Sam (samaside) wrote in fm_alchemist,

The Royal Shakespeare Company of Amestris proudly presents.... HAMLET (on crack)


jeva_chan = Roy, Ed, Farman, Fuhrer
sailormac = Al
samaside = Havoc, Riza, Black Hayate, Fuery
greenlion4 = ::various actions::, Hoho-papa

Toss-ups = Breda


Farman: (starting traditionally) "Who's there?" 
Breda: (silent) 
Farman: "Who's there?!" 
Breda: (points to himself) "Is it my line already?" 
Cast: (face faults)

The Royal Shakespeare Company of Amestris proudly presents:


Havoc: (grumbling) "This is stupid...whose idea is this?"
Riza: "The Fuhrer's." 
Havoc: (nearly chokes on his cigarette with Fuhrer aims a glare at him) "Um...right.. BREDA, GET YOUR LINES RIGHT!"
Farman: (coughs) "Who's there?" 
Breda: "Nah, I answer"
Roy: (thwacks him with a script) "Have you even read this thing?!" 
Breda: T.T..."No..."
Ed: (groans) "F*** it! It's stupid! It's a dead-guy's play! Who the hell CARES?!" 
Everyone Else: "The FUHRER!"
::hoho-papa randomly floats around::
Ed: (glances over at the Fuhrer who has a sign that says "MUST BE KING HAMLET" on his chest) "...whoop de flippin' do..."
Random person: (pops Hoho with pin)
::Hoho EXPLODES!::
Roy: (smacks Ed with the script) "And you! Why are you on stage?!"
Ed: (shoving the script away) "Why are you, Taisa?! AND WHO'S SHORT ENOUGH TO BE TREATED LIKE AN ANNOYING INSECT?!"
Everyone: (sweatdrops)
::Al's head hops in::
Al: "Brother, this is my entrance, not yours."
Ed: (waving arms) "There are no entrances, Al! We're still trying to get the FIRST TWO LINES!" (glares at Breda)
Breda: "Ya know! this first scene is stupid anyways!" (runs away)
Al: "Look can we just pick it up from when I enter? We're going to get nowhere at this rate."
Havoc: "Damn it, Breda, get back here!"
Roy: (pauses and then bops Ed on the head) "That's an idea Alphonse."
Riza: "Taisa, please don't injure the actors."
Roy: (amused) "Of course not, Lt. Hawkeye." (folds script away) "That comes later."
Farman: "Do I start from my line?"
Fuery: (from light booth) "Sir, how am I supposed to do the lighting and be Marcellus?" (crash noises as control panel begins to explode)
Al: "Okay, so you saw a ghost. Now, go!"
Roy: (looks up at Fuery) "Run really, really fast."
Farman: "G-g-GHOST!"
Roy: (twitches at the inaccuracy of the line)
Riza: (takes Breda's place in an effort to get the play back on track) "AHEM... I think I hear them. Stand ho! Who's there?"
Farman: (is stunned at Riza's appearance) "Uh..."
Breda: "I think I see him. A piece of him." (Al's helmet rolls onstage)
Everyone: (sweatdrops)
Al: (chases after helmet) "Sorry...wardrobe malfunction."
Breda: "YES! Al's here! I can leave!" (runs away again)
Farman: (sweats) "Ah... Say, what! is Horatio there?"
Roy: (hits his own with script) "Wrong line!"
Farman: "Was it close?"
::Al runs back on stage with his helmet::
Roy: "By 500 meters!"
Al: "Tush, tush, twill but whole play is about butts? Nii-san, you said it wasn't anything nasty!"
Havoc: (flips through script) "Where are we again?"
Ed: "AL! You're onstage! This isn't rehearsal!"
Fuery: (trapped under lighting and sound board)
::NOW Hoho-Papa's ghost floats in::
Roy: (bops Ed again) "This is MY job, Fullmetall!"
Farman: "Uh...In the same figure, like the King that's dead!"
Al: "Is this where I'm supposed to talk to it?"
Havoc: "Erm.... Thou, art a... scholar. Speak to hit Horation."
Havoc: I got a line right!
Fuery: (groans) "Help..."
Farman: (stage whispers to Havoc) "I think you're the Norwegian Captain..."
Al: "What art thou who usurped this time of night together with that fair and warlike form in which the majesty of buried Denmark did sometimes march? By heaven, I charge thee, speak."
Havoc: "What!? I thought I was....that one guy."
Havoc: "Why do you always change these things on me!?"
Roy: "Weren't you here during the dress rehearsal!? Just keep going!"
Havoc: "Erm.... what page are we on...?"
Al: "I'm trying to talk to the ghost."
Farman: (whispers) "You say "It is offended..."
Havoc: Erm... "It is offended... Damn it Al why the hell did you offend it?"
Farman: (sweatdrops) "See, it stalks away!"
Al: "Stay! Um, sit! Roll over!"
Black Hayate: (perks ears) (sits) (stays) (rolls over)
Roy: (eyes the dog)
Riza: "Not you Black Hayate..."
Farman: "Havoc! You line!"
Havoc: Ghat! Horation! You are all... pale and... shaking. Is this not just... not real? What think you of... this... stuff?
Ed/Roy: (mouths incerduously) "Stuff?"
Havoc: "What? Is that not right?"
Farman: "That was my line."
Havoc: "Wait.... so I'm not Barnardo?"
Roy: "Stop trying to steal the spotlight!" (waves script)
Al: "Before my God, I might not this believe without the sensible and true avouch of mine own eyes."
Ed: "You're Marcellus!"
Farman: "...Havoc!"
Havoc: "Is it not the Fuhrer?"
Havoc: "I mean King."
Farman: "Hohenheim plays the dead king, Havoc! Not the Fuhrer!"
Havoc: "Don't blame me, blame the Dubs! They always call him King!"
Al: "As though art to my own armor . . . I mean, his armor . . . something about Norway and a bunch of Polish people on a sled . . ."
Farman: "Why are you watching the dubs anyway?"
Roy: (looks as if he is facing deathrow)
Ed: (inches away) "It's your play, Taisaa~~!"
Havoc: "Because.... well.... I can't read the subtitles."
Farman: (sweatdrops) "Your line again."
[long pause]
Roy: "HAVOC!"
Ed: (goes over to help Fuery) "Looks like your the Norwegian Captain."
Havoc: "Ah.... erm... (flips pages) I think that... it is... going to ... come at us wiht ... Weapons and stuff."
Fuery: "Thank you, Ed-kun... I'm a Captain?" (blink)
Farman: (stands there, trying not to fall over)
Ed: (taps Fuery's head with his left fist) "Not a Captain, the NORWEGIAN Captain in the PLAY!"
Farman: "Al...I think it's your line..."
Al: "Whoa, it's a huge speech! Um, okay .. . That can I, at least the whisper goes so: our last king, whose image even now appeared to us . . . blah, blah, yaddah, yaddah . . ."
Fuery: "So... when do I come in?"
Farman: "I think it be no other than ever then...Um" (skips ahead) "...That was and wasn't the question of Ishbal..."
Al: "Can we just skip to where I talk to the ghost?"
Ed: "No clue...we're not past the first scene."
::Hoho-Papa poofs in::
Roy: (vein popping on forhead) "Fine!"
[long pause] 
Al: "But soft, behold! Lo, it comes again! I'll cross it through, blast me . . . stay, illusion! If thou hast any sound or use of voice, speak to me!"
Riza: (dumps water on Roy) "Relax, sir."
::he floats around...?::
Havoc: "Psttt, he opens his arms."
Roy: (is suprised to find himself soaked before clenching his fists) "Thank you, Lieutenant..."
Farman: (whispers to Havoc) "You know that even when you don't even know what part you're playing?" Havoc: (shrug) "I saw the movie."
Farman: (sweatdrops)
::the rooster crows and Hoho-papa runs away, yet again::
Al: "If there be any good thing to be done that may to thee cause ease and grace to me, speak to me. If thou be privvy to -- AAACK!" (CLANG!) (the swinging Hoho-pappa runs into Al, knocking him to the ground).
Farman: (stopping Al's rolling head with his foot) "Um...Havoc?"
Havoc: "Erm... it's gone... the ghost I mean."
Farman: (nudges the helmet-head over to Al) "It was about to speak, when the cock--" (stops and checks lines) "Cock..."
Roy: "Farman!"
Al: "Cock? First butts and now cock? This play is nasty!"
Ed: "It is NOT!"
Havoc: (snicker)
Riza: (facepalm)
Farman: "When the cock...crew..." (pauses) "The crew got cocked?"
Al: "And then it started like a guilty thing upon a fearful summons. I have heard the cock, the trumpet to the moon, doth with his lofty and shrill-sounding throat . . . Cock? Throat?" (Is blushing to the extent that a suit of armor can blush)
Ed: "AL!"
Havoc: "So... if it faded when the cock... do we really have to say cock?"
Farman: (continues to nudge helmet-head over to Al, coming close to doing the splits)
Everyone: (stares)
Roy: "...oh, shuddup..." 
Havoc: "Erm... yes sir..."
Al: (grabs helmet and puts it back on backwards, he is so shaken from having to repeatedly say "cock.")
Havoc: Anyways... something about Jesus and.... so, like, he's a fair and can't come out in the daylight.
Farman: (tries to straighten up, but it about to fall into splits) "Help..."
Roy: "A FAIR?!"
Havoc: "Wow, I didnt' know you could do that Farman!"
Havoc: "What!? That's what it says!"
Farman: (voice going higher) "Neither did I..."
Havoc: "Erm... I mean fairy..."
Roy: (holds hand out in threatening-snap-position)
Ed: "Al! Finish off the stupid scene!"
Al: (puts head on the right way) "Um, so I heard and do in part believe it . . . um, dawn in russet-clad something something . . . break the watch . . ."
Al: "Oh, can't I just say I know the ghost is going to come back and be done with it?"
Farman: (tips to the side, freed from having to do the splits) "Yes, please?"
Havoc: "Best idea I've heard all night, Metal Man."
Al: "We're not going to have to say . . . that word again in the rest of the play, are we?"
Roy: (takes a deep breath) "Okay, Al...say that much and we're done. No, you don't have to say cock."
Ed: (snerks)
Roy: (smacks Ed with script)
Havoc: (smokes)
Fuery: "So... do I come on now?"
Roy: "You're as big as one..."
Edo/Roy: (to Fuery) "NO!"
Fuery: (sobs and runs back to lighting booth)
Farman: (near to tears himself for a different reason)
Al: "This spirit, dumb to us, will speak to him. Do you consent we shall aquaint him with it, as needful in our loves, fitting our duty?"
Havoc: "Sure, let's do that."
Farman: (hits Havoc's foot) "Let him finish! Just let him finish!"
Havoc: (yelps)
Al: "Um, that is the end of the speech."
Roy: (looks at script) "I see: 'Let's do't, I pray; and I this morning know where we shall find him most conveniently.' " (looks to everyone, who's wearing hopeful looks)
Roy: (tosses script) "Screw it. We're done."
[...end of scene?] This random crack is not as random as it seems. This came about due to a wonderful little slip up by our own dear Sir Riza. You can read about it at that link. Here's to you Sir!

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