tell them stories (djcati) wrote in fm_alchemist,
tell them stories

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Time for some prankster fun

When comparing FMA characters to Star Wars characters, I got attacked by a plot bunny, and had to write this slightly-crack fic. :D Pranksters rock.

Title: More Paperwork Next Time
Author: djcati
Fandom: Full Metal Alchemist (Hagaren)
Characters: Havoc, Fury, Ed, Roy
Rating: PG
Notes: My first FMA fic (I normally write Star Wars, NJO-era)... Set a year before the series (that is, Ed = 14). dj loves pranksters... ;) Havoc/Fury = Wes/Hobbie


Fury glanced up as the door to the common room opened, then pressed himself back into the couch when he saw who was entering the room. The door slammed shut, jolting the door frame and knocking a picture to the side, just enough that if anyone tried to straighten it, it would fall to the ground and the frame would smash into a thousand jagged pieces. Fury knew this, and made a mental note to be out the room when anyone tried to do so.

"I hate him!" Havoc pronounced, storming over from the door to collapse on the couch beside Fury. "Hate him," he repeated vehemently.

Fury edged sideways, trying to put as much distance between himself and the lieutenant as possible. There was a moment where nothing seemed to happen, then he shuffled right past the edge of the sofa and fell to the floor in a heap. Rubbing the back of his head and sighing resignedly, he clambered back into his seat and studied Havoc warily. "Hate who?" he ventured, not sure it was a wise question.

"The Colonel," Havoc spat, and scowled.

Fury glanced round, but none of the other occupants of the room made any move to interrupt. Farman leaned against the worktop, cradling his cup of coffee, a bemused expression on his face. The older Elric brother was reclining on the other couch across the room, paying attention to nothing but the book he was reading.

Nope. This was obviously a conversation Fury would have to take part in with no assistance. "More than usual?" he asked weakly. "Why?"

Havoc adjusted his position to get comfortable and turned to face Fury, the scowl still very much on his face. It was accompanied, however, by a strange spark in his eyes - something that, to Fury, seemed like some kind of twisted pleasure, amusement. Something that indicated a plan.

He didn't like Havoc's plans.

"It was just half an hour ago," Havoc started, quickly getting into his role of storyteller. "I was in the main lobby when this woman came in - fine-looking woman, little shorter than me, beautiful dirty blonde hair, sparkling turquoise eyes, endearing perfume with a hint of roses-"

"We get it," Ed interrupted roughly, breaking off from his reading to glare at Havoc. "Continue."

Havoc scrunched his face up in disapproval and returned the boy's glare, but Ed ignored him as he went back to his book. "Right," he continued, obviously annoyed that he couldn't pick a real fight with the boy. "Beautiful. And she asks the idiot behind the desk about applying to be a State Alchemist, so I ask her what a beautiful woman like her'd want to be an alchemist for. And she giggles - you know that giggle? The one that means she likes you and thinks you're funny and wants to go out with you?"

Fury stared at him blankly.

"No, guess you don't, kid." Havoc grinned briefly, then remembered why he was telling the story in the first place, and scowled again. "And she says it's not her, it's her little brother, and we get into a long conversation and I know she likes me, so I'm about to ask her out, when out of nowhere, the Colonel shows up, claps a hand on my shoulder and asks her, 'Is he bothering you, ma'am?'"

Fury nodded sympathetically, but before he could offer a consoling word - obviously what was expected of him - Havoc continued, in a louder and more furious tone.

"And she giggles again - that same giggle, at him! - and shakes her head, but then when he offers to discuss the matter in his office - how transparent is that?! - she says yes!" Havoc's eyes were blazing now, the spark turned to a flame. "She goes with him-" He spat the word out, and Fury grimaced and wiped a hand over his nose. "-and doesn't even look back at me, just giggles and flirts with the Colonel like- like- like a little school girl."

Fury waited a second, staring at Havoc blankly. "Is that it?" he asked eventually, his voice faint and nervous.

"Is that it?!" Havoc was shouting now, his eyes furious and burning into Fury's. "What do mean, 'is that it'? He stole her from me!"

Fury held his hands up to try and ward the man's anger off. "Right, right, I know. Of course."

"She wasn't yours," Ed interrupted, closing his book over and sitting up. "You're far too obsessed with women, you know."

"No!" Havoc paused, then scowled. "So what if I am?"

"It doesn't do you any good," the boy pointed out, smirking. "When was the last time you actually had a date?"

"Well- it- I- shut up!" Havoc scowled again and glared at him. "What matters here is that the Colonel was in the wrong - again. And I'm sick of it. And this time I'm going to do something about it!"

Fury half-grinned nervously and glanced up at Farman, who was laughing silently and shaking his head.
Ed, however, was regarding Havoc with interest. "Just what's that?"

Havoc grinned. This was a dangerous grin, an evil smirk that Fury had seen before - often right before the lieutenant came up with an idiotic plan that was doomed to failure. As they all were, of course. "I'm going to play a prank on him that he'll never forget."

The boy's interest turned to doubt. "The Colonel won't fall for a prank. Besides, I can think of better ways to get payback," he added darkly.

Farman cleared his throat. "Any that won't result in you losing your certificate?"

Ed turned away and lifted his book again. "No," he admitted, a rueful smile twitching at the corner of his mouth.

"This'll be a great prank," Havoc insisted, leaning over to take Ed's book from him. "It'll teach him a lesson."

Ed reached out and snatched the book from Havoc, glaring at him quickly. "Well, what is it, then?"

With a grin, and that spark in his eyes, Havoc explained his idea to the others. When he was done, Fury swallowed nervously.

"It could work," Ed said thoughtfully. "All right - I'm in."

Farman shook his head. "I think this is something I'm staying well clear of. You kids have fun," he added dryly. He slurped up the last of his coffee, set the mug down on the side and left, ignoring Havoc's protests.

Fury shrank back as Havoc turned his determined gaze on him. "I- I don't-"

"You're in, aren't you?" Havoc asked casually. His gaze burnt into Fury's.

Fury sighed inwardly. Of course he was in. "Yes, Havoc-san," he replied resignedly. "I'm in."

Another dangerous grin spread across Havoc's face. "Then let's get started."


Roy Mustang was in a good mood. He would never have admitted this to himself, of course, but he was starting to get suspicious that it was indeed the case. His date the night before had gone pretty well; stretching into this morning, he reminded himself with a half-smirk. The mug of coffee he was holding tasted good, for once, and the weather was just the right type - warm, but not too hot, and with a light breeze for mild refreshment.

Yes, today was a good day. He hadn't even seen Lieutenant Havoc.

Yet, some warned him in the corner of his mind, a soft voice that prickled at his senses. He shook it off. He was in a good mood - no need to ruin it with pessimism, was there?

The voice started whispering again, however, as Roy turned into the corridor where his office was located. Something seemed... different. Just a little different. Subtle vibrations in the air, a feeling that someone had been here just moments earlier. Quite possible, of course - his wasn't the only office in this corridor. But it seemed... suspicious. He stopped a metre or so from his office door, frowning.

"Colonel! What a surprise!"

Roy spun round to see Edward Elric standing behind him, an enthusiastic grin on his face. It's just Fullmetal, he thought to himself, relieved. "Not really a surprise, considering this is my office."

"Of course," Ed said, waving a hand dismissively. "Come on then, let me get that door for you."

Roy raised an eyebrow as the boy moved towards his office, resting an automail hand on the door handle. "You seem... happy today, Ed-kun."

"And why not?" Ed replied cheerfully. "The sun is shining, the birds are singing..." He opened the door, bringing his hands together in a bow as Roy stepped into the doorway. "But then," he added as an afterthought, "I did hear some rumours of a rain shower at some point today."


Ed grinned and reached past Roy to the doorjamb, and Roy's insides chilled. He glanced up, just in time to see a wooden platform - an alchemy-made extension from the doorframe - disappear in a flash of light, and then a bucket tumbled down, spilling freezing cold water all over him. It ran down his back, drenching his collar, plastering his dark hair to his head.

He blinked water out of his eyelashes and turned just in time to catch a glimpse of Ed escaping round the corner, laughter echoing behind him. "Elric!" he yelled, throwing his ruined coffee to the floor of the corridor. "Fullmetal, get back here and explain yourself right now-"


Roy shivered as he turned to face Lieutenant Havoc, but not from the chill of the water. Havoc's eyes were wide, his face a picture of concern. And he was, inexplicably, carrying a bucket.

"Are you OK, sir? You seem to have had a minor accident."

Roy gritted his teeth and wiped a hand over his face, trying to clear the water out of his eyes. "I'm fine, Lieutenant. Please, just-"

"Nonsense." Havoc grinned, in the same cheerful manner as Ed had done earlier, and held up his bucket. "You're drenched. Luckily, I just happen to be carrying a bucket of a substance that will deal with the water and your stained uniform quickly and effectively."

Don't ask, don't ask, don't- "What substance, Lieutenant?" Roy asked with a sigh. He clicked his fingers, but the water had drenched his gloves in particular. Of course.

Havoc's grin turned into a smirk, and he brought the bucket back in preparation. "Flour," he told the Colonel, and swung it forward, emptying its contents over Roy in an instant. Then he dropped the bucket and ran, and Roy heard his footsteps disappear in the same direction as Ed's.

Spluttering, he wiped at his face, but only succeeded in getting more of the sticky mixture into his eyes. "Lieutenant Havoc!" he shouted furiously, running a hand through his drenched and gooey hair. "What is the meaning of this?!"

There was a clatter from somewhere, and Roy spun round to face the source of the noise, but he still couldn't see anything past the flour-and-water mix. A second later, someone else ran past him, kicking the abandoned buckets into the wall by accident as they escaped. Disoriented as he was, Roy wasn't sure what direction they had come from, but it sounded like they were running after Ed and Havoc.

Damn it, he thought as he finally managed to get the goo out of his eyes. He looked down at his uniform and grimaced, brushing at it futilely with his sticky hands. This is going to cause me so much paperwork.


Ed slammed the common room door behind him and leaned back against it, finally allowing himself to let out the hysterical laughter he'd been holding in. Oh, how stupid, how easily the Colonel had become a victim like that! It was so brilliant, so fun...

The door handle stabbed into his back as the door swung open, knocking him off his feet. He sprawled across the floor, his laughter fading, and scrambled round to see Havoc and Fury crowding in through the doorway. Fury's expression was one of terrified amusement, but Havoc was as hysterical as Ed had been, and as he slammed the door behind him, he didn't even notice the framed picture on the wall crash to the floor.

"Oh, that was fun," Havoc sighed happily, throwing himself down on the couch. "Did you finish your part, Fury?"

Fury hesitated, nodding with a very forced grin on his face. "Yes, Havoc-san. I set up the fake ink and poked a hole in all the pens on his desk."

"What about the forms in his desk draw?" Havoc asked him.

"Covered in the clearest tape I could find," Fury assured him, glancing round nervously.

"His uniform will be ruined," Ed exclaimed happily. "That was great!"

"I told you," Havoc replied smugly. "Maybe he'll think twice about stealing dates from me in future."

"And teasing me," Ed added.

Both of them turned to face Fury expectantly, and he took an unconscious step back. "And, um, and..." He wracked his brains for something to add. "And being so- so- so nasty?" He winced. Surely even he could come up with something better than that?

But Havoc grinned, and Ed nodded in agreement. Fury breathed a sigh of relief and allowed himself a genuine smile as Havoc pulled him down on the couch between him and Ed. Maybe being a prankster wasn't so bad; it was certainly rather fun.

"Next time," Havoc began, and Fury groaned inwardly as he continued his future plans. Of course there would be a next time. But like he'd just assured himself - it wasn't so bad. Right?


Lieutenant Hawkeye approached her Colonel's office slowly, and raised a hand to knock on the door. But before she could bring it down and alert him to her presence, a loud explosion of clattering and swearing came from inside the room. She didn't hesitate, instantly drawing her pistol and kicking the door open, aiming the gun at the dirty grey-white and blue figure sitting at the Colonel's desk.

A half-second of silence passed, and then the figure swore and groaned loudly, hitting its head on the desk. "Lieutenant," it moaned in a voice very much like the Colonel's. "Please put that away. I think I've had enough for one day."

Hawkeye hesitated and lowered the gun slightly, squinting at the figure behind the desk. "Colonel Mustang? Is that you?"

"Just... don't ask," he moaned in reply, not raising his head from the desk.

She tilted her head in confusion as she put the gun away. "Is it anything I can help with?"

"If you feel like killing Lieutenant Havoc for me, sure."

A malicious grin spread across her face, and she spun round the face the door, drawing her pistol again. "My pleasure," she answered nonchalantly.

"Ugh... don't bother," Roy called, raising his head slightly to look at her. "It'd be too much paperwork."
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