CphT, bitches. (ladymetaka) wrote in fm_alchemist,
CphT, bitches.

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XD does this count towards Hell-con?

Monty Python script for this taken from here.

XD crack caused indirectly by FMAdub. Ep. 2, when Cornello shows Rose her "boyfriend" the first time - what would have happened if Ed had been hiding in there..




"The Sun God's rewarded you for your faith, Rose. Your true love's soul has been resurrected. But the work is not finished yet. His body still needs a few more days." Cornello said, smiling.

"Few more days? Gimme a break. I wish to file a complaint." Ed said, stepping out from behind the bed that Kain was resting on.

Cornello grimaced. "You! You have no room to speak, you failed!"

Ed grinned. "So did you, old man."

Rose blinked, confused. "What do you mean, he's alive!"

Ed scratched his chin and looked at the curtain skeptically. "Really? I'd say there's something seriously wrong with him."

Cornello was furious by now. "What do you mean, something's wrong with him?"

Ed rolled his eyes and tossed the curtains open. "I'll tell you what's wrong with it, fake. He's dead, that's what's wrong with it!"

Rose screamed, falling to her knees as she stared at the bird-chimera. "WHAT IS THIS!?"

Cornello panicked. "No, no, he's wrong, it's just the final stages before he'll return, is all!"

"Look, old guy, I know a chimera when I see one, and I'm looking at one now." Ed said, gingerly prodding the bird with his automail arm. The bird gave a half-hearted squawk.

"He lies, he lies, he just needs to rest! But look, Rose, he'll be alive, and so handsome when he returns!" Cornello cried, shaking the traumatized girl.

"Looks don't really count. He's a chimera, that's that." Ed said, sitting down next to the bed.

"Just another week and he'll be human! He can talk, right?" Cornello shouted, more at Ed now than at Rose.

"No, he really can't talk." Ed said, standing and turning to 'Kain'. "Hey, hey, do you recognize this girl? Do you remember anything? I have a nice juicy worm if you-"

Cornello stuck his hand behind his back, and the stone glowed, as Kain gave a feeble squawk that almost passed for "Rose". "There, see? I told you he could talk!"

"He didn't TALK, you used the stone again!" Ed yelled.

"He really can talk!"

"You just used the stone, you're cheating!"

"How dare you accuse me!"

"Well, you did transmute a machine gun and try to kill me.." Ed muttered, turning to 'Kain' and shaking him. "HELLO IN THERE, KAIN, WAKE UP, SAY HI TO ROSE, DANCE, SING, SOMETHING!" he shouted, dragging the chimera off the bed and tossing him across the floor towards Rose. Rose screeched and scooted back away from the chimera, and Ed grinned triumphantly. "Now that's what I call a lousy chimera."

"Well duh, he can't talk now, you stunned him!" Cornello yelled, giving up on Rose.


"Yeah, you stunned him, and now he won't be able to talk at all, you fool!" Cornello yelled, grinning.

Ed smacked his forehead with his left hand, frustrated. "Look, seriously, I'm really getting sick of this. That is most definitely a chimera, I've seen enough of them, and you are attempting to pass it off as Rose's boyfriend, which makes you a complete fraud and a heartless jerk to top it off."

"He's probably.. ah.. well, he's made up of birds, perhaps he longs to fly!"

"LONGS to FLY?!? What are you talking about, he's just laying there, he's too big to fly anyway even if he could move without the stone!" Ed yelled, losing patience.

"He's exhausted, and you probably broke his neck and frightened him with your arm! You ruined a perfectly good case of human alchemy by yourself!" Cornello yelled back, shaking his cane at Ed.

Ed gritted his teeth. "Look, I examined the chimera before you came in, and the only reason it's held together at all is through a lousy binding job. I could, and did, do better when I was ELEVEN."

There was silence, then a bit quieter, Cornello muttered "Well, your attempt failed so you can't say what's successful and what's not, and those birds would've become a human anyway, just VOOM!"

Ed covered his face with his hands. "VOOM?! Old man, this bird wouldn't 'voom' if you put four million volts through it. He's a CHIMERA, and now he is dead!" Indeed, Fullmetal was right, as the chimera had expired sometime during the exchange.

"No, no, he just longs to fly, and to be with his beloved Rose!" Cornello shouted, oblivious to Rose curled up in a corner crying, as far away from the chimera as possible.

Ed lost it right about there. "He doesn't long to fly, he's a dead chimera! This chimera is no more! It has ceased to be! It is expired and has gone to meet the original Kain! It's a stiff! Bereft of life, it rests in peace! If you hadn't done such a lousy job making him it'd be pushing up the daisies! It's metabolic processes are now history! It's off the twig! It has kicked the bucket, shuffled off it's mortal coil, run down the curtain and joined the damned choir invisible! THIS IS AN EX-CHIMERA!!"

Silence filled the room, except for the tiny sobbing from Rose.

Finally Cornello sighed, tucking his hands behind his back. "Alright, alright, so it's dead. So what do you want now, besides me killing you?"

Ed grinned. "How about that philosopher's stone and we call it a deal?"

Cornello brought his hands back around, blinking at his hands. "Well.. um.. I have the setting for the ring it was on."

Ed's grin took on a slightly psychopathic twitch. "Does it make the laws of alchemy obsolete, this setting?"

Cornello backed up a bit. "Nnnnnot really."

Ed's arms started to shake. "WELL IT'S HARDLY A DAMN REPLACEMENT, IS IT?!?!"

Cornello held up his hands. "Look, I heard that there was a Philosopher's Stone in Xenotime.."

Ed stopped shaking, clapped his hands together, and bowed. "Xenotime, eh? Alrighty, thank you! See ya Rose!" He said, leaving the room. As he did, he reached back and transmuted the lock into a solid piece of metal, sealing the door. "Heheh.."

Days later..

Ed and Al entered Lior from the other side, both half asleep from walking in the desert and unable to see for all the sand in their eyes. They entered the town square, where Cornello was standing wearing a cloak to hide himself, though he failed miserably at it. Not that Ed or Al could tell, as they were both covered in sand.

"Excuse me!" Ed called, rubbing his eyes. "Is this Xenotime?"

Cornello cleared his throat and took on a falsetto voice. "No, this is Ishbal!"

Ed turned and stomped off in the direction of the train station, dragging a very sandy Al with him. "That's the desert for you.. get completely turned around in this Godforsaken waste looking for the train station.."

They reached the train station finally, and Ed pounded on a bell, as the porter approached the window. "We'd like to make a complaint.." Al said nicely.

The porter seemed annoyed. "I don't have to do this you know."

Ed leaned against the counter. "Beg pardon?"

The porter puffed himself up. "I'm a qualified automail mechanic. I only do this because I like being my own boss."

Ed banged his head against the counter, now convinced that the people of the desert were all insane. Al tilted his head a bit. "That doesn't really.. that's irrelevant to a complaint, isn't it?"

The porter shrugged. "Well, it's hard to keep this going for a half hour.."

Ed and Al looked at each other, both questioning the porter's sanity, then looked back at him. "Well anyway, I wish to make a complaint. We left Lior after trying to find the train station there, and we couldn't find it for the life of us, and now we're here in Ishbal.."

"No, this is Lior." The porter said, apparently bored. now.

Ed's eye twitched. "The man in the street was lying..."

The porter began filing his nails. "Well, you can't blame Amestris Rail for that."

Ed and Al looked at each other, then began walking away. "Then I'll just return to the church." Ed muttered.

A LITTLE LATER (who are you calling little?!)

"OLD MAN!" Ed yelled, as they entered the church.

"Shh" Al hissed, only to be elbowed by his older brother.

Cornello stepped out, his arm bandaged from trying to escape the room, and Ed stomped over and glared at him. "This is Lior."

The priest shrugged. "So it is."

Ed, now able to see, growled, and Al stepped up. "You told us it was Ishbal."

Cornello smiled. "It was a pun."

Ed twitched, and Al scratched his metal head. "A pun?" he asked.

Cornello laughed nervously. "No, no, not a pun, a... what's that other thing which reads the same backwards as forwards?"

Al's shoulders sagged. "A palindrome?"

Cornello brightened. "That's it! Yes!"

Ed covered his face, sighing. "That's not a palindrome, the palindrome of Lior is Roil. It doesn't work."

Cornello frowned. "Look, you already damaged a significant part of my church, driven one of it's members insane, killed my finest work, what do you want?"

Ed sighed heavily and grabbed Al's arm, turning and walking away to the door. "No, forget it, I'm sick of this, this is getting silly. We'll just go back and get the train to Central. This is way too silly."


Colonel Mustang was having a hard time not laughing. "I agree, quite agree. Silly, silly.. right, Fullmetal, get on with the rest of your report, please."

XD I hope you enjoyed!
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