Russia's greatest love machine (random_prophet) wrote in fm_alchemist,
Russia's greatest love machine

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The saga continues!

My random Mary-Sue parody is starting to have a plot. O_o
Sparkles of Passion:
You Blow My Mind(Out)

The Seven Chapter Long Flashback Summed Up In One(er, two, but when I put it on FF.Net it's going to be one) 1/2
Genre: Parody/Horror (gave up on calling it a romance long ago, heh)
Parings: One sided OC/Edward and OC/Hohenheim
Warnings: One or two mild British curses, references to little kids playing doctor, vague insight on stakes, creepiness, demon children, lisps, Edward being cute
Spoilers: Only there if you look really hard/have already seen the series, unless you count Hohenheim's personality
Word Count: 1028

Admirala’s life flashed before her eyes like lasers in a seizure-inducing cartoon. There was her meeting the Elric brothers, the brothers fleeing in terror at the sight of her, her family being destroyed by the unnamed ethnic group, and the State Alchemist exam.

Let us take a journey back in time to where these events began.

Admirala’s life began in Risembool. The same Risembool, in fact, that the Elric brothers grew up in.

Contrary to what she’d tell you, it should be known that Edward and Alphonse were not very fond of her.

“EDWAAAAAARRRRD! LET’S PWAY HOWSE!” shrieked the three-year-old Admirala as she sped after the young blond boy of the same age, who was fleeing for his life.

“No! I don’t wanna play house with you! I’ll get cooties!” shouted Edward over his shoulder. All he had to do was get home…

“BUT YOU PWAY WITH WINRY ALL THE TIME!” replied Admirala in her earsplitting voice.

“Yeah! But Winry’s special, so she doesn’t get them! Besides, yours would sparkle an’ I wouldn’t be able to play hide an’ seek no more!” Edward’s terror mounted as he realized that he was running out of breath. No… had to get inside… Mommy and Daddy would protect him…

That was when he tripped. Admirala was on him like a starved vulture on a dead wildebeest.

“NOOOOO! DADDY, SAVE MEEEEE!” screamed Edward, but to no avail.

“Okay, Edward! You can be the daddy and I can be the mommy and ‘Fonsie can be the baby-“

“NOOO! He’s just a little baby an’ he’ll get scary dreams for the rest of his life! Mommy said I can’t do anything that’ll scare ‘Fonsie!”

“-an’ then we can pway doctor!”


And then there was Hohenheim, in all his Nordic glory.(1) He wore the stern look of adults who can only deal with certain types of young children, with the one currently pinning down his son being excluded from those types.


(1)One of the major reasons that Edward was angry about his father’s disappearance was that he wasn’t there to protect him from Admirala anymore.


“Admirala, are you terrifying my son again?” he said. Edward suddenly decided that the priest who had come through a few days ago hadn’t been lying about Leto loving him.

“No,” she said, having a vocabulary of about nine words. “We were jus’ gonna pway house an’ then pway doctor-“

“That settles it. Edward, we’re going home, and I’m going to have a talk with your parents, young lady-“

“Oh, they died last week.” There was an awkward silence.


“A bunch of guys came up and set our house on fire.” There was a short pause where Admirala looked thoughtful for a few seconds. “It was pretty.”

Hohenheim stared in horror for a few seconds. Good God, any second her head would turn 360 degrees and she’d vomit pea soup all over his good waistcoat.(2) He nervously looked down at his son, who’d apparently taken the opportunity to dart back to the house. Smart boy, thought the Alchemist as he slowly backed away from the demented child. He’s already got more sense than his dad.


(2) Hohenheim had done his fair share of exorcisms, and the symptoms were pretty much the same for each one.(3)

(3) Minus the sparkles, of course.


“Don’t go, Mr. Edward’s-Daddy-Person,” said the small, sparkling demon as her head started to twist. “I’m gonna mawwy you-“

Hohenheim bolted. He’d have to organize a neighborhood watch to confiscate all the tricycles in the area and then locate his Exorcism for Dummies book, a few stakes, his old cross necklace, and a lemon for good measure.


When Hohenheim reentered the house, Edward was already clinging to his mother and shivering like a leaf.

“What happened out there?” asked Trisha incredulously. “Did Edward see a scary dog?”
“No,” replied Hohenheim darkly. “Admirala.” Edward whimpered at the mention of the name, while his mother sighed in frustration.

“That’s the third time this week. Poor Edward’s been up all night because he’s afraid that nasty little girl’s going to eat him.” Edward’s shivering disintegrated into sobs. “Aw, it’s okay, honey, Mommy’s not going to let her hurt you.”

“S-she said she’s going after ‘Fonsie!” said Edward through his terrified sobs. “I don’t want her to eat ‘Fonsie, too!”

“Oh, Admirala won’t eat Alphonse,” said Hohenheim with a strange gleam in his eyes. “Honey, do we have any decently sharp wooden stakes?”

“No, I don’t think so-“she said before she realized what her husband was intent on doing. “You wouldn’t!”

“It’s a necessary evil, Tri,” answered Hohenheim. “She said that she watched her house burn down-with her parents in it, I might add-and said it was pretty.” He paused to let it sink in. “And, if that’s not enough, her head started to spin around like in that one story I told you-“

“But you know that stakes only work on vampires! Besides, I’ve always thought that there was some psychology behind those stakes-“

Hohenheim sighed. The thing about arguing with Trisha was that you always lost.


A man looked over the stormy hills. He was dressed in a military uniform, and he had an impressive moustache that managed to stick straight up on both sides, but other than that, he seemed to lack any sort of hair.

His name was General Basque Gran, and he was on a mission from God.(4)


(4) Well, not really, but the person who assigned it was practically immortal and knew quite a lot of interesting things, so they might be worshiped in some backwards tribes who still worshipped human sacrifice, so it all evened out.


“There’s going to be a bugger of a storm tonight,” said the man disinterestedly.

And how right he was.

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