Pairing: Liza/Roy, Ed/Liza (just a mini-suggestion, don’t eat me)
List of indictments (catagories): Humor, AU, OCC, randomness, bad idea...
Rating: PG (to cover anything that might happen)
The world suddenly seemed a lot larger and a lot simpler. It wasn’t that their goals had been achieved and that things had come up roses.
No, their world really had gotten larger. And simpler.
So now Major Edward Elric and Colonel Roy Mustang were duking it out on the floor of the latter’s office. Over who had made the prettier array.
“Is mine you spaz!” Roy squeaked.
Ed bopped him on the nose. “Mine, you piece of twackie!”
Roy sat down with a bump and began to cry. “You hit me on the nose, you big bully!”
“No, really?” Ed said sarcastically, even though he was technically too young to realize what ‘sarcasm’ was.
“I hate you!”
“I hate you too!”
“I hate you too too!”
“I hate you times a hundred!”
“I hate you times a thousand!”
“I hate you times infinity!”
Liza, a bit bewildered and intrigued by the high, somewhat squeaky voices coming out of her commanding officer’s office, decided to poke her nose in and see what the ruckus was.
It was probably the worst mistake of her life, and it would probably leave her scarred forever.
The two five-year-old boys paused in their ineffective fighting at Hawkeye’s first and last scream. The venerable young woman, who had seen innumerable horrors and survived innumerable firefights, was in the doorway, her eyes wide, hands pressed to her open mouth.
Little Roy squealed and ran over, clinging to one of her legs. “My Liza! Not your Liza!”
Ed growled at the little black bat. He wanted a Liza too!
He chased Roy out into the hallway, leaving a stunned and shellshocked First Lieutenant Liza Hawkeye still in Roy’s office.
They stampeded down the main office hallway, scaring the bujeezus out of several interns and petty officers. Ed was throwing several unidentifiable objects at his cackling adversary.
They came to a screaming (literally) halt as Major Alexander Louis Armstrong swept them up in his enormous arms. Al’s metallic head peered over the Major’s shoulder.
“What on earth happened to you, brother?!” Al cried in alarm.
“Squee! A funny man in metal!” Roy shrieked happily.
Ed bopped him again, responding to a dim feeling of responsibility.
Roy burst out crying.
“Now, I’m sure you two sprats will obey your Uncle Armstrong, eh?” the mad major said in a soft rumble.
The two boys looked at him, bambi eyes rather prominent.
Now, apparently, news of the ruckus had reached the ears of Fuhrer Bradly, and he had come up to the admin. level to check it out. What he saw made him burst out laughing.
“Well, well,” he said, still chuckling. “The two biggest terrors in the army are little bitty sprats.”
“And you find this amusing?” Liza croaked. She had stumbled after the two tiny horrors.
“I’m sorry Lieutenant. This isn’t something that happens every day, you know.”
“Thank god.” She eyed the two sprats rather balefully.
“Miss Liza, whatever horrible thing you’re planning to do, don’t do it,” Al pleaded. “That is my brother...”
“It’s a pair of mutant gerbils!” she wailed.
Ed got offended at that, hurling not-so-dire curses, but Roy just reached out for her. “Don’t be mad, Liza!” he whined.
Her resolve almost broken by a pair of huge black eyes glistening with tears, she sighed. “I’m not mad, Colonel.”
“But I am annoyed.” She held up a finger. “You should not go running around like... what is it?”
Bradly was grinning broadly. “I can’t wait till you have sprats of your own, Lieutenant,” he said. “They’ll be the best behaved kids in the country.” Clearing his throat at her formidable scowl, he announced, “Lieutenant Hawkeye, I order you to take care of Colonel Mustang while he is... incapacitated. Alphonse, d’you mind terribly keeping your brother from the Colonel’s throat?”
Both five-year-olds were shrieking “My Liza!” at each other, and attemping to bite each other. Al hastily grabbed his brother, stowing the irate sprat inside his armor. Roy squealed happily, launching himself at Liza.
Something silly was long due to happen, and it occurred at the worst possible moment. Ed didn’t fare to badly, as he was small anyway and his brother’s armor was so large.
But Roy was in midair, on a beeline for his already mentally abused Lieutenant. As soon as his arms had connected with her shoulders, pouf he was back as an adult. Liza and Roy tumbled to the ground.
Everyone’s eyes almost fell out of their heads and a peeved shriek echoed out of Al’s armor – Ed had been watching.
Liza herself was bright red and embarrassed as hell. Her commanding officer was on top of her in a very intimate position, and to top it all off, he looked like he was enjoying it.
“I hate all of you!” she snarled as the spectators began to laugh.
Please don't eat me.