Fin (faded_neko) wrote in fm_alchemist,

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Fanfic ~ Despair

I'm sorry about the desturbance before with the none cut and everything. >< My brain is in a major storm in the moment so please excuse me.

Title: Despair
Author: Faded Neko
Pairing: Ed x Roy
Rating: PG-13
Warnings: Angst, Death and spoilers for episode 25, 34 and 40+
Summary: I never thought I'd say goodbye... I never thought that you would cry...

Another Angst fic! xD Cause angst rulez!! One shot, ~~~~~ means transition

This is a death fic! Don’t blame me if you get upset u.u Episode 40+ spoilers

I do not own FMA


Those brothers were always the strongest. Especially Edward. He almost never turned down a fight or backed away from any challenge. He's always been the strongest person I've known, ever since the first day I met him...

The military had received a letter from the boy, implying that if they knew where his father was to bring him back to his home in Rezinbul. As a national certified alchemist and a lower rank, I was ordered to find him and give him news that he was no where to be found and that we were still searching. But when I saw him, lying on that bed with one arm. I was... Intrigued. Amazed. How could a child survive what many adults could not... He was... Very strong...

Year's later we met yet again. He acted cold and harsh only to hide his still childish spirit. I never told him how much I admired him...

"Colonel." Al said with a bow as he entered my office, "Ummm... I was wondering if I could talk to you for a bit about my brother."

"Hmm..?" I mumbled as I looked up from my work, "About Edward?"

The armored suit nodded, "I've never told anyone this before but, on our ride to Central Brother kept saying, 'I wonder what type of person that Lieutenant Colonel is? I wonder what he's like...' and ect."

I looked at the at the hidden 14 year old amused, "So... This concerns me at the moment how?"

"Ah... Well... I know it doesn't have much to do with anything at the moment but Brother really does like you even if it doesn't seem like it so... Could you maybe tone down the name calling a bit?" Alphonse said thoughtfully.

"I'll think about it..."

Returning to my paperwork, Alphonse bowed one last time and left. That boy was so respectful and kind.


"Colonel..." Riza whispers as my eyes closed tightly on the bumpy train, "Are you okay?"

"I'm fine..." I whisper quietly trying to back soft tears, "I'm... okay."


The day that boy received his silver watch he took on more responsibility than I realized. The first hard ship was later that day. I should have never put him through so much... Because after that day he was broken inside.

I tried to give him reasons not to weep. Give him reasons not to cry. To give him reasons not even to try. But still he wouldn't listen. It tore him apart from the inside, all because I didn't listen to that one thing he had to say. And if he could have said it, I wonder what it would have been...

Would it have been something full of emotion?
Or maybe full of intelligence.

I will never know now... That's one thing I can count on.

And that boy... He finished a case I had started months before. He was amazing, but under it all he was still broken. And broken is what he would remain.

"Colonel..." The young alchemist said with tears rolling down his eyes, "Please..."

...End this life of mine...


"Ed!" I shouted through the troubled remains, "Ed where are you!?"

And I saw him standing in front of a dead body and Al standing some distance away. About to come running towards them he shouted a warning and I stayed back.

"Just... Watch." I could see him trembling and he clapped his hands and placed them upon the ground. Creating a transmutation circle below and around Al. He clapped once more and Al's body began to desinagrate, "I'm sorry Al... I'm so sorry..."

Tears rolled rapidly down his face, even though he was trying to hold it in.

"Brother... It's okay... I'll be fine." Al said, as understanding and excepting as he always was.

As soon as the transmutation or decomposer was complete. That young alchemist couldn't help but collapse and cry out everything. His fears, his loneliness... Any emotion that he felt at that moment he cried out because... He was still a child.

I ran to his side and placed an arm around his shoulder, "I-I don't understand what you do or why you did it but... It's okay... Everything is okay..."

And he still cried, and shook, and felt so much pain inside and out, "Al... Al, he... It's just not fair! We tried! We tried..! And it got us nowhere..."

"Life isn't fair... That's correct..." I motioned back, holding him close while he cried, "It's never really fair..."

"It wasn't equivalent!!" He said while tightening his grip on the back of my uniform.

Thoughts on human transmutation entered my head once again as I let him cry and cry....

"...You can... stay at my house if you want..." I spoke softly as he began to calm down.

His eyes red with tears he looked up slowly, "Colonel... I-I..."

"It's okay..." I ran my hand over his back once more, "Its okay..."

And so the months passed on. The growing teenager lost most of the 'spunk' he used to have. He gave into other people's demands more. Put up with more name calling by other people that didn't know his tragic past. And he stayed with me. Lived in my house, sleep in the bed I provided him with, ate the food I gave him. Until he was 18, he had hated alcohol. Every once in awhile I'd come back to the house, obviously drunk and he would smile and laugh, be carefree for a moment then drag me to my bed.

"Ed?" I'd ask him as we'd be studying alchemy in one of the messier rooms.

He would continue reading till I said him name a total of 5 times.

"Ed?" I'd ask still calm, "Fullmetal?"

"..." And when he'd look up from his book he'd answer in a depressed tone, "Yes?"

"You want to go for a drink later tonight?" I asked with a slight gesture, "It'll be your birthday present. I'll pay."

The now young adult thought about his situation and gave a quick shrug, "Why not... It might be fun."

I smiled. It finally seemed like he was recovering.


"So I said to him, 'You suck' and then he was all like, 'No, you suck'" Ed explained as he chugged down another beer, "And then he like... Starting dissin' my mother and my brother. And I was all like STFU man..."

"...And then you two got into a brawl right?" I assumed.

"Wait, wait! I'm not finished! And then he was all like, 'you're going down man!' and kicked me in the gut." He sucked the last few drops out of his bottle, "And then I fell to my side and got carried away..."

"..." I stared at the drunken boy in confusion, "Alrighty now... I think you've had enough for tonight."

"But, but!" Ed murmured as the bottle was taken away from him.

"Come on Ed. Time to go home." I said as I stood up, "Eh? Ed?"

I peered over to the younger alchemist, who appeared to be knocked unconscious from the amount of liquor.

With a smile and a sigh and picked him up and carried him all the way back to my house, "Arg... You're getting heavy."


And he never told me how he really felt about it all. Until he was strong enough. Until he was completely weak about it all.

"Ed?" I called in all the empty rooms in my apartment, "Edward?"

The last place I looked was in the bathroom, I knocked on the door to respect his privacy if he was there, "Fullmetal? Are you in there?"

I opened the door slowly to make sure he wasn't doing something that he might yell at me for, "Sorry for intruded Edward but-"

He was standing in front of the mirror with his auto-mail transmutated who turned his head with the opened door. Cuts and scars ran along his arm with a look of sorrow and despair in his eyes.

"Can I help you, Colonel?" Ed said casually.

I gaped and grabbed him by the shoulders, "How long have you been doing this!? Ed! If you were this upset about you're brother’s death you should have told me! I will always be there for you!! I will always be there to help you!"

He stared up at me with a broken soul, "I just... Never thought anyone would care... Not about me anyway..."

"Ed! Everyone you have met and cared about has wanted to do or has done the same thing for you!" I shouted, "We don't hate you! We all love you! If you die than-...I-I..."

"Colonel..." Edward whispered and let his head fall to the floor, "I'm sorry... I'm so sorry..."

I couldn't stop him. I never felt so weak. But after that I saw him that day every time he felt scared or sad he'd come to me for comfort. Whether I was asleep or awake he'd come to me for comfort. Lie against me, hug me, sleep near me but as more months passed I could see him getting worse.

"Mustang..." He said crawling onto my lap while I read a book, "Do you have anymore books on human transmutation?"

I brought the book closer to my chest as he slipped under and leaned against me while we sat on a off white bed.

"No..." I murmured placing my chin over his head so I could continue reading.

"How about on the Philosopher’s Stone?"

"You've read them all multiple times."

"...I still don't have everything I wanted..." He whispered softly, "Why did things turn out the way they did? Why did Al have to die..?"

"I don't know... I don't know why anyone had to die... It was all full of sins... Greed, envy, wrath, lust..." I murmured, "I can't explain why Hughes died either..."

"I know how..." The young adult muttered, "I dragged him into it all... I'm the one who got him killed..."

I put the book down and wrapped my hands around his chest, "We've been over this a million time, Ed... It wasn't you're fault. It will never be your fault."

He curled up into my lap, "Are you sure?"

I closed my eyes, "I'm sure..."


I never thought he would leave. I never expected him to go so quickly after him being to strong. But it was dark, and he had been drinking...

"Ed..?" I whispered as I stepped into the dark study room, "Did you fall asleep studying again?"

"No..." He mumbled sitting at a desk fiddling with something.

Something was different about the tone in his voice, "Is something wrong?"

A bottle of liquor dropped to the floor, "Roy... I can't live like this anymore."

"Live like what? You've been doing quite well since your brother's death..."

"That's not what I mean..." He said and clicking sound came from the item he was holding, "I can't live where everyone I've ever loved so dearly has died. My mother, my brother, Nina, Hughes... Even Martel and Greed! I can't live where everyone I care about dies!!"

That fear I felt when I was on the train to Central, when Hughes had died, "Ed... What do you have in your hand..?"

"Isn't it familiar? You've used it once or twice. One of those times you used it to shoot Winry's parents" He spun the ammunition wheel.

It was the same...

"Ed! Don't! It's the wrong thing to do! I remember once Al told me... He told me you once said, 'You just have to live... Live, and be happy...'"

"Shut up! You've felt the way I have many times!!" He shouted, standing up and casting one hand to the side, "Don't tell me you haven't once wanted to kill yourself!!"

I couldn't give up but I knew nothing else I would say would change his mind.

"Ed... Before you leave... I want you to know... I've always wanted to be there for you... But I know that's just not possible..." I said, shivering.

"I love you..." Ed said with the shot of that gun and slumped onto the ground.

I couldn't hold back everything anymore and I cried. I help up that limp body in my arms and held it close. Its warmth was quickly fading and I couldn't bring it back.

"Ed..! I'm so sorry..! I'm sorry..." I spoke softly with rapid tears.

And that was the third time I thought of committing a life taking taboo. I just wanted to see them again; I was overtaken by such human emotion. And I will try to be strong and complete that dream of mine to try and change the world. And Ed, I will always love him…


Excuse me if there are many or some grammar errors for I am only 13 and yeah... >.> I still have a long way to go before becoming as good as Sockren and some other writers u.u

Some of this fic was inspired by a war poem I wrote awhile ago:

I never thought I'd say goodbye
I never thought that you would cry
And as we march
One by One
My last words
Shot from that gun...

Sorry once again!

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