feeling a malevolent ghost in your house, which wasn't too far from the truth. "Alphonse? Is there something you needed? I don't know where your brother is, unfortunately, I take this to mean you both missed your train."

"You promised you wouldn't hurt Brother.."

Roy scooted his chair back just a bit. This was not looking good at all.. "What do you mean? Last time I saw him he was perfectly fine."

Al's arm shot out, grabbing Roy's shoulder, and he winced, remembering that the boy didn't know his own strength. "Brother came back to the dorms crying and saying you raped him and cheated on him! There were bits of wood in his arm from you slamming him into doors! How could you?!"

The sense of dread intensified, and Roy paled. "I didn't... he asked.. he stabbed my basement door trying to kill me! That's why there was wood in his automail! And he asked for it, I didn't rape him, you can't rape the willing!" He yelled, getting angry, then his brain kicked back into gear. Oh crap.

"YOU PEDOPHILE SICKO!" Al yelled, dragging Roy over the desk and grabbing his neck.

"No, I swear, I didn't mean it, I didn't, it's just-" Roy choked, struggling to breathe as Al lifted him up and pulled his knee back. Reflex kicked in, and sticking his hand in the armor's faceplate, he snapped his fingers.

"AAAAAIIIIIEEEE!" Al dropped Roy and staggered back, yanking off the helmet and tossing it across the room. Roy took the opporturnity presented before him to evacuate his office, sticking his head into the staff lunchroom to tell Riza he was sick and going home for the day, before leaving as quickly as he could.

The rest of the day would just have to be written off as a loss, Roy mused, as he walked back home. If Ed had gone off to the dorms, that meant he wasn't still in the house, and Roy was safe. However, as he jiggled the doorknob, he realized it was a bad idea to leave Edward at his house with the keys. They were probably in a melted pile on the carpet somewhere. Crawling back in through the basement window, he removed the cabinets and moved aside the door, which appeared to have been torn from it's hinges, going to his room and tossing his uniform jacket onto the chair. Flopping onto the bed, Roy decided that the rest of the day would also be good for sleeping.

"Oh Colonel~"

Roy froze, then flipped over to see Ed sitting on the chair, arms crossed, a cruel smile on his face. "What is the meaning of spreading lies about me, Fullmetal?" He asked coldly, sitting up.

Ed tilted his head back a bit, grinning wickedly. "So is that what the little pipsqueak did.. well, I can go a step further than him in hurting you both, I believe." He said, standing. A white glow surrounded him and faded, revealing a taller young man with long green hair and tight black clothing.

Roy shuddered. "Who.."

"Oh, I'm sorry, we haven't been introduced yet. You may call me Envy, and I originally came here to kill Ochibisan, but unfortunately, he seems to have trashed your house and run away. This is even better, though. Why kill someone when you can torture and hurt them, ne Colonel?" The young man said, his voice mocking and quiet.

Roy dug through his pockets, as Envy stood, grinning and dropping the alchemist's ripped-up spark gloves on the floor. Meeping, Roy tried to think of something, anything, he could use to draw an array, so he could transmute fire and burn the man before him.

Envy crawled onto the bed, raising his arm up and turning it into a blade. "Now, to take one form of pleasure first or the other.. or perhaps just find a nice middle ground.." he purred, tracing the tip of the blade down Roy's chest, slicing open his shirt, grinning ferally.

"YOU'D BETTER BE AWAKE UP THERE OR I'LL THROW YOU OUT THE WINDOW, NOW OPEN THIS DOOR~!" Ed yelled from outside, and the pounding of metal on wood filled the house.

Envy frowned, sitting back. "As much as I would love to stay and kill the both of you, I have my orders not to, and I don't feel like fighting Ochibisan. You got lucky, old man." He said, the sadistic grin returning. With a final fast motion, he sliced open Roy's belt and pants, leaving a hair-thin trail of blood, before returning his arm to normal and jumping out the window.

Roy simply lay there for a while, before deciding that Edward could let himself in and going to sleep. He'd had a very long, dangerous day.

(I would have this elsewhere if I could... x_x;; I'll move it when I get my laptop back, if anyone gets mad.)

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